Can I Cry Now, or Should I Wait

I’m not sure if I should cry now or wait…but I’m thinking now sounds pretty good.

I used to live the solo life but that didn’t seem to go so well.  I had a cheap place that I didn’t like because it was falling apart that I had the option to buy.  I toyed with that idea for a little while but thought it was really a horrid idea because I didn’t have the time or money to fix it up…and it would have had to be almost completely gutted to really make decent.  There was, I’m pretty fucking sure, some mold involved in the walls.  I know there was, along with a leaking roof, in one of the bedrooms.  It just wasn’t worth it.

So now I’m not living alone and I don’t like that at all.  I also have a lot of gas to pay for because I have to drive 35 miles each way to work…and my car does not get 35 miles to the gallon!

Anyway.  So I’ve been thinking about moving to the city I work in because not only am I tried of living with someone, I am also tired of spending so much money in gas.  Today, after all, gas is $3.82 a gallon and I’m guess it’s not going down anytime soon.  Summer is just around the corner, after all.  And thieves are running the country.

So I was adding up the bills that I have now, which equal about $1,620 per month…which would explain why I’m always broke.  And I also added up what I think my bills would be if I moved, $1,940.  And those totals are per month.  And they are just guesstimates.  I’m not exactly sure what I’m spending right now but I do need to find out.

As for what I’m spending right now, the only things I’m not completely sure about are the variables like food, gas, cigarettes, and then the other crap I spend my money on but probably shouldn’t.

As for the bills I think I would have when I moved everything is a variable at this point.  Well, at least almost everything.  My $340 car payment – which I will have for another 2 more years; my $250 student loan payment – which I will have…until I fucking die; and my $100 cell phone bill – which I will also have until I die…or become really, really poor.  While it is true I could reduce my cell phone bill by about $55 to $70 by going to a cheap ass Straight Talk prepaid minute phone, I don’t want to!  I’ve become quite accustomed to having a smartphone and do not want to live without it.  I had much rather quit smoking which would be a really fucking smart idea!

I’m actually hoping my student loan will go down soon because right now I’m in a recovery program because some dumbass ignored the payments for quite some time and was almost garnished.  I only have 2 to 5 more payments left at which time the bad marks on my credit should be removed.  I’m also hoping at that time, which is what they said, I will be able to lower my payment.  I’m really hoping to reduce it by about $100.  They did say I would be able to then qualify for more student loans or stop paying for them all together if I go back to school.  I would like to return to school but my current GPA would not allow for me to qualify for student loans at the moment and I don’t have the money, at the moment, to pay for the classes out right.

(When I got promoted a few years ago I quit school in the middle of the semester which completely  annihilated my previously good GPA.)

What I have guesstimated as the living expenses is $200 for food – which I’m not sure if it will be enough…certainly not if I want to start “eating healthy;” $500 for rent – which I’m really hoping will be about $100 less for a studio apartment instead of the one bedroom which I was hoping I would be able to afford but I now totally see is out of the question; $60 for internet – which I couldn’t live with out…at least I really wouldn’t want to; $130 for car insurance – which I’m currently not paying for because my day still pays my insurance; $100 for power – which I’m also hoping will be about $50 less since it will be a studio apartment which…is about 288 square feet; $40 for water/sewer; and $150 for gas.

The problem comes in that I only bring home $2,080 a month after taxes.  That would leave, if the bills are $1,940, only about $140 A MONTH left for any and everything extra…and all emergencies that come up, clothing, etc.  That is not enough!

I guess I should just wait until I get out of the student loan recovery and see how much my loan payments really do go down.  (But I sure as fucking hell don’t want to have to wait until my car is paid off…which will take another 2 years!)

And it’s not like I have the money for deposits and other stuff so it’s not like I could move out tomorrow if I wanted to.  I was thinking I should start buying stuff little by little for the new place – since I lost everything I owned in a storage unit incident – but now I’m thinking I should just save that money instead.

This is just depressing.  I really want to fucking move!  I want my own place.  I want to be able to fix the place just the way I want it…which will take fucking money I obviously won’t have!

Just a Quick Thought

I got on the computer because I was going to do a little writing.  I had something in mind that I wanted to write about.  Then I went online to find a picture of what it was I wanted to write about and then I got side tracked.

It’s been over an hour and I only wrote about 2 lines.  I’m always getting side tracked.

I also haven’t taken my Prozac in over a fucking week.  I know I have another bottle but I need to find it.  Otherwise I need to get it refilled which I really can’t afford to do right now.

I am kind of hungry though.  I think I’ll go make a sandwich and then go to bed.  It is 12:30 in the morning and I really do need to get up early in the morning.  I’m hoping to get up at 7:30ish and get to work by 8:30ish.  We’ll see how that works out.

I Want a Gay Doctor

I want a gay doctor.  As a gay man going to the doctor can be interesting.  If you are in the community you probably already know about this, or have heard people talk about it…you may have even experienced it.

The doctor I use is a nice lady but I’m not completely sure how good she is.  I don’t know how competent her or her staff is.  In fact, sometimes I think they aren’t.  I’ve had some good experiences and bad experience.  However, with that being said I do think she’s a very nice lady and certainly means well.  Though, meaning well isn’t really what you need or are looking for in a physician.

The thing is, I’m just not exactly sure what she would say about my “gay lifestyle,” especially when I ask her specific questions about…some of the things involved in…”gay life.”

I also think, in general, I would just be much more comfortable because they would know exactly what it’s like.  I don’t just want a “gay friendly” doctor, I want an actual “gay doctor.”

But I’m not really sure how to go about finding one.

More Listening, Less Starbucks

Ok, I’ve been thinking about getting an account with Audible.com and I was also thinking I should stop going to Starbucks so much.

Now the whole thing about not going to Starbucks so much is really tough for me.  I freaking LOVE Starbucks.  Like, a lot!  I love everything about Starbucks.  The way I (hear) they treat them employees.  I love the books about them.  I haven’t read all of them, yet, and I will admit some of them seem to be just about the people who wrote them, bragging about themselves.  But they all, so far, have good ideas in them.

So I really don’t want to stop going.  But I do need to stop spending so much money.  And I would like an audible.com account.

At first I was thinking I should just “stop” going to Starbucks so much.  But then I got to thinking, maybe I should just stop getting so many expensive latte’s.  I could get something less expensive like just a cup of coffee (I love their new roast – Blond!), and I could just stop going…so often.

Maybe that will work.  But I do love my latte’s but I also need to help the waist line which the latte’s don’t help.

Anyway, if I got the Audible account I could listen to more of the audiobooks I would like to listen to because I don’t have enough time to do all the reading I would like to do.

P.S.: My head is just so crazy that there are a million things running through it!  All the time!

Seriously Fucked Up – SERIOUS T.M.I. WARNING!!!

Don’t read this if you don’t like “poop talk!”

Tonight slash in the morning will be day number seven of a fucked up stomach!  This is seriously fucked up and I don’t know what’s going on.  I have been sick for almost 7 days now and this is driving me fucking crazy.  I don’t feel good.  I don’t feel “horrible,” but I also certainly don’t feel good.

I just ate some chicken soup and soda crackers, mostly just crackers and the broth, and I’m not sure what’s going on in my stomach.  It kind of feels like I need to go to the bathroom, but I’m not quite sure yet.  When I need to pee, sometimes I feel like I need to go number 2, instead.

Okay, it’s been an hour or two since I ate and I didn’t have to go to the bathroom yet, but my stomach is still rumbly.

This morning I had diarrhea but yesterday I only went once, I think, and it was kind of solid.  It actually was solid but it was just a small bit and not the right consistency.

Do you really know how bad it is when you “feel bad?”  It just completely destroys your life!

How the fuck am I going to work with this going on?  It’s very fucking difficult!  And I have been absolutely unproductive all fucking week this week!  I don’t want to go through this another fucking week!  I guess I’m going to need to work while I can and hope that will make up for the times when I don’t feel good.  At least with my job right now, most of the time, I do have a bathroom available when I need it.

And I do have to say, Monday was absolute hell!  Tuesday, on the other hand, was much better.  I felt almost normal.  On Monday, starting probably around midnight, it was absolute hell because I pooped so much until I think it was just acid coming out because my butt hurt like holy hell!  I even saw some blood.  By Tuesday, I believe, all that was better.  I don’t remember if I had to go to the bathroom that morning, but I did Wednesday.  Starting Monday it has pretty much been good day, bad day, good day, bad day.

At first I was thinking it was just something like a stomach virus because Monday night I did have chills and a headache but the headache was after taking a nap and I don’t know if that was just because of how I slept because that does sometimes happen to me.  But for the rest of the time I have had no other symptoms other than fucking diarrhea!  I’ve been taking Imodium A-D which has helped.  I’ve needed something that would help just to give my fucking anus time to HEAL!  With the acid it has hurt like fucking hell and I think that’s where the blood came from.  It was bright red which, from what I have read online, is a sign of lower intestinal issues which they say can come from all the diarrhea.  I hope it’s not a hemorrhoids issue.

Tonight I’m going to eat mashed potatos and a plain hamburger, cooked well, with provolone cheese.  We’ll see how that works out.

And throughout all of this, I have still been horny and have masturbated.  Although, during this, especially while my anus hurt (but never to the point it hurt to sit down, thank god), my balls have been a little achie.  And I haven’t been urinating very forcefully.  That scares me because of a prostate issue and all the reading I’ve done online.  That’s never a good thing to do.

This has also brought up some other issues I would like to write about.  Maybe later.  I’ve been working on them but just haven’t posted them – or finished them – yet.

Oh, and one more thing I forgot to mention about when I feel bad.  When I feel bad and sick, and scared about what might be wrong, I feel really, really guilt about all the money I have spent on things I don’t really need!

Not Today

Seriously, why are you taking so fucking long to load this page?!?

Anyway….

Most days I end up staying at work all freaking afternoon.  I will come in anywhere between 8 and 10 in the morning but I’ll send up working until 10 or 11 at night.  Even when I come in at 8 I might stay until 11 at night, sometimes even after midnight.  But not tonight.

Today I play on going home at a decent hour.  Or at least if I don’t go home I’m going to stop doing “work” stuff and starting doing “me” stuff.  I have a lot of it I can do.  At home I’ll just end up getting distracted by the roomie.  Or I’ll get tired and want to nap.  Or play with the pet.  Or just watch TV while I play with the pet.

Today, since I cam in at a decent hour I am going to END work at an also decent hour.

Maybe I can start doing this on a regular basis.

P.S.: I really fucking hate Pat Robertson!

What An Idiot

I really am a fucking idiot, sometimes.

Last night I was trying to get into this account because I had something really good that I thought of and wanted to write about.  Problem was, I couldn’t get it.  I tried and tried and tried again but it kept telling me my username/password didn’t work or that account didn’t exist.

I was thinking, WTF?!?  I just wrote something earlier and didn’t have a problem getting it!  What in the world is going on.

So today I try on my laptop, which I left in my office yesterday, or day before, actually.

Turns out, I’m an idiot!  I was using the wrote username and the wrong URL when I was trying to just pull up the site.  I was using a URL which doesn’t exit…it’s not the one I picked!

My bad….