Fun Times – NOT

Several days ago I wrote a blog saying I was feeling wounded and depressed.  I’ve been sort of working on a post about how I have been feeling defeated…which I haven’t finished yet.  Well, now I’m really beginning to feel defeated.

As if I didn’t think my problems could get worse…turns out I really didn’t know what I was thinking.  Worse has happen.  (Although the major bad I thought might happen…hasn’t yet or I haven’t found out about it.)

I have 2 cars.  One has been broken for a couple of months now because it is going to cost over a thousand dollars to fix and I don’t have that kind of money right now.  Now the second car I have is also broken.  And unless it can be “rigged,” its fate is sealed.  It has a problem with the wiring harness which…would cost about $2,000 to fix.  I certainly don’t have that kind of money.  Not to mention, I only paid $5,000 for the car six years ago.

So now I’m broke, I have to wait until tomorrow to see if someone can come and splice the wires to bypass the broken plug.

Fun times!

Weekend for the Wounded


stress (Photo credit: giuseppesavo)

I’ve been especially melancholy and morose lately.  I thought I had great expectations for this weekend; I usually do.  Instead I spent the weekend, a little bit of Saturday and Sunday, nursing my wounded soul.  I don’t have an especially good reason to be wounded, just my life in general.

I’ve been so wounded because I maybe have some very bad news, or a bad circumstance, coming down the pike but I won’t know until later.  How much later, I don’t exactly know.  I should know part of the news by the end of this coming week.  The rest of the news, part two of the news, I’ll find out when I decided to fully investigate the situation.  I have yet to build the courage to do that.  I don’t know when I will.  I might at the end of the week, we will see.

I’m in the process of writing about some of this.  It is a very trying thing for me to do.  Actually everything as of late has been trying.  I do want to get a few things off my chest.  Why, I don’t know.  Somehow, this will be my therapy.  I will find a way to overcome all of this.  It is just obstacles.  Obstacles I have put in my own way.

My goal for this week is to be very productive.  To try to pull myself out of this melancholy spirit.  Only I am too afraid if the pendulum swings in the direction of which I fear I will only be knocked for a loop that will be all but impossible for my chemically imbalanced brain to conquer.


Part of the Painting Bathers at San Niccolo

Part of the Painting Bathers at San Niccolo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


The other day I was joking with a friend I work with that I was becoming a whore.  According to the dictionary, a whore is a man or woman who engages in sexual acts for money.  While I still consider that I am, kind of, becoming a whore, I am not engaging in sexual acts for money.  Although, I would actually like to write a little about that later.

So it’s the 4th of July and I have been talking to people online trying to find someone to sleep with.  Well, I guess “sleep with” isn’t exactly the correct phase.  Really, I’ve just been trying to find someone to fuck.

You see, when I was younger I didn’t sleep around.  I have actually gone years…with a fucking ‘s’…without having sex.  When I was in my early 20s I didn’t have a boyfriend but I also didn’t get out much.  I worked, not that I have any money to show for that now, and stayed home.  I was very self-conscious and afraid of the way I looked.  I was afraid of how other people thought I looked.  Even though, I wasn’t as fat then as I am now.

But I guess now I’m a little more…okay…with the way I look.  Plus I have the internet which means it’s a little easier.  You don’t have to leave your home to find someone to hook-up with, and you don’t have to deal with the face-to-face rejection of being told “hell no!”  I like that.

We’ve all heard how guys can have sex with a lot of different women and they are just thought of as “normal” and “macho.”  Women, on the other hand, are thought of as sluts.  It’s a double standard.

I’ve also heard, and really do believe, that if women would let men, they would be having a lot more sex and with a lot more partners than they actually do.  With gay men, there’s no women to stop them.  They want to get laid.  They like to get laid.  They like sex.  They just find someone and do it.  Good, bad, or whatever, they do it.  And as long as you play safe, I don’t really see what’s so bad about this.

Now, even when you do play safe there could still be unwanted consequences.  That is the part that scares me and it’s the same reason that I do keep my paints on more than I take them off.  Even if lately I’ve been trying to take my pants off a lot.  And I haven’t been all together unsuccessful.

So judge me if you want, won’t be the first time…won’t be the last time, but that’s the way it is.

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Craigslist showed me What I Should Do

Craigslist showed me What I Should Do



craigslist (Photo credit: Chika)

Sometimes I like to go on Craigslist because you really can buy everything, including the kitchen sink, on that site.  And I’m completely okay with occasionally getting this used.  Things I’m sort of not really but kind of looking for right now: a piano, a cello, a clarinet, a saxophone, a guitar for my dad, a home, a roommate, a new (to me) camera, a Mac, an iPad, and something else I don’t even know I want right now.


So I decided to look at the homes and apartments for rent because I recently talked to a guy who has what I think is a really nice house that he did not go through a realtor to get.  I am slowly thinking about moving to the city I’ve been working in for 5 years because I’m getting tired of the hour commute (total) each day.  Actually, I am getting tired of the time but what I’m really getting tired of is the gas money I’m having to shell out.  What gas was a little higher I was paying enough that I could just pay rent in town.


I’ve always wondered how people in roughly my income bracket can afford to live in a nice home by themselves.  Though, I don’t really know how much those homes are.  Looking at Craigslist I found, at least where I live, some pretty decent homes for…well…prices I can’t exactly afford right now, but it is possible.  I mean, it’s not completely out of the question.  It would be best if I had a roommate, but getting a little higher salary would help, too.


So, that’swhat I need to work on: higher salary!


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