Sun-Cured Prozac

I don’t think the Prozac I found is working. I think it might be expired. I know it’s not “expired,” but I’m not so sure it’s chemically “good” now.

Sometimes it gets scary.

When I drink a lot, well, back when I was drinking regularly, I could tell when I was approaching “that place.” You know the feeling when you start to have a conversation with yourself that goes something like this….

Wow, I feel really good right now. Like, really fucking good. I am shitface and just don’t care. But if I stop right now I’ll be okay. If I stop right now and focus I will be able to hold it down and not puke my guts out. But if I keep going, if I have just one more drink – or maybe one more sip of the drink I currently have – I will lose it and end up upchucking somewhere.

I’ve had that conversation a few times with myself. I’m kind of a light-weight drunk because I don’t drink that often. I don’t drink unless I can drink enough to “feel good.” I don’t see the point in drinking otherwise. I really just drink to get drink – or a little tipsy. But the point is I know when I’m getting to that place where I need to stop otherwise it will stop being fun. Likewise, I can tell right now I’m getting close to that mental place where if I don’t start taking my Prozac again shit will get scary. Real scary!

Some people wonder why we don’t take our medicine every day. I can’t really answer that and I honestly don’t think anybody can because the relationship we have with our medication is different for everyone. I can tell you that part of the reason I don’t take mine is because I forget it. I know that doesn’t make since but I really do. Then when the prescription gets low I start missing days to make it last longer.

It’s kind of hard to describe how I feel when things are getting bad but there definitely is a feeling to it. My whole body feels different. My mind certainly feels different. My physical body feels different and then my mind starts going to all the bad places that it doesn’t need to go. My mind will lead me down a path of despair and, what I fear, eventual destruction.

I have 2 cars, one of which no longer runs so it has been sitting in the driveway.  I haven’t decided if I’m going to get it fixed or just get rid of it.  I’m sort of using it for storage right now but most of what is in it is trash that I could just git rid of.  (I need to do that soon.)  Last week I was looking for something that I thought was in there.  The car has been sitting for about 6 months now.  I found wanted I needed but I also found a Prozac bottle with a few pills left in it…maybe 15 or 18.  I decided to start taking them because I thought it was better than nothing which is what I currently had.  Either it’s taking a while for them to get into my system or the sun, over at least 6 months, have done something to them.  I know, I know…I shouldn’t leave medicine in the car and I shouldn’t take them now.  The “things I shouldn’t do” boat left a long time ago so there’s no use, don’t even say it.

It will be another 2 weeks before I can make an appointment because that will be when I will have the money, but when I do make the appointment I’m going to get it and, this time, start taking it every day. I think I’m a little more organized now so hopefully I can remember to take it each day. If I’m going to do any of the other things that I want to do – I’m working on writing that post now – I will have to start taking my medicine every single day.

 

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The Car Makes me Feel – Part One

'96-'99_Mercedes-Benz_E320_Wagon

I’m in one of those moods.  I want to be alone, not seen.  I’m shy.  I’m stressed.  I think when I get stressed, and the Prozac wears off, I get this one.

But I’ve wanted to do a whole post about cars, cars I would like to have.  This, the 1996-1999 Mercedes-Benz E320 Wagon. One of the things I really like about this car, in this moment, I think, is the tinted windows.  I mean I also like the body style.  It’s big, but I normally don’t like big.

But I imagine it to be safe.  And secure.  And with the dark windows I feel more secure.  Private.  Alone.

I feel secure, like nobody could get to me.

And while it is not new, I do feel like it says something about the person driving it.  It says they have class.  Money.  They like the finer things in life.  And since I do have an inferiority complex it would be nice to have something like this.  That is a subject I should write more about.  And unpack with a therapist.

And I get that nice cozy safe feeling when I look at this picture, too.  And I’ve got to say how much I love the scene in which it sits.  It’s the cozy weekend getaway house in the country.  Or the house you escape to when you need a time-out from the crazy of life.  When you just need to get away.

I’m always wanting to get away.  To escape.

Mercedes-Benz-E320_Wagon-1999-800-03

And in this color it looks so regal and classy.  But it still needs the tint to be perfect.

xmas_wagon

And I love this picture.  This is the life I want.  The life I’m dreaming for.  For me and my boyfriend, who will eventually be my husband, to go bring home our real Christmas tree.  Wearing complimentary outfits that are hip and trendy.

Mercedes-Benz-E320-2002-1024-06

This is the interior of the 2002, the pictures above are the 97-99 models.  The next generation, the 2002, looks much so softer and nicer on the inside.  And let’s face it, that’s a very big deal.  I mean that is where we spend most of our time.  Not looking at it from the outside.  I like a nice interior.  This is nice.  I really like the steering wheel.  I’m strange.

There are other cars I like to.  Some of them I think I like better than the Mercedes.

BMW 5-Series E39 wagon

For some reason these BMWs pop into mind.  They seem more sporty than the Mercedes.  And this particular body style of BMW,the 1999 528i, is one that I really like.  I even like it in sedan.

1997 BMW 318I

I love blue.  This one be nice to have on the days I don’t mind being seen.

And I love the idea about having the car kept in the house.  I know, I’m strange.

 

 

 

 

1992 Volvo 240 Wagon 2

 

 

 

 

But then I keep coming back to this: the Volvo.  I just think I like them better, and I think they would be a better, safer car.

It was what I was brought home from the hospital in.  The first car I rode in.  A 1970-something blue wagon.  I just love a Volvo.  And it says “writer” to me.

I think I would like a mid 90s model wagon.  But this white one is a 1990ish.  Huge.  And nothing says writer more than this.  It’s an old car and you cannot judge my by the same standards as everyone else.  I’m a writer.  And artist.  And I walk to the beat of a different drum.  I don’t live in the same world as you.

Is This Anxiety?

I might have given my computer a sort of big bump and I swear I think it’s running a little slower now. I’m working on a whole post about how I want a new computer and if I keep this crap up I’ll really need one.

Coffee cup

Coffee cup (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

So I was supposed to post at least one blog already…several days ago…and then I planned on posting two blogs this weekend. That would have given me 4 for this week which is what I wanted. Well, as you can see that didn’t happen. But right now I’m up at the coffee shop and I want to talk about this for a minute.

There are 4 coffee shops in town that I know of. One I really like, one I really don’t like because it’s not in the best area because there is absolutely no shad on the small patio. The small patio that only has a few tables. The whole place is small. There is almost nowhere to sit because it is usually busy and all the space is taken.

There are two others in a nice area but 12 miles away…one way. While I don’t mind driving, I just never go to those because they are a bit far away. One of them is really nice but all the hipsters and rich people go there and I have such a problem being in there because I feel so bad. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb and I just don’t belong. I don’t fit. I feel like everybody would be staring at me. I feel like everybody is staring at me. I feel like I’m so hideous. And today I really feel like I don’t look good so that is another reason I wouldn’t want to go.

I was supposed to get up this morning and go to my friend’s house about an hour away from where I am right now because her husband needs to fix something for me. I wanted to get up early but I didn’t set my clock and I did wake up a couple times this morning but just rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to sleep in and stay away from everybody. I didn’t want to be seen and I didn’t want to be bothered. I didn’t get up until 1. This afternoon.

I don’t know why I’m so depressed right now. There is no other explanation for it, I am depressed and I don’t know why. I took my medicine yesterday and the day before and the day before that. I have been taking it this week like I’m supposed to. I know I’ve taken it for the last 3 days and I think I have taken it all week! I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t like it. It would be one thing if I weren’t taking my Prozac like I’m supposed to because I would have an explanation for what is going on. Right now I don’t.

And as I sit up here right now I’m wondering if what I’m experiencing and feeling is anxiety. The problem with this coffee shop is that it is right off the interstate. The other problem with this coffee shop, which I’m glad they have because it means business is good and the economy must not be in the total crapper, they are busy right now. It’s only a few days before the holidays and they are busy with all the people getting off the interstate to get coffee. But there are so many people coming and going and it’s just freaking me out!

I don’t want to go home because I’ll just sleep some more and won’t get anything done. I might get some writing done, but the chances are drastically reduced. But sitting up here is just driving me crazy.

One of the things I do is keep my earbuds in listening to music. Sometimes I will just put on an ambient noise app to drown everything out. The earbuds I use aren’t noise cancelling but I need to get some that are just for times like this. The only problem with the ambient noise app is sometimes finding one that doesn’t hurt my ears. I have to turn it so loud with these earbuds to actually conceal the noise that it will occasionally be too loud not to hurt or make me even that much more crazy. I have run into that problem a couple of times; the app is loud enough to enter in another noise problem but not loud enough, with these particular earbuds, to drown out the other noise which makes me crazy because of all the different noises I’m hearing. I know…it’s all a bit strange.

But this is also what I do when I’m in the store. Especially Walmart!

I don’t like the noise and the crowd and it’s such a bad grade of people in the particular Walmart I have to go to so I try to get rid of all that distraction and interference with my sanity that I wear by sunglasses if it’s still light out and I wear by earbuds. Most of the time when I’m in the store though I either listen to music, or must often, I listen to a podcast or the audio book I’m listening to at the time.

This blog has turned into a great big ol ramble!

But is this anxiety, or social anxiety if there is a thing, that I’m experiencing?

I often eat in my car so I can be alone. Plus I don’t always like to be seen eating. It’s a thing, I know.

When I left the house to come up here I thought I would sit outside because it was a nice day. I did for a while but it began to get cool and the gnats started coming out so I moved inside. I had to come in for more coffee and I was either going to move inside, if I could find a spot I liked, or I was going to go home. My spot was finally open, it wasn’t when I first got here, so I was happy. I’m okay here in my spot. Still a little overwhelmed by all the people but it’s not as bad. This is where I always sit. At least where I always sit when it’s open. Sometimes I will use one of the comfy chairs but most of the time it’s at this big table.

You would think, since I don’t like to be around a lot of people I wouldn’t sit at the biggest table in the house but I do. I like to spread my stuff out when I’m not just writing on the computer and it’s comfy. It’s usual. It’s my spot!

And sweaters help. I don’t know why but they just do. It’s another reason I like winter. I like being covered up.

So I think I’ve ran this post into the ground as much as I can. I also think I’m going to run to my friends house and drop off what I need fixed, and try not to stay very long. Then I think I’ll go into town and go to the bookstore. I might go to the Chinese restaurant where I like to eat when I’m there.

Oh, and this reminds me of another story I need to write about. The Bathhouse.

So I’ve said I wanted to write about my sex life and this is certainly one of those stories. It isn’t something I’m proud of, it’s it is something. It is something I have done in the past and hopefully will not do in the future but I’m not going to lie and say I’m not occasionally tempted. Hell, I was tempted earlier this week.

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The Prozac is Wearing Off

Good times.

Fluoxetine (Prozac), an SSRI

Fluoxetine (Prozac), an SSRI (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not really, but not horrible, either.

At least not yet.

I haven’t taken my Prozac in several days but that is partially because I’m running out of money and I’m also running out of Prozac.  I just took 3 pills, my normal dose (not with my current doctor but with my old doctor).

The doctor I’m going to now – because my old doctor is no longer in business – prescribed me 40MG a day.  That would be two pills a day which, I realize, is better than taking what I’m currently taking which is…two or three pills every few days with little regularity.  I realize this, but still….

I just counted and I have 13 pills left.  There are 11 days until I get paid again.  If I call now maybe I can get an appointment on that 11th day.  I think taking one pill a day would be better than what I have been doing.  Hell, it isn’t like I have much of a choice.  I could see if a friend of mine has any medicine left but I really don’t want to start something new.  I did that before when I was completely out – for a while – and what she gave me I believe was expired.  I wanted to kill myself by the time I got more Prozac.

I could also ask my boss because she said if I needed I could get a few pills from her because I guess she was prescribed it but never takes it.  I don’t know why.  I believe she and I had the conversation that it helps her but, like me, I guess she’s just hard headed.

Another thing that hot me down is that I saw a gay guy who looked cute today.  He was from the capital and I believe where it works, and probably lives, is near a big gay, trendy, area.  I wish I weren’t ugly but that’s the way I feel.  I just feel like I’m not good enough.  And to be honest, I’m not.

Nothing about me is good enough.  I don’t look good, I’m not the best at my job, I haven’t been able to write and I don’t really think I’m smart enough to, anyway, and I don’t have a lot of money.

This is what life with depression is like.

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Prozac Time

I initially started writing this on Friday.  It is now Saturday.  I’m still going to post this but I will first finish it with the now necessary updates.  I think it is very telling.

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Friday

I didn’t take my Prozac this morning, and I didn’t take it yesterday…and I can’t recall if I took it the day before that or not.

Fluoxetine HCl 20mg Capsules (Prozac)

Fluoxetine HCl 20mg Capsules (Prozac) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What I do know, however, is that I’m said right now.

I’m not sure if it is because I don’t have anything to do tonight…or anyone to do it with.  Or if I am just really feeling down because of the chemical imbalance in my brain, or what.  I don’t know.  I just know this moment isn’t a great moment.  It hasn’t been all afternoon.  I’m not sure if it started before or after he told me he had plans and wouldn’t be able to do anything.  I was hoping we could get together.  I was hoping I could see him.  I was hoping I would finally get to kiss him.

What I do know, is that I wish I had taken the pills earlier.  I did finally take them around 6 or 7 tonight when I was leaving work.  I just wish I had taken them earlier.

I wish I wouldn’t wait to take them.  I wish I would take them every day like I’m supposed to.

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Sunday

Later that night, around 12:30 on Saturday morning but really to me it was still Friday night, he called me.  Or texted me.

He told me he was leaving the party and wanted to know where I was and if I wanted to get together.  I told him where I was and that he could come over…I’d love to get together.  Instantly I was no longer in a downer of a mood.

He came over and wanted me to get in the car; I did.

We went driving and he had two 40s in his car.  Well, now I had never:

1. Drank a 40.

2. Gone drinking in riding.

3. Never been in the car while they were drinking and driving.

But I thought there’s always a first for everything so I soon loosened up and went along with the ride.  He said I had to drink the 40 before we went back to my place.

Actually, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds.  He said if I was uncomfortable – because I’m sure he could tell I was less than ecstatic about the plans – we could go back.  It was actually kind of fun.  Not what I would think to do, but it was okay.  He even let me know this was a “date.”  More on that will come in a different post.

We ended up spending the night together.  But the point of this was that I guess sometimes I’m sad because I have nothing better to do.

Well, let me rephrase that: maybe I’m sometimes sad because I really am “lonely.”

I do live a solitary life.  That is something that bothers me.

So that is all for now.  I have  a lot more writing I hope to get done today because I want to catch you up and tell you the story of J – the guy I have been seeing/talking to.

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A Blast from the Past – Part Four – Randomness #2

Another old blog post.  This one I found on my computer when I was looking for the old ones but it isn’t listed on the old blog I’m closing.  I guess I meant to post this but never did…I don’t know what might have happened to it.  I thought it was good to post, though, since it does deal with depression and medication which is something that is an important and ongoing issue in my life…even today.  Hope you enjoy.

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This was supposed to have been originally posted on 12.22.09, but I don’t think it ever was.

Randomness #2

 My doctor has me on a drug called Paxeva.  I’ve only been to this doctor once because I wanted to start going to a Psychiatrist as opposed to just a general practitioner.  My thinking was that a doctor specializing in my problems would be better able to help me.

When I walked into his office – which had a beautiful view of the marsh, river, and marina! – I wasn’t so sure I like him.  I just didn’t think he had an inviting, friendly manner.  Then, to make it worse, they charged me over 3 times what they should have and my dumb ass didn’t protest much!  I was in a depressed mood and didn’t want to fight about it.  Even though, I called the insurance company before I went to see him to see what my copay would be.  I used to work for a PBM and know how much of a hassle dealing with insurance companies and policies can be: I didn’t want any surprises!

As soon as I returned to my car I called the insurance company and asked what my copay should be because, since I have worked in this type of company before I know what can happen, I wanted to make sure the person I originally spoke with didn’t make a mistake by giving me the wrong information.  No, the mistake wasn’t made by the insurance company…the person I had on the phone this time was nice enough to call the doctor’s office and tell them, in fact, they made the mistake because they should have only charged me $40 as opposed to $143 dollars…the full cost of the visit!

(I just checked my work email because I’m at home right now.  I’m working this afternoon because a good friend of mine is working this afternoon and I like hanging out with her.  I don’t have a “set” schedule so there’s nothing wrong with me occasionally working the afternoon shift as opposed to the morning: it’s a good chance for me to get to see what goes on during that shift and what customers say/think/ask/etc… and find out what we might be able to improve on, etc.  My boss, Mr. Calm, just emailed me because somebody from the Home Office just emailed EVERY-FUCKING-BODY about an important credit card issue I have to take care of which has a due date of the 25th.  I REALIZE THAT, BITCH so back off and let me fucking handle things!  GOD!)

So after I got off the phone with the insurance, I called the doctor’s office back so they could refund the money they over charged me to my bank card.  “I’m sorry” they said, “we have an old system and are unable to do refunds.”  WTF!?!

I work with credit card machines and you are always supposed to be able to refund money.  What if you accidently had typed in one too many 1’s and charged my debit card $1,143.00, and what if the bank accepted it?!?  Not only would I be way over drawn, but I also wouldn’t be able to get my money back?!?!?!  Would you have issued me a check and _paid all the overdraft fee’s!?!?  I was pissed!

So I canceled the appointment with the therapist he wanted me to see because it was a therapist in his office.  Now I don’t know if I want to go back to my old doctor I saw in town before I ever got promoted…when I had insurance with my last job, or if I want to go back to this ass.

One of the other things I didn’t like about him was that he didn’t want to write me a prescription for a generic drug.  I was taking the generic form of Prozac and it was working fine.  I didn’t have any side affects I could recognize so I was pretty happy with it.  The one side affect to Paxeva is that I’m not “in the mood” as often.  Which, isn’t as big of a deal since I’m single but I still like “getting in the mood” because I can take care of any “issues” myself (I know…a little TMI (too much info) but I did say this was going to be honest and unedited…and certain “issues” is a natural part of life!  If you don’t like it…don’t read my blog).  And to be honest, I feel like I’m getting old when I don’t regularly have “issues” to take care of.  I didn’t experience that side affect while I was taking Prozac.

The only other thing, I didn’t feel like I had any more energy with Prozac and I can’t yet tell if that’s a problem with Paxeva…because I’ve let a two month supply last me…about 4 or so months.  (Maybe even longer.)  I might be willing to try this medicine again, but only if he has another one of those discount card to give me.  On my insurance, this medicine is $60 a month.  The one good thing he did was give me a discount card that lasted the life of the prescription so it took $50 off the cost so I only have to pay $10 a month…that’s what I was paying for Prozac.  If he doesn’t have another card, I’m not going to take this medicine again.  He’s just going to have to give me a generic of something and up the dose – because he says the dose could be off +/- 30%.

(I just checked my email again and since the bitch sent the email to EVERYBODY say I STILL haven’t done anything with credit card issue, I replied back to EVERYBODY telling them I would be working on this TODAY.  Two of the people on that email chain have their email accounts sending an auto reply telling everyone who emails them that they are “out of the office” until after Christmas.  They are fairly high ranking people yet I can’t take any fucking time off during the holidays!  I think I’m getting pissy again.)

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