No Change, Please

Written 1.27.14

This is totally not what I was going to write about right now but it’s a good topic that is really well overdue.

So like I have said before, I think…at least I meant to, there are several coffee shops in town.  While there are several, I only really like one of them.  Only one of them is home for me.

Man thinking on a train journey.

Man thinking on a train journey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I went to work at a decent hour like a good little boy this morning – I’m very proud of myself but I’ll talk about that.  Couple that with the fact that I ate lunch at my desk and that I’ve been very productive today, so far, I think I’m doing pretty damn good!

So, to reward myself – even though there’s a good chance I would do it regardless, but since I’ve done good today I’m calling it a reward – I decided to go to my coffee shop for a break and get some writing done.  This morning instead of writing I just went to work and I didn’t write my “Life Update” for this weekend so I wanted to do it today.

But there was one slight problem.  I could have gone back to my office and shut the door and done it there but I could have still been bothered and I really just wanted to get away.  I went to my coffee shop.  That’s when I ran into the problem.

They were CLOSED!

Not for good, just for “a while.”

Ok, so here’s the thing.  If you are one who pays attention to the health scores a restaurant gets…you would never know what I’m about to tell you.  Since I’m me, I know.  I totally know and I really shouldn’t be going there.

And here’s the other thing now that I have gotten off on this totally halfway related side trip about health scores and what I know.  

I love Chinese food but there are a lot of them that I’m kind of afraid of going to.  I’m not going to go into the details of why, but just google it and make sure your dog or cat is out of the room when you do.  They will have nightmares for years!

And it’s not just Chinese food.  There are a lot of restaurants that I’m afraid to go to.  My thinking is that the dining area or outside looks bad the the kitchen, the places customer’s can’t see, must only be worse.  And while the rational part of my brain realizes that isn’t necessarily true, it’s something I just can’t help thinking about.  Anyway.

So back to my point, if there ever was one to begin with.

I pulled up to the coffee shop and thought, “oh nice, they don’t look busy.”  There were only a couple cars in the parking lot other than those of the people I know who work there.

Well I get out of my car and walk up to the door and the sign reads “closed for technical issues.”

Ok, I knew they were not having a problem with their computer system.  No, whatever “technical” issues they were having had to be much, much worse.

In the past their “technical” issues was the plumbing pipes backed up inside the building!

Ok, gross much?  Yeah!  I know!

But does that stop me from getting coffee there?  No.  Strange when you think about it, really.

So I didn’t want to go back to the office so I went to one of the other coffee shops that I only go through the drive-thru at.  But, like I said, I didn’t want to go back to the office and write from there so I decided to go inside.

That is where I really get to the point of this post: I don’t fucking like change!

And keep in mind, I’m the guy who wants to move to another city and start over.  I do want change, major change, but it just feels so wrong here.  Hell, it feels wrong period but, I don’t know.

And one of the things I don’t like is this coffee shop is the one most frequented by the college kids and I just don’t like being around them.  I don’t like being around people who are younger than me.  I don’t know why, but I really don’t like it.  I don’t like being around most anybody, but especially them.  I feel like they are more judging than most.

But after I sit here for a little while it really isn’t that bad.  Well, I guess it could just be the table I got.  It’s a good one.  I like it.  I would feel different were I had a worse table.  Even though this one is near the registers I still feel better about it.  Plus it’s not right by the windows which for some reason makes me think I’m kind of hidden away a little.  I feel more secure and less seen.  Less out in the open.  I know that’s not true, but it doesn’t matter.  When you’re living with a mental illness rationality doesn’t matter.  All that matters is what is going on inside your brain and how you feel.

On another note, I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m tired and I would really like to go to bed right now.  Take a nap.  I might do that when I get off work but I don’t know yet.  Really it just depends on how I feel.  I’m going hope promptly at the time I’m supposed to today.  Not a minute over…even if I do end up staying “on break” a little longer than my hour lunch would allow.”

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Life Update – Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Maybe I should start calling these quick “what I’ve been up to” posts “Life Updates.”  That sounds better than what I was using.  Not that I remember what I was using.  It’s early.  In fact, it’s fucking early!

Early bird coffee queue #picnic09

Early bird coffee queue #picnic09 (Photo credit: @10)

It’s 7:46 in the morning.  Do you know how early that is for me?!?

The sun is rising, dew is still drenching the cars, and I’m not only out of bed but I’m dressed and at the coffee shop!  Like I’m all put together and presentable.  I’m ready for the day!

And this is actually the second day in a row that I have gotten up early.  Yesterday was because I needed to have a one-on-one with a dumbass at work.  As per the usual she denied any wrongdoing.  She did catch me a little off guard.  I could be wrong, but I highly doubt it.  That’s okay though, if she wants to play hardball we can do that.  She is either about to turn into a really good employee or it’s about to get ugly.  Either way, I’m tired of playing with her.

But now on to a better subject: me!

I worked my butt off yesterday.  I went in at 6 in the morning and didn’t leave until 6 at night.  But when I left I came to the coffee shop and went over reports for work!  So I worked all day.  I left to go home about 7:30ish and just got ready for bed.  I’m not sure why it took me so long, unless I left closer to 8, but I was crawling into bed at 8:30.  I took a 3mg Melatonin and slept!

I did wake up about 10:30 to pee and in one of those night-time sleep stupid stoopers I ate like 7 or 8 Kit Kat singles that I bought – and never should have – in the grocery store the other day because I was hungry when I went shopping.  I’ve been getting those lately, the sleep eating stoopers.  Well, here’s the thing.

I also know I haven’t been eating regularly and we already know I don’t have any self control, especially when I’m tired.  And when you wake up in the middle of a heavy sleep to go pee you are clearly tired.  At least I am.  If I feel stupid – like I’m in a sleep-stooper – I pretty much know I’ll be able to go back to sleep.  But sometimes when I wake up I’m hungry and if I have something quick and easy to eat, I usually will.

The other day it was chips and dip but last week it was making a turkey and ham sandwich with the lunch meat I had bought.  I know, good idea, right!  Anyway.

So I went back to bed and I had set my clock for something like 5:30 or 6.  I might have set one of the clocks for 5 but I sure didn’t get up.  I didn’t want to get up at 5:30 and I think I just hit the snooze button.  But then at 6 another clock went off and shortly after that the 3rd clock went off.  I actually got out of bed!  I’m fucking surprised.  But I did sleep for like 10+ hours.  My back was beginning to hurt from laying in bed so long.

And since I didn’t want to go to work this early, after going in so yearly yesterday and working so long, I decided to come to the coffee shop because I had to come here anyway.  I just decided to sit inside and write this blog.  Maybe I should start doing this every morning!

I’m going to try to start getting 8 hours of sleep every night and getting up early.  We will see how that works.  Otherwise, in order to get up early I might just have to start going to bed much earlier and trying to sleep longer.  We will see because I have got to do something to start getting to work on-time.  It’s 8:21 right now and I don’t really want to go to work but I think I should.  I have to be there should be there by 9 every morning.

That’s all folks.  Comment, subscribe via the email thingy.  If you have other comments or anything just send me at email to lifeonmygayisland at gmail dot com.  I look forward to hearing from you all!

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