A Blah Day

(Written 1.1.15)

This is not the start to anything new…certainly not the start to anything good.

I feel very…blah…today. I’m in one of those moods where I don’t want to be around people. Nothing new. And my face is set in

blah… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

that resting frown. It’s a face I have a lot. A face I have when it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m in a bad mood. Just calm and, sometimes, okay not to be bothered.

And while sometimes it is a face that really means I’m peaceful and okay, just calm and slightly sedate, today that isn’t what it means.

Because deeper, I just want to be left alone. Part of me just wants to crawl under the covers in a cool bedroom, and part of me just wants to cry.

I’ve been wanting to cry a lot, lately.

And being in this unproductive mood does not lend itself well to what I had planned to do today.

I didn’t come to work until 3, and I’m not making big plans or spectacular New Year’s Resolutions. All I want to do is get my stuff in order. Get my life in order. I want to start living the life that I want to live and I want to start living the life I know, at least really think, I’m capable to live.

To do that, things will have to be done differently. To do that, it will be difficult. Considering the mental state I’m currently in, it will be extremely difficult but I want to fight with everything that I have in me to make it happen. I want to become the person that I want to be and the person I really think I can become. I want to do great things like everyone used to tell me I was capable of and that I would do.

My plan for today was to clean and organize my office. It’s not dirty, but very unorganized. I have papers, some in neat piles, some not so much, all over the place. My filing system has gone to shit. It doesn’t look like the office of a person who is leading a company and knows what he’s doing. It looks like the home of someone who has given up on life and doesn’t have a handle on the future. As it were, that would be a pretty apropos description of me.

Now it’s January 2^nd

So now it’s the next day.

I might have been writing the beginning of this post while I was still at work and at some point I got distracted. I think I started working again but cleaning and organizing wasn’t part of it.

Then I went home. And today I was too busy to do it. And “after work” when I could have stayed, I didn’t.

Unnecessary

(Written 12.31.14)
So I had to go to Walmart for a couple things tonight and I’m not good at just going in for what I need – what is supposed to be on my list – and leaving.  I’m especially not good and making it a quick trip if I just got off work.  Why?  I don’t know.

New K-Cup Canister

Backing up to a couple weeks ago, my coffee pot “broke” when I accidentally threw away the brew basket.  (Long story we’re not getting into right now.)  So, one night, again, after work, I went to Walmart to buy a new coffee pot because I was tired of not having coffee in the morning.

So while I was walking around looking for a coffee pot, I was trying to find the cheapest one I could that was a 4-cup coffee maker with a timer.  Maybe if I had coffee waiting for me when I rolled my fat ass out of bed I would be more included to get out of bed one time.

Side note: I’ve tried this before and it totally doesn’t even work for me.  In fact, I have even gotten up, had a couple of cups of coffee along with a few smokes, and then went back to bed for “30 minutes” which turned into about 3 hours.  ON a fucking WORK DAY, no less.  But anyway….

And so I found the 2 different ones that I was thinking about getting and I couldn’t make up my mind.  I think I did finally make up my mind and I put one of them in the buggy.  I was about the leave the isle and on my way out of that isle I looked to my left as I was pushing my buggy and ….

…. I saw the Keurigs.

So here’s the thing.  I have been thinking about these.  A good friend of mine just got one of these and another friend of mine has had one for a while.  Both really like them.  At first, when they first came out, I was totally opposed to them because a) I’m a little bit of a coffee snob, and b) I never have “one cup.”  In fact, the mugs I use are pretty big.  So the little 4-cup coffee makers I always buy – more than that and I’ll burn it so I’d just rather make several pots – are perfect for me.  And, it’s not like I ever have anyone over in my house.

But lately I have been thinking about them more and more because I realized they have multiple settings.  And I have had a few cups of coffee from them and some of them aren’t bad.  Plus you can buy those little things – which I bought one of and still haven’t used – that allows you to use your own grownds.  So, with that little accessory I can be a coffee snob and still make one cup at a time.

So…I bought one.

When I got it home I opened it and made a cup of coffee before bed and LOVED IT!

I’m totally thinking about making a cup now because even though it’s 1 in the morning (December 31st to me but officially January 1, 2015) I wouldn’t mind having a cup of coffee.  And that’s just the thing!  Not only does it make a cup of coffee super quick, but you can really make one pretty good cup of coffee at a time.  PLUS, there’s no fucking mess!  That’s the other great part about it!  All you do is open the lid, pull the used k-cup out, and toss it!  NO MESS!

SO!  Six-hundred plus words later, we’re getting close to the point of this post so if you’ve made it this far just hang in a little longer because we’re getting close to the end….

Since I bought the Keurig, the one for home that night and the very next day I bought another one to have in my office at work, I have been thinking that I would like something nice to put my k-cups in.

I was thinking about that small rectangle decorative cardboard box you guy at some of the crafting stores.  You can also pick them up at TJ Maxx and the like.  I have one that would work.  Now that I think about it I don’t think I still have that one, but I still have several things I could use.  And while I was at Walmart I initially picked up a little $3 plastic screw-top container but when I say this, the picture above, I put it back and picked up not one, but 2 of these.  But the point is, and the bottom line, I DON’T FUCKING NEED THIS!

At home, there is nothing nice and pretty about my counter.  I’m living with my dad and he is very practical and there is NO space for anything.  He wouldn’t know something nice, or what it was for, if it hit him in the head.  He doesn’t like nice, he doesn’t do nice, he has no time for it.  How I turned out how I am is beyond me!  Actually, now that I say that…that happens to be something that I would like to spend quite some time writing about because I have some very strong opinions on that subject.

Anyway, nobody comes over so there is really no reason to have this.  But, I was thinking all of this when I was looking at it and putting them both in my buggy but I thought, “well, I can get and use this now and I will have something nice for my k-cups to be in when I move to my new apartment because all of this stuff is going with me.  The Keurig isn’t staying here because dad doesn’t like it or really use it.  So that will just be one less thing that I will have to buy when I find a home.

And as for my office…well…there’s a long story why I’m not putting my k-cups in cabinets there.  So I do kind of need something nice and tidy to put them in.  I could have only bought one but, oh well.  This is what I did.  And this is one of those things that I need to stop doing.  It is one of those things that makes me not have any money!

Now, on another side note, I think they’re kind of cute.  I mean, to be inexpensive.  I really like the glass version which has a brushed silver lid which is only a couple dollars more and I really kind of want to go buy several of them.  I mean, I’m not going to because I totally don’t have my own place right now so there’s no reason to buy more crap for a place I don’t have yet.  But, just sayin’.

Sun-Cured Prozac

I don’t think the Prozac I found is working. I think it might be expired. I know it’s not “expired,” but I’m not so sure it’s chemically “good” now.

Sometimes it gets scary.

When I drink a lot, well, back when I was drinking regularly, I could tell when I was approaching “that place.” You know the feeling when you start to have a conversation with yourself that goes something like this….

Wow, I feel really good right now. Like, really fucking good. I am shitface and just don’t care. But if I stop right now I’ll be okay. If I stop right now and focus I will be able to hold it down and not puke my guts out. But if I keep going, if I have just one more drink – or maybe one more sip of the drink I currently have – I will lose it and end up upchucking somewhere.

I’ve had that conversation a few times with myself. I’m kind of a light-weight drunk because I don’t drink that often. I don’t drink unless I can drink enough to “feel good.” I don’t see the point in drinking otherwise. I really just drink to get drink – or a little tipsy. But the point is I know when I’m getting to that place where I need to stop otherwise it will stop being fun. Likewise, I can tell right now I’m getting close to that mental place where if I don’t start taking my Prozac again shit will get scary. Real scary!

Some people wonder why we don’t take our medicine every day. I can’t really answer that and I honestly don’t think anybody can because the relationship we have with our medication is different for everyone. I can tell you that part of the reason I don’t take mine is because I forget it. I know that doesn’t make since but I really do. Then when the prescription gets low I start missing days to make it last longer.

It’s kind of hard to describe how I feel when things are getting bad but there definitely is a feeling to it. My whole body feels different. My mind certainly feels different. My physical body feels different and then my mind starts going to all the bad places that it doesn’t need to go. My mind will lead me down a path of despair and, what I fear, eventual destruction.

I have 2 cars, one of which no longer runs so it has been sitting in the driveway.  I haven’t decided if I’m going to get it fixed or just get rid of it.  I’m sort of using it for storage right now but most of what is in it is trash that I could just git rid of.  (I need to do that soon.)  Last week I was looking for something that I thought was in there.  The car has been sitting for about 6 months now.  I found wanted I needed but I also found a Prozac bottle with a few pills left in it…maybe 15 or 18.  I decided to start taking them because I thought it was better than nothing which is what I currently had.  Either it’s taking a while for them to get into my system or the sun, over at least 6 months, have done something to them.  I know, I know…I shouldn’t leave medicine in the car and I shouldn’t take them now.  The “things I shouldn’t do” boat left a long time ago so there’s no use, don’t even say it.

It will be another 2 weeks before I can make an appointment because that will be when I will have the money, but when I do make the appointment I’m going to get it and, this time, start taking it every day. I think I’m a little more organized now so hopefully I can remember to take it each day. If I’m going to do any of the other things that I want to do – I’m working on writing that post now – I will have to start taking my medicine every single day.

 

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Can I Run Away?

Big surprise, I’ve been away for a while. Quite a while, really. Since I don’t have many readers I guess it’s not a big deal. Altgough I’m sure I would have more readers if I would post more but that’s something I’ve talked about before. 

Nonetheless, it’s always a good idea to be negative right out of the gate. But, that’s pretty much how I feel right now. It’s how I have felt for a while now. 

As I write this I’m sitting in my car with the air running in the parking lot of a Starbucks. 

Ok, change of location. Now I’m resting my iPad on the trunk of my y lifecar while I smoke a cigarit outside. Still, though, in the parking lot of a Starbucks. 

Since last posting there have been quite a few changes in my life. Pretty big changes.  All of which I plan to write about, have been planning to write about, as soon as I figure out how much I want to say. And as soon as I get out if this depression I have been in. At the moment the depression is pretty big and it is manifesting itself in anger. That is usually what happens for a while before the despair sets in. Though when the despair sets in I am still angry with people, and myself. Mainly with other people. 

Right now I really feel like I just want to run away. I have been feeling like that fir a while lately. I get the urge a lot, it seems.  

Yesterday I had a small fight with someone at work which really, really pissed me off. Then today there was a bigger fight with someone that just pisses me off. I’m not so much pissed at the lady today, I’m pissed about the fight and I think it’s a petty issue which really pisses me off the most. And I’m not apologizing for anything so…there you go. If space is what she wants then space is what she will get. 

I left work for an hour so I could wait before going back until she isn’t there anymore. I thought it was the best thing to do because had I stayed there and she tried to say anything to me I know I would end up saying something she wouldn’t like and something I would refuse to apologize for.  

The Car Makes me Feel – Part One

I’m in one of those moods.  I want to be alone, not seen.  I’m shy.  I’m stressed.  I think when I get stressed, and the Prozac wears off, I get this one.

But I’ve wanted to do a whole post about cars, cars I would like to have.  This, the 1996-1999 Mercedes-Benz E320 Wagon. One of the things I really like about this car, in this moment, I think, is the tinted windows.  I mean I also like the body style.  It’s big, but I normally don’t like big.

But I imagine it to be safe.  And secure.  And with the dark windows I feel more secure.  Private.  Alone.

I feel secure, like nobody could get to me.

And while it is not new, I do feel like it says something about the person driving it.  It says they have class.  Money.  They like the finer things in life.  And since I do have an inferiority complex it would be nice to have something like this.  That is a subject I should write more about.  And unpack with a therapist.

And I get that nice cozy safe feeling when I look at this picture, too.  And I’ve got to say how much I love the scene in which it sits.  It’s the cozy weekend getaway house in the country.  Or the house you escape to when you need a time-out from the crazy of life.  When you just need to get away.

I’m always wanting to get away.  To escape.

And in this color it looks so regal and classy.  But it still needs the tint to be perfect.

And I love this picture.  This is the life I want.  The life I’m dreaming for.  For me and my boyfriend, who will eventually be my husband, to go bring home our real Christmas tree.  Wearing complimentary outfits that are hip and trendy.

This is the interior of the 2002, the pictures above are the 97-99 models.  The next generation, the 2002, looks much so softer and nicer on the inside.  And let’s face it, that’s a very big deal.  I mean that is where we spend most of our time.  Not looking at it from the outside.  I like a nice interior.  This is nice.  I really like the steering wheel.  I’m strange.

There are other cars I like to.  Some of them I think I like better than the Mercedes.

For some reason these BMWs pop into mind.  They seem more sporty than the Mercedes.  And this particular body style of BMW,the 1999 528i, is one that I really like.  I even like it in sedan.

I love blue.  This one be nice to have on the days I don’t mind being seen.

And I love the idea about having the car kept in the house.  I know, I’m strange.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But then I keep coming back to this: the Volvo.  I just think I like them better, and I think they would be a better, safer car.

It was what I was brought home from the hospital in.  The first car I rode in.  A 1970-something blue wagon.  I just love a Volvo.  And it says “writer” to me.

I think I would like a mid 90s model wagon.  But this white one is a 1990ish.  Huge.  And nothing says writer more than this.  It’s an old car and you cannot judge my by the same standards as everyone else.  I’m a writer.  And artist.  And I walk to the beat of a different drum.  I don’t live in the same world as you.

No Change, Please

Written 1.27.14

This is totally not what I was going to write about right now but it’s a good topic that is really well overdue.

So like I have said before, I think…at least I meant to, there are several coffee shops in town.  While there are several, I only really like one of them.  Only one of them is home for me.

Man thinking on a train journey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I went to work at a decent hour like a good little boy this morning – I’m very proud of myself but I’ll talk about that.  Couple that with the fact that I ate lunch at my desk and that I’ve been very productive today, so far, I think I’m doing pretty damn good!

So, to reward myself – even though there’s a good chance I would do it regardless, but since I’ve done good today I’m calling it a reward – I decided to go to my coffee shop for a break and get some writing done.  This morning instead of writing I just went to work and I didn’t write my “Life Update” for this weekend so I wanted to do it today.

But there was one slight problem.  I could have gone back to my office and shut the door and done it there but I could have still been bothered and I really just wanted to get away.  I went to my coffee shop.  That’s when I ran into the problem.

They were CLOSED!

Not for good, just for “a while.”

Ok, so here’s the thing.  If you are one who pays attention to the health scores a restaurant gets…you would never know what I’m about to tell you.  Since I’m me, I know.  I totally know and I really shouldn’t be going there.

And here’s the other thing now that I have gotten off on this totally halfway related side trip about health scores and what I know.  

I love Chinese food but there are a lot of them that I’m kind of afraid of going to.  I’m not going to go into the details of why, but just google it and make sure your dog or cat is out of the room when you do.  They will have nightmares for years!

And it’s not just Chinese food.  There are a lot of restaurants that I’m afraid to go to.  My thinking is that the dining area or outside looks bad the the kitchen, the places customer’s can’t see, must only be worse.  And while the rational part of my brain realizes that isn’t necessarily true, it’s something I just can’t help thinking about.  Anyway.

So back to my point, if there ever was one to begin with.

I pulled up to the coffee shop and thought, “oh nice, they don’t look busy.”  There were only a couple cars in the parking lot other than those of the people I know who work there.

Well I get out of my car and walk up to the door and the sign reads “closed for technical issues.”

Ok, I knew they were not having a problem with their computer system.  No, whatever “technical” issues they were having had to be much, much worse.

In the past their “technical” issues was the plumbing pipes backed up inside the building!

Ok, gross much?  Yeah!  I know!

But does that stop me from getting coffee there?  No.  Strange when you think about it, really.

So I didn’t want to go back to the office so I went to one of the other coffee shops that I only go through the drive-thru at.  But, like I said, I didn’t want to go back to the office and write from there so I decided to go inside.

That is where I really get to the point of this post: I don’t fucking like change!

And keep in mind, I’m the guy who wants to move to another city and start over.  I do want change, major change, but it just feels so wrong here.  Hell, it feels wrong period but, I don’t know.

And one of the things I don’t like is this coffee shop is the one most frequented by the college kids and I just don’t like being around them.  I don’t like being around people who are younger than me.  I don’t know why, but I really don’t like it.  I don’t like being around most anybody, but especially them.  I feel like they are more judging than most.

But after I sit here for a little while it really isn’t that bad.  Well, I guess it could just be the table I got.  It’s a good one.  I like it.  I would feel different were I had a worse table.  Even though this one is near the registers I still feel better about it.  Plus it’s not right by the windows which for some reason makes me think I’m kind of hidden away a little.  I feel more secure and less seen.  Less out in the open.  I know that’s not true, but it doesn’t matter.  When you’re living with a mental illness rationality doesn’t matter.  All that matters is what is going on inside your brain and how you feel.

On another note, I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m tired and I would really like to go to bed right now.  Take a nap.  I might do that when I get off work but I don’t know yet.  Really it just depends on how I feel.  I’m going hope promptly at the time I’m supposed to today.  Not a minute over…even if I do end up staying “on break” a little longer than my hour lunch would allow.”

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Life Update – Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Maybe I should start calling these quick “what I’ve been up to” posts “Life Updates.”  That sounds better than what I was using.  Not that I remember what I was using.  It’s early.  In fact, it’s fucking early!

Early bird coffee queue #picnic09 (Photo credit: @10)

It’s 7:46 in the morning.  Do you know how early that is for me?!?

The sun is rising, dew is still drenching the cars, and I’m not only out of bed but I’m dressed and at the coffee shop!  Like I’m all put together and presentable.  I’m ready for the day!

And this is actually the second day in a row that I have gotten up early.  Yesterday was because I needed to have a one-on-one with a dumbass at work.  As per the usual she denied any wrongdoing.  She did catch me a little off guard.  I could be wrong, but I highly doubt it.  That’s okay though, if she wants to play hardball we can do that.  She is either about to turn into a really good employee or it’s about to get ugly.  Either way, I’m tired of playing with her.

But now on to a better subject: me!

I worked my butt off yesterday.  I went in at 6 in the morning and didn’t leave until 6 at night.  But when I left I came to the coffee shop and went over reports for work!  So I worked all day.  I left to go home about 7:30ish and just got ready for bed.  I’m not sure why it took me so long, unless I left closer to 8, but I was crawling into bed at 8:30.  I took a 3mg Melatonin and slept!

I did wake up about 10:30 to pee and in one of those night-time sleep stupid stoopers I ate like 7 or 8 Kit Kat singles that I bought – and never should have – in the grocery store the other day because I was hungry when I went shopping.  I’ve been getting those lately, the sleep eating stoopers.  Well, here’s the thing.

I also know I haven’t been eating regularly and we already know I don’t have any self control, especially when I’m tired.  And when you wake up in the middle of a heavy sleep to go pee you are clearly tired.  At least I am.  If I feel stupid – like I’m in a sleep-stooper – I pretty much know I’ll be able to go back to sleep.  But sometimes when I wake up I’m hungry and if I have something quick and easy to eat, I usually will.

The other day it was chips and dip but last week it was making a turkey and ham sandwich with the lunch meat I had bought.  I know, good idea, right!  Anyway.

So I went back to bed and I had set my clock for something like 5:30 or 6.  I might have set one of the clocks for 5 but I sure didn’t get up.  I didn’t want to get up at 5:30 and I think I just hit the snooze button.  But then at 6 another clock went off and shortly after that the 3rd clock went off.  I actually got out of bed!  I’m fucking surprised.  But I did sleep for like 10+ hours.  My back was beginning to hurt from laying in bed so long.

And since I didn’t want to go to work this early, after going in so yearly yesterday and working so long, I decided to come to the coffee shop because I had to come here anyway.  I just decided to sit inside and write this blog.  Maybe I should start doing this every morning!

I’m going to try to start getting 8 hours of sleep every night and getting up early.  We will see how that works.  Otherwise, in order to get up early I might just have to start going to bed much earlier and trying to sleep longer.  We will see because I have got to do something to start getting to work on-time.  It’s 8:21 right now and I don’t really want to go to work but I think I should.  I have to be there should be there by 9 every morning.

That’s all folks.  Comment, subscribe via the email thingy.  If you have other comments or anything just send me at email to lifeonmygayisland at gmail dot com.  I look forward to hearing from you all!

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A Journal Entry – 12.22.13

Two posts in one day!  If you haven’t already, be sure to check out the one called “Douchebags Among Us.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So last night after sitting at the coffee house for a while, and writing and posting a post, I decided to go to my friend’s house.  She lives in a town about an hour away from where I’m at right now.  I think one of the main reasons I wanted to go was because I wanted to go to the bookstore.  We have a bookstore where I live/work but I like the other one better.  I just like not being in the town I live/work in so, you have that.

So here’s the thing.  I work in town B and I live in town A.  Town A and B are about a half hour apart.  I’m staying, for the moment, in town B because I need a break.  I’ve thought about moving here because this is where I work and most of my life is but I really hate the place.

And I don’t really know what I even mean when I say “most of my life is here now”.  My doctor is in town A, my pharmacist is in town A.  My home is in town A.  I get my haircut in town B and I work in town B.  I have one friend in town A that I would like to visit more but don’t.  I have one friend in town B who we ocassionally go shopping together but we could still do that even if I lived in town A.  I could still go visit my one friend in town A if I lived in town B.  I have two friends.  One in each town.

There is nothing keeping me in town A except for my bedroom.  There is nothing keeping me in town B except for my job.

And when I say “my home” is in town A I don’t mean my “home” just where I’m “living” right now.  It’s where my bedroom is and where I spend the occasional day off.  That’s a whole other thing to write about but I’ll to it later.

So I guess maybe the only reason I’m in town B is because of work.  And I fucking hate town B!  I hate it with a passion!  I hate the people here.  The small-mindedness.  The…the…I just hate it.  And I’m not even going to talk about the gay boys here but, lets me honest, I’d probably have that problem everywhere right now.

And lets talk about the gay boys for a minute.  Fuck Them!  If they are in town B, that is.  Fuck all the gay boys in town B!

I think I’m just going to take myself off the market for a while.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I’m just done.  I’m not looking anymore.  And I’m going to close all my “socal” accounts for “dating.”  I’m going to take myself off the market for a while because I’ve got to make some changes.  I’ve got to deal with some issues.  I’ve got to figure some shit out!  There is having baggage and then there’s me.  The shit I have, I think, is way more than just baggage and I need to clean that shit up before I try to date.  Plus I don’t want to get attached to anybody here because I want to get the fuck out of this goddamn town, and area, quick fast and in a fucking big ass hurry!

So I went to town C last night which is about a hour away from town B.  While I was there I also wanted to go to Best Buy, which I did.

I didn’t buy anything.  I almost bought another iPhone charger because I think I need one more since I upgraded to the new 5S, which I’m in love with, btw.  I looked at and almost bought another iPhone case but I know I would have ended up not liking it as much as the one I have now so I didn’t.  I didn’t buy anything.  I didn’t find anything I really wanted and I didn’t make an impulse purchase.  I did want to go to Staples but I didn’t get there in time to find one.  I don’t like the new one in town B because it’s in the ghetto.  I know, I’m a bitch but they moved to the wrong side of the tracks.  Maybe I’ll explain that later.  I know, I already said I was a bitch.

I did go to the Chinese restaurant that I like to go to when I’m in C.  I hope I wasn’t eating cat.  I tweeted a picture about it.  Go check it out.  Feel free to follow me on twitter.  #happyface.

I did not go to the bookstore.  I’m not sure why but today I am kind of wishing I had.  Well, here’s the thing with that.

I kind of do this a lot.  I will get the idea to go somewhere.  To some store.  It doesn’t really matter what store and I don’t always know when it’s going to happen.  When I’m not alone this never happens but when I am by myself it does.  I will drive all the way there.  It doesn’t matter if it’s close or an hour away.  I will drive there and sometimes even get to the parking lot and park my car.  Then I will think, “nope, can’t do it.”  I don’t go in.

I get this feeling that I just don’t want to get out of my car and have to deal with people.  I don’t want to be seen.  And I don’t go.  It’s another one of those things I need to unpack with a therapist.

After eating I went to my friend’s house.  While I was with her two different things happened with prompted two different posts I will later be writing and posting.  One will be called “I Stood Up to Her” and the other is a condom story that I haven’t thought of a name for yet.

Then, while I was driving to C, before I ever got there, something else happened which I will have to write about called “She Doesn’t Like Me.”  I think all three posts will be good and I hope you find them entertaining.  I also hope I find it therapeutic to write about.

After leaving her house about 12:30 I got home around 1:30 and didn’t go to bed until 5 in the morning.  Then I slept until 2.  Tomorrow is Monday and I need to get up early to get something done for work.  That means I cannot sleep until 11 in the fucking morning because my boss nicely asked me to please get this done as soon as possible Monday morning and I would really like to have it done for my by 8AM.  I would like to have it done and waiting for him in his email inbox by the time he gets to work.  Hopefully I won’t be a complete fucking loser tomorrow morning.

But it is Christmas week and I can already see me taking it easy at work this week.  We will see what actually happens.

Douchebags Among Us

This might be an extra post for today but it was something that couldn’t wait.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh my fucking god some people are so fucking rude! Are you kidding me?!?!

So I’m up at the coffee shop and there is a local artist sharing the table with me. It’s my fucking table, I love this table but

Douchebag (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

that’s beside the point.

A lady with a kid came to stand by the table and sat her drink down on the edge of the table.

True, the table is in a major area of the coffee shop where everybody waits for their drinks. That little edge of the table was clear but it was awfully near the artists computer and drawings. I was thinking I certainly hope the kid that was with the lady didn’t knock the drink over.

Well, up walks Mr. Douchebag, he was with the lady and kid. It didn’t help that he was wearing these hideous sweat pant-type shorts which really showed the penis he didn’t fucking have! He was probably going commando which isn’t a good look for him!

But Mr. Douchebag proceeds to fix his coffee and pushed one of her drawings out of the way! What? Who fucking does that? Why are you fucking touching somebody else’s artwork? WTF?!? Why are you touching somebody else’s stuff?

And I’m not even saying it matters so much that it was a piece of art, which I think in and of itself is a big deal, but someone else’s papers in general! What a fucking douchebag!

I really do hate people. This helps me hate them even more!

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Is This Anxiety?

I might have given my computer a sort of big bump and I swear I think it’s running a little slower now. I’m working on a whole post about how I want a new computer and if I keep this crap up I’ll really need one.

Coffee cup (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

So I was supposed to post at least one blog already…several days ago…and then I planned on posting two blogs this weekend. That would have given me 4 for this week which is what I wanted. Well, as you can see that didn’t happen. But right now I’m up at the coffee shop and I want to talk about this for a minute.

There are 4 coffee shops in town that I know of. One I really like, one I really don’t like because it’s not in the best area because there is absolutely no shad on the small patio. The small patio that only has a few tables. The whole place is small. There is almost nowhere to sit because it is usually busy and all the space is taken.

There are two others in a nice area but 12 miles away…one way. While I don’t mind driving, I just never go to those because they are a bit far away. One of them is really nice but all the hipsters and rich people go there and I have such a problem being in there because I feel so bad. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb and I just don’t belong. I don’t fit. I feel like everybody would be staring at me. I feel like everybody is staring at me. I feel like I’m so hideous. And today I really feel like I don’t look good so that is another reason I wouldn’t want to go.

I was supposed to get up this morning and go to my friend’s house about an hour away from where I am right now because her husband needs to fix something for me. I wanted to get up early but I didn’t set my clock and I did wake up a couple times this morning but just rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to sleep in and stay away from everybody. I didn’t want to be seen and I didn’t want to be bothered. I didn’t get up until 1. This afternoon.

I don’t know why I’m so depressed right now. There is no other explanation for it, I am depressed and I don’t know why. I took my medicine yesterday and the day before and the day before that. I have been taking it this week like I’m supposed to. I know I’ve taken it for the last 3 days and I think I have taken it all week! I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t like it. It would be one thing if I weren’t taking my Prozac like I’m supposed to because I would have an explanation for what is going on. Right now I don’t.

And as I sit up here right now I’m wondering if what I’m experiencing and feeling is anxiety. The problem with this coffee shop is that it is right off the interstate. The other problem with this coffee shop, which I’m glad they have because it means business is good and the economy must not be in the total crapper, they are busy right now. It’s only a few days before the holidays and they are busy with all the people getting off the interstate to get coffee. But there are so many people coming and going and it’s just freaking me out!

I don’t want to go home because I’ll just sleep some more and won’t get anything done. I might get some writing done, but the chances are drastically reduced. But sitting up here is just driving me crazy.

One of the things I do is keep my earbuds in listening to music. Sometimes I will just put on an ambient noise app to drown everything out. The earbuds I use aren’t noise cancelling but I need to get some that are just for times like this. The only problem with the ambient noise app is sometimes finding one that doesn’t hurt my ears. I have to turn it so loud with these earbuds to actually conceal the noise that it will occasionally be too loud not to hurt or make me even that much more crazy. I have run into that problem a couple of times; the app is loud enough to enter in another noise problem but not loud enough, with these particular earbuds, to drown out the other noise which makes me crazy because of all the different noises I’m hearing. I know…it’s all a bit strange.

But this is also what I do when I’m in the store. Especially Walmart!

I don’t like the noise and the crowd and it’s such a bad grade of people in the particular Walmart I have to go to so I try to get rid of all that distraction and interference with my sanity that I wear by sunglasses if it’s still light out and I wear by earbuds. Most of the time when I’m in the store though I either listen to music, or must often, I listen to a podcast or the audio book I’m listening to at the time.

This blog has turned into a great big ol ramble!

But is this anxiety, or social anxiety if there is a thing, that I’m experiencing?

I often eat in my car so I can be alone. Plus I don’t always like to be seen eating. It’s a thing, I know.

When I left the house to come up here I thought I would sit outside because it was a nice day. I did for a while but it began to get cool and the gnats started coming out so I moved inside. I had to come in for more coffee and I was either going to move inside, if I could find a spot I liked, or I was going to go home. My spot was finally open, it wasn’t when I first got here, so I was happy. I’m okay here in my spot. Still a little overwhelmed by all the people but it’s not as bad. This is where I always sit. At least where I always sit when it’s open. Sometimes I will use one of the comfy chairs but most of the time it’s at this big table.

You would think, since I don’t like to be around a lot of people I wouldn’t sit at the biggest table in the house but I do. I like to spread my stuff out when I’m not just writing on the computer and it’s comfy. It’s usual. It’s my spot!

And sweaters help. I don’t know why but they just do. It’s another reason I like winter. I like being covered up.

So I think I’ve ran this post into the ground as much as I can. I also think I’m going to run to my friends house and drop off what I need fixed, and try not to stay very long. Then I think I’ll go into town and go to the bookstore. I might go to the Chinese restaurant where I like to eat when I’m there.

Oh, and this reminds me of another story I need to write about. The Bathhouse.

So I’ve said I wanted to write about my sex life and this is certainly one of those stories. It isn’t something I’m proud of, it’s it is something. It is something I have done in the past and hopefully will not do in the future but I’m not going to lie and say I’m not occasionally tempted. Hell, I was tempted earlier this week.

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