A Blah Day

(Written 1.1.15)

This is not the start to anything new…certainly not the start to anything good.

I feel very…blah…today. I’m in one of those moods where I don’t want to be around people. Nothing new. And my face is set in

blah...

blah… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

that resting frown. It’s a face I have a lot. A face I have when it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m in a bad mood. Just calm and, sometimes, okay not to be bothered.

And while sometimes it is a face that really means I’m peaceful and okay, just calm and slightly sedate, today that isn’t what it means.

Because deeper, I just want to be left alone. Part of me just wants to crawl under the covers in a cool bedroom, and part of me just wants to cry.

I’ve been wanting to cry a lot, lately.

And being in this unproductive mood does not lend itself well to what I had planned to do today.

I didn’t come to work until 3, and I’m not making big plans or spectacular New Year’s Resolutions. All I want to do is get my stuff in order. Get my life in order. I want to start living the life that I want to live and I want to start living the life I know, at least really think, I’m capable to live.

To do that, things will have to be done differently. To do that, it will be difficult. Considering the mental state I’m currently in, it will be extremely difficult but I want to fight with everything that I have in me to make it happen. I want to become the person that I want to be and the person I really think I can become. I want to do great things like everyone used to tell me I was capable of and that I would do.

My plan for today was to clean and organize my office. It’s not dirty, but very unorganized. I have papers, some in neat piles, some not so much, all over the place. My filing system has gone to shit. It doesn’t look like the office of a person who is leading a company and knows what he’s doing. It looks like the home of someone who has given up on life and doesn’t have a handle on the future. As it were, that would be a pretty apropos description of me.

Now it’s January 2nd

So now it’s the next day.

I might have been writing the beginning of this post while I was still at work and at some point I got distracted. I think I started working again but cleaning and organizing wasn’t part of it.

Then I went home. And today I was too busy to do it. And “after work” when I could have stayed, I didn’t.

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Obligatory “I’m Coming Back” Post

So this is my obligatory “I’m going to start blogging again” post.  Not that there are a lot of people, if any, reading right now but that is to be expected since I don’t post a lot.  Hell, I haven’t posted in months.  I am going to start working harder on gaining new readers and posting on a regular basis.  This is going to be a lot of life journal and things I’m going through so if that’s not what you’re interested in…I guess it won’t work between us.  We’re going to have to breakup.   #funnyface

One of the other things I want to start writing about is my sex life.  I know that is also going to be something that a lot of people probably won’t be into but I really want to start using this blog as a journal, which I have in the past, and as a “session with a therapist,” if you will.  I know there are a lot of things that I should be unpacking with a therapist but for now I’m going to have to use this blog.  (That is one of the things I’m looking forward to when I get insurance thanks to “Obamacare” as everyone likes to derogatorily call it.)  I hope you find my therapy writing sessions interesting.  I do think opening up about a lot of things will – and can – help others because most of us think we are alone in our struggles when in fact we are not.

But, today’s topic is going to be about work and stress.  I’m going to try not to make this very long because there is another post I would like to get written, or at least mostly written, for tomorrow.  I would like to start posting at least 4 times a week, at the least.  I know some days there really isn’t anything new and exciting to talk about, but we will just have to sit back together and see what happens.

So we all know – or should know – stress can kill you.  I have heard a lot of people talk about how if you’re sick or going through a big medical problem/disease, you need to try and reduce stress as much as possible.  My mother suffered, and eventually died from, cancer for most of my life. My dad worked tirelessly to make sure she was as happy, comfortable, and as stress free as she could possibly be.  That was one of his two biggest goals and challenges, and jobs, really, while she was sick.  I think that is also the reason she lived so much longer than her doctors thought she would and why she did as well, for as long, as she did.  That was part of how she was able to not give up and give in to the disease.  That and the fact that she had me and I was her biggest life goals.  I remember my dad saying after she passed that her biggest goal was to see me turn 18.  She did not get to do that but she tried.

So keeping that in mind, I am trying really hard not to get stressed.  There are some things that we just can’t do anything about and there is no productive reason for us to bitch about those things or stress about those things.  Well, today I learned of another thing that I would normally want to stress about but I’m just going to tell my self not to stress and that everything will be okay.

Payroll might not clear the bank this week.  And, on top of that, when I hold off until Monday to cash my check, it could bounce.  We get paid on Friday.  Today my boss asked if there was any way some of my employees might be able to wait to get paid.

“No, I really don’t think so,” I said.

Yes, let’s tell my ghetto employees who are only here for their paycheck and not because this is any kind of career for them that they need to wait a few extra days to get paid.  On top of that, let’s tell my employees who don’t even fucking make that much that they have to wait to get paid.  No, no that will not work.

It is difficult enough, and big enough of a deal that I’m going to wait to cash my check.  I know I’m helping them out with that and I pretty much offered that solution before he had to ask.  I’m not sure if he would have asked, but I offered.  I’m making a sacrifice for them and I really hope they see that as being as big of a deal as that really is!  That is not just me waiting until next week to cash my check.  That is me, someone who does not really make that much money in the grand scheme of things, and someone who does not have any savings, waiting an entire weekend extra to cash my check when I have bills due on Friday. Not only do I have bills due but I also don’t have a whole not of money to tide me over until then.  The said fact of my life, and I know this part is my fault, is that I live paycheck to paycheck.  Granted, I realize that is not his fault.  But that is the fact of the matter and that is something that I am going to have to deal with this weakened.  I also realize that it is not my problem to have to wait until Monday to cash my check when I am supposed to be paid every other Friday.  Additionally, I’m going to have to make some phone calls and see if some of the bills that I have due on Friday can wait until next week.  I don’t know what I’m going to do if they say no.

What I’m going to try not to do is jump to conclusions, which is something that I normally like to do.  I’m very good at that.  I’m not going to think about the fact that we could be about to lose the company even though I really don’t think that is the case.  I’m also not going to think about the possibility of them getting rid of my job so that they can save some money.  I’m not going there right now.

This does, however, make me think more about the fact that I really do need to look for another job, and soon!  There are some other things that have happen that I want to talk about and write about but I will do that in a later post.  I will say this though: I feel like if I don’t get the fuck out of this area, and from away from these people, I’m going to lose my goddamn mind!

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The Never-ending Day

Tuesday, June 11, 2013 – 3:13PM

I’m not having a bad day or anything, I just want it to be over with.  I want to be able to go home.  And by go home I really mean

Interior of the 1938 Diner in Wellsboro, Tioga...

Interior of the 1938 Diner in Wellsboro, Tioga County, Pennsylvania, United States (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

just go to the coffee shop and relax and maybe do some writing.  Or play on the internet…I do that a lot, too.  This just seems like one of those days that is crawling by and will never end.  And the funny thing is I got a pretty good amount of sleep last night.  I shouldn’t be tired.  And I’m not really, I’m just in one of those moods where I want to go home.  I don’t want to be “on” and I don’t want to be around people I have to be remotely cheery around.

I got the idea for a new story and I would also like to start work on that, at least the outline.  I think it will be good but there will be some research I first need to know.  I don’t know how long it will be, but it won’t bet past the first sentence if I don’t at least start it!

I had to run an errand for work this morning and stopped to get lunch while I was gone.  It was actually around noon so it was time for lunch.  I had been wanting breakfast food since I went to bed last night but didn’t get up early enough this morning to go before work.  I stopped at this diner that I have only been to once before.  It’s on a side of town that I don’t usually go to.

While I was there it wasn’t very busy but I was wishing I had my computer with me.  It was probably only one step down from what I would consider a true diner.  The reason I say one step down is because it is a chain, but it really felt like a diner.  Diners kind of interest me.

I never think of anything really great when I think of a diner.  I always think of something kind of dirty and kind of poor.  Where the lower classes of society go.  I know I’m wrong for a variety of reasons when I say that but it’s still what always comes to mind.  I would like to do some writing in that diner because I think I could hit on something good.  I know, I’m strange.

I’m going to go so I can get back to work and hopefully get this day over with.  Only a few more hours to go.  I can’t wait to go home.

And, I hope the tire on my car lasts to get me home and then back to work!  It’s looking quite “ratchet.”

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June 5, 2013 – So Far, So Good

Well I think I’m pissing some people off, but that’s okay.  They really haven’t seen anything yet.  It will be a little extra work for me, but that’s okay.

I didn’t get up at 6:30 like I had planned, but I did get to work by 9:30 which really, for me lately, isn’t that bad.  I was able to get things started like I wanted.  There is still a lot of work left to do today but we will just have to deal with a long day.  I, too, will have to deal with a long day.

It’s break time again.  And yes, I did upset a few people and more are to come.

So here’s the thing.  There is one guy who is really upset about some of the new rules and so far they don’t even affect him.  The funny thing is, while I don’t know he has stolen something from me, if I had to guess I would say he has.  And, on top of that, I know he would!

But the big thing with him is that he is friends with the other people…some of which I “know” has been taking things.  While I can’t prove it, I know I’m right.  I would love to be able to catch her.  In fact, there were some things that were left unattended last night when I left work and this morning they were not there.  I’m guessing she took them.  Somebody did and this one person in particular is about the phone one who was there.

One of the things I did figure out between yesterday and today is that I really do need to change my hiring practices.  But the area I am in is really difficult to hire good people – especially for what we pay.  While we don’t pay the absolute minimum, we don’t pay that much above it, either.  But there has got to be something I could do and I think some heads are really going to roll.  I don’t know if this will work but we will just have to sit back and see.

And this might not change anything.  And, some of the things I think people are taking are things I can’t really keep under lock and key.  That truly is the frustrating part.  Actually, that is one of two frustrating parts.  The other is that everyone involved, and who I think “might” be involved are friends.

Some of the new hiring practices are not that “far,” and by fair I mean “legal.”  I don’t want to go there but I really think I might need to.

I think I’ve rambled enough and had a long enough break.  I need to get back and take care of some of the other things I need to get done.  I have a lot of notes I need to make tonight and a lot of sorting through paper in my office that I need to do.  I still have a lot of paperwork…and cleaning…that needs to get done.

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June 4, 2013 – The Start of Something New?

So here’s the thing…I manage people.  That’s my big confession for today.

I know, right?  Can you fucking imagine?  A crazy person who doesn’t like people not only having to deal with people but having to actually manage them, too.

A the moment I’m taking a little break from work – at 8:07P-fucking-M – because I’m catching up on a lot of stuff I need to do…have been wanting to get done for a while.  I’m also doing a lot of work in one particular department because I think they’ve been fucking things up left, right, and center and I’ve got to get a handle on that.  Overall I think they’re doing well but there’s about to be a lot of changes all over the place.

I do have a lot left to do and there’s some important paperwork that I need to create and implement in order for part of the problems I’m trying to fix to remain solved.  It will take a little initial work on my part but I think after that we’ll be okay.  I just hope I get up in time in the morning and still feel like doing crap when I get back tonight.  I was hoping I could go to bed around 9 but clearly that will not happen.  Plus I’m hungry…I need to eat.  I’ll be doing really good to get into bed at 11:30 but at the moment that’s my goal.

There are a few things at work that I would like to get better at.  Lately I’ve been thinking about what I want to do next and if I do stay in this line of work, which I think will be the only way I can continue making the money I’m making…which isn’t much.  The only thing is, if I start doing something else I don’t know that I’ll be able to make as much and this is what I need – at least – to live.  And I don’t live a “nice” life….  Oh well.

Manic?

It is 1:27AM on Wednesday, April 24, 2013.

I think I might start saying when I actually write a post.  Some days, like today, I have been meaning to write a couple but I don’t want to post five entries in one day and then not post anything for the next five or more days.  I mean, I know I’ve said I was going to start writing more often and never do.  But…I really am going to try.

But leave me a comment!  Tell me what YOU would like me to do?  Would you rather me post things as soon as I write them even if it’s five things in one day?  I want to increase my followers and I’m just not sure if that would be a good thing or not.  I mean, I do want what I write to be read so…I’m thinking posting something every day might be good.  Just one post a day.  Then sometimes I might post two things in one day.  And I’m going to tell you now…don’t think I will post something EVERY day.  That just won’t happen.  I don’t think I can do that, especially right now.  And I don’t want to post variations on the same thing every day like “I’m feeling crazy” today.  Eventually that shit will get tired.

Look, this is just a work in progress.  I’m not completely sure what I’m going to do.  I think I’m rambling now.

Anyway.

I’ve wondering if I’m feeling a little manic right now.  Well, it’s not that I’m “feeling” a little manic, I just wonder if at the moment I’m not experiencing a state of mania.  This is why.

I was going to try going to bed earlier.  I had actually crawled into bed with my laptop at about 9:50 today.  (By tonight I so totally mean Tuesday night the 23rd because as far as I’m concerned it’s still Tuesday night because I haven’t sent to sleep yet.)  My plan was to read a few blogs that I found and then call it a night.  I was going to try to go to bed by 10:30 or 11 at the latest and, hopefully, get a good nights sleep.

Last night, Monday night, I did go to bed at midnight but I woke up at 3 with slight heartburn and having to pee.  Then I couldn’t go back to sleep until around 5.  I almost got up and said the hell with it and went to work but then I fell asleep.  Then I let my clock go off at 8, I think, and set it for 8:30 and the next thing I knew it was 9:30 and I should have been at work 30 minutes before I woke up.  That’s normally for me.  That’s something I really need to fucking change!

Anyway, back to tonight.  At almost 10 my boss texts me asking if I’m tried of the way this company does things.  She was trying to find out if I was past the point of no return yet or not.

I don’t really know what she would have done if I had said yes, and I’m not sure if talking to her about it would do any good.  More on that at a later time.

The point is I was somewhere I should not have been at the time she called.  I was supposed to be somewhere else (Vague, right? I know, this part of confusion is intentional but I’m keeping it that way for privacy matters.) so I got out of bed and left the place I should not have been because I didn’t want her calling me.

Anyway, I went back to my office and started doing some work.  I didn’t have anything better to do so I did.  I was going to clean things up a bit because, I swear.  My fucking office looks like a god damn file cabinet exploded in there and all the fucking paper humped like hell and multiplied like mother-fucking rabbits!  I mean it really is a problem.  If you want to talk about being unorganized, that is totally what my office looks like at the moment.

Anyway.  I did a little work and then left.  I came to the Diner where I have been for…at least 2 hours, drinking coffee and working.

Now the good thing is this: I needed to get this work done.  I needed a little extra time in my day.  Especially since I didn’t come into work today until 11 and I left around…hell, I don’t remember.  I think around 7 or 7:30, but still.  I have a lot I need to do.  It’s not like I went to work on time on Monday, either.  And I sure didn’t work past 6 because I had another date.  Did I write about that yet?  I don’t remember.  I did.  I think.  I think I went to the Coffee House and wrote about it today while I was on “lunch.”  Or was that yesterday.  See, I just can’t keep shit straight.  No, I know the answer to this, it’s an open book test.  I have the blog right in front of me so let me look.

Yes, it was today that I wrote about that…good for me.  So anyway.

The downside to this is that it is 2AM right now and I should be sleeping.  I do not do well getting up early, any day.  Especially on the days that I didn’t get much sleep!  I mean it’s nothing for me to sleep for 10 hours so getting only 4 or 5 hours just isn’t good for me.  Not to mention then I get really tired during the day and afternoon.

So back to right now.  I don’t know if this is mania or if I’m just concentrating and being productive.  What’s the difference?  How do you know what’s what? (I should totally look into that and write about it later.)

I know I have a problem concentrating.  And it’s usually late at night, I think, when I really can concentrate and get things done.  I mean sometimes at night and can go at it for a few hours on end and not be interrupted.  But most of the time, anytime, I will start something and then immediately get sidetracked.

The internet is the worst thing.  I can sit down to write and then end up going to YouTube or Amazon and looking at things and the next thing I know it’s 3 hours later and I’m halfway around the internet.  Then I end up getting tired or running out of time and I don’t write anything.  And the whole reason I sat down in the first place was to write something…or do something else that I just end of not doing.

But I’ve experienced this feeling before.  It’s almost like when I used to smoke pot.

Now I never smoked an illegal drug, but if I had this is how it made me feel.

I would go on and on and on talking for, what seemed like, hours on the stupidest subject.  I could go on endlessly about the way a blade of grass looked.  It was a very hard concentration.  I do wish I could get that feeling when I’m working during the day.  I would be much more productive if I could.

I’ve thought about looking into seeing if my doctor would put me on something for ADD because I REALLY think I have it.  I think I would be better at work if I took something like Adderall.  I don’t know.

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More Work Bullshit

I have a whole category on this blog for work related content.  I haven’t written much about that.  Since I started this blog I haven’t had much workplace bullshit to deal with, but I do have quite a few stories I could tell.  I don’t know if I will ever use this blog to talk about some of that old stuff.  One reason is I just don’t like to think about it because it stresses me out and I don’t like being stressed out.  I certainly don’t like thinking about old history that stressed me out at the time so I can get stressed out all over again.  Stress will kill you.

I just found out I have more fucking stress to deal with at work.

I’m the boss of my department, but of course I have a boss, too.  One of the reasons she is there is so I can bounce things off of (her own words).  She is also there so I can ask questions so I don’t make a mistake.  I did that today and in doing so I think I opened up a whole new can or worms.  I want to scream and curse and run away now and throw up my hands and just say fuck it!

Let me say this first: I am passive-aggressive.  As much as I may not want that to be true, it is.

Tomorrow my boss will be paying me a visit.  She knows when I clean out my office, I’m missed and thinking about quitting.  I’ve done it before.  This is not the first time I’ve done this; I used to do it when I worked for my last company (which was the first company that I ever had an office to clean out).

While I was discussing this issue on the phone with her today, after she told me about where she’s standing, I let her know her thinking is a mistake and I was pissed about it.  If I stand idly by and allow her to get her way on this, which I will have no other choice but to do if I can’t talk her out of it, it will be, by far, the biggest, most egregious mistake I have ever made in my career.  I feel so strongly about this that, if I had the money to life for a while without a job, I would quit over this one issue if she makes the decision I’m thinking she might make…the decision she’s leaning toward.  Since I can’t afford to quit over this, it would certainly make me thinking about finding another job.

I won’t go into detail on what exactly happen to cause all this, but two people were involved, as far as my boss is concerned.  In my opinion, only one employee was actually in the wrong.  I was going to write up the employee who I thought was in the wrong and I sent the paperwork to my boss for review to make sure I could legally enact the particular punishment I was calling for.  My boss says, because our reputation was somewhat involved, this is grounds for termination but she did not feel you could terminate one without terminating both.

It is true that I think this particular employee, the one who actually did the wrong, needs to be fired.  I don’t, however, feel we should sacrifice one person, who happens to be one of the best employees, for the greater good.

We have been going through a bit of a reputation crisis lately, which I am trying to fix.  That, I think, is the biggest reason my boss is so upset about this particular incident because it did nothing to help that matter.  Boss feels like had Good Employee not allowed this particular incident to happen Bad Employee would haven’t have been able to do what she did.  My point is I am the only enforcing entity here so it was not Good Employee’s problem to stop this particular incident.  I just didn’t know about it at the time so I couldn’t have stopped it.

We will see how this all turns out.

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