I don’t think the Prozac I found is working. I think it might be expired. I know it’s not “expired,” but I’m not so sure it’s chemically “good” now.
Sometimes it gets scary.
When I drink a lot, well, back when I was drinking regularly, I could tell when I was approaching “that place.” You know the feeling when you start to have a conversation with yourself that goes something like this….
Wow, I feel really good right now. Like, really fucking good. I am shitface and just don’t care. But if I stop right now I’ll be okay. If I stop right now and focus I will be able to hold it down and not puke my guts out. But if I keep going, if I have just one more drink – or maybe one more sip of the drink I currently have – I will lose it and end up upchucking somewhere.
I’ve had that conversation a few times with myself. I’m kind of a light-weight drunk because I don’t drink that often. I don’t drink unless I can drink enough to “feel good.” I don’t see the point in drinking otherwise. I really just drink to get drink – or a little tipsy. But the point is I know when I’m getting to that place where I need to stop otherwise it will stop being fun. Likewise, I can tell right now I’m getting close to that mental place where if I don’t start taking my Prozac again shit will get scary. Real scary!
Some people wonder why we don’t take our medicine every day. I can’t really answer that and I honestly don’t think anybody can because the relationship we have with our medication is different for everyone. I can tell you that part of the reason I don’t take mine is because I forget it. I know that doesn’t make since but I really do. Then when the prescription gets low I start missing days to make it last longer.
It’s kind of hard to describe how I feel when things are getting bad but there definitely is a feeling to it. My whole body feels different. My mind certainly feels different. My physical body feels different and then my mind starts going to all the bad places that it doesn’t need to go. My mind will lead me down a path of despair and, what I fear, eventual destruction.
I have 2 cars, one of which no longer runs so it has been sitting in the driveway. I haven’t decided if I’m going to get it fixed or just get rid of it. I’m sort of using it for storage right now but most of what is in it is trash that I could just git rid of. (I need to do that soon.) Last week I was looking for something that I thought was in there. The car has been sitting for about 6 months now. I found wanted I needed but I also found a Prozac bottle with a few pills left in it…maybe 15 or 18. I decided to start taking them because I thought it was better than nothing which is what I currently had. Either it’s taking a while for them to get into my system or the sun, over at least 6 months, have done something to them. I know, I know…I shouldn’t leave medicine in the car and I shouldn’t take them now. The “things I shouldn’t do” boat left a long time ago so there’s no use, don’t even say it.
It will be another 2 weeks before I can make an appointment because that will be when I will have the money, but when I do make the appointment I’m going to get it and, this time, start taking it every day. I think I’m a little more organized now so hopefully I can remember to take it each day. If I’m going to do any of the other things that I want to do – I’m working on writing that post now – I will have to start taking my medicine every single day.
Life On My Gay Island 