A Blah Day

(Written 1.1.15)

This is not the start to anything new…certainly not the start to anything good.

I feel very…blah…today. I’m in one of those moods where I don’t want to be around people. Nothing new. And my face is set in

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that resting frown. It’s a face I have a lot. A face I have when it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m in a bad mood. Just calm and, sometimes, okay not to be bothered.

And while sometimes it is a face that really means I’m peaceful and okay, just calm and slightly sedate, today that isn’t what it means.

Because deeper, I just want to be left alone. Part of me just wants to crawl under the covers in a cool bedroom, and part of me just wants to cry.

I’ve been wanting to cry a lot, lately.

And being in this unproductive mood does not lend itself well to what I had planned to do today.

I didn’t come to work until 3, and I’m not making big plans or spectacular New Year’s Resolutions. All I want to do is get my stuff in order. Get my life in order. I want to start living the life that I want to live and I want to start living the life I know, at least really think, I’m capable to live.

To do that, things will have to be done differently. To do that, it will be difficult. Considering the mental state I’m currently in, it will be extremely difficult but I want to fight with everything that I have in me to make it happen. I want to become the person that I want to be and the person I really think I can become. I want to do great things like everyone used to tell me I was capable of and that I would do.

My plan for today was to clean and organize my office. It’s not dirty, but very unorganized. I have papers, some in neat piles, some not so much, all over the place. My filing system has gone to shit. It doesn’t look like the office of a person who is leading a company and knows what he’s doing. It looks like the home of someone who has given up on life and doesn’t have a handle on the future. As it were, that would be a pretty apropos description of me.

Now it’s January 2nd

So now it’s the next day.

I might have been writing the beginning of this post while I was still at work and at some point I got distracted. I think I started working again but cleaning and organizing wasn’t part of it.

Then I went home. And today I was too busy to do it. And “after work” when I could have stayed, I didn’t.

Life Lately

I don’t know why, but it seems like life has been giving me little kicks lately.

Maybe not so much a “kick,” but throwing stones at me.

And maybe not so much “life,” but my “mental health.”

Nothing bad has been happening but I haven’t been feeling good lately.  I don’t know what I’ve been feeling, but it hasn’t been “good.”  It’s really hard to describe.

It’s almost as if I were just…here.  That’s really all I can say.

I’ve been somewhat taking my medicine.  In fact, I’m at the cafe right now – and I just looked outside and it is “fucking pouring!”  Not raining, I mean “fucking monsoon pouring ”  The same time I saw it I started hearing it through my earbuds.

I really hope it quits before I have to go in about 30 minutes.  I don’t want to get my laptop wet.

Back to my life lately, but I do like it when it rains sometimes.

Before we return to our regularly scheduled programming, lets go off on this little tangent, too.

I would like a large back porch that is screened in so I can sleep out there, make love out there when I have a man, and write out there.  And so I can just sit and relax out there.  I like being outside.  I would like it to have removable windows so when it’s really cold or really hot and I can have climate control and still enjoy being “outside” even if I am enclosed.  I like being in rooms with lots of windows.

And I don’t want to be able to see my neighbors from this porch and I want to be surrounded my lush greenery.

Back to my life.

I was thinking about this earlier when I was driving to the cafe.  What am I going to do in the future?  I’m afraid to find out that answer.

I often say that I never really know what I’m going to do from one moment to the next until I actually do it.  That’s what living in my head is like.  I never know what is going to happen next.  I just never know.

I worry about suicide.  If I were being honest, truly honest, I would admit that it is really something I worry about.  I fear.  But then, in a way, I don’t.  Lexy says, in Carolyn Parkhurst’s novel Dogs of Babel, that “suicide is just a moment.”  I really think that.  I don’t think it is selfish.  We grieve because we will miss someone.  But we don’t think about the kind of life that person had.  Sometimes it really is best that they are gone, and I think that is a decision that the individual person should be able to make for themselves.

Now let me clarify a few things:

First, I’m not saying I’m about to do anything “stupid.”  I’m not about to kill myself.  I don’t even want to kill myself right now.   All I am saying is that it is an option.  I don’t want to have to do it, but sometimes I think I really might need to keep that option open.

Second, my dad is alive.  I would never kill myself while he is alive.  Although, that is something that I worry about.  I don’t know what I might do when he does die.  He is my life in so much as he is all the family I have left.  But I will unpack that little bit of baggage later.

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