Going a little Crazy

Sometimes I just feel like I’m going crazy.  Today is one of those days.  I feel like running away from home.  I need a vacation, really.  I’d like a week away, with no phone, in a hotel room, with just me, my computer, an internet connection, and a few good books.  In a city I’ve never been before where nobody knows me.

I also have some updating to do…maybe I’ll do that tonight.  Or hell, I’ll do it right now.

My sister’s visit:

It actually went quite well.  I only wanted to strangler her 3 times, and all three of those times were probably just because I was over reacting.  Something I am known to occasionally do.  I know everyone would find that hard to believe.

I think I might try to keep in touch with her and see if we can’t get a good relationship started.

The work issue:

They didn’t get ride of the wrong person.  They only got rid of the problem maker.  I hear she was very, very pissed when she found out she was being let go and she kind of told off the boss a little.  Smart move, always.  I think she never thought she would be getting in trouble over this…she just thought she could start some shit and it wouldn’t splatter on her.  She was wrong.

Other than that, I think I’m done for now.

More thoughts before bed

At first I was just going to write a couple of different posts but since it is 1:27 in the morning and I have to get up at 5 so I can get to work by 7 in the morning to prepare for a meeting I have decided I would just include everything in a very quick update.  There are some things I need to say.

First, the work issue:

I have decided that I feel strongly enough about this that if we have to get rid of Good Employee I will start looking for another job.  I will take this as a sign that it is time to move on.  There are some possible difficulties in this, but I will discuss all of those later.  Even though I would like to quit immediately on moral grounds, I can not afford to.  And I also cannot afford to make a rash decision about my employment.  But I will take this as a sign that, considering all the other legitimate problems I have with this company, it is time for me to start looking for something else.

I hate to have to do that because I have finally gotten to a position, mentally, where my job is concerned that I am happy and did not have any plans on moving on any time soon.  I finally got to a point where I was happy and planned on staying with this company for a very long time.  I hate to see that go, but I will if this decision does not work out the way I want it to and then it should, morally.

Second, my sister:

A few weeks ago I found on iTunes a podcast called The Mental Illness Happy Hour.  As I was coming home from work tonight, thinking about tomorrow’s visit with my sister, I was listening to an episode of the podcast and had quite the ah-ha moment.  I had an epiphany of why, exactly, I have been so angry at my sister and why I am still angry at her and afraid of her saying something about me being gay.  And the real epiphany is that the one particular thing she said a long time ago, which I was very angry about because I knew was not true, might actually be true.  I am still angry about that one thing and that is the reason I had in my mind that I would not give her any kind of break if she said something wrong to me.  I had made the decision that if she pissed me off I was going to let her have it with both barrels, because I’m still pissed about that one thing she said so long ago…almost 20 years ago.

But then I realized, she might be right.

So when I got home I emailed the guy, Paul, who does the podcasts just to say thank you and that he helped me.  I went into a tiny bit of detail about the situation but didn’t write much because it’s so late.  I do want to write more to him, even if he never has a chance to read it, because, as I’ve said before, writing is a form of therapy for me.  (Turns out I need it more than I thought I did.)

I haven’t decided if I will post a copy of that email on my blog because it goes into more detail than I might want to put on here…I haven’t decided yet, we’ll see.  But I did want to say that I think I have figured out why I am – or was – so pissed and now hopefully it won’t be so bad.

It’s bedtime now.  Maybe now I can sleep better…but not for long because I still need to iron my clothes and it’s 1:44 in the morning and I have to get up in about 3 or 3 1/2 hours and…shit.

More Work Bullshit

I have a whole category on this blog for work related content.  I haven’t written much about that.  Since I started this blog I haven’t had much workplace bullshit to deal with, but I do have quite a few stories I could tell.  I don’t know if I will ever use this blog to talk about some of that old stuff.  One reason is I just don’t like to think about it because it stresses me out and I don’t like being stressed out.  I certainly don’t like thinking about old history that stressed me out at the time so I can get stressed out all over again.  Stress will kill you.

I just found out I have more fucking stress to deal with at work.

I’m the boss of my department, but of course I have a boss, too.  One of the reasons she is there is so I can bounce things off of (her own words).  She is also there so I can ask questions so I don’t make a mistake.  I did that today and in doing so I think I opened up a whole new can or worms.  I want to scream and curse and run away now and throw up my hands and just say fuck it!

Let me say this first: I am passive-aggressive.  As much as I may not want that to be true, it is.

Tomorrow my boss will be paying me a visit.  She knows when I clean out my office, I’m missed and thinking about quitting.  I’ve done it before.  This is not the first time I’ve done this; I used to do it when I worked for my last company (which was the first company that I ever had an office to clean out).

While I was discussing this issue on the phone with her today, after she told me about where she’s standing, I let her know her thinking is a mistake and I was pissed about it.  If I stand idly by and allow her to get her way on this, which I will have no other choice but to do if I can’t talk her out of it, it will be, by far, the biggest, most egregious mistake I have ever made in my career.  I feel so strongly about this that, if I had the money to life for a while without a job, I would quit over this one issue if she makes the decision I’m thinking she might make…the decision she’s leaning toward.  Since I can’t afford to quit over this, it would certainly make me thinking about finding another job.

I won’t go into detail on what exactly happen to cause all this, but two people were involved, as far as my boss is concerned.  In my opinion, only one employee was actually in the wrong.  I was going to write up the employee who I thought was in the wrong and I sent the paperwork to my boss for review to make sure I could legally enact the particular punishment I was calling for.  My boss says, because our reputation was somewhat involved, this is grounds for termination but she did not feel you could terminate one without terminating both.

It is true that I think this particular employee, the one who actually did the wrong, needs to be fired.  I don’t, however, feel we should sacrifice one person, who happens to be one of the best employees, for the greater good.

We have been going through a bit of a reputation crisis lately, which I am trying to fix.  That, I think, is the biggest reason my boss is so upset about this particular incident because it did nothing to help that matter.  Boss feels like had Good Employee not allowed this particular incident to happen Bad Employee would haven’t have been able to do what she did.  My point is I am the only enforcing entity here so it was not Good Employee’s problem to stop this particular incident.  I just didn’t know about it at the time so I couldn’t have stopped it.

We will see how this all turns out.

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Fuck me…fuck me now…my sister is coming to town.

You know how you have some people in your lives who are just a little more difficult to handle and deal with than others?  And some of those people just require more energy to deal with than you sometimes have.  Well, that’s how I feel about my sister.  And right now I just don’t feel like I have the energy to deal with her…or her teenage daughter she is brining.

I’ve known for almost a month, at least 3 weeks, that she was coming to town.  She’s not saying with us, she is only staying overnight at a hotel and will spend the morning with us.  This visit will make the second time we have seen her in 10 years.  She lives across the country, has been living there for the last 5ish years, I think.  We haven’t made an effort to go see her, either, because neither one of us can afford to fly out there.  I’m not sure how often she has been back to see her son, who lives about 5 hours from us.

But there is some…history…between her, me, and my father.  This is the main reason I haven’t dealt with her.  Not to mention she’s a big Mormon and I’m sure can’t be in love with the whole gay thing.  For the past few days all I have been able to think about is the fact that she’s coming and I don’t know how this is going to go.  I’m hoping it doesn’t set off World War 3, but I’m also not going to keep my mouth shut if she does say something stupid.

She will be getting to town tonight and I don’t know if I will see her tonight or in the morning.  I should find out shortly.

I’ve been thinking about going to her Facebook page an see if she has said anything stupid about gays.  If she has, that will really make me pissed going into this whole visit.  If she hasn’t, well, so she hasn’t put anything on Facebook about it.  I’m still sure she feels the same.  She’s a “Christian” and she hates gays.  End of story.

I don’t “need” her in my life.  I’ll write more about this later.

Now let’s talk about the daughter: she is just like her mother and will not shut up.  Granted, I haven’t seen her since she was…crawling on the fucking floor.  (Which, I’ll just quickly add, my cat at the time did not like her.)

The 16 Year-Old New Car

So I bought a new car.  By new I mean it’s 16 years old but new to me.

I have a 2000 Chevy Cavalier which I really like.  I bought it back when I was going to school.  The day I bought it I got fired from my job and it is the first car I bought and paid for without letting it get repossessed first.  I’ve never been able to make a car payment on time.  This is one of the many reasons I think I’m an absolute loser, and one of the reason that I think suicide is just a backup plan, but I will save that little gem for another day.

I kept the Cavalier but bought a 2006 Sonata because I wanted something bigger and nicer.  It isn’t very often – only once since I bought the car, and it was broken then so I couldn’t use it – that I travel with other people but I always like to be the driver.  I’m not often a good passenger and I think part of it is because I’m a minor control freak.  Also, I deal with a lot of business people in my line of work and I didn’t want to be seen driving a bottom of the line car.  It also didn’t have AC…I had been needing to fix that for over 50,000 miles.  (I drive about 30,000 miles a year.)

So I was desperate for a car and decided to put $800 down on the Sonata, and take on a $350 a month car payment instead of spending $1,000 to get the AC fixed in my car.  I could afford to put the $800 down that day, but couldn’t afford the additional $200.  I wanted AC like, yesterday, because that year it was hot as fuck!

As soon as I got into the car I liked it because it was nicer, quieter, and prettier than the Chevy.  Plus, it had an AC that would blow you out of the car!  It rode really well and was comfortable.  It was the only car on the lot that was only $800 down, so I took it.  I almost didn’t try getting the car because he told me it wasn’t a buy here, pay here lot and I didn’t think I would be able to go through a bank for financing.  It turns out I was approved because the finance company was just for high-risk buyers.  That fact made the like the car even more because they did report to the credit agencies and I would be able to build my credit.  Actually, that made the love the car.  After thinking about it a little while it was the only reason I bought the car because I didn’t “love it,” but I liked it.

Well, turns out the car was a piece of crap.  Or it still is, I still have it but I’m thinking I’m going to call the finance company and tell them to pick it up.  This is why….

For the last 4 months I’ve been driving the Chevy again because the Sonata is messed up.  Just to get it running again I need to spend at least $1,000.  And that grand doesn’t even guarantee that it will be drivable.  That grand is just for the two things I know is wrong with it.  On top of the fact that the Chevy isn’t running reliably, I was up shit creek!

My dad and the annoying-ass neighbor insisted they could fix the Chevy without having to take it to the shop and have it put on the diagnostic computer.  In doing so, they fucked up the wiring harness which is over $2,000 to have replaced.  The harness itself is $800 and that doesn’t include the labor to have the dash completely taken out!  Otherwise, the car is doing ok which really pisses me off because nothing is really wrong with the car.  I’m not sure it would take me across country, but considering I drive about 30,000 miles a year it has been doing just fine for a while.  This particular neighbor is really getting on my nerves but maybe I will talk about that later.

So considering everything else I need to get straight – financially – I think the best thing to do right now would be to let the Sonata go.  I can always save up a better down payment and go through another high-risk finance company later when I finances are better in order.  I do have quite a few important things that I need to get taken care of right now and I think I might be about to get garnished because of my student loans.  That’s what I was thinking about when I wrote this post.  I hate to do it because right now that car is the best thing on my credit – that is before I let it get almost 3 months behind.

It’s just that my financial life is catching up with me right now and I think this is the only option.  The car I just bought is only $200 a month and $2,500 from now I’ll have it paid off.  Even though I know I’ll still have to probably pay 2 or 3 grand for the Sonata after it is resold.  (Hopefully they don’t just junk it and charge me the whole price for it!)

My Life is a Hot Mess – Driver’s License Issue – The Finale

My Life is a Hot Mess – Driver’s License Issue – Part 1

My Life is a Hot Mess – Driver’s License Issue – Part 2

My Life is a Hot Mess – Driver’s License Issue – Part 3

My Life is a Hot Mess – Driver’s License Issue – Part 4 – Before Bed Thoughts


So I finally got my license.

Proper Driver's Licence

Proper Driver’s Licence (Photo credit: Noeluap)

First thing Thursday morning we went to the court house – to the probate court – to get a copy of my birth certificate and my ticket release letter.  When she went to look for the birth certificate she came back saying “have you ever had a birth certificate?”

“Yes, when I was born.”

“I mean, have you ever seen it?”

“Yes, why?” I asked.

“Because I can’t find it.”

I just looked dazed.  I didn’t know what to do or think.  “You have got to be fucking kidding” is really what I was thinking.  Then she starts asking me is this really how everything was slept?  Am I sure my last name was not my mothers last name, or maiden name?

Hell know it wasn’t!  Well, I mean yes, my mother did have the same last name as me.  I mean my parents were fucking married! lady!  My parents never got a divorce!  My parents would still be married had my mom not died!  What the fuck do you mean you can’t find my birth certificate?  What in gods name am I supposed to do now?  WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

Again, I didn’t say all that but I was certainly thinking it.  She went back and looked again.

While she was gone I did say to my dad “you have got to be fucking kidding me.”  I was thinking if she came back and said she couldn’t find it I was just going to tell her to have me arrested now because I’m about to go outside and start driving my car without a fucking license and just say “FUCK IT!”

She came back and as she was walking back to the counter she yelled “I found it.”

Thank god!

And as I was sitting there waiting for the birth certificate I was wondering if I was going to have to show ID for my release letter.  Thankfully I didn’t.

Then it was off to the DMV, which I believe is now called DDS: Department of Driver Safety.  Whatever.

While I was waiting in the court house they had a new pamphlet telling you what would be needed to get a DL.  According to that, I had everything so I didn’t think there would be a problem.

When we got to the DMV/DDS there was a friendly, older, African-American lady working the desk and running things!  I liked her.  She asked “what are you here for?”

“To get a license” I replied.

“Come on up, please” she said.

Then she listed off things, reasons, like renewal, blah, blah, reinstatement, blah, blah, blah.

“Um, suspended” I chocked.  She was talking loud enough everyone in the room could hear us.  I felt like a fucking criminal when I had to say they were suspended.

“That would be a reinstatement.  Take these papers, put all of your need documents on the top of this clipboard, out of your little folder, and come back when you number is called.”

I should have said “it was just because I forgot to pay a traffic ticket, it’s not because I’m some damn drunk-driving criminal!”  Though I didn’t say anything, other than “okay.”

But it turns out I did have everything I needed so it wasn’t painful at all.

But I do know this other ticket I have, I will be paying that mother-fucker on goddamn time so I don’t have to go through this bullshit again and I don’t DOUBLE the fucking cost of the ticket!  And I’m hoping that ticket doesn’t cost $200 damn dollars…but there’s no telling.  I should be able to call up there now and find out.  They said 2 weeks but I may as well call now and get an idea.  She should at least have an idea of what it will cost.

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Some Before Bed Thoughts

I don’t own the image, I found it with a Google Image search.


It’s 1:37 in the morning, Tuesday morning, and I’m about to go to bed.  Today hasn’t been very productive at work

because my mind as been preoccupied with the hold Driver’s License fiasco.  I’m hoping tomorrow will be much better as I have a lot of work today…especially considering I’m planning on taking Thursday off so I can get all this crap taken care of and HOPEFULLY have my fucking driver’s license so I can drive the car I just bought.  I really hope like hell the car is a good one and doesn’t cause I a lot of problems.  We’ll be taking it out of town on Thursday so I certainly hope the damn thing doesn’t break down!

All in all, while this is costing me a lot of money I don’t have to spend right now, it could have been much worse.  (Although I don’t want to say much on this as I’m still going to be driving “some,” and this could still end very badly.)

I could have been pulled over the other night and arrested.  That’s a call I really would not have wanted to make to my dad.  In fact, I almost called him to tell him he might need to come and get me because I really did think I was going to go to jail that night.  I really don’t want to go to jail.  I’m not that kind of person.

Today when I ran to the bank, I really was scared to drive because I knew I would most likely go to jail if I were caught in the city I work in.  Maybe not, but I don’t know.  And I’m really thinking it would be worse if I get pulled over again because now I can’t fake the “oops, I forgot” thing.  Speaking of, I was supposed to get a faxed confirmation that the ticket was paid today and I didn’t.  Guess I’m going to have to call about that tomorrow.

As for calling my dad to tell him I needed his help getting my birth certificate, I didn’t want to make that call either.  But he didn’t seem annoyed, just laughed at my strange luck as of late.  I hope he doesn’t do the whole “lecture” thing when we go out of town.  I’ll be stuck in the car with him all day.  AND he will be driving, which I really don’t like.  It’s not his driving, I just don’t like being the passenger.  Maybe I can find an audio book at home and we can listen to that in the car so I don’t have to hear him talk.  Not that that would stop him if he did want to give me the “get your crap together” lecture.  Maybe I can distract him by playing an audio book and I can get some writing or other work done while we’re in the car.

I’m rambling right now so I’m just going to go to bed.

This is the most I’ve written in this blog in one day but I that’s what it’s for, anyway.  This is supposed to be like an online journal that I just happen to share with people.  Maybe someone will find it…helpful, entertaining, whatever.  Hopefully.