Sun-Cured Prozac

I don’t think the Prozac I found is working. I think it might be expired. I know it’s not “expired,” but I’m not so sure it’s chemically “good” now.

Sometimes it gets scary.

When I drink a lot, well, back when I was drinking regularly, I could tell when I was approaching “that place.” You know the feeling when you start to have a conversation with yourself that goes something like this….

Wow, I feel really good right now. Like, really fucking good. I am shitface and just don’t care. But if I stop right now I’ll be okay. If I stop right now and focus I will be able to hold it down and not puke my guts out. But if I keep going, if I have just one more drink – or maybe one more sip of the drink I currently have – I will lose it and end up upchucking somewhere.

I’ve had that conversation a few times with myself. I’m kind of a light-weight drunk because I don’t drink that often. I don’t drink unless I can drink enough to “feel good.” I don’t see the point in drinking otherwise. I really just drink to get drink – or a little tipsy. But the point is I know when I’m getting to that place where I need to stop otherwise it will stop being fun. Likewise, I can tell right now I’m getting close to that mental place where if I don’t start taking my Prozac again shit will get scary. Real scary!

Some people wonder why we don’t take our medicine every day. I can’t really answer that and I honestly don’t think anybody can because the relationship we have with our medication is different for everyone. I can tell you that part of the reason I don’t take mine is because I forget it. I know that doesn’t make since but I really do. Then when the prescription gets low I start missing days to make it last longer.

It’s kind of hard to describe how I feel when things are getting bad but there definitely is a feeling to it. My whole body feels different. My mind certainly feels different. My physical body feels different and then my mind starts going to all the bad places that it doesn’t need to go. My mind will lead me down a path of despair and, what I fear, eventual destruction.

I have 2 cars, one of which no longer runs so it has been sitting in the driveway.  I haven’t decided if I’m going to get it fixed or just get rid of it.  I’m sort of using it for storage right now but most of what is in it is trash that I could just git rid of.  (I need to do that soon.)  Last week I was looking for something that I thought was in there.  The car has been sitting for about 6 months now.  I found wanted I needed but I also found a Prozac bottle with a few pills left in it…maybe 15 or 18.  I decided to start taking them because I thought it was better than nothing which is what I currently had.  Either it’s taking a while for them to get into my system or the sun, over at least 6 months, have done something to them.  I know, I know…I shouldn’t leave medicine in the car and I shouldn’t take them now.  The “things I shouldn’t do” boat left a long time ago so there’s no use, don’t even say it.

It will be another 2 weeks before I can make an appointment because that will be when I will have the money, but when I do make the appointment I’m going to get it and, this time, start taking it every day. I think I’m a little more organized now so hopefully I can remember to take it each day. If I’m going to do any of the other things that I want to do – I’m working on writing that post now – I will have to start taking my medicine every single day.

 

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The Car Makes me Feel – Part One

'96-'99_Mercedes-Benz_E320_Wagon

I’m in one of those moods.  I want to be alone, not seen.  I’m shy.  I’m stressed.  I think when I get stressed, and the Prozac wears off, I get this one.

But I’ve wanted to do a whole post about cars, cars I would like to have.  This, the 1996-1999 Mercedes-Benz E320 Wagon. One of the things I really like about this car, in this moment, I think, is the tinted windows.  I mean I also like the body style.  It’s big, but I normally don’t like big.

But I imagine it to be safe.  And secure.  And with the dark windows I feel more secure.  Private.  Alone.

I feel secure, like nobody could get to me.

And while it is not new, I do feel like it says something about the person driving it.  It says they have class.  Money.  They like the finer things in life.  And since I do have an inferiority complex it would be nice to have something like this.  That is a subject I should write more about.  And unpack with a therapist.

And I get that nice cozy safe feeling when I look at this picture, too.  And I’ve got to say how much I love the scene in which it sits.  It’s the cozy weekend getaway house in the country.  Or the house you escape to when you need a time-out from the crazy of life.  When you just need to get away.

I’m always wanting to get away.  To escape.

Mercedes-Benz-E320_Wagon-1999-800-03

And in this color it looks so regal and classy.  But it still needs the tint to be perfect.

xmas_wagon

And I love this picture.  This is the life I want.  The life I’m dreaming for.  For me and my boyfriend, who will eventually be my husband, to go bring home our real Christmas tree.  Wearing complimentary outfits that are hip and trendy.

Mercedes-Benz-E320-2002-1024-06

This is the interior of the 2002, the pictures above are the 97-99 models.  The next generation, the 2002, looks much so softer and nicer on the inside.  And let’s face it, that’s a very big deal.  I mean that is where we spend most of our time.  Not looking at it from the outside.  I like a nice interior.  This is nice.  I really like the steering wheel.  I’m strange.

There are other cars I like to.  Some of them I think I like better than the Mercedes.

BMW 5-Series E39 wagon

For some reason these BMWs pop into mind.  They seem more sporty than the Mercedes.  And this particular body style of BMW,the 1999 528i, is one that I really like.  I even like it in sedan.

1997 BMW 318I

I love blue.  This one be nice to have on the days I don’t mind being seen.

And I love the idea about having the car kept in the house.  I know, I’m strange.

 

 

 

 

1992 Volvo 240 Wagon 2

 

 

 

 

But then I keep coming back to this: the Volvo.  I just think I like them better, and I think they would be a better, safer car.

It was what I was brought home from the hospital in.  The first car I rode in.  A 1970-something blue wagon.  I just love a Volvo.  And it says “writer” to me.

I think I would like a mid 90s model wagon.  But this white one is a 1990ish.  Huge.  And nothing says writer more than this.  It’s an old car and you cannot judge my by the same standards as everyone else.  I’m a writer.  And artist.  And I walk to the beat of a different drum.  I don’t live in the same world as you.

No Change, Please

Written 1.27.14

This is totally not what I was going to write about right now but it’s a good topic that is really well overdue.

So like I have said before, I think…at least I meant to, there are several coffee shops in town.  While there are several, I only really like one of them.  Only one of them is home for me.

Man thinking on a train journey.

Man thinking on a train journey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I went to work at a decent hour like a good little boy this morning – I’m very proud of myself but I’ll talk about that.  Couple that with the fact that I ate lunch at my desk and that I’ve been very productive today, so far, I think I’m doing pretty damn good!

So, to reward myself – even though there’s a good chance I would do it regardless, but since I’ve done good today I’m calling it a reward – I decided to go to my coffee shop for a break and get some writing done.  This morning instead of writing I just went to work and I didn’t write my “Life Update” for this weekend so I wanted to do it today.

But there was one slight problem.  I could have gone back to my office and shut the door and done it there but I could have still been bothered and I really just wanted to get away.  I went to my coffee shop.  That’s when I ran into the problem.

They were CLOSED!

Not for good, just for “a while.”

Ok, so here’s the thing.  If you are one who pays attention to the health scores a restaurant gets…you would never know what I’m about to tell you.  Since I’m me, I know.  I totally know and I really shouldn’t be going there.

And here’s the other thing now that I have gotten off on this totally halfway related side trip about health scores and what I know.  

I love Chinese food but there are a lot of them that I’m kind of afraid of going to.  I’m not going to go into the details of why, but just google it and make sure your dog or cat is out of the room when you do.  They will have nightmares for years!

And it’s not just Chinese food.  There are a lot of restaurants that I’m afraid to go to.  My thinking is that the dining area or outside looks bad the the kitchen, the places customer’s can’t see, must only be worse.  And while the rational part of my brain realizes that isn’t necessarily true, it’s something I just can’t help thinking about.  Anyway.

So back to my point, if there ever was one to begin with.

I pulled up to the coffee shop and thought, “oh nice, they don’t look busy.”  There were only a couple cars in the parking lot other than those of the people I know who work there.

Well I get out of my car and walk up to the door and the sign reads “closed for technical issues.”

Ok, I knew they were not having a problem with their computer system.  No, whatever “technical” issues they were having had to be much, much worse.

In the past their “technical” issues was the plumbing pipes backed up inside the building!

Ok, gross much?  Yeah!  I know!

But does that stop me from getting coffee there?  No.  Strange when you think about it, really.

So I didn’t want to go back to the office so I went to one of the other coffee shops that I only go through the drive-thru at.  But, like I said, I didn’t want to go back to the office and write from there so I decided to go inside.

That is where I really get to the point of this post: I don’t fucking like change!

And keep in mind, I’m the guy who wants to move to another city and start over.  I do want change, major change, but it just feels so wrong here.  Hell, it feels wrong period but, I don’t know.

And one of the things I don’t like is this coffee shop is the one most frequented by the college kids and I just don’t like being around them.  I don’t like being around people who are younger than me.  I don’t know why, but I really don’t like it.  I don’t like being around most anybody, but especially them.  I feel like they are more judging than most.

But after I sit here for a little while it really isn’t that bad.  Well, I guess it could just be the table I got.  It’s a good one.  I like it.  I would feel different were I had a worse table.  Even though this one is near the registers I still feel better about it.  Plus it’s not right by the windows which for some reason makes me think I’m kind of hidden away a little.  I feel more secure and less seen.  Less out in the open.  I know that’s not true, but it doesn’t matter.  When you’re living with a mental illness rationality doesn’t matter.  All that matters is what is going on inside your brain and how you feel.

On another note, I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m tired and I would really like to go to bed right now.  Take a nap.  I might do that when I get off work but I don’t know yet.  Really it just depends on how I feel.  I’m going hope promptly at the time I’m supposed to today.  Not a minute over…even if I do end up staying “on break” a little longer than my hour lunch would allow.”

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Sunday, June 2, 2013 – 10:11PM

So when I get home I need to iron my clothes for tomorrow so I won’t have to do that when I get up.  And I also hope that will help

Mac 512K Keyboard

Mac 512K Keyboard (Photo credit: yllan)

me get the fuck out of bed in the morning – hopefully hearing my god damn alarm clock when it first goes off at 6:30 in the morning – and getting ready and my ass to work!  On fucking time!  Early, in fact!

There are a ton of things I need to do, none of which I did this weekend, and would like to get them done tomorrow.  Maybe tomorrow I can start off on a new leaf and getting things done.

I also have a lot of newspapers I need to read to see if there is anything good that I should know.  I have been buying newspapers like fucking crazy but reading almost none of them.

This weekend was good.  I didn’t get a lot accomplished but I did rest.  I rested too much today, but still I’m okay with that.  I have a new week to start and maybe things will go well.  I took my medicine last night and need to take it tonight before I leave the diner.  I stopped here because I wanted to post the blog post I wrote yesterday and I’m not sure that my Mac will get online when I get home.  If it does like it has for the last 2 days, it won’t.  I don’t know what that’s

Mid-1970s digital alarm clock radio (AM/FM) us...

Mid-1970s digital alarm clock radio (AM/FM) using split-flap display (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

about but it is annoying.  I think it has something to do with the neighbors wifi that I use.  They know it…that’s the deal.  It’s a long story that I’m not going to get into.

I also need to check and see if I can connect to the internet via my phone.  I know before I got my new iPhone I could, it was on my account but a pain in the ass to get to work.  I think after renewing my contract they took that feature off.  I need to look into that because while I do have my other computer I can use – when my dad isn’t using it – I don’t want to have to use that one while I’m at home.  That would be stupid.

But on a bring note, maybe it would get me to write and read more…though I doubt it.

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June 1, 2013 – 1:54PM

This was written on the date above but I’m not posting it until now because I was having a computer issue.  I couldn’t get my Mac to connect to my home network and when I was at the coffee house I forgot to post it.  I also forgot about it when I was at home and could have moved it to my flash drive and then posted it online using my other computer.  So, a day late, but here it is.  

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Before I went to bed last night I set my alarm for 9:30 and 10AM.  I had the intentions of getting up and going to town – about an hour away from where I live, an hour and half away from where I work – because I wanted to enjoy a day out and needed to do some shopping for work.  There’s a few items we need and can’t get in the town I work in.  Then I remembered….

I forgot to get money from work to pay for the things I needed and I had also left most of the money I had left in my office, too.  I know, it’s always a good idea to leave your personal money in your office at work.  I haven’t gone to the banking center yet to deposit it and didn’t want to carry it around with me.  Smart, I know.

And I was just reminded, when I had to type in my password to install an update, I need to go through all my websites which I have a password for and change the password.  I had to give my password out to two different people this week – again, I know, not smart – and I would like to change that.

So I remembered this little fuck up while I was at Walmart looking for a cool pad for my Mac.

I recently tweeted, I think, that I had resisted the urge to buy some things that I don’t need.  I also resisted the urge to buy a cool pad last night because I do have one I don’t like that I can clean the dust and cat hair from that my dad used to use.  (#runon much?)  I’m also going to go online and look for one that is 13 inches but I don’t have to buy that one right now.  So there has been a little progress in the life of a serial shopping: a shopaholic.  But part of that may also be the fact that I think I’m about out of money.

So last night I decided I would have to drive into work before going to town.  This morning – and by morning I totally mean “noon” – when I finally got out of bed I didn’t move very far.  I was reading a book a little while ago and got sleepy.  Luckily I decided not to go back to bed.  I got up and started moving by ironing my clothes for today.  So props to me for resisting that urge, too.

I also wanted to clean out and wash my car today, but I don’t think that is going to get done.  At least if it does it won’t happen until late tonight, right before I return home.

One of the places I needed to go in town closes at 5 and are closed on Sunday.  It is now 3PM and that will not happen.  I don’t want to go next week so I don’t know what I’ll do.  Maybe I will go next week but that will just take even more time out of what I really need to do!  That or I’ll have to get up super early one morning which I don’t like doing.

As for today, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I want to get some writing done.  I would like to go in and get a little paperwork done at work.  I really need to clean my fucking office, and organize all the paperwork that is strewn all over the fucking place.  At the moment I think I’ll get ready, pick up my money, probably go to the coffee shop first and get a little writing done.  I’m not going to go to town.  The other place I wanted to go in town was a used bookstore that I know will be closed tomorrow.  But I didn’t really need to go there…but I really, really wanted to.  I bet I could find some books about my Mac there.  That thought really makes me want to go but, oh well.

But the biggest point I’d like to make is that I’m not going to beat myself up for not getting up and 9:30 like I wanted to and not getting more accomplished today.  It is, after all, Saturday, a day for me to rest and recoup my sanity.  Something that really does need to be done frequently!  Maybe more will get done tomorrow, and maybe it won’t.  We will just have to see how today ends up.

Confused People

So clearly some people are confused.  Clearly they don’t know me very well.

With a few people – the person I’m talking about in this blog is one of them – I’m very open about having depression and taking medication for it.  When I’m not taking my pills things that get ugly.  And even when I am taking my pills things aren’t always pretty.  Sometimes I just have a bad day.  Sometimes I just don’t feel like being around people.  I don’t really want to be bothered and I’m not going to be all happy and cherry.  I’m not a ray of fucking sunshine…and certainly not all the time!

I thought this particular person knew that, but I guess she didn’t.

We have been thinking about starting a writing project together.  We’ve been talking about it for…about a week now.  That isn’t a long time but for whatever reason things seemed to be going really well and everything was looking like we were going to get our first piece finished today.  That was on…Wednesday.  Thursday, yesterday, things clearly took a turn for the worst.

I’ve been doing pretty well all week with taking my medicine like I’m supposed to.  I started last Friday – a week from today – because that is the day I thought I was going to fucking snap!  I really wanted to lose my fucking mind.  I think that was the day after I went out of town to pick up my new computer – which I haven’t even written about…I don’t think.  I think I started those posts but haven’t finished them.

Anyway, so, all week I’ve been in a pretty good mood.  Well for a day or two I did forget to take my medicine.  I don’t know if it was a coincidence or what but on Thursday – the day we were going to take of from the writing project – I was in a crappy mood.  I guess I was too “negative” and pissed her off.

Now we haven’t known each other for a long time, only a couple of months, but we’ve been hanging out a lot!  And she has seen my mood swings so I think she should know what I’m like.  Maybe I was wrong.

She basically said my negativity is not going to be good for the project.  I’m sorry.

If you think I’m going to go every day of my life without being in a bad mood then you are wrong!  Severely wrong!  I wish I could but that’s just not how my mind was made, chemically.  It isn’t how I function.

I have a very high-stress job and I just have bad days.  It is what it is and if that is what is stopping us from working together, or stopping you from wanting to work for me, then go for it.  I can’t do anything about that.  Even if I take my medicine every fucking day I’m still going to have days when I feel moody and depressed.  That’s just how I am and anybody who can’t deal with that has to get over it or just not be friends with me.

I’m curious to see if we remain as close of friends as we have been.  Only time will tell but I’m really curious.

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This Isn’t Working

If there’s one thing I know for sure it is that this, what I’m doing right now and the way I’m living, isn’t working.  This cannot continue.  I can’t keep going like this and I can, I just can’t, keep up with this bullshit!  Something has got to go!

Today was one of those days when I just wanted to snap.  By the end of the day I wanted to go the fuck off on someone until it wasn’t even funny!

I was sitting at a red light.  I was fumbling with something, I think it might have been my phone, and I knew there was a six-pack of IBC Cream Soda – glass bottles – sitting in my back floorboard with one sitting in the back seat.

I was several cars behind the red light, maybe the 4th one in line.

There was a red Honda Accord Coupe driven by a tallish young guy.  The light turned green and there were 2 car length in front of me before I noticed.  In the split second before I went, after I noticed what was going on, I thought of the guy in the car behind me.  I thought if he honked his fucking horn I would slam on brakes, grab the amber-colored bottle from my backseat, get out of my car and yell at him telling him “if you want to fuck with me you blog that God-damn horn one more fucking time,” then throw the bottle at his windshield.

I thought how much I wish I had a taser in case he then tried to get out of his car and come after me.

That is when I fucking knew I needed to go home.  I didn’t, but it’s when I thought I really needed to.

Before that event, I had already slammed my car door – which I never usually do – to go back into my office to get something I forgot.  My coffee.  I had forgot to get my coffee out of the microwave.  I also wanted to throw my phone across my car – which I also never do because I don’t even set my iPhone down hard…I am only gental and kind to that wonderful devise – because the internet wasn’t working.  Fucking Sprint!

Today is when I wanted to snap.  I wanted to fucking go the fuck off at anybody.

It is days like today that I can’t take many more of.  Something has GOT to give!  Something has got to change!

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