Manic?

It is 1:27AM on Wednesday, April 24, 2013.

I think I might start saying when I actually write a post.  Some days, like today, I have been meaning to write a couple but I don’t want to post five entries in one day and then not post anything for the next five or more days.  I mean, I know I’ve said I was going to start writing more often and never do.  But…I really am going to try.

But leave me a comment!  Tell me what YOU would like me to do?  Would you rather me post things as soon as I write them even if it’s five things in one day?  I want to increase my followers and I’m just not sure if that would be a good thing or not.  I mean, I do want what I write to be read so…I’m thinking posting something every day might be good.  Just one post a day.  Then sometimes I might post two things in one day.  And I’m going to tell you now…don’t think I will post something EVERY day.  That just won’t happen.  I don’t think I can do that, especially right now.  And I don’t want to post variations on the same thing every day like “I’m feeling crazy” today.  Eventually that shit will get tired.

Look, this is just a work in progress.  I’m not completely sure what I’m going to do.  I think I’m rambling now.

Anyway.

I’ve wondering if I’m feeling a little manic right now.  Well, it’s not that I’m “feeling” a little manic, I just wonder if at the moment I’m not experiencing a state of mania.  This is why.

I was going to try going to bed earlier.  I had actually crawled into bed with my laptop at about 9:50 today.  (By tonight I so totally mean Tuesday night the 23rd because as far as I’m concerned it’s still Tuesday night because I haven’t sent to sleep yet.)  My plan was to read a few blogs that I found and then call it a night.  I was going to try to go to bed by 10:30 or 11 at the latest and, hopefully, get a good nights sleep.

Last night, Monday night, I did go to bed at midnight but I woke up at 3 with slight heartburn and having to pee.  Then I couldn’t go back to sleep until around 5.  I almost got up and said the hell with it and went to work but then I fell asleep.  Then I let my clock go off at 8, I think, and set it for 8:30 and the next thing I knew it was 9:30 and I should have been at work 30 minutes before I woke up.  That’s normally for me.  That’s something I really need to fucking change!

Anyway, back to tonight.  At almost 10 my boss texts me asking if I’m tried of the way this company does things.  She was trying to find out if I was past the point of no return yet or not.

I don’t really know what she would have done if I had said yes, and I’m not sure if talking to her about it would do any good.  More on that at a later time.

The point is I was somewhere I should not have been at the time she called.  I was supposed to be somewhere else (Vague, right? I know, this part of confusion is intentional but I’m keeping it that way for privacy matters.) so I got out of bed and left the place I should not have been because I didn’t want her calling me.

Anyway, I went back to my office and started doing some work.  I didn’t have anything better to do so I did.  I was going to clean things up a bit because, I swear.  My fucking office looks like a god damn file cabinet exploded in there and all the fucking paper humped like hell and multiplied like mother-fucking rabbits!  I mean it really is a problem.  If you want to talk about being unorganized, that is totally what my office looks like at the moment.

Anyway.  I did a little work and then left.  I came to the Diner where I have been for…at least 2 hours, drinking coffee and working.

Now the good thing is this: I needed to get this work done.  I needed a little extra time in my day.  Especially since I didn’t come into work today until 11 and I left around…hell, I don’t remember.  I think around 7 or 7:30, but still.  I have a lot I need to do.  It’s not like I went to work on time on Monday, either.  And I sure didn’t work past 6 because I had another date.  Did I write about that yet?  I don’t remember.  I did.  I think.  I think I went to the Coffee House and wrote about it today while I was on “lunch.”  Or was that yesterday.  See, I just can’t keep shit straight.  No, I know the answer to this, it’s an open book test.  I have the blog right in front of me so let me look.

Yes, it was today that I wrote about that…good for me.  So anyway.

The downside to this is that it is 2AM right now and I should be sleeping.  I do not do well getting up early, any day.  Especially on the days that I didn’t get much sleep!  I mean it’s nothing for me to sleep for 10 hours so getting only 4 or 5 hours just isn’t good for me.  Not to mention then I get really tired during the day and afternoon.

So back to right now.  I don’t know if this is mania or if I’m just concentrating and being productive.  What’s the difference?  How do you know what’s what? (I should totally look into that and write about it later.)

I know I have a problem concentrating.  And it’s usually late at night, I think, when I really can concentrate and get things done.  I mean sometimes at night and can go at it for a few hours on end and not be interrupted.  But most of the time, anytime, I will start something and then immediately get sidetracked.

The internet is the worst thing.  I can sit down to write and then end up going to YouTube or Amazon and looking at things and the next thing I know it’s 3 hours later and I’m halfway around the internet.  Then I end up getting tired or running out of time and I don’t write anything.  And the whole reason I sat down in the first place was to write something…or do something else that I just end of not doing.

But I’ve experienced this feeling before.  It’s almost like when I used to smoke pot.

Now I never smoked an illegal drug, but if I had this is how it made me feel.

I would go on and on and on talking for, what seemed like, hours on the stupidest subject.  I could go on endlessly about the way a blade of grass looked.  It was a very hard concentration.  I do wish I could get that feeling when I’m working during the day.  I would be much more productive if I could.

I’ve thought about looking into seeing if my doctor would put me on something for ADD because I REALLY think I have it.  I think I would be better at work if I took something like Adderall.  I don’t know.

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A Blast from the Past – Part Five – Randomness #3

Another old post, hope you enjoy.

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This was originally posted on 12.24.12

Randomness #3

 Earlier this week I was thinking if I didn’t get fired this week, maybe I should call Mr. Calm, my boss, and have a “confessional conversation” with him and explain some of the mental issues I have been dealing with for the past several months (about 6 to 8 months…but really it has been more like a year).  This is, after all, the reason for my lackluster performance.  All this stress of “am I getting fired,” “will I get fired,” is just getting to me and it’s stopping me from doing the things I really need to do so I don’t get fired…if I haven’t done anything big enough, so far.

Then I was thinking, maybe I’m just being too hard on myself.  He doesn’t know – and I hope he doesn’t find out – some of the “secrets and details” of some of the things I’ve done…or not done.  (Keep in mind, none of the things I’ve done is illegal; they are just things I’ve done that are against company policy.  Well…there might be one thing I’ve allowed that is against labor laws…but I didn’t ask, they just volunteered.  I’ll go into that on a completely different blog because it deserves an entry of its own.)

Keep in mind, if I did have that conversation with him, I wouldn’t tell him all the details, and I can’t think of too many that are really that big with the exception of two…or three.  (Again, another blog.)

The only other problem I would have is dealing with all the little things that keep popping up when someone does something wrong and makes a mistake.  Although, I could correct a lot of this by working longer hours and working with people and training them better., then if I really had to, if people kept making the same mistakes over and over I could write them up and get rid of them.  But I really wouldn’t want to do that because I don’t want to fire one of the people I might have to because I really like her.

So basically I’m now thinking I shouldn’t have that talk with him.  I should only try that talk if…he comes down to ask my why he shouldn’t fire me.

I do wish I knew how much my unemployment check would be and how long it would take to start collecting.  But I don’t even know if I would qualify because my company is notorious on doing everything possible to keep from having to pay benefits – big surprise.  They would probably use the phrase “failure to follow company policy” which I’ve heard is the phrase to you so people can’t collect.  And to be honest, it would aptly apply in my case.  I have failed to follow company policy.

But the laws of Unemployment Benefits have a huge flaw when it comes to people with mental illness and depression.  Sometimes, it’s not that people are lazy or they don’t care enough to do the right thing and follow company policy, but they can’t because of their mental issues that they can’t really get adequate help for!  I’m sure there are some tests I could have that would help both me and the doctors and therapists help me better.  Not only can I not afford to go to some of the people I need to, but I also can’t afford the tests that would probably help.  And how would I get the time off work to do some of these longer tests.  My bosses aren’t going to want to know that I need time off because I’m a mental case who needs lots and lots of help!  They are going to want to get rid of me and find somebody who isn’t crazy!

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A Blast from the Past – Part Two – Silent Treatment

Another old blog post.  Hope you enjoy.  

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This was originally posted on 12.20.09

Silent Treatment

 Would someone like to place a little wager with me on rather or not they think my boss will can my ass 4 or 5 days before Christmas?  Nothing says Merry Christmas like the gift of unemployment.

The reason I think this might be possible is because…I think I’ve been getting the silent treatment.

There has been an “ongoing incident” we have been dealing them as of late…and there was also a conversation about “the incident” or should I say “the lack of the proper actions” recently and ever since I responded to his email – the way we spoke about “the lack of proper actions” – I haven’t gotten but one word from him, and that was all in lowercase letters.

Now I realize some might be thinking I’m jumping to conclusions, which is entirely possible because of my petite bank balance…as I find those funds my employer drops into my account every two weeks very helpful.  However, I do think he not only has good reason to be upset with me, but it is also unusual for him to only say “thanks” as opposed to “Thanks!!” when I send him my weekly business increasing efforts report.

We shall see over the next couple of days.

I was thinking that I should have used Saturday morning to go fill out applications near the airport because I never get a chance to do that during the week…since I’m required to be onsite Monday thru Friday.  But I just learned that I have to work tonight because someone is sick so if I get out in a timely manner and can stay awake long enough in the morning maybe I could fill out some applications.  That, I think, would be one of the best choices I have done in a long time.

What wouldn’t be a good idea, however, is to do like I did last week and now show up for an interview I had scheduled.  It wasn’t anything special, just a night auditor position – some money coming in is better than no money coming in.  The reason I didn’t show up for that interview is because the afternoon previous I spoke with my boss and he relieved my concerns as the possibility of being fired because of this “incident.”

But then the next day he sent “the email” where we briefly discussed “the lack of proper actions” and ever since then I haven’t heard from him.  That’s with I thought what the fuck have I done!?!

On a side note: to my readers, which I hope will increase, please don’t take offence to my use of certain words….  And lastly, I know this may not be very grammatically correct as I’m not going to be editing this before posting.  It’s just a random post of what I’m thinking right now and that’s just what you’re going to get for now.

I’ll go into more detail later about some of the issues that have transpired at work.  For now, I’m off to take a nap to get ready to go into work tonight.

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