Confused People

So clearly some people are confused.  Clearly they don’t know me very well.

With a few people – the person I’m talking about in this blog is one of them – I’m very open about having depression and taking medication for it.  When I’m not taking my pills things that get ugly.  And even when I am taking my pills things aren’t always pretty.  Sometimes I just have a bad day.  Sometimes I just don’t feel like being around people.  I don’t really want to be bothered and I’m not going to be all happy and cherry.  I’m not a ray of fucking sunshine…and certainly not all the time!

I thought this particular person knew that, but I guess she didn’t.

We have been thinking about starting a writing project together.  We’ve been talking about it for…about a week now.  That isn’t a long time but for whatever reason things seemed to be going really well and everything was looking like we were going to get our first piece finished today.  That was on…Wednesday.  Thursday, yesterday, things clearly took a turn for the worst.

I’ve been doing pretty well all week with taking my medicine like I’m supposed to.  I started last Friday – a week from today – because that is the day I thought I was going to fucking snap!  I really wanted to lose my fucking mind.  I think that was the day after I went out of town to pick up my new computer – which I haven’t even written about…I don’t think.  I think I started those posts but haven’t finished them.

Anyway, so, all week I’ve been in a pretty good mood.  Well for a day or two I did forget to take my medicine.  I don’t know if it was a coincidence or what but on Thursday – the day we were going to take of from the writing project – I was in a crappy mood.  I guess I was too “negative” and pissed her off.

Now we haven’t known each other for a long time, only a couple of months, but we’ve been hanging out a lot!  And she has seen my mood swings so I think she should know what I’m like.  Maybe I was wrong.

She basically said my negativity is not going to be good for the project.  I’m sorry.

If you think I’m going to go every day of my life without being in a bad mood then you are wrong!  Severely wrong!  I wish I could but that’s just not how my mind was made, chemically.  It isn’t how I function.

I have a very high-stress job and I just have bad days.  It is what it is and if that is what is stopping us from working together, or stopping you from wanting to work for me, then go for it.  I can’t do anything about that.  Even if I take my medicine every fucking day I’m still going to have days when I feel moody and depressed.  That’s just how I am and anybody who can’t deal with that has to get over it or just not be friends with me.

I’m curious to see if we remain as close of friends as we have been.  Only time will tell but I’m really curious.

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Poopy Day

So poo-poo on this day.

So I think we all know by now I suck at taking my medicine every day.  In fact, with this heading where it’s going to I will even tell you now…I haven’t even taken my medicine yet for today.  That should tell you how stellar I am.  And it’s not like my pills were all the way at my house while I was at work.  (In the past I have been keeping them at my desk at work.)  No, I decided to start keeping them in my computer bag because that way I can remember to take them.

Actually, a friend of mine with whom I was talking about my shitty moods and not taking my pills like I should suggested I start keeping them in my bag.  I took her up on the suggestion.  And today, while I was at work and knew I was in a foul mood, my bag sat next to my desk.  All day.  With the pills inside.  Waiting for me to take them.  I didn’t.  I still haven’t.  Even after sitting at the coffee shop and talking to her about it.

I think I pissed her off today, actually, but I can’t say I give a fuck.  I mean I did tell her this was one of those days where I have no fucks left to give.  Someone at work today asked me what was wrong.  She said I didn’t seem this way when I first came in.

The thing is, most of the time I don’t feel like I’m in a bad mood or like this is going to be a bad day when I first get up.  It’s usually at work that I get pissed off.  Like, as soon as I fucking walk in the god damn door I get pissed!  Something about being at work sends me over the edge.  They don’t have to do anything.  Nobody has to piss me off when I get there.  All they have to do is say “hi” and I’ll get pissed.

But I wasn’t in a rageful mood, I just didn’t feel like doing anything and didn’t feel like being bothered.  Today was one of those days when I just wanted to be left alone.

I’m going to get up and take my pills now.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

And maybe my missing 1 day – or maybe 2 – of pills has nothing to do with my mood, I don’t know.  It wasn’t a “bad” day but it wasn’t a “good” day, either.  It was one of those days that when I was coming home I was thinking I would like to go somewhere alone this weekend and just get away.

I should look for some gay cabins or gay campgrounds with cabins.  I need a little bit of “home comforts.”  Like running fucking water, an air conditioner, and a nice CLEAN toilet!  But that would be fun.

This Isn’t Working

If there’s one thing I know for sure it is that this, what I’m doing right now and the way I’m living, isn’t working.  This cannot continue.  I can’t keep going like this and I can, I just can’t, keep up with this bullshit!  Something has got to go!

Today was one of those days when I just wanted to snap.  By the end of the day I wanted to go the fuck off on someone until it wasn’t even funny!

I was sitting at a red light.  I was fumbling with something, I think it might have been my phone, and I knew there was a six-pack of IBC Cream Soda – glass bottles – sitting in my back floorboard with one sitting in the back seat.

I was several cars behind the red light, maybe the 4th one in line.

There was a red Honda Accord Coupe driven by a tallish young guy.  The light turned green and there were 2 car length in front of me before I noticed.  In the split second before I went, after I noticed what was going on, I thought of the guy in the car behind me.  I thought if he honked his fucking horn I would slam on brakes, grab the amber-colored bottle from my backseat, get out of my car and yell at him telling him “if you want to fuck with me you blog that God-damn horn one more fucking time,” then throw the bottle at his windshield.

I thought how much I wish I had a taser in case he then tried to get out of his car and come after me.

That is when I fucking knew I needed to go home.  I didn’t, but it’s when I thought I really needed to.

Before that event, I had already slammed my car door – which I never usually do – to go back into my office to get something I forgot.  My coffee.  I had forgot to get my coffee out of the microwave.  I also wanted to throw my phone across my car – which I also never do because I don’t even set my iPhone down hard…I am only gental and kind to that wonderful devise – because the internet wasn’t working.  Fucking Sprint!

Today is when I wanted to snap.  I wanted to fucking go the fuck off at anybody.

It is days like today that I can’t take many more of.  Something has GOT to give!  Something has got to change!

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Life Happens

So life has been happening.  Which, is a good thing, but it can occasionally get in the way of other plans.

Coffee shop, café.

Coffee shop, café. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s actually a good thing because I’ve been socializing more.  I met a couple people who are friends with some other people I meet at the coffee house I always go to so for the last…3 days, I think…I’ve been talking to them instead of writing.

A couple of days ago – 3, 4, I don’t remember – I came up here with the sole intentions of getting some work done.  My friends were here so I talked to them the entire time.  2 days ago, I thought the same thing but while I was taking a break outside these other friends – and by friends I just mean new aquatints – came up and sat with me.  We talked for the rest of the night until it was time for the coffee shop to close.

Yesterday I pretty much knew work wasn’t going to happen, and I was right: it didn’t.

Today I didn’t leave work – after fucking something up and having to fix it – until almost 9.  I sat outside with the aquatints for a little while and then came inside.  They close at 10 and I don’t have a lot of time.

As soon as I sat down at a table inside and opened my laptop my real friend came in.

For the moment she’s busy helping them at the shop because she’s off but they were busy today, thus behind on their closing duties.  I’m writing this quick post while she works.

I really had meant to start writing every day…at least every other day.  Clearly that ship went down in flames.  But I will try to get better…that’s the bright side.

I actually have a few posts in mind that you might find interesting.  All things that have to do with things going on in my life right now.

  1. I need to decide what I want to do when I grow up.  I know it isn’t what I’m doing right now.  I’m getting more and more tired of my job, and not just my job but my profession.  I’m beginning to think I want to start doing something that doesn’t have me in charge.  However, I don’t want to make a lot less money than I’m making right now.
  2. I started, but haven’t yet finished, a post that is basically about getting rid of bad friends.  I have one that I need to get rid of.

So that’s something to look forward to.  I would also like to expound on a few things that I wrote on my “Fear List,” especially the thing about suicide.  I do have something intelligent to say about that.

Anyway, thanks for reading.  COMMENT!  Follow, and all those other good things!

 

Cathching Up

I just want to say something real quick: Zemanta, and WordPress, are getting on my nerves right now…but especially Zemanta.

I watch YouTube videos of people, their vlogs, and sometimes they say they are recording that particular video for the second time because there was a problem with there camera, or whatever, the first time they tried filming.  Well, I’m posting this blog for the second time.  I have had this problem before and it’s really getting on my nerves.  I’ve thought about starting to use something like FourSquare, and this makes me really want to.

I use Zemanta, which is a plugin, to find and insert pictures into my posts.  Normally it works okay but lately it’s been really messing up.  It has fucked up what I’ve written, or this time didn’t show the pictures after a couple attempts to publish.

On occasion it has event taken out parts of what I wrote when I put the picture in.  That really pisses me off!  So this time, no photos for you!  Sorry!  If anyone knows about this problem, a better plugin, or how to fix it I would be greatly appreciative if you emailed or commented on how I could fix this.  Also, does anyone know about FourSquare?

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I had a good weekend.  It was decent.  I’ll tell you about it but first I will start with today.  Sometimes I just like to do things backwards.

So today I did…nothing.  I was a lazy bastard all day and enjoyed it.  Friday night I did not get much sleep and woke up at an unholy 6:23 in the morning on Saturday so I think I ended up going to bed around 2 Sunday morning/Saturday night.  So, since I did sleep so little Friday night and was up so long on Saturday I decided I would sleep in on Sunday.  I mean, it is God’s day of rest, after all.  Not that I believe in God, but whatever.

I actually set my clock for 10AM on Sunday but, when it went off I just turned if off and went back to bed.  The next thing I know it was 2PM.  I think I got up for a little while, and then took a nap at 3ish.  I was only going to sleep for about 30 minutes – a cat nap – but the next thing I knew…it was 6PM.  I was okay with that.

I was supposed to go see a friend of my who works at the Coffee House so I decided I would get up and start to be productive.  That’s why I’m just now writing at 11:20 at night.  I mean, I do have to get up early for work in the morning, but I did sleep all day.

And can we talk about work, for a minute.  I have a couple of things to say about that but the first will be this: I really do need to get up at a respectable hour in the morning!  I’ve said this before but I’ve really got to start getting to work at a decent hour!

This evening I finally got dressed and went to the Coffee House.  I didn’t know what I was going to write – if anything – because while I was driving there I didn’t have much of an urge.

I do want to write a piece about a certain type of “friend” because I have one of those friends and I think it maybe be quite the unhealthy relationship.  I have been meaning to work on that for a while and hope to get it posted this week.

I also have some wiring I could do about the Story of J but I just didn’t feel like it.  This is all to say I didn’t know what I would do, other than occasionally talk to my friend who is up there, and just “chill.”  I did just that.

I didn’t take my computer out but instead read the newspaper which she was busy, and talked to her while she wasn’t.  It was just a relaxing evening.  I was thinking about going to the grocery store but thought better of it.

Saturday was a fun day.

I did just want I said I was going to do which is go to the city and checked things out.  I went to the coffee shop I wanted to check out.  It was an independent one that was filled with very artsy people.  I guess there is a school around there because it seemed like there was a lot of college students in there.  Also, I noticed there wasn’t a single PC, which the exceptions of mine and one other ladies.  We both looked like posers.  We looked like we didn’t belong.  We looked out of place.

That’s one of the reasons I want to get a Macbook.  One, I’ve heard they are much better and less of a pain in the ass.  Second, “my kind of people” are Mac people.  I want to be amongst the creative and artsy types and not the corporate drones, and boring people, I always picture when I think of someone who uses a PC.

The only tiny problem with the day was that it was raining.  I didn’t know the area and I would have loved to have just walked around.

It turns out the coffee shop I went to wasn’t in the exact part of town I thought it was in, it was a…couple of miles away, maybe.  I’m not sure that part of town would have been the safest to walk around it but I didn’t eventually get to the part of town I wanted to be in.  I think I may have driven past another coffee shop that I will have to check out on another day.  It actually would be a good place to go and just walk around one day.  I’ll have to go back when it’s not raining.  It will be hot as hell soon, but I’ll just have to sweat my way through it.

But that coffee shop was nice and I would certainly go back.  I actually didn’t feel too bad.  The other thing I noticed was that there were no fat people in there.  I would have thought I would have felt more self-conscious about this, since I do weight almost 260 pounds and only stand just under 6 foot.  This was not a surprise to me.

After leaving I was hungry and found a neat pizza place to have lunch at and it was superb.  I had a calzone, which I loved, and would like to get again.  I didn’t want something that was a chain.  I was looking for something local and unique and found it with the help of my GPS.  I almost ate at a different restaurant but I couldn’t tell if it was open or not and didn’t want to walk in the rain only to find they were closed.

While I was waiting for my meal I read a local paper that was free on a stand in the restaurant.  I saw something about a bookstore I had heard about a long time ago and would have loved to have checked out but they would have been closed by the time I got there.  There was also another store I needed to go to for work and they were about to close in a few hours so I was on a sort of time schedule.

While at lunch, and I’ve now decided I will write about this in another post later instead of including it in this one, I got a text from my boss which resulted in me calling her.  I’m sort of glad I did and wish I had not at the same time.  I got some news that I was not at all happy with so I decided after lunch to call my day of exploration and adventure over.  I’ll write all about it later.

I did enjoy the day and certainly plan on returning to properly check out the area when it’s not raining.  I enjoyed this time alone where I could do whatever I wanted to do and go wherever I wanted to go without having to worry about someone else not wanting to go.  But good friends will let you go where you want while you also go where they want, too.  I hope to have that person soon: a boyfriend, really, that I could explore new areas with.

And not just explore new areas, but also just live life, together.

But until then, I will continue to be independent and, hopefully, not fearful.  I will try to realize the signs of clinical depression and attempt to fight them.  This, after, is the journey I have to travel.

A Day for a New Adventure

Today, I think I shall try something new.  I think, today, I shall drive to the city an hour and half north of me.

I go there often, to a particular area, but today I think I will do a little exploring.

There’s a section of town that is quite artsy.  It’s knows for being a place of hipsters, people who are trendy, the upper echelon, the place for people who are creative.

And since I want to be one of those people I think I will go join them.

I also don’t want to sleep all day – even though I could totally go home right now, crawl into bed, and sleep half the day.  I didn’t get much sleep last night and woke up this morning, on a fucking SATURDAY, at 6:23 and got out of bed.  I don’t remember what time I went to bed last night.  Originally I was planning to take a “nap” and get up around 2 this morning to piddle around and then go back to bed.

I’m not sure why I fight sleep so much.  I mean I certainly don’t in the morning when I need to get out of bed.  I hate getting up of a morning, always have.

And I’m afraid my mind won’t work today after I get down there.  Driving in the car, especially lately, has made me tired a lot.  Really I don’t know what hasn’t made me tired.  I’m always tired.  I always want to crawl into bed and stay there.

But I digress.

It’s a rainy day but I don’t want to stay at home all day.  I don’t want to call my friend who I think I need to get rid of, and I don’t want to call my other friend because she’s usually busy.  I kind of just want to go off into the day and see where it takes me.  See where I land.

I want to go off and discover today, a new area of town, and just be.  I want to be not alone, but free.  I want to freely explore.

I’m single.  I’m alone.  And I don’t want to have to rely on other people for my happiness or entertainment.  I don’t need other people to do things with.  We should be able to travel and explore alone.

And, if I were being honest, I would tell you that I hope, alone the journey, I will find someone.  I will find my husband.

He’s not going to come to me sitting in my office at work – which is where I spend a lot of my time if I have noting to do on the weekends – nor will he find me if I’m sitting at home alone.

So off to explore I will go, confidently.

I went online and found two coffee houses I and I plan to at least check out one.  I’m going to check out the one in the hip part of town because there’s also a store that I haven’t been to in a very long time that is earthy and has a lot of neat, interesting stuff.

Those are my plans.  That and I hope to do a little more writing in the coffee house.  I want to sit and watch people, too.  Today should be a fun day.  And I’ll try driving carefully since it’s raining.

Thanks for reading.  Comment and subscribe, please.  🙂