Sun-Cured Prozac

I don’t think the Prozac I found is working. I think it might be expired. I know it’s not “expired,” but I’m not so sure it’s chemically “good” now.

Sometimes it gets scary.

When I drink a lot, well, back when I was drinking regularly, I could tell when I was approaching “that place.” You know the feeling when you start to have a conversation with yourself that goes something like this….

Wow, I feel really good right now. Like, really fucking good. I am shitface and just don’t care. But if I stop right now I’ll be okay. If I stop right now and focus I will be able to hold it down and not puke my guts out. But if I keep going, if I have just one more drink – or maybe one more sip of the drink I currently have – I will lose it and end up upchucking somewhere.

I’ve had that conversation a few times with myself. I’m kind of a light-weight drunk because I don’t drink that often. I don’t drink unless I can drink enough to “feel good.” I don’t see the point in drinking otherwise. I really just drink to get drink – or a little tipsy. But the point is I know when I’m getting to that place where I need to stop otherwise it will stop being fun. Likewise, I can tell right now I’m getting close to that mental place where if I don’t start taking my Prozac again shit will get scary. Real scary!

Some people wonder why we don’t take our medicine every day. I can’t really answer that and I honestly don’t think anybody can because the relationship we have with our medication is different for everyone. I can tell you that part of the reason I don’t take mine is because I forget it. I know that doesn’t make since but I really do. Then when the prescription gets low I start missing days to make it last longer.

It’s kind of hard to describe how I feel when things are getting bad but there definitely is a feeling to it. My whole body feels different. My mind certainly feels different. My physical body feels different and then my mind starts going to all the bad places that it doesn’t need to go. My mind will lead me down a path of despair and, what I fear, eventual destruction.

I have 2 cars, one of which no longer runs so it has been sitting in the driveway.  I haven’t decided if I’m going to get it fixed or just get rid of it.  I’m sort of using it for storage right now but most of what is in it is trash that I could just git rid of.  (I need to do that soon.)  Last week I was looking for something that I thought was in there.  The car has been sitting for about 6 months now.  I found wanted I needed but I also found a Prozac bottle with a few pills left in it…maybe 15 or 18.  I decided to start taking them because I thought it was better than nothing which is what I currently had.  Either it’s taking a while for them to get into my system or the sun, over at least 6 months, have done something to them.  I know, I know…I shouldn’t leave medicine in the car and I shouldn’t take them now.  The “things I shouldn’t do” boat left a long time ago so there’s no use, don’t even say it.

It will be another 2 weeks before I can make an appointment because that will be when I will have the money, but when I do make the appointment I’m going to get it and, this time, start taking it every day. I think I’m a little more organized now so hopefully I can remember to take it each day. If I’m going to do any of the other things that I want to do – I’m working on writing that post now – I will have to start taking my medicine every single day.

 

The Car Makes me Feel – Part One

'96-'99_Mercedes-Benz_E320_Wagon

I’m in one of those moods.  I want to be alone, not seen.  I’m shy.  I’m stressed.  I think when I get stressed, and the Prozac wears off, I get this one.

But I’ve wanted to do a whole post about cars, cars I would like to have.  This, the 1996-1999 Mercedes-Benz E320 Wagon. One of the things I really like about this car, in this moment, I think, is the tinted windows.  I mean I also like the body style.  It’s big, but I normally don’t like big.

But I imagine it to be safe.  And secure.  And with the dark windows I feel more secure.  Private.  Alone.

I feel secure, like nobody could get to me.

And while it is not new, I do feel like it says something about the person driving it.  It says they have class.  Money.  They like the finer things in life.  And since I do have an inferiority complex it would be nice to have something like this.  That is a subject I should write more about.  And unpack with a therapist.

And I get that nice cozy safe feeling when I look at this picture, too.  And I’ve got to say how much I love the scene in which it sits.  It’s the cozy weekend getaway house in the country.  Or the house you escape to when you need a time-out from the crazy of life.  When you just need to get away.

I’m always wanting to get away.  To escape.

Mercedes-Benz-E320_Wagon-1999-800-03

And in this color it looks so regal and classy.  But it still needs the tint to be perfect.

xmas_wagon

And I love this picture.  This is the life I want.  The life I’m dreaming for.  For me and my boyfriend, who will eventually be my husband, to go bring home our real Christmas tree.  Wearing complimentary outfits that are hip and trendy.

Mercedes-Benz-E320-2002-1024-06

This is the interior of the 2002, the pictures above are the 97-99 models.  The next generation, the 2002, looks much so softer and nicer on the inside.  And let’s face it, that’s a very big deal.  I mean that is where we spend most of our time.  Not looking at it from the outside.  I like a nice interior.  This is nice.  I really like the steering wheel.  I’m strange.

There are other cars I like to.  Some of them I think I like better than the Mercedes.

BMW 5-Series E39 wagon

For some reason these BMWs pop into mind.  They seem more sporty than the Mercedes.  And this particular body style of BMW,the 1999 528i, is one that I really like.  I even like it in sedan.

1997 BMW 318I

I love blue.  This one be nice to have on the days I don’t mind being seen.

And I love the idea about having the car kept in the house.  I know, I’m strange.

 

 

 

 

1992 Volvo 240 Wagon 2

 

 

 

 

But then I keep coming back to this: the Volvo.  I just think I like them better, and I think they would be a better, safer car.

It was what I was brought home from the hospital in.  The first car I rode in.  A 1970-something blue wagon.  I just love a Volvo.  And it says “writer” to me.

I think I would like a mid 90s model wagon.  But this white one is a 1990ish.  Huge.  And nothing says writer more than this.  It’s an old car and you cannot judge my by the same standards as everyone else.  I’m a writer.  And artist.  And I walk to the beat of a different drum.  I don’t live in the same world as you.

No Change, Please

Written 1.27.14

This is totally not what I was going to write about right now but it’s a good topic that is really well overdue.

So like I have said before, I think…at least I meant to, there are several coffee shops in town.  While there are several, I only really like one of them.  Only one of them is home for me.

Man thinking on a train journey.

Man thinking on a train journey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I went to work at a decent hour like a good little boy this morning – I’m very proud of myself but I’ll talk about that.  Couple that with the fact that I ate lunch at my desk and that I’ve been very productive today, so far, I think I’m doing pretty damn good!

So, to reward myself – even though there’s a good chance I would do it regardless, but since I’ve done good today I’m calling it a reward – I decided to go to my coffee shop for a break and get some writing done.  This morning instead of writing I just went to work and I didn’t write my “Life Update” for this weekend so I wanted to do it today.

But there was one slight problem.  I could have gone back to my office and shut the door and done it there but I could have still been bothered and I really just wanted to get away.  I went to my coffee shop.  That’s when I ran into the problem.

They were CLOSED!

Not for good, just for “a while.”

Ok, so here’s the thing.  If you are one who pays attention to the health scores a restaurant gets…you would never know what I’m about to tell you.  Since I’m me, I know.  I totally know and I really shouldn’t be going there.

And here’s the other thing now that I have gotten off on this totally halfway related side trip about health scores and what I know.  

I love Chinese food but there are a lot of them that I’m kind of afraid of going to.  I’m not going to go into the details of why, but just google it and make sure your dog or cat is out of the room when you do.  They will have nightmares for years!

And it’s not just Chinese food.  There are a lot of restaurants that I’m afraid to go to.  My thinking is that the dining area or outside looks bad the the kitchen, the places customer’s can’t see, must only be worse.  And while the rational part of my brain realizes that isn’t necessarily true, it’s something I just can’t help thinking about.  Anyway.

So back to my point, if there ever was one to begin with.

I pulled up to the coffee shop and thought, “oh nice, they don’t look busy.”  There were only a couple cars in the parking lot other than those of the people I know who work there.

Well I get out of my car and walk up to the door and the sign reads “closed for technical issues.”

Ok, I knew they were not having a problem with their computer system.  No, whatever “technical” issues they were having had to be much, much worse.

In the past their “technical” issues was the plumbing pipes backed up inside the building!

Ok, gross much?  Yeah!  I know!

But does that stop me from getting coffee there?  No.  Strange when you think about it, really.

So I didn’t want to go back to the office so I went to one of the other coffee shops that I only go through the drive-thru at.  But, like I said, I didn’t want to go back to the office and write from there so I decided to go inside.

That is where I really get to the point of this post: I don’t fucking like change!

And keep in mind, I’m the guy who wants to move to another city and start over.  I do want change, major change, but it just feels so wrong here.  Hell, it feels wrong period but, I don’t know.

And one of the things I don’t like is this coffee shop is the one most frequented by the college kids and I just don’t like being around them.  I don’t like being around people who are younger than me.  I don’t know why, but I really don’t like it.  I don’t like being around most anybody, but especially them.  I feel like they are more judging than most.

But after I sit here for a little while it really isn’t that bad.  Well, I guess it could just be the table I got.  It’s a good one.  I like it.  I would feel different were I had a worse table.  Even though this one is near the registers I still feel better about it.  Plus it’s not right by the windows which for some reason makes me think I’m kind of hidden away a little.  I feel more secure and less seen.  Less out in the open.  I know that’s not true, but it doesn’t matter.  When you’re living with a mental illness rationality doesn’t matter.  All that matters is what is going on inside your brain and how you feel.

On another note, I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m tired and I would really like to go to bed right now.  Take a nap.  I might do that when I get off work but I don’t know yet.  Really it just depends on how I feel.  I’m going hope promptly at the time I’m supposed to today.  Not a minute over…even if I do end up staying “on break” a little longer than my hour lunch would allow.”

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Life Update – Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Maybe I should start calling these quick “what I’ve been up to” posts “Life Updates.”  That sounds better than what I was using.  Not that I remember what I was using.  It’s early.  In fact, it’s fucking early!

Early bird coffee queue #picnic09

Early bird coffee queue #picnic09 (Photo credit: @10)

It’s 7:46 in the morning.  Do you know how early that is for me?!?

The sun is rising, dew is still drenching the cars, and I’m not only out of bed but I’m dressed and at the coffee shop!  Like I’m all put together and presentable.  I’m ready for the day!

And this is actually the second day in a row that I have gotten up early.  Yesterday was because I needed to have a one-on-one with a dumbass at work.  As per the usual she denied any wrongdoing.  She did catch me a little off guard.  I could be wrong, but I highly doubt it.  That’s okay though, if she wants to play hardball we can do that.  She is either about to turn into a really good employee or it’s about to get ugly.  Either way, I’m tired of playing with her.

But now on to a better subject: me!

I worked my butt off yesterday.  I went in at 6 in the morning and didn’t leave until 6 at night.  But when I left I came to the coffee shop and went over reports for work!  So I worked all day.  I left to go home about 7:30ish and just got ready for bed.  I’m not sure why it took me so long, unless I left closer to 8, but I was crawling into bed at 8:30.  I took a 3mg Melatonin and slept!

I did wake up about 10:30 to pee and in one of those night-time sleep stupid stoopers I ate like 7 or 8 Kit Kat singles that I bought – and never should have – in the grocery store the other day because I was hungry when I went shopping.  I’ve been getting those lately, the sleep eating stoopers.  Well, here’s the thing.

I also know I haven’t been eating regularly and we already know I don’t have any self control, especially when I’m tired.  And when you wake up in the middle of a heavy sleep to go pee you are clearly tired.  At least I am.  If I feel stupid – like I’m in a sleep-stooper – I pretty much know I’ll be able to go back to sleep.  But sometimes when I wake up I’m hungry and if I have something quick and easy to eat, I usually will.

The other day it was chips and dip but last week it was making a turkey and ham sandwich with the lunch meat I had bought.  I know, good idea, right!  Anyway.

So I went back to bed and I had set my clock for something like 5:30 or 6.  I might have set one of the clocks for 5 but I sure didn’t get up.  I didn’t want to get up at 5:30 and I think I just hit the snooze button.  But then at 6 another clock went off and shortly after that the 3rd clock went off.  I actually got out of bed!  I’m fucking surprised.  But I did sleep for like 10+ hours.  My back was beginning to hurt from laying in bed so long.

And since I didn’t want to go to work this early, after going in so yearly yesterday and working so long, I decided to come to the coffee shop because I had to come here anyway.  I just decided to sit inside and write this blog.  Maybe I should start doing this every morning!

I’m going to try to start getting 8 hours of sleep every night and getting up early.  We will see how that works.  Otherwise, in order to get up early I might just have to start going to bed much earlier and trying to sleep longer.  We will see because I have got to do something to start getting to work on-time.  It’s 8:21 right now and I don’t really want to go to work but I think I should.  I have to be there should be there by 9 every morning.

That’s all folks.  Comment, subscribe via the email thingy.  If you have other comments or anything just send me at email to lifeonmygayisland at gmail dot com.  I look forward to hearing from you all!

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Flat Tire – I Was Proud of Myself

So I woke up this morning at 7.  Good for me.  Then I went back to bed and didn’t actually get up until 9.  Why 9?  Because my boss called me on my cell phone.  I don’t think she knew I had just woke up…I played it cool with my voice, I think.  If she did know she didn’t say anything.  I do know she first called my office but she didn’t say anything.  I’m cutting it close, I know.

So then I was thinking, “well, if I quickly shower and get dressed and leave by 9:30 that will put me in the office by 10 and that should be about the time” – I was totally guessing – “she is getting to her office.  So if she calls me after that there will be no questions.”

Well, I didn’t iron clothes last night, either.  So that took even longer.  It was about 10 minutes before 10 when I finally left the house.

On Sunday I realized I needed to replace one of the tires on my car; mettle threads were showing and sticking out of the tire.  I realized there was a problem when my car started bouncing down the road more than it usually does.  I looked.  I saw.  I did not curse or use fowl language.  (I was really proud of myself.)

Monday I went to the guy I normally use so I could get a new tire.  He’s a really nice guy and I trust him.  That, in my opinion, is huge.  I always feel…at a disadvantage, for the lack of a better word…when I need to have anything done to my car.  I know how to drive it but I don’t know how to fix it.  He wasn’t there.  Some other guy was there so I don’t know if he took over or is just taking some time off.  From the way the new guy sounded, he’s the new owner.  Hopefully he’s not because I don’t like him as much as the other guy.

He said he didn’t have the size I needed but should on Wednesday: that is today.

This morning my tire went flat.  I did not curse or say anything bad.  (I was very proud of myself.)

A flat tire on a Mercury Villager van.

A flat tire on a Mercury Villager van. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I saw him he asked me how many miles I drive everyday.  I told him about 70.  That’s a low number, but whatever.  He said it wouldn’t last that long.  I thought he might be right, but I’ve been told that by other tire people – not with this tire and not with tires that were this bad – and they were wrong.  I knew I needed to be careful because I knew it could go out at any time.

Turns out he was right.

There are not a lot of things I would say I’m good at but admitting with I’m legitimately wrong is one of them.  Beyond that, admitting when I have done something stupid.  I have done a lot of stupid things in life.  If I took the time to list all the stupid things I’ve done, and continue to do, I would be here all day.

So I was very proud of myself – not for the first time with something like this – when I did not get upset when my tire went flat.  I didn’t get upset and I acted like it was no big deal because with all things considered, it wasn’t.

It also probably helped that I have been taking my Prozac like I’m supposed to and I haven’t been in a rageful mood.

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Nervous & Straight – Part 1

Monday, June 10, 2013

So when I get nervous one of the things that happens to me is I get tired.  If all of a sudden I’m tired and yawning, it could be a sign

Get Nervous

Get Nervous (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m nervous.  I don’t know what the deal is.  Most people have the fight or flight mechanism kick in when they’re upset, or nervous – when they since fear, or something to be fearful of, is present.  Not me, I just want to roll over and play dead.  I want to crawl into bed – or a corner – and pull the covers over my eyes and pretend you can’t see me and the problem isn’t here.

I think I’m about to go visit my fuck buddy.  I’ve turned him away several times and when he texted me earlier today asking if I wanted to get together I said “maybe.”  Then he texted back a frowning face and asked me if I was getting tired of him.  I said “no.”  What I would have liked to say is, “No, but it would be nice if you would fucking kiss me!”

We’ve had this conversation before.  In fact, the last time we talked about this it was…maybe about a month…before we hooked up again.  Something about kissing is just the line drawn in the sand for “straight men.”  Oh, did I forget that part?  Yeah, this guy is “straight.”  If he were bi I wouldn’t put bi in parentheses, “straight,” however, deserves some added scrutiny.

So it’s been a couple of hours since I started this post.  I was taking a quick coffee break from work.  Now it’s after work and I texted him to see if he was still free and wanted to get together.  He said no, he was “spent.”

I asked him if he had found someone else.  He had, it some girl.  We might hook up later tonight but he doesn’t know yet.  I told him we should.

Before I end this for now, I want to finish my point about getting nervous.

I’m not sure why I do it.  When we are about to get together – and we have several times – I get nervous.  And most of the time I also get sleepy.  The part I don’t understand is the getting sleepy part.  I mean I also don’t understand why I get nervous when I’m about to see him.  And it’s not just him, it’s other guys I’m about to hook up with regardless of if this is our first time or now.

And I get sleepy when I get nervous about other things, too.  I don’t get it.  Does that happen to any of you?

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So there’s more to this story.  Would you be opposed to hearing sexual details?  Would you be opposed to hearing more about my sex life?  Leave a comment and let me know.

I think I could turn this into a little series and talk about this guy, and a few others.  Or even a few other experiences.  Tell me what you think about that!  I’d love to hear what you have to say.  You can comment or email me at lifeonmygayisland at gmail dot com.

So for now, comment and like and there will be more to come in this story.

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June 1, 2013 – 1:54PM

This was written on the date above but I’m not posting it until now because I was having a computer issue.  I couldn’t get my Mac to connect to my home network and when I was at the coffee house I forgot to post it.  I also forgot about it when I was at home and could have moved it to my flash drive and then posted it online using my other computer.  So, a day late, but here it is.  

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Before I went to bed last night I set my alarm for 9:30 and 10AM.  I had the intentions of getting up and going to town – about an hour away from where I live, an hour and half away from where I work – because I wanted to enjoy a day out and needed to do some shopping for work.  There’s a few items we need and can’t get in the town I work in.  Then I remembered….

I forgot to get money from work to pay for the things I needed and I had also left most of the money I had left in my office, too.  I know, it’s always a good idea to leave your personal money in your office at work.  I haven’t gone to the banking center yet to deposit it and didn’t want to carry it around with me.  Smart, I know.

And I was just reminded, when I had to type in my password to install an update, I need to go through all my websites which I have a password for and change the password.  I had to give my password out to two different people this week – again, I know, not smart – and I would like to change that.

So I remembered this little fuck up while I was at Walmart looking for a cool pad for my Mac.

I recently tweeted, I think, that I had resisted the urge to buy some things that I don’t need.  I also resisted the urge to buy a cool pad last night because I do have one I don’t like that I can clean the dust and cat hair from that my dad used to use.  (#runon much?)  I’m also going to go online and look for one that is 13 inches but I don’t have to buy that one right now.  So there has been a little progress in the life of a serial shopping: a shopaholic.  But part of that may also be the fact that I think I’m about out of money.

So last night I decided I would have to drive into work before going to town.  This morning – and by morning I totally mean “noon” – when I finally got out of bed I didn’t move very far.  I was reading a book a little while ago and got sleepy.  Luckily I decided not to go back to bed.  I got up and started moving by ironing my clothes for today.  So props to me for resisting that urge, too.

I also wanted to clean out and wash my car today, but I don’t think that is going to get done.  At least if it does it won’t happen until late tonight, right before I return home.

One of the places I needed to go in town closes at 5 and are closed on Sunday.  It is now 3PM and that will not happen.  I don’t want to go next week so I don’t know what I’ll do.  Maybe I will go next week but that will just take even more time out of what I really need to do!  That or I’ll have to get up super early one morning which I don’t like doing.

As for today, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I want to get some writing done.  I would like to go in and get a little paperwork done at work.  I really need to clean my fucking office, and organize all the paperwork that is strewn all over the fucking place.  At the moment I think I’ll get ready, pick up my money, probably go to the coffee shop first and get a little writing done.  I’m not going to go to town.  The other place I wanted to go in town was a used bookstore that I know will be closed tomorrow.  But I didn’t really need to go there…but I really, really wanted to.  I bet I could find some books about my Mac there.  That thought really makes me want to go but, oh well.

But the biggest point I’d like to make is that I’m not going to beat myself up for not getting up and 9:30 like I wanted to and not getting more accomplished today.  It is, after all, Saturday, a day for me to rest and recoup my sanity.  Something that really does need to be done frequently!  Maybe more will get done tomorrow, and maybe it won’t.  We will just have to see how today ends up.