I don’t know why, but it seems like life has been giving me little kicks lately.
Maybe not so much a “kick,” but throwing stones at me.
And maybe not so much “life,” but my “mental health.”
Nothing bad has been happening but I haven’t been feeling good lately. I don’t know what I’ve been feeling, but it hasn’t been “good.” It’s really hard to describe.
It’s almost as if I were just…here. That’s really all I can say.
I’ve been somewhat taking my medicine. In fact, I’m at the cafe right now – and I just looked outside and it is “fucking pouring!” Not raining, I mean “fucking monsoon pouring ” The same time I saw it I started hearing it through my earbuds.
I really hope it quits before I have to go in about 30 minutes. I don’t want to get my laptop wet.
Back to my life lately, but I do like it when it rains sometimes.
Before we return to our regularly scheduled programming, lets go off on this little tangent, too.
I would like a large back porch that is screened in so I can sleep out there, make love out there when I have a man, and write out there. And so I can just sit and relax out there. I like being outside. I would like it to have removable windows so when it’s really cold or really hot and I can have climate control and still enjoy being “outside” even if I am enclosed. I like being in rooms with lots of windows.
And I don’t want to be able to see my neighbors from this porch and I want to be surrounded my lush greenery.
Back to my life.
I was thinking about this earlier when I was driving to the cafe. What am I going to do in the future? I’m afraid to find out that answer.
I often say that I never really know what I’m going to do from one moment to the next until I actually do it. That’s what living in my head is like. I never know what is going to happen next. I just never know.
I worry about suicide. If I were being honest, truly honest, I would admit that it is really something I worry about. I fear. But then, in a way, I don’t. Lexy says, in Carolyn Parkhurst’s novel Dogs of Babel, that “suicide is just a moment.” I really think that. I don’t think it is selfish. We grieve because we will miss someone. But we don’t think about the kind of life that person had. Sometimes it really is best that they are gone, and I think that is a decision that the individual person should be able to make for themselves.
Now let me clarify a few things:
First, I’m not saying I’m about to do anything “stupid.” I’m not about to kill myself. I don’t even want to kill myself right now. All I am saying is that it is an option. I don’t want to have to do it, but sometimes I think I really might need to keep that option open.
Second, my dad is alive. I would never kill myself while he is alive. Although, that is something that I worry about. I don’t know what I might do when he does die. He is my life in so much as he is all the family I have left. But I will unpack that little bit of baggage later.