A Blah Day

(Written 1.1.15)

This is not the start to anything new…certainly not the start to anything good.

I feel very…blah…today. I’m in one of those moods where I don’t want to be around people. Nothing new. And my face is set in

blah...

blah… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

that resting frown. It’s a face I have a lot. A face I have when it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m in a bad mood. Just calm and, sometimes, okay not to be bothered.

And while sometimes it is a face that really means I’m peaceful and okay, just calm and slightly sedate, today that isn’t what it means.

Because deeper, I just want to be left alone. Part of me just wants to crawl under the covers in a cool bedroom, and part of me just wants to cry.

I’ve been wanting to cry a lot, lately.

And being in this unproductive mood does not lend itself well to what I had planned to do today.

I didn’t come to work until 3, and I’m not making big plans or spectacular New Year’s Resolutions. All I want to do is get my stuff in order. Get my life in order. I want to start living the life that I want to live and I want to start living the life I know, at least really think, I’m capable to live.

To do that, things will have to be done differently. To do that, it will be difficult. Considering the mental state I’m currently in, it will be extremely difficult but I want to fight with everything that I have in me to make it happen. I want to become the person that I want to be and the person I really think I can become. I want to do great things like everyone used to tell me I was capable of and that I would do.

My plan for today was to clean and organize my office. It’s not dirty, but very unorganized. I have papers, some in neat piles, some not so much, all over the place. My filing system has gone to shit. It doesn’t look like the office of a person who is leading a company and knows what he’s doing. It looks like the home of someone who has given up on life and doesn’t have a handle on the future. As it were, that would be a pretty apropos description of me.

Now it’s January 2nd

So now it’s the next day.

I might have been writing the beginning of this post while I was still at work and at some point I got distracted. I think I started working again but cleaning and organizing wasn’t part of it.

Then I went home. And today I was too busy to do it. And “after work” when I could have stayed, I didn’t.

Sun-Cured Prozac

I don’t think the Prozac I found is working. I think it might be expired. I know it’s not “expired,” but I’m not so sure it’s chemically “good” now.

Sometimes it gets scary.

When I drink a lot, well, back when I was drinking regularly, I could tell when I was approaching “that place.” You know the feeling when you start to have a conversation with yourself that goes something like this….

Wow, I feel really good right now. Like, really fucking good. I am shitface and just don’t care. But if I stop right now I’ll be okay. If I stop right now and focus I will be able to hold it down and not puke my guts out. But if I keep going, if I have just one more drink – or maybe one more sip of the drink I currently have – I will lose it and end up upchucking somewhere.

I’ve had that conversation a few times with myself. I’m kind of a light-weight drunk because I don’t drink that often. I don’t drink unless I can drink enough to “feel good.” I don’t see the point in drinking otherwise. I really just drink to get drink – or a little tipsy. But the point is I know when I’m getting to that place where I need to stop otherwise it will stop being fun. Likewise, I can tell right now I’m getting close to that mental place where if I don’t start taking my Prozac again shit will get scary. Real scary!

Some people wonder why we don’t take our medicine every day. I can’t really answer that and I honestly don’t think anybody can because the relationship we have with our medication is different for everyone. I can tell you that part of the reason I don’t take mine is because I forget it. I know that doesn’t make since but I really do. Then when the prescription gets low I start missing days to make it last longer.

It’s kind of hard to describe how I feel when things are getting bad but there definitely is a feeling to it. My whole body feels different. My mind certainly feels different. My physical body feels different and then my mind starts going to all the bad places that it doesn’t need to go. My mind will lead me down a path of despair and, what I fear, eventual destruction.

I have 2 cars, one of which no longer runs so it has been sitting in the driveway.  I haven’t decided if I’m going to get it fixed or just get rid of it.  I’m sort of using it for storage right now but most of what is in it is trash that I could just git rid of.  (I need to do that soon.)  Last week I was looking for something that I thought was in there.  The car has been sitting for about 6 months now.  I found wanted I needed but I also found a Prozac bottle with a few pills left in it…maybe 15 or 18.  I decided to start taking them because I thought it was better than nothing which is what I currently had.  Either it’s taking a while for them to get into my system or the sun, over at least 6 months, have done something to them.  I know, I know…I shouldn’t leave medicine in the car and I shouldn’t take them now.  The “things I shouldn’t do” boat left a long time ago so there’s no use, don’t even say it.

It will be another 2 weeks before I can make an appointment because that will be when I will have the money, but when I do make the appointment I’m going to get it and, this time, start taking it every day. I think I’m a little more organized now so hopefully I can remember to take it each day. If I’m going to do any of the other things that I want to do – I’m working on writing that post now – I will have to start taking my medicine every single day.

 

The Car Makes me Feel – Part One

'96-'99_Mercedes-Benz_E320_Wagon

I’m in one of those moods.  I want to be alone, not seen.  I’m shy.  I’m stressed.  I think when I get stressed, and the Prozac wears off, I get this one.

But I’ve wanted to do a whole post about cars, cars I would like to have.  This, the 1996-1999 Mercedes-Benz E320 Wagon. One of the things I really like about this car, in this moment, I think, is the tinted windows.  I mean I also like the body style.  It’s big, but I normally don’t like big.

But I imagine it to be safe.  And secure.  And with the dark windows I feel more secure.  Private.  Alone.

I feel secure, like nobody could get to me.

And while it is not new, I do feel like it says something about the person driving it.  It says they have class.  Money.  They like the finer things in life.  And since I do have an inferiority complex it would be nice to have something like this.  That is a subject I should write more about.  And unpack with a therapist.

And I get that nice cozy safe feeling when I look at this picture, too.  And I’ve got to say how much I love the scene in which it sits.  It’s the cozy weekend getaway house in the country.  Or the house you escape to when you need a time-out from the crazy of life.  When you just need to get away.

I’m always wanting to get away.  To escape.

Mercedes-Benz-E320_Wagon-1999-800-03

And in this color it looks so regal and classy.  But it still needs the tint to be perfect.

xmas_wagon

And I love this picture.  This is the life I want.  The life I’m dreaming for.  For me and my boyfriend, who will eventually be my husband, to go bring home our real Christmas tree.  Wearing complimentary outfits that are hip and trendy.

Mercedes-Benz-E320-2002-1024-06

This is the interior of the 2002, the pictures above are the 97-99 models.  The next generation, the 2002, looks much so softer and nicer on the inside.  And let’s face it, that’s a very big deal.  I mean that is where we spend most of our time.  Not looking at it from the outside.  I like a nice interior.  This is nice.  I really like the steering wheel.  I’m strange.

There are other cars I like to.  Some of them I think I like better than the Mercedes.

BMW 5-Series E39 wagon

For some reason these BMWs pop into mind.  They seem more sporty than the Mercedes.  And this particular body style of BMW,the 1999 528i, is one that I really like.  I even like it in sedan.

1997 BMW 318I

I love blue.  This one be nice to have on the days I don’t mind being seen.

And I love the idea about having the car kept in the house.  I know, I’m strange.

 

 

 

 

1992 Volvo 240 Wagon 2

 

 

 

 

But then I keep coming back to this: the Volvo.  I just think I like them better, and I think they would be a better, safer car.

It was what I was brought home from the hospital in.  The first car I rode in.  A 1970-something blue wagon.  I just love a Volvo.  And it says “writer” to me.

I think I would like a mid 90s model wagon.  But this white one is a 1990ish.  Huge.  And nothing says writer more than this.  It’s an old car and you cannot judge my by the same standards as everyone else.  I’m a writer.  And artist.  And I walk to the beat of a different drum.  I don’t live in the same world as you.

No Change, Please

Written 1.27.14

This is totally not what I was going to write about right now but it’s a good topic that is really well overdue.

So like I have said before, I think…at least I meant to, there are several coffee shops in town.  While there are several, I only really like one of them.  Only one of them is home for me.

Man thinking on a train journey.

Man thinking on a train journey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I went to work at a decent hour like a good little boy this morning – I’m very proud of myself but I’ll talk about that.  Couple that with the fact that I ate lunch at my desk and that I’ve been very productive today, so far, I think I’m doing pretty damn good!

So, to reward myself – even though there’s a good chance I would do it regardless, but since I’ve done good today I’m calling it a reward – I decided to go to my coffee shop for a break and get some writing done.  This morning instead of writing I just went to work and I didn’t write my “Life Update” for this weekend so I wanted to do it today.

But there was one slight problem.  I could have gone back to my office and shut the door and done it there but I could have still been bothered and I really just wanted to get away.  I went to my coffee shop.  That’s when I ran into the problem.

They were CLOSED!

Not for good, just for “a while.”

Ok, so here’s the thing.  If you are one who pays attention to the health scores a restaurant gets…you would never know what I’m about to tell you.  Since I’m me, I know.  I totally know and I really shouldn’t be going there.

And here’s the other thing now that I have gotten off on this totally halfway related side trip about health scores and what I know.  

I love Chinese food but there are a lot of them that I’m kind of afraid of going to.  I’m not going to go into the details of why, but just google it and make sure your dog or cat is out of the room when you do.  They will have nightmares for years!

And it’s not just Chinese food.  There are a lot of restaurants that I’m afraid to go to.  My thinking is that the dining area or outside looks bad the the kitchen, the places customer’s can’t see, must only be worse.  And while the rational part of my brain realizes that isn’t necessarily true, it’s something I just can’t help thinking about.  Anyway.

So back to my point, if there ever was one to begin with.

I pulled up to the coffee shop and thought, “oh nice, they don’t look busy.”  There were only a couple cars in the parking lot other than those of the people I know who work there.

Well I get out of my car and walk up to the door and the sign reads “closed for technical issues.”

Ok, I knew they were not having a problem with their computer system.  No, whatever “technical” issues they were having had to be much, much worse.

In the past their “technical” issues was the plumbing pipes backed up inside the building!

Ok, gross much?  Yeah!  I know!

But does that stop me from getting coffee there?  No.  Strange when you think about it, really.

So I didn’t want to go back to the office so I went to one of the other coffee shops that I only go through the drive-thru at.  But, like I said, I didn’t want to go back to the office and write from there so I decided to go inside.

That is where I really get to the point of this post: I don’t fucking like change!

And keep in mind, I’m the guy who wants to move to another city and start over.  I do want change, major change, but it just feels so wrong here.  Hell, it feels wrong period but, I don’t know.

And one of the things I don’t like is this coffee shop is the one most frequented by the college kids and I just don’t like being around them.  I don’t like being around people who are younger than me.  I don’t know why, but I really don’t like it.  I don’t like being around most anybody, but especially them.  I feel like they are more judging than most.

But after I sit here for a little while it really isn’t that bad.  Well, I guess it could just be the table I got.  It’s a good one.  I like it.  I would feel different were I had a worse table.  Even though this one is near the registers I still feel better about it.  Plus it’s not right by the windows which for some reason makes me think I’m kind of hidden away a little.  I feel more secure and less seen.  Less out in the open.  I know that’s not true, but it doesn’t matter.  When you’re living with a mental illness rationality doesn’t matter.  All that matters is what is going on inside your brain and how you feel.

On another note, I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m tired and I would really like to go to bed right now.  Take a nap.  I might do that when I get off work but I don’t know yet.  Really it just depends on how I feel.  I’m going hope promptly at the time I’m supposed to today.  Not a minute over…even if I do end up staying “on break” a little longer than my hour lunch would allow.”

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Life Update – Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Maybe I should start calling these quick “what I’ve been up to” posts “Life Updates.”  That sounds better than what I was using.  Not that I remember what I was using.  It’s early.  In fact, it’s fucking early!

Early bird coffee queue #picnic09

Early bird coffee queue #picnic09 (Photo credit: @10)

It’s 7:46 in the morning.  Do you know how early that is for me?!?

The sun is rising, dew is still drenching the cars, and I’m not only out of bed but I’m dressed and at the coffee shop!  Like I’m all put together and presentable.  I’m ready for the day!

And this is actually the second day in a row that I have gotten up early.  Yesterday was because I needed to have a one-on-one with a dumbass at work.  As per the usual she denied any wrongdoing.  She did catch me a little off guard.  I could be wrong, but I highly doubt it.  That’s okay though, if she wants to play hardball we can do that.  She is either about to turn into a really good employee or it’s about to get ugly.  Either way, I’m tired of playing with her.

But now on to a better subject: me!

I worked my butt off yesterday.  I went in at 6 in the morning and didn’t leave until 6 at night.  But when I left I came to the coffee shop and went over reports for work!  So I worked all day.  I left to go home about 7:30ish and just got ready for bed.  I’m not sure why it took me so long, unless I left closer to 8, but I was crawling into bed at 8:30.  I took a 3mg Melatonin and slept!

I did wake up about 10:30 to pee and in one of those night-time sleep stupid stoopers I ate like 7 or 8 Kit Kat singles that I bought – and never should have – in the grocery store the other day because I was hungry when I went shopping.  I’ve been getting those lately, the sleep eating stoopers.  Well, here’s the thing.

I also know I haven’t been eating regularly and we already know I don’t have any self control, especially when I’m tired.  And when you wake up in the middle of a heavy sleep to go pee you are clearly tired.  At least I am.  If I feel stupid – like I’m in a sleep-stooper – I pretty much know I’ll be able to go back to sleep.  But sometimes when I wake up I’m hungry and if I have something quick and easy to eat, I usually will.

The other day it was chips and dip but last week it was making a turkey and ham sandwich with the lunch meat I had bought.  I know, good idea, right!  Anyway.

So I went back to bed and I had set my clock for something like 5:30 or 6.  I might have set one of the clocks for 5 but I sure didn’t get up.  I didn’t want to get up at 5:30 and I think I just hit the snooze button.  But then at 6 another clock went off and shortly after that the 3rd clock went off.  I actually got out of bed!  I’m fucking surprised.  But I did sleep for like 10+ hours.  My back was beginning to hurt from laying in bed so long.

And since I didn’t want to go to work this early, after going in so yearly yesterday and working so long, I decided to come to the coffee shop because I had to come here anyway.  I just decided to sit inside and write this blog.  Maybe I should start doing this every morning!

I’m going to try to start getting 8 hours of sleep every night and getting up early.  We will see how that works.  Otherwise, in order to get up early I might just have to start going to bed much earlier and trying to sleep longer.  We will see because I have got to do something to start getting to work on-time.  It’s 8:21 right now and I don’t really want to go to work but I think I should.  I have to be there should be there by 9 every morning.

That’s all folks.  Comment, subscribe via the email thingy.  If you have other comments or anything just send me at email to lifeonmygayisland at gmail dot com.  I look forward to hearing from you all!

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A Journal Entry – 12.22.13

Two posts in one day!  If you haven’t already, be sure to check out the one called “Douchebags Among Us.

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So last night after sitting at the coffee house for a while, and writing and posting a post, I decided to go to my friend’s house.  She lives in a town about an hour away from where I’m at right now.  I think one of the main reasons I wanted to go was because I wanted to go to the bookstore.  We have a bookstore where I live/work but I like the other one better.  I just like not being in the town I live/work in so, you have that.

So here’s the thing.  I work in town B and I live in town A.  Town A and B are about a half hour apart.  I’m staying, for the moment, in town B because I need a break.  I’ve thought about moving here because this is where I work and most of my life is but I really hate the place.

And I don’t really know what I even mean when I say “most of my life is here now”.  My doctor is in town A, my pharmacist is in town A.  My home is in town A.  I get my haircut in town B and I work in town B.  I have one friend in town A that I would like to visit more but don’t.  I have one friend in town B who we ocassionally go shopping together but we could still do that even if I lived in town A.  I could still go visit my one friend in town A if I lived in town B.  I have two friends.  One in each town.

There is nothing keeping me in town A except for my bedroom.  There is nothing keeping me in town B except for my job.

And when I say “my home” is in town A I don’t mean my “home” just where I’m “living” right now.  It’s where my bedroom is and where I spend the occasional day off.  That’s a whole other thing to write about but I’ll to it later.

So I guess maybe the only reason I’m in town B is because of work.  And I fucking hate town B!  I hate it with a passion!  I hate the people here.  The small-mindedness.  The…the…I just hate it.  And I’m not even going to talk about the gay boys here but, lets me honest, I’d probably have that problem everywhere right now.

And lets talk about the gay boys for a minute.  Fuck Them!  If they are in town B, that is.  Fuck all the gay boys in town B!

I think I’m just going to take myself off the market for a while.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I’m just done.  I’m not looking anymore.  And I’m going to close all my “socal” accounts for “dating.”  I’m going to take myself off the market for a while because I’ve got to make some changes.  I’ve got to deal with some issues.  I’ve got to figure some shit out!  There is having baggage and then there’s me.  The shit I have, I think, is way more than just baggage and I need to clean that shit up before I try to date.  Plus I don’t want to get attached to anybody here because I want to get the fuck out of this goddamn town, and area, quick fast and in a fucking big ass hurry!

So I went to town C last night which is about a hour away from town B.  While I was there I also wanted to go to Best Buy, which I did.

I didn’t buy anything.  I almost bought another iPhone charger because I think I need one more since I upgraded to the new 5S, which I’m in love with, btw.  I looked at and almost bought another iPhone case but I know I would have ended up not liking it as much as the one I have now so I didn’t.  I didn’t buy anything.  I didn’t find anything I really wanted and I didn’t make an impulse purchase.  I did want to go to Staples but I didn’t get there in time to find one.  I don’t like the new one in town B because it’s in the ghetto.  I know, I’m a bitch but they moved to the wrong side of the tracks.  Maybe I’ll explain that later.  I know, I already said I was a bitch.

I did go to the Chinese restaurant that I like to go to when I’m in C.  I hope I wasn’t eating cat.  I tweeted a picture about it.  Go check it out.  Feel free to follow me on twitter.  #happyface.

I did not go to the bookstore.  I’m not sure why but today I am kind of wishing I had.  Well, here’s the thing with that.

I kind of do this a lot.  I will get the idea to go somewhere.  To some store.  It doesn’t really matter what store and I don’t always know when it’s going to happen.  When I’m not alone this never happens but when I am by myself it does.  I will drive all the way there.  It doesn’t matter if it’s close or an hour away.  I will drive there and sometimes even get to the parking lot and park my car.  Then I will think, “nope, can’t do it.”  I don’t go in.

I get this feeling that I just don’t want to get out of my car and have to deal with people.  I don’t want to be seen.  And I don’t go.  It’s another one of those things I need to unpack with a therapist.

After eating I went to my friend’s house.  While I was with her two different things happened with prompted two different posts I will later be writing and posting.  One will be called “I Stood Up to Her” and the other is a condom story that I haven’t thought of a name for yet.

Then, while I was driving to C, before I ever got there, something else happened which I will have to write about called “She Doesn’t Like Me.”  I think all three posts will be good and I hope you find them entertaining.  I also hope I find it therapeutic to write about.

After leaving her house about 12:30 I got home around 1:30 and didn’t go to bed until 5 in the morning.  Then I slept until 2.  Tomorrow is Monday and I need to get up early to get something done for work.  That means I cannot sleep until 11 in the fucking morning because my boss nicely asked me to please get this done as soon as possible Monday morning and I would really like to have it done for my by 8AM.  I would like to have it done and waiting for him in his email inbox by the time he gets to work.  Hopefully I won’t be a complete fucking loser tomorrow morning.

But it is Christmas week and I can already see me taking it easy at work this week.  We will see what actually happens.

Is This Anxiety?

I might have given my computer a sort of big bump and I swear I think it’s running a little slower now. I’m working on a whole post about how I want a new computer and if I keep this crap up I’ll really need one.

Coffee cup

Coffee cup (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

So I was supposed to post at least one blog already…several days ago…and then I planned on posting two blogs this weekend. That would have given me 4 for this week which is what I wanted. Well, as you can see that didn’t happen. But right now I’m up at the coffee shop and I want to talk about this for a minute.

There are 4 coffee shops in town that I know of. One I really like, one I really don’t like because it’s not in the best area because there is absolutely no shad on the small patio. The small patio that only has a few tables. The whole place is small. There is almost nowhere to sit because it is usually busy and all the space is taken.

There are two others in a nice area but 12 miles away…one way. While I don’t mind driving, I just never go to those because they are a bit far away. One of them is really nice but all the hipsters and rich people go there and I have such a problem being in there because I feel so bad. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb and I just don’t belong. I don’t fit. I feel like everybody would be staring at me. I feel like everybody is staring at me. I feel like I’m so hideous. And today I really feel like I don’t look good so that is another reason I wouldn’t want to go.

I was supposed to get up this morning and go to my friend’s house about an hour away from where I am right now because her husband needs to fix something for me. I wanted to get up early but I didn’t set my clock and I did wake up a couple times this morning but just rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to sleep in and stay away from everybody. I didn’t want to be seen and I didn’t want to be bothered. I didn’t get up until 1. This afternoon.

I don’t know why I’m so depressed right now. There is no other explanation for it, I am depressed and I don’t know why. I took my medicine yesterday and the day before and the day before that. I have been taking it this week like I’m supposed to. I know I’ve taken it for the last 3 days and I think I have taken it all week! I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t like it. It would be one thing if I weren’t taking my Prozac like I’m supposed to because I would have an explanation for what is going on. Right now I don’t.

And as I sit up here right now I’m wondering if what I’m experiencing and feeling is anxiety. The problem with this coffee shop is that it is right off the interstate. The other problem with this coffee shop, which I’m glad they have because it means business is good and the economy must not be in the total crapper, they are busy right now. It’s only a few days before the holidays and they are busy with all the people getting off the interstate to get coffee. But there are so many people coming and going and it’s just freaking me out!

I don’t want to go home because I’ll just sleep some more and won’t get anything done. I might get some writing done, but the chances are drastically reduced. But sitting up here is just driving me crazy.

One of the things I do is keep my earbuds in listening to music. Sometimes I will just put on an ambient noise app to drown everything out. The earbuds I use aren’t noise cancelling but I need to get some that are just for times like this. The only problem with the ambient noise app is sometimes finding one that doesn’t hurt my ears. I have to turn it so loud with these earbuds to actually conceal the noise that it will occasionally be too loud not to hurt or make me even that much more crazy. I have run into that problem a couple of times; the app is loud enough to enter in another noise problem but not loud enough, with these particular earbuds, to drown out the other noise which makes me crazy because of all the different noises I’m hearing. I know…it’s all a bit strange.

But this is also what I do when I’m in the store. Especially Walmart!

I don’t like the noise and the crowd and it’s such a bad grade of people in the particular Walmart I have to go to so I try to get rid of all that distraction and interference with my sanity that I wear by sunglasses if it’s still light out and I wear by earbuds. Most of the time when I’m in the store though I either listen to music, or must often, I listen to a podcast or the audio book I’m listening to at the time.

This blog has turned into a great big ol ramble!

But is this anxiety, or social anxiety if there is a thing, that I’m experiencing?

I often eat in my car so I can be alone. Plus I don’t always like to be seen eating. It’s a thing, I know.

When I left the house to come up here I thought I would sit outside because it was a nice day. I did for a while but it began to get cool and the gnats started coming out so I moved inside. I had to come in for more coffee and I was either going to move inside, if I could find a spot I liked, or I was going to go home. My spot was finally open, it wasn’t when I first got here, so I was happy. I’m okay here in my spot. Still a little overwhelmed by all the people but it’s not as bad. This is where I always sit. At least where I always sit when it’s open. Sometimes I will use one of the comfy chairs but most of the time it’s at this big table.

You would think, since I don’t like to be around a lot of people I wouldn’t sit at the biggest table in the house but I do. I like to spread my stuff out when I’m not just writing on the computer and it’s comfy. It’s usual. It’s my spot!

And sweaters help. I don’t know why but they just do. It’s another reason I like winter. I like being covered up.

So I think I’ve ran this post into the ground as much as I can. I also think I’m going to run to my friends house and drop off what I need fixed, and try not to stay very long. Then I think I’ll go into town and go to the bookstore. I might go to the Chinese restaurant where I like to eat when I’m there.

Oh, and this reminds me of another story I need to write about. The Bathhouse.

So I’ve said I wanted to write about my sex life and this is certainly one of those stories. It isn’t something I’m proud of, it’s it is something. It is something I have done in the past and hopefully will not do in the future but I’m not going to lie and say I’m not occasionally tempted. Hell, I was tempted earlier this week.

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12.15.13 – Random Update

So I might have done something this weekend, but you will have to wait to hear about that.  Instead, let me tell you what I did this weekend.

I had planned on going to the library or the new coffee shop in town on Saturday morning to get some work done.  I wanted to write the post which I didn’t do earlier.  In my last post I said that I wanted to get the blog for the next day started if not completely finished.  It was about my sex life.  Well, it was really late by the time I got the one I did post finished and posted and I think I went home and just watched TV.  That was Thursday night.

On Friday night I did part of the stupid thing that was totally turned down, a bit harshly, I might add, and was just depressed.  So instead of staying at the coffee shop I normally go to almost every night I went home depressed and started catching up on Scandal.  (I’m completely addicted to that show, btw.)

When I went home I was so depressed that I could have almost cried.  Like that is totally what I wanted to do.  So I guess I will tell you that story, but it still isn’t the really stupid thing that I did.

So I’m on the hookup sites.  Well, I was.  I have been on them for a while.  I had my real picture on there for a while and I did hook-up with a couple of people but I got depressed and discouraged and deleted my accounts.  I can’t really remember but that might have been around the time I was ending things with SBBC, which I will tell you about later.

Some time later, I don’t remember how much later, I got back on the sites but this time I didn’t put my picture.  I would send my picture when I started a conversation with someone to see if they were interested.  Nine times out of ten they never were after I sent my picture.

Now I have told you how I look before.  I’m not hideous but I think to the gay community I am.  Getting turned down all the fucking time will really wear on you.

So there is this guy that I have seen on one of the sites and we have talked before.  The last time we talked, which was also the first time we talked, he said that he did want to hook up because I asked him if he wanted a blow job and he said just but was very busy with going to the gym and then having to study when he got home.  I did not say no, he said he was thinking about it but really needed to get some stuff done.

So a while later I messaged him again and he did not respond.  I almost didn’t message him Friday night but decided to give it a try.  What can I say, I was fucking horny.  I’ve been very horny lately.

Well he replied back using my name.  I was wondering how he got my fucking name but he said I had also contacted him on another site and he kept turning me down.  Well, I don’t fucking remember this and I know I never saw his fucking picture on the other site.  To my knowledge, this site we were on Friday was the only site I saw him or talked to him on.

He proceeded to tell me that he has been trying to turn me down nicely but I keep persisting.  He said “Mark, man I told you I’m not interested.”

Well, he never fucking told me that.

There is another site that is popular that I also use and I am always turned down on that site.  But I never saw his picture and he never told me it was him.  I have a lot of people that as soon as I send them my picture they just block me.  This is how it usually works….

I will contact someone asking them if they want a blow job.  I love sucking dick, what can I say.  They say “maybe” or “possibly” or “yes” or “depends.”  Then they ask to see my picture.  Then they either say no, or they totally ignore me, or they just block me right off without saying anything that all.

It is getting fucking old but when he told me that I was just so totally fucking done with everything.  I would be lying if I didn’t say the thought crossed my mind, not that I would have done anything about it, that I was glad I didn’t have a gun tonight.  It’s just so fucking depressing.

So, I deleted both my profiles and said to myself, “If I ever fucking lose weight, and if I have to say in this fucking town much longer, after I do lose weight, I will never fucking date someone in this fucking town!”  I also posted something on my Facebook page saying everyone here could go fuck themselves!  I know, nice, right!

But I was just so fucking done.  I need to start taking the Prozac again.

So, not that that is a reasonable excuse, but that is why I haven’t posted an update.  But, this is what I have done this weekend and I guess that’s what a journal is for…to tell you what I’ve been up to.

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Obligatory “I’m Coming Back” Post

So this is my obligatory “I’m going to start blogging again” post.  Not that there are a lot of people, if any, reading right now but that is to be expected since I don’t post a lot.  Hell, I haven’t posted in months.  I am going to start working harder on gaining new readers and posting on a regular basis.  This is going to be a lot of life journal and things I’m going through so if that’s not what you’re interested in…I guess it won’t work between us.  We’re going to have to breakup.   #funnyface

One of the other things I want to start writing about is my sex life.  I know that is also going to be something that a lot of people probably won’t be into but I really want to start using this blog as a journal, which I have in the past, and as a “session with a therapist,” if you will.  I know there are a lot of things that I should be unpacking with a therapist but for now I’m going to have to use this blog.  (That is one of the things I’m looking forward to when I get insurance thanks to “Obamacare” as everyone likes to derogatorily call it.)  I hope you find my therapy writing sessions interesting.  I do think opening up about a lot of things will – and can – help others because most of us think we are alone in our struggles when in fact we are not.

But, today’s topic is going to be about work and stress.  I’m going to try not to make this very long because there is another post I would like to get written, or at least mostly written, for tomorrow.  I would like to start posting at least 4 times a week, at the least.  I know some days there really isn’t anything new and exciting to talk about, but we will just have to sit back together and see what happens.

So we all know – or should know – stress can kill you.  I have heard a lot of people talk about how if you’re sick or going through a big medical problem/disease, you need to try and reduce stress as much as possible.  My mother suffered, and eventually died from, cancer for most of my life. My dad worked tirelessly to make sure she was as happy, comfortable, and as stress free as she could possibly be.  That was one of his two biggest goals and challenges, and jobs, really, while she was sick.  I think that is also the reason she lived so much longer than her doctors thought she would and why she did as well, for as long, as she did.  That was part of how she was able to not give up and give in to the disease.  That and the fact that she had me and I was her biggest life goals.  I remember my dad saying after she passed that her biggest goal was to see me turn 18.  She did not get to do that but she tried.

So keeping that in mind, I am trying really hard not to get stressed.  There are some things that we just can’t do anything about and there is no productive reason for us to bitch about those things or stress about those things.  Well, today I learned of another thing that I would normally want to stress about but I’m just going to tell my self not to stress and that everything will be okay.

Payroll might not clear the bank this week.  And, on top of that, when I hold off until Monday to cash my check, it could bounce.  We get paid on Friday.  Today my boss asked if there was any way some of my employees might be able to wait to get paid.

“No, I really don’t think so,” I said.

Yes, let’s tell my ghetto employees who are only here for their paycheck and not because this is any kind of career for them that they need to wait a few extra days to get paid.  On top of that, let’s tell my employees who don’t even fucking make that much that they have to wait to get paid.  No, no that will not work.

It is difficult enough, and big enough of a deal that I’m going to wait to cash my check.  I know I’m helping them out with that and I pretty much offered that solution before he had to ask.  I’m not sure if he would have asked, but I offered.  I’m making a sacrifice for them and I really hope they see that as being as big of a deal as that really is!  That is not just me waiting until next week to cash my check.  That is me, someone who does not really make that much money in the grand scheme of things, and someone who does not have any savings, waiting an entire weekend extra to cash my check when I have bills due on Friday. Not only do I have bills due but I also don’t have a whole not of money to tide me over until then.  The said fact of my life, and I know this part is my fault, is that I live paycheck to paycheck.  Granted, I realize that is not his fault.  But that is the fact of the matter and that is something that I am going to have to deal with this weakened.  I also realize that it is not my problem to have to wait until Monday to cash my check when I am supposed to be paid every other Friday.  Additionally, I’m going to have to make some phone calls and see if some of the bills that I have due on Friday can wait until next week.  I don’t know what I’m going to do if they say no.

What I’m going to try not to do is jump to conclusions, which is something that I normally like to do.  I’m very good at that.  I’m not going to think about the fact that we could be about to lose the company even though I really don’t think that is the case.  I’m also not going to think about the possibility of them getting rid of my job so that they can save some money.  I’m not going there right now.

This does, however, make me think more about the fact that I really do need to look for another job, and soon!  There are some other things that have happen that I want to talk about and write about but I will do that in a later post.  I will say this though: I feel like if I don’t get the fuck out of this area, and from away from these people, I’m going to lose my goddamn mind!

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Flat Tire – I Was Proud of Myself

So I woke up this morning at 7.  Good for me.  Then I went back to bed and didn’t actually get up until 9.  Why 9?  Because my boss called me on my cell phone.  I don’t think she knew I had just woke up…I played it cool with my voice, I think.  If she did know she didn’t say anything.  I do know she first called my office but she didn’t say anything.  I’m cutting it close, I know.

So then I was thinking, “well, if I quickly shower and get dressed and leave by 9:30 that will put me in the office by 10 and that should be about the time” – I was totally guessing – “she is getting to her office.  So if she calls me after that there will be no questions.”

Well, I didn’t iron clothes last night, either.  So that took even longer.  It was about 10 minutes before 10 when I finally left the house.

On Sunday I realized I needed to replace one of the tires on my car; mettle threads were showing and sticking out of the tire.  I realized there was a problem when my car started bouncing down the road more than it usually does.  I looked.  I saw.  I did not curse or use fowl language.  (I was really proud of myself.)

Monday I went to the guy I normally use so I could get a new tire.  He’s a really nice guy and I trust him.  That, in my opinion, is huge.  I always feel…at a disadvantage, for the lack of a better word…when I need to have anything done to my car.  I know how to drive it but I don’t know how to fix it.  He wasn’t there.  Some other guy was there so I don’t know if he took over or is just taking some time off.  From the way the new guy sounded, he’s the new owner.  Hopefully he’s not because I don’t like him as much as the other guy.

He said he didn’t have the size I needed but should on Wednesday: that is today.

This morning my tire went flat.  I did not curse or say anything bad.  (I was very proud of myself.)

A flat tire on a Mercury Villager van.

A flat tire on a Mercury Villager van. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I saw him he asked me how many miles I drive everyday.  I told him about 70.  That’s a low number, but whatever.  He said it wouldn’t last that long.  I thought he might be right, but I’ve been told that by other tire people – not with this tire and not with tires that were this bad – and they were wrong.  I knew I needed to be careful because I knew it could go out at any time.

Turns out he was right.

There are not a lot of things I would say I’m good at but admitting with I’m legitimately wrong is one of them.  Beyond that, admitting when I have done something stupid.  I have done a lot of stupid things in life.  If I took the time to list all the stupid things I’ve done, and continue to do, I would be here all day.

So I was very proud of myself – not for the first time with something like this – when I did not get upset when my tire went flat.  I didn’t get upset and I acted like it was no big deal because with all things considered, it wasn’t.

It also probably helped that I have been taking my Prozac like I’m supposed to and I haven’t been in a rageful mood.

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