12.15.13 – Random Update

So I might have done something this weekend, but you will have to wait to hear about that.  Instead, let me tell you what I did this weekend.

I had planned on going to the library or the new coffee shop in town on Saturday morning to get some work done.  I wanted to write the post which I didn’t do earlier.  In my last post I said that I wanted to get the blog for the next day started if not completely finished.  It was about my sex life.  Well, it was really late by the time I got the one I did post finished and posted and I think I went home and just watched TV.  That was Thursday night.

On Friday night I did part of the stupid thing that was totally turned down, a bit harshly, I might add, and was just depressed.  So instead of staying at the coffee shop I normally go to almost every night I went home depressed and started catching up on Scandal.  (I’m completely addicted to that show, btw.)

When I went home I was so depressed that I could have almost cried.  Like that is totally what I wanted to do.  So I guess I will tell you that story, but it still isn’t the really stupid thing that I did.

So I’m on the hookup sites.  Well, I was.  I have been on them for a while.  I had my real picture on there for a while and I did hook-up with a couple of people but I got depressed and discouraged and deleted my accounts.  I can’t really remember but that might have been around the time I was ending things with SBBC, which I will tell you about later.

Some time later, I don’t remember how much later, I got back on the sites but this time I didn’t put my picture.  I would send my picture when I started a conversation with someone to see if they were interested.  Nine times out of ten they never were after I sent my picture.

Now I have told you how I look before.  I’m not hideous but I think to the gay community I am.  Getting turned down all the fucking time will really wear on you.

So there is this guy that I have seen on one of the sites and we have talked before.  The last time we talked, which was also the first time we talked, he said that he did want to hook up because I asked him if he wanted a blow job and he said just but was very busy with going to the gym and then having to study when he got home.  I did not say no, he said he was thinking about it but really needed to get some stuff done.

So a while later I messaged him again and he did not respond.  I almost didn’t message him Friday night but decided to give it a try.  What can I say, I was fucking horny.  I’ve been very horny lately.

Well he replied back using my name.  I was wondering how he got my fucking name but he said I had also contacted him on another site and he kept turning me down.  Well, I don’t fucking remember this and I know I never saw his fucking picture on the other site.  To my knowledge, this site we were on Friday was the only site I saw him or talked to him on.

He proceeded to tell me that he has been trying to turn me down nicely but I keep persisting.  He said “Mark, man I told you I’m not interested.”

Well, he never fucking told me that.

There is another site that is popular that I also use and I am always turned down on that site.  But I never saw his picture and he never told me it was him.  I have a lot of people that as soon as I send them my picture they just block me.  This is how it usually works….

I will contact someone asking them if they want a blow job.  I love sucking dick, what can I say.  They say “maybe” or “possibly” or “yes” or “depends.”  Then they ask to see my picture.  Then they either say no, or they totally ignore me, or they just block me right off without saying anything that all.

It is getting fucking old but when he told me that I was just so totally fucking done with everything.  I would be lying if I didn’t say the thought crossed my mind, not that I would have done anything about it, that I was glad I didn’t have a gun tonight.  It’s just so fucking depressing.

So, I deleted both my profiles and said to myself, “If I ever fucking lose weight, and if I have to say in this fucking town much longer, after I do lose weight, I will never fucking date someone in this fucking town!”  I also posted something on my Facebook page saying everyone here could go fuck themselves!  I know, nice, right!

But I was just so fucking done.  I need to start taking the Prozac again.

So, not that that is a reasonable excuse, but that is why I haven’t posted an update.  But, this is what I have done this weekend and I guess that’s what a journal is for…to tell you what I’ve been up to.

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So I’ve gone on a date!

I meet this guy online, on a website that is mainly used for hooking up.  Actually, when the site first came out that IS all it was used for.  Now they have a “networking” option…you can put on your profile that you are looking to “network” which I think is total bullshit because who…and mean…what the fuck!


I saw him and even looked at his profile but thought I wouldn’t have a snowballs chance in hell with him so I didn’t send him a message.  And day later, I think, I got a funny little message from him that was a joke on what I had written in my profile.  I thought, good!

Damn there’s a crying fucking baby in the cafe right now that really needs to be taken out!

Back to my story….

So we talked online for a few hours over a few days and then we even talked on the phone for 4 hours one night.

The next day we meet at a cafe for coffee and stayed there talking for like 3 hours.  Then he said he was going home because he was tired but I found out later he went to his friends house.  I though…?… but I didn’t say anything.  Then I didn’t really think about it anymore.

We talked for about an hour that night, I think, then yesterday we meet for drinks.  We hung out for about 5 hours.  We haven’t had sex yet, which I’m fine with, but that might be the problem.

I really don’t know what he’s thinking but I think I could really like him.  He seems okay.  There are a couple issues I don’t like but I think the problem we might have is that he’s a bottom, too!  So am I!

I never, in a million fucking years, would have guessed that he was a bottom.  I thought he was a top.  I mean, I know this is stereotyping, but let’s look at a few facts, shall we!

1.  He used to be MARRIED!  And NOT to a man…to a WOMAN!

They got married because, according to his story, after only having sex three times they got pregnant.  That sucks.  So they were married for a little while – I don’t know how long – but divorced after they lost the child about…3 weeks after it was born, I think he said.

I asked him what his life would have been like now had the baby not died.  He said nothing would be different except half his check would be going to her to help support the baby.  I was wondering if he would still be married because he sounded like the sex wasn’t a huge problem but they also didn’t have much of it.  I don’t know.  I wouldn’t mind pressing a little more into that subject because I do find it a bit interesting.

I mean, I can’t relate to that…and I told him as much.  But I can’t relate to that becuase while he might be somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale, I’m a firm fucking 6!  I’m gay.  I mean GAY gay!  And I like that.

And, on a quick side-note  he wanted to see how I would act if I got drunk and last night he succeeded in finding out.  I asked him what he thought but I never got a good answer.  I was wondering if I should text him today or leave him alone but just now, as I’m writing this, I think I will text him to see if I can get a better answer out of him.  And I’m curious if he wants to talk today.

I mean, this is a problem I have with dating: I don’t know what the fuck to do!?!  My new friend from the cafe is out of town this week so I can’t even ask her.  I certainly can’t ask my Old Friend…that’s her name, by the way, Old Friend.  I’ll be writing about her later but haven’t gotten around to it yet.  Maybe later tonight.

P.S.: I texted him and he texted back and said “Haha.  He was okay.  It was fun.”  I retexted him and said “”Okay.”  Bite Me.”

What?!?  I’m just “okay!?!?”  Fuck you.  Anyway.

I really don’t know where this is going.  I wouldn’t mind being friends with him at the least, but then again I don’t know if I have the energy to do that right now.  I mean, I do really need someone to date.  I need a relationship.  I think I might be entering desperate territory and that’s not a good thing.  I really know that’s not a good thing!  I don’t want to be that person and I don’t want to settle for someone but then I was thinking, “I’m not really the person whom anyone good would want to date.”  That is something I need to think about and write about later.

I need to go now.  I need to go back to work.  I just wanted to make a quick post and tell you what I was doing right now.  What happen.  I’ll talk more about the trip I was going to take, later.

P.P.S.: He texted back saying “Boo.  You read in to that negatively. :-p”

We will just have to ride the ride and see where this goes.


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