The Prozac is Wearing Off

Good times.

Fluoxetine (Prozac), an SSRI (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not really, but not horrible, either.

At least not yet.

I haven’t taken my Prozac in several days but that is partially because I’m running out of money and I’m also running out of Prozac.  I just took 3 pills, my normal dose (not with my current doctor but with my old doctor).

The doctor I’m going to now – because my old doctor is no longer in business – prescribed me 40MG a day.  That would be two pills a day which, I realize, is better than taking what I’m currently taking which is…two or three pills every few days with little regularity.  I realize this, but still….

I just counted and I have 13 pills left.  There are 11 days until I get paid again.  If I call now maybe I can get an appointment on that 11th day.  I think taking one pill a day would be better than what I have been doing.  Hell, it isn’t like I have much of a choice.  I could see if a friend of mine has any medicine left but I really don’t want to start something new.  I did that before when I was completely out – for a while – and what she gave me I believe was expired.  I wanted to kill myself by the time I got more Prozac.

I could also ask my boss because she said if I needed I could get a few pills from her because I guess she was prescribed it but never takes it.  I don’t know why.  I believe she and I had the conversation that it helps her but, like me, I guess she’s just hard headed.

Another thing that hot me down is that I saw a gay guy who looked cute today.  He was from the capital and I believe where it works, and probably lives, is near a big gay, trendy, area.  I wish I weren’t ugly but that’s the way I feel.  I just feel like I’m not good enough.  And to be honest, I’m not.

Nothing about me is good enough.  I don’t look good, I’m not the best at my job, I haven’t been able to write and I don’t really think I’m smart enough to, anyway, and I don’t have a lot of money.

This is what life with depression is like.

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Dental Update

I wanted to give everyone reading a little update.  I don’t know if you follow my tweets, or see them on the side of this site, but I sent out a few about being nervous about going to the dentist…and then being nervous sitting in the dentist, this

Wisdom Teeth (Photo credit: tarale)

morning.

I’m out, and so are two of my teeth: he pulled the tooth that was hurting along with the wisdom tooth right next to it.  The wisdom tooth needed to come out anyway.  Now I only have one more wisdom tooth left that will eventually need to come out.  I still say that I would like to have that one remaining wisdom tooth removed with someone who can put me to sleep.  I said that the last time I had my other two wisdom teeth removed but was a dumbass and didn’t do it.  At least I know this doctor, who took out one of my wisdom teeth before, can do it.  He’s really, REALLY good!  They are very good with people who are fucking chickens!

So I just wanted to say that at the moment I’m fine.  The last two times I’ve had teeth removed I don’t recall being in pain afterwards.  Maybe a little discomfort, but not pain.  Several people have said that I will be in pain over the next couple of days but I’m hoping that’s not true.  The doctor didn’t say that.

It has bleed longer than I thought it should.  I have smoked when I said I wasn’t going to but I have but I’ve been very gentle about it.  I’m hoping I don’t get a dry socket!  I’ve heard those are a bitch and a half!

I could have sworn I was told to wait 2 or 3 days after having the tooth pulled before smoking.  This time they told me a couple of hours.  After I went online I just saw someone say 48 to 72 hours…that’s 2 to 3 days.  I’m hoping since I have been pull on the cigarette very, very slowly and softly it will not mess anything up or cause problems.  That and I’ve had the gauze pad over the area.  But I think when I remove the gauze pad I really do need to stop smoking, at least for a couple of days.

So, for now, I’m fine.  I’ll keep you updated.  Thanks for reading!

My Own Bit of Personal Hell

So let me begin this by saying, at the moment, I am in no pain.  For that I am very grateful!!!  I have been in no pain for about a day now.  And the only real hellish pain was one night, Thursday night, and I hope we don’t go back to that place.

I am, however, tired, weak, and feeling “funny.”  At times I get the sweats that almost remind me of the beginning of those two times I had the panic attacks.  That was some hell, I just want to let you know!  I really feel for anyone who has really bad panic attacks because I felt like I was about to die!

So the reason I’m in my own little personal hell right now is because of a toothache.  I have a tooth right next to my wisdom tooth that has cracked off, eroded you might say, and I think is splitting in half.  I’ve known about this problem for a little while but it hasn’t hurt.  Until now!

Earlier in the week it started hurting and I was hoping it would hurt for a little while and then go away.  I’ve had that problem with this particular tooth, and my other wisdom teeth, before.  But I guess this is worse.

Thursday night it had me in so much fucking pain that I swear to god I just wanted to blow my brains out!  I was on the way from work to the city I live in to go to the ER but on my way home, thankfully, it quit hurting so I just came home.  The next morning, Friday, I called to the dentist I’ve gone to before and his office was closed on Friday.  I called to some other dentists and they don’t take my insurance.  I called my insurance for a list of providers and they told me since there is no network they don’t have a list of providers.  I will just have to call around until I find one that accepts it.  And if I can’t find one, or the dentist I want to see doesn’t accept it, I can pay out of pocket and then submit something for reimbursement.  Well that’s convenient if you don’t have a lot of money now isn’t it.

So in the mean time I have been gargling with peroxide and a couple of times put Clove Oil on it to help draw out any infection.  Both of which can agitate it and case a little pain when I’m not already feeling any.  A lady from work did give me 4 pain pills; I don’t know which ones, in case I get into a lot of pain.  I haven’t had to take them yet but will keep them just in case.

Today I’m going to try to eat something because I’m getting hungry and I think that’s why I’ve been so weak.  I’ve been taking a lot of Advil but no food.  I also took my Prozac for the last 2 days because I’ve been getting near that crazy place because of the worry over my tooth.

I truly don’t know what I’m going to do if my dentist a.) can’t/won’t pull the tooth or b.) is going to charge me more than $200.  While I’m not in pain I’m trying not to think about that, though.  I’ll leave that bridge to worry about when I have to cross it.  Or when I start hurting again.

It doesn’t help that I haven’t felt good in several days and am supposed to be doing a big project for work.  Everything for the project is supposed to be done before Friday, along with everything else I need to do, and I’m not sure that it will be finished in time.  I might have to tell them we have to push the deadline back a little.

I’m beginning to feel a little lightheaded again.  I go through these spells lately.  I don’t know why.  This has caused me to really worry about my whole body, medically, and what might/could happen.  I don’t deal well with pain and sickness.

And while I wouldn’t do anything now that my father is still alive, it has made me think a lot about the possibility of suicide.  If it will make the pain stop, I don’t see how it’s a bad idea.  And it’s not like I have a lot of friends that will miss me.  That is something I want to talk about later.

I’ve got to get the strength to get showered and dressed now so I can go to the store.  I think I’m going to get some Boost because I think that has the vitamins you need.  Along with going to KFC for some mashed potatoes and gravy and macaroni and cheese.    Maybe that will be some good carbs to fill my stomach and give me a little energy.  I do feel really weak.  Not long after I woke up at noon I wanted to lie back down because I felt a little weird/weak.  The weird feeling is a little difficult to explain.

But for now I’m fine.  I’m making it through.