The Car Makes me Feel – Part One

'96-'99_Mercedes-Benz_E320_Wagon

I’m in one of those moods.  I want to be alone, not seen.  I’m shy.  I’m stressed.  I think when I get stressed, and the Prozac wears off, I get this one.

But I’ve wanted to do a whole post about cars, cars I would like to have.  This, the 1996-1999 Mercedes-Benz E320 Wagon. One of the things I really like about this car, in this moment, I think, is the tinted windows.  I mean I also like the body style.  It’s big, but I normally don’t like big.

But I imagine it to be safe.  And secure.  And with the dark windows I feel more secure.  Private.  Alone.

I feel secure, like nobody could get to me.

And while it is not new, I do feel like it says something about the person driving it.  It says they have class.  Money.  They like the finer things in life.  And since I do have an inferiority complex it would be nice to have something like this.  That is a subject I should write more about.  And unpack with a therapist.

And I get that nice cozy safe feeling when I look at this picture, too.  And I’ve got to say how much I love the scene in which it sits.  It’s the cozy weekend getaway house in the country.  Or the house you escape to when you need a time-out from the crazy of life.  When you just need to get away.

I’m always wanting to get away.  To escape.

Mercedes-Benz-E320_Wagon-1999-800-03

And in this color it looks so regal and classy.  But it still needs the tint to be perfect.

xmas_wagon

And I love this picture.  This is the life I want.  The life I’m dreaming for.  For me and my boyfriend, who will eventually be my husband, to go bring home our real Christmas tree.  Wearing complimentary outfits that are hip and trendy.

Mercedes-Benz-E320-2002-1024-06

This is the interior of the 2002, the pictures above are the 97-99 models.  The next generation, the 2002, looks much so softer and nicer on the inside.  And let’s face it, that’s a very big deal.  I mean that is where we spend most of our time.  Not looking at it from the outside.  I like a nice interior.  This is nice.  I really like the steering wheel.  I’m strange.

There are other cars I like to.  Some of them I think I like better than the Mercedes.

BMW 5-Series E39 wagon

For some reason these BMWs pop into mind.  They seem more sporty than the Mercedes.  And this particular body style of BMW,the 1999 528i, is one that I really like.  I even like it in sedan.

1997 BMW 318I

I love blue.  This one be nice to have on the days I don’t mind being seen.

And I love the idea about having the car kept in the house.  I know, I’m strange.

 

 

 

 

1992 Volvo 240 Wagon 2

 

 

 

 

But then I keep coming back to this: the Volvo.  I just think I like them better, and I think they would be a better, safer car.

It was what I was brought home from the hospital in.  The first car I rode in.  A 1970-something blue wagon.  I just love a Volvo.  And it says “writer” to me.

I think I would like a mid 90s model wagon.  But this white one is a 1990ish.  Huge.  And nothing says writer more than this.  It’s an old car and you cannot judge my by the same standards as everyone else.  I’m a writer.  And artist.  And I walk to the beat of a different drum.  I don’t live in the same world as you.

Life Update – Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Maybe I should start calling these quick “what I’ve been up to” posts “Life Updates.”  That sounds better than what I was using.  Not that I remember what I was using.  It’s early.  In fact, it’s fucking early!

Early bird coffee queue #picnic09

Early bird coffee queue #picnic09 (Photo credit: @10)

It’s 7:46 in the morning.  Do you know how early that is for me?!?

The sun is rising, dew is still drenching the cars, and I’m not only out of bed but I’m dressed and at the coffee shop!  Like I’m all put together and presentable.  I’m ready for the day!

And this is actually the second day in a row that I have gotten up early.  Yesterday was because I needed to have a one-on-one with a dumbass at work.  As per the usual she denied any wrongdoing.  She did catch me a little off guard.  I could be wrong, but I highly doubt it.  That’s okay though, if she wants to play hardball we can do that.  She is either about to turn into a really good employee or it’s about to get ugly.  Either way, I’m tired of playing with her.

But now on to a better subject: me!

I worked my butt off yesterday.  I went in at 6 in the morning and didn’t leave until 6 at night.  But when I left I came to the coffee shop and went over reports for work!  So I worked all day.  I left to go home about 7:30ish and just got ready for bed.  I’m not sure why it took me so long, unless I left closer to 8, but I was crawling into bed at 8:30.  I took a 3mg Melatonin and slept!

I did wake up about 10:30 to pee and in one of those night-time sleep stupid stoopers I ate like 7 or 8 Kit Kat singles that I bought – and never should have – in the grocery store the other day because I was hungry when I went shopping.  I’ve been getting those lately, the sleep eating stoopers.  Well, here’s the thing.

I also know I haven’t been eating regularly and we already know I don’t have any self control, especially when I’m tired.  And when you wake up in the middle of a heavy sleep to go pee you are clearly tired.  At least I am.  If I feel stupid – like I’m in a sleep-stooper – I pretty much know I’ll be able to go back to sleep.  But sometimes when I wake up I’m hungry and if I have something quick and easy to eat, I usually will.

The other day it was chips and dip but last week it was making a turkey and ham sandwich with the lunch meat I had bought.  I know, good idea, right!  Anyway.

So I went back to bed and I had set my clock for something like 5:30 or 6.  I might have set one of the clocks for 5 but I sure didn’t get up.  I didn’t want to get up at 5:30 and I think I just hit the snooze button.  But then at 6 another clock went off and shortly after that the 3rd clock went off.  I actually got out of bed!  I’m fucking surprised.  But I did sleep for like 10+ hours.  My back was beginning to hurt from laying in bed so long.

And since I didn’t want to go to work this early, after going in so yearly yesterday and working so long, I decided to come to the coffee shop because I had to come here anyway.  I just decided to sit inside and write this blog.  Maybe I should start doing this every morning!

I’m going to try to start getting 8 hours of sleep every night and getting up early.  We will see how that works.  Otherwise, in order to get up early I might just have to start going to bed much earlier and trying to sleep longer.  We will see because I have got to do something to start getting to work on-time.  It’s 8:21 right now and I don’t really want to go to work but I think I should.  I have to be there should be there by 9 every morning.

That’s all folks.  Comment, subscribe via the email thingy.  If you have other comments or anything just send me at email to lifeonmygayisland at gmail dot com.  I look forward to hearing from you all!

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Is This Anxiety?

I might have given my computer a sort of big bump and I swear I think it’s running a little slower now. I’m working on a whole post about how I want a new computer and if I keep this crap up I’ll really need one.

Coffee cup

Coffee cup (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

So I was supposed to post at least one blog already…several days ago…and then I planned on posting two blogs this weekend. That would have given me 4 for this week which is what I wanted. Well, as you can see that didn’t happen. But right now I’m up at the coffee shop and I want to talk about this for a minute.

There are 4 coffee shops in town that I know of. One I really like, one I really don’t like because it’s not in the best area because there is absolutely no shad on the small patio. The small patio that only has a few tables. The whole place is small. There is almost nowhere to sit because it is usually busy and all the space is taken.

There are two others in a nice area but 12 miles away…one way. While I don’t mind driving, I just never go to those because they are a bit far away. One of them is really nice but all the hipsters and rich people go there and I have such a problem being in there because I feel so bad. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb and I just don’t belong. I don’t fit. I feel like everybody would be staring at me. I feel like everybody is staring at me. I feel like I’m so hideous. And today I really feel like I don’t look good so that is another reason I wouldn’t want to go.

I was supposed to get up this morning and go to my friend’s house about an hour away from where I am right now because her husband needs to fix something for me. I wanted to get up early but I didn’t set my clock and I did wake up a couple times this morning but just rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to sleep in and stay away from everybody. I didn’t want to be seen and I didn’t want to be bothered. I didn’t get up until 1. This afternoon.

I don’t know why I’m so depressed right now. There is no other explanation for it, I am depressed and I don’t know why. I took my medicine yesterday and the day before and the day before that. I have been taking it this week like I’m supposed to. I know I’ve taken it for the last 3 days and I think I have taken it all week! I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t like it. It would be one thing if I weren’t taking my Prozac like I’m supposed to because I would have an explanation for what is going on. Right now I don’t.

And as I sit up here right now I’m wondering if what I’m experiencing and feeling is anxiety. The problem with this coffee shop is that it is right off the interstate. The other problem with this coffee shop, which I’m glad they have because it means business is good and the economy must not be in the total crapper, they are busy right now. It’s only a few days before the holidays and they are busy with all the people getting off the interstate to get coffee. But there are so many people coming and going and it’s just freaking me out!

I don’t want to go home because I’ll just sleep some more and won’t get anything done. I might get some writing done, but the chances are drastically reduced. But sitting up here is just driving me crazy.

One of the things I do is keep my earbuds in listening to music. Sometimes I will just put on an ambient noise app to drown everything out. The earbuds I use aren’t noise cancelling but I need to get some that are just for times like this. The only problem with the ambient noise app is sometimes finding one that doesn’t hurt my ears. I have to turn it so loud with these earbuds to actually conceal the noise that it will occasionally be too loud not to hurt or make me even that much more crazy. I have run into that problem a couple of times; the app is loud enough to enter in another noise problem but not loud enough, with these particular earbuds, to drown out the other noise which makes me crazy because of all the different noises I’m hearing. I know…it’s all a bit strange.

But this is also what I do when I’m in the store. Especially Walmart!

I don’t like the noise and the crowd and it’s such a bad grade of people in the particular Walmart I have to go to so I try to get rid of all that distraction and interference with my sanity that I wear by sunglasses if it’s still light out and I wear by earbuds. Most of the time when I’m in the store though I either listen to music, or must often, I listen to a podcast or the audio book I’m listening to at the time.

This blog has turned into a great big ol ramble!

But is this anxiety, or social anxiety if there is a thing, that I’m experiencing?

I often eat in my car so I can be alone. Plus I don’t always like to be seen eating. It’s a thing, I know.

When I left the house to come up here I thought I would sit outside because it was a nice day. I did for a while but it began to get cool and the gnats started coming out so I moved inside. I had to come in for more coffee and I was either going to move inside, if I could find a spot I liked, or I was going to go home. My spot was finally open, it wasn’t when I first got here, so I was happy. I’m okay here in my spot. Still a little overwhelmed by all the people but it’s not as bad. This is where I always sit. At least where I always sit when it’s open. Sometimes I will use one of the comfy chairs but most of the time it’s at this big table.

You would think, since I don’t like to be around a lot of people I wouldn’t sit at the biggest table in the house but I do. I like to spread my stuff out when I’m not just writing on the computer and it’s comfy. It’s usual. It’s my spot!

And sweaters help. I don’t know why but they just do. It’s another reason I like winter. I like being covered up.

So I think I’ve ran this post into the ground as much as I can. I also think I’m going to run to my friends house and drop off what I need fixed, and try not to stay very long. Then I think I’ll go into town and go to the bookstore. I might go to the Chinese restaurant where I like to eat when I’m there.

Oh, and this reminds me of another story I need to write about. The Bathhouse.

So I’ve said I wanted to write about my sex life and this is certainly one of those stories. It isn’t something I’m proud of, it’s it is something. It is something I have done in the past and hopefully will not do in the future but I’m not going to lie and say I’m not occasionally tempted. Hell, I was tempted earlier this week.

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The Prozac is Wearing Off

Good times.

Fluoxetine (Prozac), an SSRI

Fluoxetine (Prozac), an SSRI (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not really, but not horrible, either.

At least not yet.

I haven’t taken my Prozac in several days but that is partially because I’m running out of money and I’m also running out of Prozac.  I just took 3 pills, my normal dose (not with my current doctor but with my old doctor).

The doctor I’m going to now – because my old doctor is no longer in business – prescribed me 40MG a day.  That would be two pills a day which, I realize, is better than taking what I’m currently taking which is…two or three pills every few days with little regularity.  I realize this, but still….

I just counted and I have 13 pills left.  There are 11 days until I get paid again.  If I call now maybe I can get an appointment on that 11th day.  I think taking one pill a day would be better than what I have been doing.  Hell, it isn’t like I have much of a choice.  I could see if a friend of mine has any medicine left but I really don’t want to start something new.  I did that before when I was completely out – for a while – and what she gave me I believe was expired.  I wanted to kill myself by the time I got more Prozac.

I could also ask my boss because she said if I needed I could get a few pills from her because I guess she was prescribed it but never takes it.  I don’t know why.  I believe she and I had the conversation that it helps her but, like me, I guess she’s just hard headed.

Another thing that hot me down is that I saw a gay guy who looked cute today.  He was from the capital and I believe where it works, and probably lives, is near a big gay, trendy, area.  I wish I weren’t ugly but that’s the way I feel.  I just feel like I’m not good enough.  And to be honest, I’m not.

Nothing about me is good enough.  I don’t look good, I’m not the best at my job, I haven’t been able to write and I don’t really think I’m smart enough to, anyway, and I don’t have a lot of money.

This is what life with depression is like.

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Dental Update

I wanted to give everyone reading a little update.  I don’t know if you follow my tweets, or see them on the side of this site, but I sent out a few about being nervous about going to the dentist…and then being nervous sitting in the dentist, this

Wisdom Teeth

Wisdom Teeth (Photo credit: tarale)

morning.

I’m out, and so are two of my teeth: he pulled the tooth that was hurting along with the wisdom tooth right next to it.  The wisdom tooth needed to come out anyway.  Now I only have one more wisdom tooth left that will eventually need to come out.  I still say that I would like to have that one remaining wisdom tooth removed with someone who can put me to sleep.  I said that the last time I had my other two wisdom teeth removed but was a dumbass and didn’t do it.  At least I know this doctor, who took out one of my wisdom teeth before, can do it.  He’s really, REALLY good!  They are very good with people who are fucking chickens!

So I just wanted to say that at the moment I’m fine.  The last two times I’ve had teeth removed I don’t recall being in pain afterwards.  Maybe a little discomfort, but not pain.  Several people have said that I will be in pain over the next couple of days but I’m hoping that’s not true.  The doctor didn’t say that.

It has bleed longer than I thought it should.  I have smoked when I said I wasn’t going to but I have but I’ve been very gentle about it.  I’m hoping I don’t get a dry socket!  I’ve heard those are a bitch and a half!

I could have sworn I was told to wait 2 or 3 days after having the tooth pulled before smoking.  This time they told me a couple of hours.  After I went online I just saw someone say 48 to 72 hours…that’s 2 to 3 days.  I’m hoping since I have been pull on the cigarette very, very slowly and softly it will not mess anything up or cause problems.  That and I’ve had the gauze pad over the area.  But I think when I remove the gauze pad I really do need to stop smoking, at least for a couple of days.

So, for now, I’m fine.  I’ll keep you updated.  Thanks for reading!

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The Never-ending Day

Tuesday, June 11, 2013 – 3:13PM

I’m not having a bad day or anything, I just want it to be over with.  I want to be able to go home.  And by go home I really mean

Interior of the 1938 Diner in Wellsboro, Tioga...

Interior of the 1938 Diner in Wellsboro, Tioga County, Pennsylvania, United States (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

just go to the coffee shop and relax and maybe do some writing.  Or play on the internet…I do that a lot, too.  This just seems like one of those days that is crawling by and will never end.  And the funny thing is I got a pretty good amount of sleep last night.  I shouldn’t be tired.  And I’m not really, I’m just in one of those moods where I want to go home.  I don’t want to be “on” and I don’t want to be around people I have to be remotely cheery around.

I got the idea for a new story and I would also like to start work on that, at least the outline.  I think it will be good but there will be some research I first need to know.  I don’t know how long it will be, but it won’t bet past the first sentence if I don’t at least start it!

I had to run an errand for work this morning and stopped to get lunch while I was gone.  It was actually around noon so it was time for lunch.  I had been wanting breakfast food since I went to bed last night but didn’t get up early enough this morning to go before work.  I stopped at this diner that I have only been to once before.  It’s on a side of town that I don’t usually go to.

While I was there it wasn’t very busy but I was wishing I had my computer with me.  It was probably only one step down from what I would consider a true diner.  The reason I say one step down is because it is a chain, but it really felt like a diner.  Diners kind of interest me.

I never think of anything really great when I think of a diner.  I always think of something kind of dirty and kind of poor.  Where the lower classes of society go.  I know I’m wrong for a variety of reasons when I say that but it’s still what always comes to mind.  I would like to do some writing in that diner because I think I could hit on something good.  I know, I’m strange.

I’m going to go so I can get back to work and hopefully get this day over with.  Only a few more hours to go.  I can’t wait to go home.

And, I hope the tire on my car lasts to get me home and then back to work!  It’s looking quite “ratchet.”

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Sunday, June 2, 2013 – 10:11PM

So when I get home I need to iron my clothes for tomorrow so I won’t have to do that when I get up.  And I also hope that will help

Mac 512K Keyboard

Mac 512K Keyboard (Photo credit: yllan)

me get the fuck out of bed in the morning – hopefully hearing my god damn alarm clock when it first goes off at 6:30 in the morning – and getting ready and my ass to work!  On fucking time!  Early, in fact!

There are a ton of things I need to do, none of which I did this weekend, and would like to get them done tomorrow.  Maybe tomorrow I can start off on a new leaf and getting things done.

I also have a lot of newspapers I need to read to see if there is anything good that I should know.  I have been buying newspapers like fucking crazy but reading almost none of them.

This weekend was good.  I didn’t get a lot accomplished but I did rest.  I rested too much today, but still I’m okay with that.  I have a new week to start and maybe things will go well.  I took my medicine last night and need to take it tonight before I leave the diner.  I stopped here because I wanted to post the blog post I wrote yesterday and I’m not sure that my Mac will get online when I get home.  If it does like it has for the last 2 days, it won’t.  I don’t know what that’s

Mid-1970s digital alarm clock radio (AM/FM) us...

Mid-1970s digital alarm clock radio (AM/FM) using split-flap display (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

about but it is annoying.  I think it has something to do with the neighbors wifi that I use.  They know it…that’s the deal.  It’s a long story that I’m not going to get into.

I also need to check and see if I can connect to the internet via my phone.  I know before I got my new iPhone I could, it was on my account but a pain in the ass to get to work.  I think after renewing my contract they took that feature off.  I need to look into that because while I do have my other computer I can use – when my dad isn’t using it – I don’t want to have to use that one while I’m at home.  That would be stupid.

But on a bring note, maybe it would get me to write and read more…though I doubt it.

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