Prozac Time

I initially started writing this on Friday.  It is now Saturday.  I’m still going to post this but I will first finish it with the now necessary updates.  I think it is very telling.

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Friday

I didn’t take my Prozac this morning, and I didn’t take it yesterday…and I can’t recall if I took it the day before that or not.

Fluoxetine HCl 20mg Capsules (Prozac) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What I do know, however, is that I’m said right now.

I’m not sure if it is because I don’t have anything to do tonight…or anyone to do it with.  Or if I am just really feeling down because of the chemical imbalance in my brain, or what.  I don’t know.  I just know this moment isn’t a great moment.  It hasn’t been all afternoon.  I’m not sure if it started before or after he told me he had plans and wouldn’t be able to do anything.  I was hoping we could get together.  I was hoping I could see him.  I was hoping I would finally get to kiss him.

What I do know, is that I wish I had taken the pills earlier.  I did finally take them around 6 or 7 tonight when I was leaving work.  I just wish I had taken them earlier.

I wish I wouldn’t wait to take them.  I wish I would take them every day like I’m supposed to.

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Sunday

Later that night, around 12:30 on Saturday morning but really to me it was still Friday night, he called me.  Or texted me.

He told me he was leaving the party and wanted to know where I was and if I wanted to get together.  I told him where I was and that he could come over…I’d love to get together.  Instantly I was no longer in a downer of a mood.

He came over and wanted me to get in the car; I did.

We went driving and he had two 40s in his car.  Well, now I had never:

1. Drank a 40.

2. Gone drinking in riding.

3. Never been in the car while they were drinking and driving.

But I thought there’s always a first for everything so I soon loosened up and went along with the ride.  He said I had to drink the 40 before we went back to my place.

Actually, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds.  He said if I was uncomfortable – because I’m sure he could tell I was less than ecstatic about the plans – we could go back.  It was actually kind of fun.  Not what I would think to do, but it was okay.  He even let me know this was a “date.”  More on that will come in a different post.

We ended up spending the night together.  But the point of this was that I guess sometimes I’m sad because I have nothing better to do.

Well, let me rephrase that: maybe I’m sometimes sad because I really am “lonely.”

I do live a solitary life.  That is something that bothers me.

So that is all for now.  I have  a lot more writing I hope to get done today because I want to catch you up and tell you the story of J – the guy I have been seeing/talking to.

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Manic?

It is 1:27AM on Wednesday, April 24, 2013.

I think I might start saying when I actually write a post.  Some days, like today, I have been meaning to write a couple but I don’t want to post five entries in one day and then not post anything for the next five or more days.  I mean, I know I’ve said I was going to start writing more often and never do.  But…I really am going to try.

But leave me a comment!  Tell me what YOU would like me to do?  Would you rather me post things as soon as I write them even if it’s five things in one day?  I want to increase my followers and I’m just not sure if that would be a good thing or not.  I mean, I do want what I write to be read so…I’m thinking posting something every day might be good.  Just one post a day.  Then sometimes I might post two things in one day.  And I’m going to tell you now…don’t think I will post something EVERY day.  That just won’t happen.  I don’t think I can do that, especially right now.  And I don’t want to post variations on the same thing every day like “I’m feeling crazy” today.  Eventually that shit will get tired.

Look, this is just a work in progress.  I’m not completely sure what I’m going to do.  I think I’m rambling now.

Anyway.

I’ve wondering if I’m feeling a little manic right now.  Well, it’s not that I’m “feeling” a little manic, I just wonder if at the moment I’m not experiencing a state of mania.  This is why.

I was going to try going to bed earlier.  I had actually crawled into bed with my laptop at about 9:50 today.  (By tonight I so totally mean Tuesday night the 23rd because as far as I’m concerned it’s still Tuesday night because I haven’t sent to sleep yet.)  My plan was to read a few blogs that I found and then call it a night.  I was going to try to go to bed by 10:30 or 11 at the latest and, hopefully, get a good nights sleep.

Last night, Monday night, I did go to bed at midnight but I woke up at 3 with slight heartburn and having to pee.  Then I couldn’t go back to sleep until around 5.  I almost got up and said the hell with it and went to work but then I fell asleep.  Then I let my clock go off at 8, I think, and set it for 8:30 and the next thing I knew it was 9:30 and I should have been at work 30 minutes before I woke up.  That’s normally for me.  That’s something I really need to fucking change!

Anyway, back to tonight.  At almost 10 my boss texts me asking if I’m tried of the way this company does things.  She was trying to find out if I was past the point of no return yet or not.

I don’t really know what she would have done if I had said yes, and I’m not sure if talking to her about it would do any good.  More on that at a later time.

The point is I was somewhere I should not have been at the time she called.  I was supposed to be somewhere else (Vague, right? I know, this part of confusion is intentional but I’m keeping it that way for privacy matters.) so I got out of bed and left the place I should not have been because I didn’t want her calling me.

Anyway, I went back to my office and started doing some work.  I didn’t have anything better to do so I did.  I was going to clean things up a bit because, I swear.  My fucking office looks like a god damn file cabinet exploded in there and all the fucking paper humped like hell and multiplied like mother-fucking rabbits!  I mean it really is a problem.  If you want to talk about being unorganized, that is totally what my office looks like at the moment.

Anyway.  I did a little work and then left.  I came to the Diner where I have been for…at least 2 hours, drinking coffee and working.

Now the good thing is this: I needed to get this work done.  I needed a little extra time in my day.  Especially since I didn’t come into work today until 11 and I left around…hell, I don’t remember.  I think around 7 or 7:30, but still.  I have a lot I need to do.  It’s not like I went to work on time on Monday, either.  And I sure didn’t work past 6 because I had another date.  Did I write about that yet?  I don’t remember.  I did.  I think.  I think I went to the Coffee House and wrote about it today while I was on “lunch.”  Or was that yesterday.  See, I just can’t keep shit straight.  No, I know the answer to this, it’s an open book test.  I have the blog right in front of me so let me look.

Yes, it was today that I wrote about that…good for me.  So anyway.

The downside to this is that it is 2AM right now and I should be sleeping.  I do not do well getting up early, any day.  Especially on the days that I didn’t get much sleep!  I mean it’s nothing for me to sleep for 10 hours so getting only 4 or 5 hours just isn’t good for me.  Not to mention then I get really tired during the day and afternoon.

So back to right now.  I don’t know if this is mania or if I’m just concentrating and being productive.  What’s the difference?  How do you know what’s what? (I should totally look into that and write about it later.)

I know I have a problem concentrating.  And it’s usually late at night, I think, when I really can concentrate and get things done.  I mean sometimes at night and can go at it for a few hours on end and not be interrupted.  But most of the time, anytime, I will start something and then immediately get sidetracked.

The internet is the worst thing.  I can sit down to write and then end up going to YouTube or Amazon and looking at things and the next thing I know it’s 3 hours later and I’m halfway around the internet.  Then I end up getting tired or running out of time and I don’t write anything.  And the whole reason I sat down in the first place was to write something…or do something else that I just end of not doing.

But I’ve experienced this feeling before.  It’s almost like when I used to smoke pot.

Now I never smoked an illegal drug, but if I had this is how it made me feel.

I would go on and on and on talking for, what seemed like, hours on the stupidest subject.  I could go on endlessly about the way a blade of grass looked.  It was a very hard concentration.  I do wish I could get that feeling when I’m working during the day.  I would be much more productive if I could.

I’ve thought about looking into seeing if my doctor would put me on something for ADD because I REALLY think I have it.  I think I would be better at work if I took something like Adderall.  I don’t know.

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Dating

So I’ve gone on a date!

I meet this guy online, on a website that is mainly used for hooking up.  Actually, when the site first came out that IS all it was used for.  Now they have a “networking” option…you can put on your profile that you are looking to “network” which I think is total bullshit because who…and mean…what the fuck!

Anyway.

I saw him and even looked at his profile but thought I wouldn’t have a snowballs chance in hell with him so I didn’t send him a message.  And day later, I think, I got a funny little message from him that was a joke on what I had written in my profile.  I thought, good!

Damn there’s a crying fucking baby in the cafe right now that really needs to be taken out!

Back to my story….

So we talked online for a few hours over a few days and then we even talked on the phone for 4 hours one night.

The next day we meet at a cafe for coffee and stayed there talking for like 3 hours.  Then he said he was going home because he was tired but I found out later he went to his friends house.  I though…?… but I didn’t say anything.  Then I didn’t really think about it anymore.

We talked for about an hour that night, I think, then yesterday we meet for drinks.  We hung out for about 5 hours.  We haven’t had sex yet, which I’m fine with, but that might be the problem.

I really don’t know what he’s thinking but I think I could really like him.  He seems okay.  There are a couple issues I don’t like but I think the problem we might have is that he’s a bottom, too!  So am I!

I never, in a million fucking years, would have guessed that he was a bottom.  I thought he was a top.  I mean, I know this is stereotyping, but let’s look at a few facts, shall we!

1.  He used to be MARRIED!  And NOT to a man…to a WOMAN!

They got married because, according to his story, after only having sex three times they got pregnant.  That sucks.  So they were married for a little while – I don’t know how long – but divorced after they lost the child about…3 weeks after it was born, I think he said.

I asked him what his life would have been like now had the baby not died.  He said nothing would be different except half his check would be going to her to help support the baby.  I was wondering if he would still be married because he sounded like the sex wasn’t a huge problem but they also didn’t have much of it.  I don’t know.  I wouldn’t mind pressing a little more into that subject because I do find it a bit interesting.

I mean, I can’t relate to that…and I told him as much.  But I can’t relate to that becuase while he might be somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale, I’m a firm fucking 6!  I’m gay.  I mean GAY gay!  And I like that.

And, on a quick side-note  he wanted to see how I would act if I got drunk and last night he succeeded in finding out.  I asked him what he thought but I never got a good answer.  I was wondering if I should text him today or leave him alone but just now, as I’m writing this, I think I will text him to see if I can get a better answer out of him.  And I’m curious if he wants to talk today.

I mean, this is a problem I have with dating: I don’t know what the fuck to do!?!  My new friend from the cafe is out of town this week so I can’t even ask her.  I certainly can’t ask my Old Friend…that’s her name, by the way, Old Friend.  I’ll be writing about her later but haven’t gotten around to it yet.  Maybe later tonight.

P.S.: I texted him and he texted back and said “Haha.  He was okay.  It was fun.”  I retexted him and said “”Okay.”  Bite Me.”

What?!?  I’m just “okay!?!?”  Fuck you.  Anyway.

I really don’t know where this is going.  I wouldn’t mind being friends with him at the least, but then again I don’t know if I have the energy to do that right now.  I mean, I do really need someone to date.  I need a relationship.  I think I might be entering desperate territory and that’s not a good thing.  I really know that’s not a good thing!  I don’t want to be that person and I don’t want to settle for someone but then I was thinking, “I’m not really the person whom anyone good would want to date.”  That is something I need to think about and write about later.

I need to go now.  I need to go back to work.  I just wanted to make a quick post and tell you what I was doing right now.  What happen.  I’ll talk more about the trip I was going to take, later.

P.P.S.: He texted back saying “Boo.  You read in to that negatively. :-p”

We will just have to ride the ride and see where this goes.

 

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A Little Housekeeping on God

So I saw something that made me want to make a little “housekeeping” note.  I wanted to say something about my blog and the followers of my blog.

First and foremost, I must say this: I am very thankful to everyone who follows and reads my blog.  When I say “follows,” I’m assuming those people actually read the words I wrote.  All of them.  And I would love for more people to comment.  I don’t get a lot of comments but I also know I’m not, yet, known for posting on a regular basis.  That is something I’m going to try very hard to start doing.  I think it would both help me increase my followers and readers, but it would also help me.  It would help me by getting some of this stuff out.

Surprisingly, and I think this isn’t something that is unique to me, it helps to write this stuff down.  To journal.  This blog is basically my journal.  I used to keep one on my computer, before that I used to keep on my pad and paper, and I never knew why.  I always thought maybe I would go back later and use parts of it for some of the stores I wanted to write.  If I will actually do that, I don’t know.  If some of my experiences will ever become part of the characters I will write in the future, I don’t know.

On a related note, I have since lost all of the old journals I had.  I also lost most of the ones I kept on the computer because they were on diskette.  All of my things were stolen from a storage unit I once rented so that is one of the reasons I also thought I would start posting online.  That way I felt my journal would be safe.  It would be somewhere online and if I ever lost valuable possessions again, I would at least be able to go on the internet, to my site, and get them.  Hopefully that will be true, but more importantly, I hope I don’t lose anything else like that again.  It wasn’t a very good experience.  Especially since I was in the middle of a house move and everything I had, that I had worked for a built up, was lost.  Anyway.

So keeping in mind that I am thankful and appreciate of all of my followers, I noticed one that made me stop and think.  It is from a religious person…I think a preacher.  That made me stop and pause.

The reasons it made me pause is two-fold.  First, I am gay.  I make it very evident.  It is one of the things in my life that I am most proud of.  It takes, even know, I think, a lot of strength and courage to be gay in public.  While we are getting a tremendous amount of support and forward progress, there is still work that needs to be done.  It is even more evident that must progress still needs to be made in the country and south.

While I don’t live in the “deep south,” I am very close to it.  I am lucky.  I live in a reasonably nice place where I don’t actually fear for my life for being out and proud.  I have a gay sticker on my car.  Everyone I know knows I’m gay and everyone I work with does as well.  I am very proud of that.  I love the gay person I am.  While I might have mental issues that I need to deal with and fix, being gay is not something I am ashamed of in the least.  I will shout it to the world from the rooftops.

The second thing that gives me pause is the fact that I do have “mental issues.”  I have depression.  Might be slightly bipolar and god knows what else.

Seeing that I’m gay and have mental issues, and considering some of the people I have meet and been around, I have a problem with “religious” people.  I don’t like religion and don’t honestly known why people would want to follow “god” considering the things that have been done and violent acts rendered in his name.

Additionally, there are a lot of people out there who feel like “god” can cure, heal, and fix all the mental problems people have.  They also feel like being gay is wrong and you need to know god and he will “deliver” you from the “evilness.”  I couldn’t disagree with that more.

Now I don’t know this person.  I don’t know exactly what he or she believes.  I tried looking at some of the posts and they just seem a bit outlandish for me.  I would almost describe it as philosophical religion.  I just can’t bear to read it.  I’m sorry.

But I want to be very clear on this one thing: I do not feel that I would be better off if I believed in god.  I think religion can be beneficial to some people, but I still don’t believe in it.

Maybe I will later write more on my feelings on religion and the people I think it can help.  But I also thin it has hurt more people than it has helped.

Thanks for reading, and COMMENT and subscribe!  🙂

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I’m Taking a Day-Trip for One, Maybe? – PART ONE

A friend of mine was supposed to come down to see me.  This is how it all started….

On Monday she texted me and asked if I was free this weekend.  She said she wanted to go to “Prettieville” which is a really

Manic (Photo credit: Wikipedia)  This is how I feel right now, writing this.  But maybe that’s just because I’m really tired.

nice and popular town about an hour and half south of me.  I told her I didn’t know.  I wasn’t in the best mood – I can’t remember how often I wasn’t taking my medication – and I really didn’t know what would be going on for me this weekend.  I didn’t know how work was going to go.

If I were being honest I would say I just didn’t know if I would feel like going.  That’s one of the problems living with depression: you never know when you will feel good and when you won’t.  For me, I honestly don’t know if I’m going to do something until I do it.  I’ll try to remember to talk about in a later post.

Anyway, I told her I didn’t know.  She said she could go somewhere else and then I think she said she could find something else to do.  I took that as she changed her mind and she was still going to come because there were some other messages in between “she could go somewhere else/do something else” and “she would find something to do.”  I did tell her I would text her and let her know later.

Well then I got busy with work and the next thing I knew it was Thursday.  Maybe Wednesday…but I think it was Thursday.  That’s yesterday (from the time I’m writing this) if you’re keeping track.  I know that’s a short notice for me to show interest in this trip but it is what it is.

Well, I never heard from her.

Meanwhile, during the week I was thinking about going to Prettieville and thought it would be fun.  We talked before, when we first meet through a mutual friend of ours, that it would be fun to do because she’s always wanted to go there and it’s a city I really love.

Well, long story short, I still haven’t heard from her and it is currently Friday night/Saturday morning.  I texted her and sent her a message on Facebook, which she is always very quick to respond to.  I don’t know what’s going on.

There’s a bit of a…complicated story behind her and her life, from what I gather.  I’m not certain she doesn’t also have a problem with depression.  I really hope she didn’t feel dejected or anything when I first told her I didn’t know if I would be able to go or not.  I did ask if we could do this some other time so I could have a little advanced planning.

But, I’m going to tell you something about me and “advanced planning.”  It sucks!

I recently went on a really nice trip that a friend of mine paid for because she had the ticket and her other friend who was originally supposed to go with her canceled at the last minute.  She said that was my birthday and Christmas present from her.  It was a really fucking good present.  Probably the best one I’ve ever gotten!

Actually, there’s no fucking question: hands down that was the best Christmas present I have ever gotten!  It was the best trip of my life!

Anyway.  After thinking about this all week I’ve gotten excited and thought, hell, I want to fucking go to Prettieville!

I mean I have to drive there for work at least once a week.  It’s not like I get paid for that trip, but I still have to go.  That’s a whole other story in and of itself.

So I think I’m going to go.

I haven’t planned anything yet.  And at the moment – it’s currently 3:19 in the morning on Saturday.  I had planned to be in bed before now because I wanted to get up early in the morning to clean out my car before I went.  It is supposed to rain the first part of the day but I could still find something to do indoors before going to the best part of the city and walking around all the bars and shops.  I mean, it really is a great places!

But the whole point of this (a page later if you’re typing this in Word like I am), is that I honestly don’t know if I will go or what I will do when I get there.

Living with depression is a life about not knowing what is going to happen next or what you will do next.  Your mood can change so rapidly, at least mine can but I think I’m a little bipolar.

So I’m going to bed now.  It is now 3:23 and I feel like I can’t keep my eyes open any longer.  I feel like I could fall asleep right here.

Oh, the other thing I was going to say is I was thinking about maybe spending the night in Prettieville but I don’t know if I will or not.  It would be under the guise of “getting some writing done” and “getting some reading done” so I can “catch up on my reading and writing.”  I just don’t actually think any of that would get done.  But I might try being a whore.

Anyway, I wanted to write a little more.  And I feel like this is more rambling than anything and I also feel like there was another direction I wanted to head with this blog but…it’s 3:25 and I can’t see straight.  Plus I have to take some laundry out of the dryer so nobody takes any of it overnight.  (I don’t have a washer/dryer in my house which I really hate.)

On a quick housekeeping note: I want to thank the people who come to my blog and, hopefully, read it.  I really will try to start posting more regularly…that’s the goal, at least.  I think once I do I will increase my readership because I really do have some interesting things I want to write about.  Well, interesting if you find psychology and living with mental illness interesting.

Maybe tomorrow I will look over this and write another entry and clean up part of this.  Or remember where I was really headed.

Goodnight.

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Life Lately

I don’t know why, but it seems like life has been giving me little kicks lately.

Maybe not so much a “kick,” but throwing stones at me.

And maybe not so much “life,” but my “mental health.”

Nothing bad has been happening but I haven’t been feeling good lately.  I don’t know what I’ve been feeling, but it hasn’t been “good.”  It’s really hard to describe.

It’s almost as if I were just…here.  That’s really all I can say.

I’ve been somewhat taking my medicine.  In fact, I’m at the cafe right now – and I just looked outside and it is “fucking pouring!”  Not raining, I mean “fucking monsoon pouring ”  The same time I saw it I started hearing it through my earbuds.

I really hope it quits before I have to go in about 30 minutes.  I don’t want to get my laptop wet.

Back to my life lately, but I do like it when it rains sometimes.

Before we return to our regularly scheduled programming, lets go off on this little tangent, too.

I would like a large back porch that is screened in so I can sleep out there, make love out there when I have a man, and write out there.  And so I can just sit and relax out there.  I like being outside.  I would like it to have removable windows so when it’s really cold or really hot and I can have climate control and still enjoy being “outside” even if I am enclosed.  I like being in rooms with lots of windows.

And I don’t want to be able to see my neighbors from this porch and I want to be surrounded my lush greenery.

Back to my life.

I was thinking about this earlier when I was driving to the cafe.  What am I going to do in the future?  I’m afraid to find out that answer.

I often say that I never really know what I’m going to do from one moment to the next until I actually do it.  That’s what living in my head is like.  I never know what is going to happen next.  I just never know.

I worry about suicide.  If I were being honest, truly honest, I would admit that it is really something I worry about.  I fear.  But then, in a way, I don’t.  Lexy says, in Carolyn Parkhurst’s novel Dogs of Babel, that “suicide is just a moment.”  I really think that.  I don’t think it is selfish.  We grieve because we will miss someone.  But we don’t think about the kind of life that person had.  Sometimes it really is best that they are gone, and I think that is a decision that the individual person should be able to make for themselves.

Now let me clarify a few things:

First, I’m not saying I’m about to do anything “stupid.”  I’m not about to kill myself.  I don’t even want to kill myself right now.   All I am saying is that it is an option.  I don’t want to have to do it, but sometimes I think I really might need to keep that option open.

Second, my dad is alive.  I would never kill myself while he is alive.  Although, that is something that I worry about.  I don’t know what I might do when he does die.  He is my life in so much as he is all the family I have left.  But I will unpack that little bit of baggage later.