Can I Run Away?

Big surprise, I’ve been away for a while. Quite a while, really. Since I don’t have many readers I guess it’s not a big deal. Altgough I’m sure I would have more readers if I would post more but that’s something I’ve talked about before. 

Nonetheless, it’s always a good idea to be negative right out of the gate. But, that’s pretty much how I feel right now. It’s how I have felt for a while now. 

As I write this I’m sitting in my car with the air running in the parking lot of a Starbucks. 

Ok, change of location. Now I’m resting my iPad on the trunk of my y lifecar while I smoke a cigarit outside. Still, though, in the parking lot of a Starbucks. 

Since last posting there have been quite a few changes in my life. Pretty big changes.  All of which I plan to write about, have been planning to write about, as soon as I figure out how much I want to say. And as soon as I get out if this depression I have been in. At the moment the depression is pretty big and it is manifesting itself in anger. That is usually what happens for a while before the despair sets in. Though when the despair sets in I am still angry with people, and myself. Mainly with other people. 

Right now I really feel like I just want to run away. I have been feeling like that fir a while lately. I get the urge a lot, it seems.  

Yesterday I had a small fight with someone at work which really, really pissed me off. Then today there was a bigger fight with someone that just pisses me off. I’m not so much pissed at the lady today, I’m pissed about the fight and I think it’s a petty issue which really pisses me off the most. And I’m not apologizing for anything so…there you go. If space is what she wants then space is what she will get. 

I left work for an hour so I could wait before going back until she isn’t there anymore. I thought it was the best thing to do because had I stayed there and she tried to say anything to me I know I would end up saying something she wouldn’t like and something I would refuse to apologize for.  

The Car Makes me Feel – Part One

'96-'99_Mercedes-Benz_E320_Wagon

I’m in one of those moods.  I want to be alone, not seen.  I’m shy.  I’m stressed.  I think when I get stressed, and the Prozac wears off, I get this one.

But I’ve wanted to do a whole post about cars, cars I would like to have.  This, the 1996-1999 Mercedes-Benz E320 Wagon. One of the things I really like about this car, in this moment, I think, is the tinted windows.  I mean I also like the body style.  It’s big, but I normally don’t like big.

But I imagine it to be safe.  And secure.  And with the dark windows I feel more secure.  Private.  Alone.

I feel secure, like nobody could get to me.

And while it is not new, I do feel like it says something about the person driving it.  It says they have class.  Money.  They like the finer things in life.  And since I do have an inferiority complex it would be nice to have something like this.  That is a subject I should write more about.  And unpack with a therapist.

And I get that nice cozy safe feeling when I look at this picture, too.  And I’ve got to say how much I love the scene in which it sits.  It’s the cozy weekend getaway house in the country.  Or the house you escape to when you need a time-out from the crazy of life.  When you just need to get away.

I’m always wanting to get away.  To escape.

Mercedes-Benz-E320_Wagon-1999-800-03

And in this color it looks so regal and classy.  But it still needs the tint to be perfect.

xmas_wagon

And I love this picture.  This is the life I want.  The life I’m dreaming for.  For me and my boyfriend, who will eventually be my husband, to go bring home our real Christmas tree.  Wearing complimentary outfits that are hip and trendy.

Mercedes-Benz-E320-2002-1024-06

This is the interior of the 2002, the pictures above are the 97-99 models.  The next generation, the 2002, looks much so softer and nicer on the inside.  And let’s face it, that’s a very big deal.  I mean that is where we spend most of our time.  Not looking at it from the outside.  I like a nice interior.  This is nice.  I really like the steering wheel.  I’m strange.

There are other cars I like to.  Some of them I think I like better than the Mercedes.

BMW 5-Series E39 wagon

For some reason these BMWs pop into mind.  They seem more sporty than the Mercedes.  And this particular body style of BMW,the 1999 528i, is one that I really like.  I even like it in sedan.

1997 BMW 318I

I love blue.  This one be nice to have on the days I don’t mind being seen.

And I love the idea about having the car kept in the house.  I know, I’m strange.

 

 

 

 

1992 Volvo 240 Wagon 2

 

 

 

 

But then I keep coming back to this: the Volvo.  I just think I like them better, and I think they would be a better, safer car.

It was what I was brought home from the hospital in.  The first car I rode in.  A 1970-something blue wagon.  I just love a Volvo.  And it says “writer” to me.

I think I would like a mid 90s model wagon.  But this white one is a 1990ish.  Huge.  And nothing says writer more than this.  It’s an old car and you cannot judge my by the same standards as everyone else.  I’m a writer.  And artist.  And I walk to the beat of a different drum.  I don’t live in the same world as you.

No Change, Please

Written 1.27.14

This is totally not what I was going to write about right now but it’s a good topic that is really well overdue.

So like I have said before, I think…at least I meant to, there are several coffee shops in town.  While there are several, I only really like one of them.  Only one of them is home for me.

Man thinking on a train journey.

Man thinking on a train journey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I went to work at a decent hour like a good little boy this morning – I’m very proud of myself but I’ll talk about that.  Couple that with the fact that I ate lunch at my desk and that I’ve been very productive today, so far, I think I’m doing pretty damn good!

So, to reward myself – even though there’s a good chance I would do it regardless, but since I’ve done good today I’m calling it a reward – I decided to go to my coffee shop for a break and get some writing done.  This morning instead of writing I just went to work and I didn’t write my “Life Update” for this weekend so I wanted to do it today.

But there was one slight problem.  I could have gone back to my office and shut the door and done it there but I could have still been bothered and I really just wanted to get away.  I went to my coffee shop.  That’s when I ran into the problem.

They were CLOSED!

Not for good, just for “a while.”

Ok, so here’s the thing.  If you are one who pays attention to the health scores a restaurant gets…you would never know what I’m about to tell you.  Since I’m me, I know.  I totally know and I really shouldn’t be going there.

And here’s the other thing now that I have gotten off on this totally halfway related side trip about health scores and what I know.  

I love Chinese food but there are a lot of them that I’m kind of afraid of going to.  I’m not going to go into the details of why, but just google it and make sure your dog or cat is out of the room when you do.  They will have nightmares for years!

And it’s not just Chinese food.  There are a lot of restaurants that I’m afraid to go to.  My thinking is that the dining area or outside looks bad the the kitchen, the places customer’s can’t see, must only be worse.  And while the rational part of my brain realizes that isn’t necessarily true, it’s something I just can’t help thinking about.  Anyway.

So back to my point, if there ever was one to begin with.

I pulled up to the coffee shop and thought, “oh nice, they don’t look busy.”  There were only a couple cars in the parking lot other than those of the people I know who work there.

Well I get out of my car and walk up to the door and the sign reads “closed for technical issues.”

Ok, I knew they were not having a problem with their computer system.  No, whatever “technical” issues they were having had to be much, much worse.

In the past their “technical” issues was the plumbing pipes backed up inside the building!

Ok, gross much?  Yeah!  I know!

But does that stop me from getting coffee there?  No.  Strange when you think about it, really.

So I didn’t want to go back to the office so I went to one of the other coffee shops that I only go through the drive-thru at.  But, like I said, I didn’t want to go back to the office and write from there so I decided to go inside.

That is where I really get to the point of this post: I don’t fucking like change!

And keep in mind, I’m the guy who wants to move to another city and start over.  I do want change, major change, but it just feels so wrong here.  Hell, it feels wrong period but, I don’t know.

And one of the things I don’t like is this coffee shop is the one most frequented by the college kids and I just don’t like being around them.  I don’t like being around people who are younger than me.  I don’t know why, but I really don’t like it.  I don’t like being around most anybody, but especially them.  I feel like they are more judging than most.

But after I sit here for a little while it really isn’t that bad.  Well, I guess it could just be the table I got.  It’s a good one.  I like it.  I would feel different were I had a worse table.  Even though this one is near the registers I still feel better about it.  Plus it’s not right by the windows which for some reason makes me think I’m kind of hidden away a little.  I feel more secure and less seen.  Less out in the open.  I know that’s not true, but it doesn’t matter.  When you’re living with a mental illness rationality doesn’t matter.  All that matters is what is going on inside your brain and how you feel.

On another note, I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m tired and I would really like to go to bed right now.  Take a nap.  I might do that when I get off work but I don’t know yet.  Really it just depends on how I feel.  I’m going hope promptly at the time I’m supposed to today.  Not a minute over…even if I do end up staying “on break” a little longer than my hour lunch would allow.”

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Life Update – Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Maybe I should start calling these quick “what I’ve been up to” posts “Life Updates.”  That sounds better than what I was using.  Not that I remember what I was using.  It’s early.  In fact, it’s fucking early!

Early bird coffee queue #picnic09

Early bird coffee queue #picnic09 (Photo credit: @10)

It’s 7:46 in the morning.  Do you know how early that is for me?!?

The sun is rising, dew is still drenching the cars, and I’m not only out of bed but I’m dressed and at the coffee shop!  Like I’m all put together and presentable.  I’m ready for the day!

And this is actually the second day in a row that I have gotten up early.  Yesterday was because I needed to have a one-on-one with a dumbass at work.  As per the usual she denied any wrongdoing.  She did catch me a little off guard.  I could be wrong, but I highly doubt it.  That’s okay though, if she wants to play hardball we can do that.  She is either about to turn into a really good employee or it’s about to get ugly.  Either way, I’m tired of playing with her.

But now on to a better subject: me!

I worked my butt off yesterday.  I went in at 6 in the morning and didn’t leave until 6 at night.  But when I left I came to the coffee shop and went over reports for work!  So I worked all day.  I left to go home about 7:30ish and just got ready for bed.  I’m not sure why it took me so long, unless I left closer to 8, but I was crawling into bed at 8:30.  I took a 3mg Melatonin and slept!

I did wake up about 10:30 to pee and in one of those night-time sleep stupid stoopers I ate like 7 or 8 Kit Kat singles that I bought – and never should have – in the grocery store the other day because I was hungry when I went shopping.  I’ve been getting those lately, the sleep eating stoopers.  Well, here’s the thing.

I also know I haven’t been eating regularly and we already know I don’t have any self control, especially when I’m tired.  And when you wake up in the middle of a heavy sleep to go pee you are clearly tired.  At least I am.  If I feel stupid – like I’m in a sleep-stooper – I pretty much know I’ll be able to go back to sleep.  But sometimes when I wake up I’m hungry and if I have something quick and easy to eat, I usually will.

The other day it was chips and dip but last week it was making a turkey and ham sandwich with the lunch meat I had bought.  I know, good idea, right!  Anyway.

So I went back to bed and I had set my clock for something like 5:30 or 6.  I might have set one of the clocks for 5 but I sure didn’t get up.  I didn’t want to get up at 5:30 and I think I just hit the snooze button.  But then at 6 another clock went off and shortly after that the 3rd clock went off.  I actually got out of bed!  I’m fucking surprised.  But I did sleep for like 10+ hours.  My back was beginning to hurt from laying in bed so long.

And since I didn’t want to go to work this early, after going in so yearly yesterday and working so long, I decided to come to the coffee shop because I had to come here anyway.  I just decided to sit inside and write this blog.  Maybe I should start doing this every morning!

I’m going to try to start getting 8 hours of sleep every night and getting up early.  We will see how that works.  Otherwise, in order to get up early I might just have to start going to bed much earlier and trying to sleep longer.  We will see because I have got to do something to start getting to work on-time.  It’s 8:21 right now and I don’t really want to go to work but I think I should.  I have to be there should be there by 9 every morning.

That’s all folks.  Comment, subscribe via the email thingy.  If you have other comments or anything just send me at email to lifeonmygayisland at gmail dot com.  I look forward to hearing from you all!

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Sunday, June 9, 2013 – This Weekend Was Fun

Sunday, June 9, 2013 – Actually Monday morning at 12:17AM – This Weekend Was Fun

I didn’t do anything special, but this was a fun, relaxing weekend.

I had planned to get up around 10ish this morning (Sunday morning), however I did not.  I did not get up until 1.  And then at 2 I took a nap.  It was supposed to be a thirty minute nap, but it turned into a 2 hour nap.  I’m okay with that.

Yesterday, Saturday, I went to Sun City which is about an hour north of where I work and an hour and half north of where I live.  I like it there and I have to go there for work a lot but I never go to any of the stores or do anything other than pass through it when I go.  Yesterday I went to the mall and bookstore.  I didn’t go downtown, which I really like, but still, I enjoyed the city and had fun.  (Down town is pretty much an entirely different place compared to the rest of Sun City.)

I also went to Best Buy because I was looking for a new computer bag…and I just wanted to shop.

I’ve been thinking a lot about not spending money lately, and I haven’t spent that much.  But I did spend about $50 in the bookstore, and $20 on a pair of sunglasses.  I also bought some Van’s, which I really like, that were on sale for $30, but I didn’t.  And they were even in my new favorite color and I still resisted.

I figured I had already spent enough and I didn’t need any more shoes right now, which is all true.

While I was at Best Buy I found a laptop bag I thought I wanted and I was going to go back and get it if I didn’t find anything better in the mall.  For whatever reason, I did not return to get it after leaving the mall.  I think that is because I had decided to go to another city on Sunday and would go to the computer store and see what they had.  I thought they might have a bigger selection.

Well then on Sunday I didn’t get up in time to go…it’s about an hour south of where I live.  I did, however, end up going to Best Buy there and bought it.  It is Swiss Gear or Swiss Guard and I paid $79 for it.  I wanted something with a better name if I was going to spend that much but I went with it.  Now, I’m not sure I like it.  I will return it if I don’t…but I think Best Buy charges a restock fee for returns.  Actually, I returned something the other day and they didn’t.  It was a while back, not the other day, but still.

The thing I don’t like about it is that it feels top heavy…and it doesn’t sit on my shoulder right.  If it’s not going to be comfortable it will be returned.  But, it does have plenty of space for my stuff!

Oh, and the most exciting purchase I made on Saturday was a new Screaming Meanie alarm clock.  Truckers use them; they are super loud.  Maybe I can wake up on time now.  It was $35.

I’m having problems with either the internet or my computer, I’m not sure which.

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June 5, 2013 – So Far, So Good

Well I think I’m pissing some people off, but that’s okay.  They really haven’t seen anything yet.  It will be a little extra work for me, but that’s okay.

I didn’t get up at 6:30 like I had planned, but I did get to work by 9:30 which really, for me lately, isn’t that bad.  I was able to get things started like I wanted.  There is still a lot of work left to do today but we will just have to deal with a long day.  I, too, will have to deal with a long day.

It’s break time again.  And yes, I did upset a few people and more are to come.

So here’s the thing.  There is one guy who is really upset about some of the new rules and so far they don’t even affect him.  The funny thing is, while I don’t know he has stolen something from me, if I had to guess I would say he has.  And, on top of that, I know he would!

But the big thing with him is that he is friends with the other people…some of which I “know” has been taking things.  While I can’t prove it, I know I’m right.  I would love to be able to catch her.  In fact, there were some things that were left unattended last night when I left work and this morning they were not there.  I’m guessing she took them.  Somebody did and this one person in particular is about the phone one who was there.

One of the things I did figure out between yesterday and today is that I really do need to change my hiring practices.  But the area I am in is really difficult to hire good people – especially for what we pay.  While we don’t pay the absolute minimum, we don’t pay that much above it, either.  But there has got to be something I could do and I think some heads are really going to roll.  I don’t know if this will work but we will just have to sit back and see.

And this might not change anything.  And, some of the things I think people are taking are things I can’t really keep under lock and key.  That truly is the frustrating part.  Actually, that is one of two frustrating parts.  The other is that everyone involved, and who I think “might” be involved are friends.

Some of the new hiring practices are not that “far,” and by fair I mean “legal.”  I don’t want to go there but I really think I might need to.

I think I’ve rambled enough and had a long enough break.  I need to get back and take care of some of the other things I need to get done.  I have a lot of notes I need to make tonight and a lot of sorting through paper in my office that I need to do.  I still have a lot of paperwork…and cleaning…that needs to get done.

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June 4, 2013 – The Start of Something New?

So here’s the thing…I manage people.  That’s my big confession for today.

I know, right?  Can you fucking imagine?  A crazy person who doesn’t like people not only having to deal with people but having to actually manage them, too.

A the moment I’m taking a little break from work – at 8:07P-fucking-M – because I’m catching up on a lot of stuff I need to do…have been wanting to get done for a while.  I’m also doing a lot of work in one particular department because I think they’ve been fucking things up left, right, and center and I’ve got to get a handle on that.  Overall I think they’re doing well but there’s about to be a lot of changes all over the place.

I do have a lot left to do and there’s some important paperwork that I need to create and implement in order for part of the problems I’m trying to fix to remain solved.  It will take a little initial work on my part but I think after that we’ll be okay.  I just hope I get up in time in the morning and still feel like doing crap when I get back tonight.  I was hoping I could go to bed around 9 but clearly that will not happen.  Plus I’m hungry…I need to eat.  I’ll be doing really good to get into bed at 11:30 but at the moment that’s my goal.

There are a few things at work that I would like to get better at.  Lately I’ve been thinking about what I want to do next and if I do stay in this line of work, which I think will be the only way I can continue making the money I’m making…which isn’t much.  The only thing is, if I start doing something else I don’t know that I’ll be able to make as much and this is what I need – at least – to live.  And I don’t live a “nice” life….  Oh well.

Manic?

It is 1:27AM on Wednesday, April 24, 2013.

I think I might start saying when I actually write a post.  Some days, like today, I have been meaning to write a couple but I don’t want to post five entries in one day and then not post anything for the next five or more days.  I mean, I know I’ve said I was going to start writing more often and never do.  But…I really am going to try.

But leave me a comment!  Tell me what YOU would like me to do?  Would you rather me post things as soon as I write them even if it’s five things in one day?  I want to increase my followers and I’m just not sure if that would be a good thing or not.  I mean, I do want what I write to be read so…I’m thinking posting something every day might be good.  Just one post a day.  Then sometimes I might post two things in one day.  And I’m going to tell you now…don’t think I will post something EVERY day.  That just won’t happen.  I don’t think I can do that, especially right now.  And I don’t want to post variations on the same thing every day like “I’m feeling crazy” today.  Eventually that shit will get tired.

Look, this is just a work in progress.  I’m not completely sure what I’m going to do.  I think I’m rambling now.

Anyway.

I’ve wondering if I’m feeling a little manic right now.  Well, it’s not that I’m “feeling” a little manic, I just wonder if at the moment I’m not experiencing a state of mania.  This is why.

I was going to try going to bed earlier.  I had actually crawled into bed with my laptop at about 9:50 today.  (By tonight I so totally mean Tuesday night the 23rd because as far as I’m concerned it’s still Tuesday night because I haven’t sent to sleep yet.)  My plan was to read a few blogs that I found and then call it a night.  I was going to try to go to bed by 10:30 or 11 at the latest and, hopefully, get a good nights sleep.

Last night, Monday night, I did go to bed at midnight but I woke up at 3 with slight heartburn and having to pee.  Then I couldn’t go back to sleep until around 5.  I almost got up and said the hell with it and went to work but then I fell asleep.  Then I let my clock go off at 8, I think, and set it for 8:30 and the next thing I knew it was 9:30 and I should have been at work 30 minutes before I woke up.  That’s normally for me.  That’s something I really need to fucking change!

Anyway, back to tonight.  At almost 10 my boss texts me asking if I’m tried of the way this company does things.  She was trying to find out if I was past the point of no return yet or not.

I don’t really know what she would have done if I had said yes, and I’m not sure if talking to her about it would do any good.  More on that at a later time.

The point is I was somewhere I should not have been at the time she called.  I was supposed to be somewhere else (Vague, right? I know, this part of confusion is intentional but I’m keeping it that way for privacy matters.) so I got out of bed and left the place I should not have been because I didn’t want her calling me.

Anyway, I went back to my office and started doing some work.  I didn’t have anything better to do so I did.  I was going to clean things up a bit because, I swear.  My fucking office looks like a god damn file cabinet exploded in there and all the fucking paper humped like hell and multiplied like mother-fucking rabbits!  I mean it really is a problem.  If you want to talk about being unorganized, that is totally what my office looks like at the moment.

Anyway.  I did a little work and then left.  I came to the Diner where I have been for…at least 2 hours, drinking coffee and working.

Now the good thing is this: I needed to get this work done.  I needed a little extra time in my day.  Especially since I didn’t come into work today until 11 and I left around…hell, I don’t remember.  I think around 7 or 7:30, but still.  I have a lot I need to do.  It’s not like I went to work on time on Monday, either.  And I sure didn’t work past 6 because I had another date.  Did I write about that yet?  I don’t remember.  I did.  I think.  I think I went to the Coffee House and wrote about it today while I was on “lunch.”  Or was that yesterday.  See, I just can’t keep shit straight.  No, I know the answer to this, it’s an open book test.  I have the blog right in front of me so let me look.

Yes, it was today that I wrote about that…good for me.  So anyway.

The downside to this is that it is 2AM right now and I should be sleeping.  I do not do well getting up early, any day.  Especially on the days that I didn’t get much sleep!  I mean it’s nothing for me to sleep for 10 hours so getting only 4 or 5 hours just isn’t good for me.  Not to mention then I get really tired during the day and afternoon.

So back to right now.  I don’t know if this is mania or if I’m just concentrating and being productive.  What’s the difference?  How do you know what’s what? (I should totally look into that and write about it later.)

I know I have a problem concentrating.  And it’s usually late at night, I think, when I really can concentrate and get things done.  I mean sometimes at night and can go at it for a few hours on end and not be interrupted.  But most of the time, anytime, I will start something and then immediately get sidetracked.

The internet is the worst thing.  I can sit down to write and then end up going to YouTube or Amazon and looking at things and the next thing I know it’s 3 hours later and I’m halfway around the internet.  Then I end up getting tired or running out of time and I don’t write anything.  And the whole reason I sat down in the first place was to write something…or do something else that I just end of not doing.

But I’ve experienced this feeling before.  It’s almost like when I used to smoke pot.

Now I never smoked an illegal drug, but if I had this is how it made me feel.

I would go on and on and on talking for, what seemed like, hours on the stupidest subject.  I could go on endlessly about the way a blade of grass looked.  It was a very hard concentration.  I do wish I could get that feeling when I’m working during the day.  I would be much more productive if I could.

I’ve thought about looking into seeing if my doctor would put me on something for ADD because I REALLY think I have it.  I think I would be better at work if I took something like Adderall.  I don’t know.

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A Blast from the Past – Part Five – Randomness #3

Another old post, hope you enjoy.

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This was originally posted on 12.24.12

Randomness #3

 Earlier this week I was thinking if I didn’t get fired this week, maybe I should call Mr. Calm, my boss, and have a “confessional conversation” with him and explain some of the mental issues I have been dealing with for the past several months (about 6 to 8 months…but really it has been more like a year).  This is, after all, the reason for my lackluster performance.  All this stress of “am I getting fired,” “will I get fired,” is just getting to me and it’s stopping me from doing the things I really need to do so I don’t get fired…if I haven’t done anything big enough, so far.

Then I was thinking, maybe I’m just being too hard on myself.  He doesn’t know – and I hope he doesn’t find out – some of the “secrets and details” of some of the things I’ve done…or not done.  (Keep in mind, none of the things I’ve done is illegal; they are just things I’ve done that are against company policy.  Well…there might be one thing I’ve allowed that is against labor laws…but I didn’t ask, they just volunteered.  I’ll go into that on a completely different blog because it deserves an entry of its own.)

Keep in mind, if I did have that conversation with him, I wouldn’t tell him all the details, and I can’t think of too many that are really that big with the exception of two…or three.  (Again, another blog.)

The only other problem I would have is dealing with all the little things that keep popping up when someone does something wrong and makes a mistake.  Although, I could correct a lot of this by working longer hours and working with people and training them better., then if I really had to, if people kept making the same mistakes over and over I could write them up and get rid of them.  But I really wouldn’t want to do that because I don’t want to fire one of the people I might have to because I really like her.

So basically I’m now thinking I shouldn’t have that talk with him.  I should only try that talk if…he comes down to ask my why he shouldn’t fire me.

I do wish I knew how much my unemployment check would be and how long it would take to start collecting.  But I don’t even know if I would qualify because my company is notorious on doing everything possible to keep from having to pay benefits – big surprise.  They would probably use the phrase “failure to follow company policy” which I’ve heard is the phrase to you so people can’t collect.  And to be honest, it would aptly apply in my case.  I have failed to follow company policy.

But the laws of Unemployment Benefits have a huge flaw when it comes to people with mental illness and depression.  Sometimes, it’s not that people are lazy or they don’t care enough to do the right thing and follow company policy, but they can’t because of their mental issues that they can’t really get adequate help for!  I’m sure there are some tests I could have that would help both me and the doctors and therapists help me better.  Not only can I not afford to go to some of the people I need to, but I also can’t afford the tests that would probably help.  And how would I get the time off work to do some of these longer tests.  My bosses aren’t going to want to know that I need time off because I’m a mental case who needs lots and lots of help!  They are going to want to get rid of me and find somebody who isn’t crazy!

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A Blast from the Past – Part Three – Randomness #1

Another old post, hope you enjoy.

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This was originally posted 12.21.09

Randomness

 I’m at work right now but I really don’t want to do anything productive.  That’s the problem I’ve had several times when I worked this shift in past months.  During the past couple of months, I’ve had my assistant work this shift when someone was sick or needed a day off…which hasn’t been very often which is a good thing.  For the longest time, I was doing it myself and I even did it for about a month straight when our weekend person quit and I had to find her replacement.  I’m thinking the part time person I hired to replace the last one isn’t going to be able to work nights much longer…but that might not be my problem.

I’ve been trying to think of ways I could cut down my expenses if I do lose my job but I’m not looking forward to it.  I should have saved money but didn’t.  It’s very hard for me to save money because I am a spender.  I hope to find another job with this same salary, $35,000 a year plus bonuses that ended up being around $2,300 a year, when I leave this job.  I really want to save money then!  I need to cut down what I spend so I can save money.  One of the things I want to cut down is my cell phone bill.

I’ve been spending about $130 a month for my BlackBerry but I really don’t need that phone.  I haven’t gotten rid of it yet, though, because I love it!  I am SO a CrackBerry Addict!  There are so many things you can do with that phone, and I love the keyboard!  It’s hard to decide which I love better…the internet or the keyboard.  I can write things I think of at any time because I don’t need a pen and paper.  I can make notes of things I need to do or books I see in the bookstore that I want to get later or find at amazon.com at a lower price.  I can also get on the internet anytime and I’ve used it to look up numbers and address and even directions of places I’ve been going.  I just love that phone!  Oh, and I can connect it to my laptop and have regular internet on my computer no matter where I am.

There are some people in the back building and I’m not sure what they are doing.  I’ve seen them sitting outside their room several times and just a few minutes ago I saw a lady throwing clothes downstairs and a couple of people getting into the car so I thought they were having a fight.  Now I’m not sure.

Okay, they just came down and I think something is going on.  They just checked out early but I didn’t look to see when they checked in.  His eyes looked a little bloodshot so I thought me might be on drugs, but I could be wrong.  After I gave him a receipt, he said he had a couple questions.  He then asked what would happen if a hotel employee got into a fight with his wife.  I was thinking “oh shit” because Sherry Ann worked the last shift.  Then he said it wasn’t this hotel and the hotel worked punched and kicked his wife.  I told him I didn’t know, it depends on the hotel policy but the GM knows and asked them to leave…so I’m guess there’s nothing he can do besides possible legal actions.

Back to my phone, in January I can upgrade my phone and at that time I think I’m actually downgrade it to a regular phone.  That should save me around $80 or $85 a month.  Right now I have 900 minutes and 5 numbers I can call without using any of my minutes.  I can use my house phone more and only use the cell when it’s work related…provided I still have this job.

I also saw at Wal-Mart a Straight Talk phone which would only be $45 a month with unlimited minutes.  If more and more of these types of phone plans come out which don’t require a contract, I think it will change the cellular phone world.  Other than have a nicer, better phone with more features and options, I’m not sure why you would want to get locked into a 2 year contract when you don’t even get unlimited minutes at such a low price.  For me to cut my plan down to a regular phone at the $39.99 monthly price which only gives 450 minutes, I would still be paying about $45 a month after taxes.  I would probably have to change my phone number, but that’s not such a big deal.

One of the biggest and easiest ways I could save money would be to stop eating out so much: this would help my budget and my health.  For several months I’ve been buying more food and cooking at home some, but I haven’t cooked that much because I’m just so mentally drained when I get home that I don’t feel like it.  Then, on the weekends, I don’t have the energy to cook.  I’m still not totally sure if that’s because I’m lazy or because I’m depressed.  At the least, it has to be a mix of both.  Otherwise, it’s just because I’m depressed.

The other thing I can do is quit the impulse buys!

The Universal Access Health Care bill just passed the Senate.  I’m not sure that was a good thing or not.  I don’t think it’s good enough and it has caused – or in the days to come – will cause an even greater divide among Republicans and Democrats which might cause Democrats to lose control in 2010 and it might even cause President Obama to lose a reelection in 2012.  What I’m also afraid of is that the insurance companies are going to end up winning, or finding a way to win, so they don’t lose money.  I think what we really need is insurance company reform!  I just don’t think our health should be a profit-driven business!  I think everyone should have equal access for health care.  I think we should have something like some of the other developed nations have – Universal Healthcare!  We should look at all the models out there and pick the best parts of each.  Another thing I’m worried about is the cost to me.  Dad said something about we would have to pay a lot for it and if we didn’t we would be fined.  For most people, if they could afford individual health insurance plans they would buy them.  I know I’ve looked into it before and the cost is outrageous!

As an update to what I posed last about the possibility of being fired on Monday, my boss didn’t check in tonight, he does live about 7 hours away, and he does have his weekly Monday conference call with the Home Office so maybe I won’t be.  Then he could fly in tomorrow…or the VP could fly in and do the deed himself.  But, I won’t be here past 12 because I have to work until 12P and then I’m going home and going to bed!  Actually, if I have energy – which I don’t think I will – I will fill out some applications.  I think I’ll just have to save that for Saturday…but the day after Christmas might not be the best time but at least the GM’s will have them on Monday morning.

Again, no editing…hope I didn’t f it up too many things!