A Journal Entry – 12.22.13

Two posts in one day!  If you haven’t already, be sure to check out the one called “Douchebags Among Us.

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So last night after sitting at the coffee house for a while, and writing and posting a post, I decided to go to my friend’s house.  She lives in a town about an hour away from where I’m at right now.  I think one of the main reasons I wanted to go was because I wanted to go to the bookstore.  We have a bookstore where I live/work but I like the other one better.  I just like not being in the town I live/work in so, you have that.

So here’s the thing.  I work in town B and I live in town A.  Town A and B are about a half hour apart.  I’m staying, for the moment, in town B because I need a break.  I’ve thought about moving here because this is where I work and most of my life is but I really hate the place.

And I don’t really know what I even mean when I say “most of my life is here now”.  My doctor is in town A, my pharmacist is in town A.  My home is in town A.  I get my haircut in town B and I work in town B.  I have one friend in town A that I would like to visit more but don’t.  I have one friend in town B who we ocassionally go shopping together but we could still do that even if I lived in town A.  I could still go visit my one friend in town A if I lived in town B.  I have two friends.  One in each town.

There is nothing keeping me in town A except for my bedroom.  There is nothing keeping me in town B except for my job.

And when I say “my home” is in town A I don’t mean my “home” just where I’m “living” right now.  It’s where my bedroom is and where I spend the occasional day off.  That’s a whole other thing to write about but I’ll to it later.

So I guess maybe the only reason I’m in town B is because of work.  And I fucking hate town B!  I hate it with a passion!  I hate the people here.  The small-mindedness.  The…the…I just hate it.  And I’m not even going to talk about the gay boys here but, lets me honest, I’d probably have that problem everywhere right now.

And lets talk about the gay boys for a minute.  Fuck Them!  If they are in town B, that is.  Fuck all the gay boys in town B!

I think I’m just going to take myself off the market for a while.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I’m just done.  I’m not looking anymore.  And I’m going to close all my “socal” accounts for “dating.”  I’m going to take myself off the market for a while because I’ve got to make some changes.  I’ve got to deal with some issues.  I’ve got to figure some shit out!  There is having baggage and then there’s me.  The shit I have, I think, is way more than just baggage and I need to clean that shit up before I try to date.  Plus I don’t want to get attached to anybody here because I want to get the fuck out of this goddamn town, and area, quick fast and in a fucking big ass hurry!

So I went to town C last night which is about a hour away from town B.  While I was there I also wanted to go to Best Buy, which I did.

I didn’t buy anything.  I almost bought another iPhone charger because I think I need one more since I upgraded to the new 5S, which I’m in love with, btw.  I looked at and almost bought another iPhone case but I know I would have ended up not liking it as much as the one I have now so I didn’t.  I didn’t buy anything.  I didn’t find anything I really wanted and I didn’t make an impulse purchase.  I did want to go to Staples but I didn’t get there in time to find one.  I don’t like the new one in town B because it’s in the ghetto.  I know, I’m a bitch but they moved to the wrong side of the tracks.  Maybe I’ll explain that later.  I know, I already said I was a bitch.

I did go to the Chinese restaurant that I like to go to when I’m in C.  I hope I wasn’t eating cat.  I tweeted a picture about it.  Go check it out.  Feel free to follow me on twitter.  #happyface.

I did not go to the bookstore.  I’m not sure why but today I am kind of wishing I had.  Well, here’s the thing with that.

I kind of do this a lot.  I will get the idea to go somewhere.  To some store.  It doesn’t really matter what store and I don’t always know when it’s going to happen.  When I’m not alone this never happens but when I am by myself it does.  I will drive all the way there.  It doesn’t matter if it’s close or an hour away.  I will drive there and sometimes even get to the parking lot and park my car.  Then I will think, “nope, can’t do it.”  I don’t go in.

I get this feeling that I just don’t want to get out of my car and have to deal with people.  I don’t want to be seen.  And I don’t go.  It’s another one of those things I need to unpack with a therapist.

After eating I went to my friend’s house.  While I was with her two different things happened with prompted two different posts I will later be writing and posting.  One will be called “I Stood Up to Her” and the other is a condom story that I haven’t thought of a name for yet.

Then, while I was driving to C, before I ever got there, something else happened which I will have to write about called “She Doesn’t Like Me.”  I think all three posts will be good and I hope you find them entertaining.  I also hope I find it therapeutic to write about.

After leaving her house about 12:30 I got home around 1:30 and didn’t go to bed until 5 in the morning.  Then I slept until 2.  Tomorrow is Monday and I need to get up early to get something done for work.  That means I cannot sleep until 11 in the fucking morning because my boss nicely asked me to please get this done as soon as possible Monday morning and I would really like to have it done for my by 8AM.  I would like to have it done and waiting for him in his email inbox by the time he gets to work.  Hopefully I won’t be a complete fucking loser tomorrow morning.

But it is Christmas week and I can already see me taking it easy at work this week.  We will see what actually happens.

Douchebags Among Us

This might be an extra post for today but it was something that couldn’t wait.

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Oh my fucking god some people are so fucking rude! Are you kidding me?!?!

So I’m up at the coffee shop and there is a local artist sharing the table with me. It’s my fucking table, I love this table but

Douchebag (film)

Douchebag (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

that’s beside the point.

A lady with a kid came to stand by the table and sat her drink down on the edge of the table.

True, the table is in a major area of the coffee shop where everybody waits for their drinks. That little edge of the table was clear but it was awfully near the artists computer and drawings. I was thinking I certainly hope the kid that was with the lady didn’t knock the drink over.

Well, up walks Mr. Douchebag, he was with the lady and kid. It didn’t help that he was wearing these hideous sweat pant-type shorts which really showed the penis he didn’t fucking have! He was probably going commando which isn’t a good look for him!

But Mr. Douchebag proceeds to fix his coffee and pushed one of her drawings out of the way! What? Who fucking does that? Why are you fucking touching somebody else’s artwork? WTF?!? Why are you touching somebody else’s stuff?

And I’m not even saying it matters so much that it was a piece of art, which I think in and of itself is a big deal, but someone else’s papers in general! What a fucking douchebag!

I really do hate people. This helps me hate them even more!

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My Depressed Thoughts

I finished writing these thoughts at 12:16 in the morning…Sunday night, Monday morning.  These were my thoughts.  These were my thoughts while I was depressed.

It is now 9:37 Monday night and while I’m not saying I’m not still depressed, I am saying that I’m in a better mood.

And I’m not saying this is a poem.  Not exactly.

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I just want to escape so badly.
I want to go away.
I want people to miss me and wish they treated me better.
I want people to wish they saw me.

Will they miss me?

I want to disappear.

I want to start over.

I want a do over.
Everybody should get a do over.

Would I be more friendly?
I’m not rude.
I haven’t been rude.

Would I get out of my shell?
I have lived in a shell.
I’m shy.

Would I be more outgoing?
I could be infections.
I could be friendly.
I could be open.

But I have been open.
If you have been special.

Why don’t people like me?
Why can’t I be loved?
I could love.

I want to go away.
I need to go away.
I’m away now but I’m here.
I’m just here.

Am I in the right mental state for a do over?
Would I just fuck it all up again?

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Obligatory “I’m Coming Back” Post

So this is my obligatory “I’m going to start blogging again” post.  Not that there are a lot of people, if any, reading right now but that is to be expected since I don’t post a lot.  Hell, I haven’t posted in months.  I am going to start working harder on gaining new readers and posting on a regular basis.  This is going to be a lot of life journal and things I’m going through so if that’s not what you’re interested in…I guess it won’t work between us.  We’re going to have to breakup.   #funnyface

One of the other things I want to start writing about is my sex life.  I know that is also going to be something that a lot of people probably won’t be into but I really want to start using this blog as a journal, which I have in the past, and as a “session with a therapist,” if you will.  I know there are a lot of things that I should be unpacking with a therapist but for now I’m going to have to use this blog.  (That is one of the things I’m looking forward to when I get insurance thanks to “Obamacare” as everyone likes to derogatorily call it.)  I hope you find my therapy writing sessions interesting.  I do think opening up about a lot of things will – and can – help others because most of us think we are alone in our struggles when in fact we are not.

But, today’s topic is going to be about work and stress.  I’m going to try not to make this very long because there is another post I would like to get written, or at least mostly written, for tomorrow.  I would like to start posting at least 4 times a week, at the least.  I know some days there really isn’t anything new and exciting to talk about, but we will just have to sit back together and see what happens.

So we all know – or should know – stress can kill you.  I have heard a lot of people talk about how if you’re sick or going through a big medical problem/disease, you need to try and reduce stress as much as possible.  My mother suffered, and eventually died from, cancer for most of my life. My dad worked tirelessly to make sure she was as happy, comfortable, and as stress free as she could possibly be.  That was one of his two biggest goals and challenges, and jobs, really, while she was sick.  I think that is also the reason she lived so much longer than her doctors thought she would and why she did as well, for as long, as she did.  That was part of how she was able to not give up and give in to the disease.  That and the fact that she had me and I was her biggest life goals.  I remember my dad saying after she passed that her biggest goal was to see me turn 18.  She did not get to do that but she tried.

So keeping that in mind, I am trying really hard not to get stressed.  There are some things that we just can’t do anything about and there is no productive reason for us to bitch about those things or stress about those things.  Well, today I learned of another thing that I would normally want to stress about but I’m just going to tell my self not to stress and that everything will be okay.

Payroll might not clear the bank this week.  And, on top of that, when I hold off until Monday to cash my check, it could bounce.  We get paid on Friday.  Today my boss asked if there was any way some of my employees might be able to wait to get paid.

“No, I really don’t think so,” I said.

Yes, let’s tell my ghetto employees who are only here for their paycheck and not because this is any kind of career for them that they need to wait a few extra days to get paid.  On top of that, let’s tell my employees who don’t even fucking make that much that they have to wait to get paid.  No, no that will not work.

It is difficult enough, and big enough of a deal that I’m going to wait to cash my check.  I know I’m helping them out with that and I pretty much offered that solution before he had to ask.  I’m not sure if he would have asked, but I offered.  I’m making a sacrifice for them and I really hope they see that as being as big of a deal as that really is!  That is not just me waiting until next week to cash my check.  That is me, someone who does not really make that much money in the grand scheme of things, and someone who does not have any savings, waiting an entire weekend extra to cash my check when I have bills due on Friday. Not only do I have bills due but I also don’t have a whole not of money to tide me over until then.  The said fact of my life, and I know this part is my fault, is that I live paycheck to paycheck.  Granted, I realize that is not his fault.  But that is the fact of the matter and that is something that I am going to have to deal with this weakened.  I also realize that it is not my problem to have to wait until Monday to cash my check when I am supposed to be paid every other Friday.  Additionally, I’m going to have to make some phone calls and see if some of the bills that I have due on Friday can wait until next week.  I don’t know what I’m going to do if they say no.

What I’m going to try not to do is jump to conclusions, which is something that I normally like to do.  I’m very good at that.  I’m not going to think about the fact that we could be about to lose the company even though I really don’t think that is the case.  I’m also not going to think about the possibility of them getting rid of my job so that they can save some money.  I’m not going there right now.

This does, however, make me think more about the fact that I really do need to look for another job, and soon!  There are some other things that have happen that I want to talk about and write about but I will do that in a later post.  I will say this though: I feel like if I don’t get the fuck out of this area, and from away from these people, I’m going to lose my goddamn mind!

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The Prozac is Wearing Off

Good times.

Fluoxetine (Prozac), an SSRI

Fluoxetine (Prozac), an SSRI (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not really, but not horrible, either.

At least not yet.

I haven’t taken my Prozac in several days but that is partially because I’m running out of money and I’m also running out of Prozac.  I just took 3 pills, my normal dose (not with my current doctor but with my old doctor).

The doctor I’m going to now – because my old doctor is no longer in business – prescribed me 40MG a day.  That would be two pills a day which, I realize, is better than taking what I’m currently taking which is…two or three pills every few days with little regularity.  I realize this, but still….

I just counted and I have 13 pills left.  There are 11 days until I get paid again.  If I call now maybe I can get an appointment on that 11th day.  I think taking one pill a day would be better than what I have been doing.  Hell, it isn’t like I have much of a choice.  I could see if a friend of mine has any medicine left but I really don’t want to start something new.  I did that before when I was completely out – for a while – and what she gave me I believe was expired.  I wanted to kill myself by the time I got more Prozac.

I could also ask my boss because she said if I needed I could get a few pills from her because I guess she was prescribed it but never takes it.  I don’t know why.  I believe she and I had the conversation that it helps her but, like me, I guess she’s just hard headed.

Another thing that hot me down is that I saw a gay guy who looked cute today.  He was from the capital and I believe where it works, and probably lives, is near a big gay, trendy, area.  I wish I weren’t ugly but that’s the way I feel.  I just feel like I’m not good enough.  And to be honest, I’m not.

Nothing about me is good enough.  I don’t look good, I’m not the best at my job, I haven’t been able to write and I don’t really think I’m smart enough to, anyway, and I don’t have a lot of money.

This is what life with depression is like.

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Dental Update

I wanted to give everyone reading a little update.  I don’t know if you follow my tweets, or see them on the side of this site, but I sent out a few about being nervous about going to the dentist…and then being nervous sitting in the dentist, this

Wisdom Teeth

Wisdom Teeth (Photo credit: tarale)

morning.

I’m out, and so are two of my teeth: he pulled the tooth that was hurting along with the wisdom tooth right next to it.  The wisdom tooth needed to come out anyway.  Now I only have one more wisdom tooth left that will eventually need to come out.  I still say that I would like to have that one remaining wisdom tooth removed with someone who can put me to sleep.  I said that the last time I had my other two wisdom teeth removed but was a dumbass and didn’t do it.  At least I know this doctor, who took out one of my wisdom teeth before, can do it.  He’s really, REALLY good!  They are very good with people who are fucking chickens!

So I just wanted to say that at the moment I’m fine.  The last two times I’ve had teeth removed I don’t recall being in pain afterwards.  Maybe a little discomfort, but not pain.  Several people have said that I will be in pain over the next couple of days but I’m hoping that’s not true.  The doctor didn’t say that.

It has bleed longer than I thought it should.  I have smoked when I said I wasn’t going to but I have but I’ve been very gentle about it.  I’m hoping I don’t get a dry socket!  I’ve heard those are a bitch and a half!

I could have sworn I was told to wait 2 or 3 days after having the tooth pulled before smoking.  This time they told me a couple of hours.  After I went online I just saw someone say 48 to 72 hours…that’s 2 to 3 days.  I’m hoping since I have been pull on the cigarette very, very slowly and softly it will not mess anything up or cause problems.  That and I’ve had the gauze pad over the area.  But I think when I remove the gauze pad I really do need to stop smoking, at least for a couple of days.

So, for now, I’m fine.  I’ll keep you updated.  Thanks for reading!

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My Own Bit of Personal Hell

So let me begin this by saying, at the moment, I am in no pain.  For that I am very grateful!!!  I have been in no pain for about a day now.  And the only real hellish pain was one night, Thursday night, and I hope we don’t go back to that place.

I am, however, tired, weak, and feeling “funny.”  At times I get the sweats that almost remind me of the beginning of those two times I had the panic attacks.  That was some hell, I just want to let you know!  I really feel for anyone who has really bad panic attacks because I felt like I was about to die!

So the reason I’m in my own little personal hell right now is because of a toothache.  I have a tooth right next to my wisdom tooth that has cracked off, eroded you might say, and I think is splitting in half.  I’ve known about this problem for a little while but it hasn’t hurt.  Until now!

Earlier in the week it started hurting and I was hoping it would hurt for a little while and then go away.  I’ve had that problem with this particular tooth, and my other wisdom teeth, before.  But I guess this is worse.

Thursday night it had me in so much fucking pain that I swear to god I just wanted to blow my brains out!  I was on the way from work to the city I live in to go to the ER but on my way home, thankfully, it quit hurting so I just came home.  The next morning, Friday, I called to the dentist I’ve gone to before and his office was closed on Friday.  I called to some other dentists and they don’t take my insurance.  I called my insurance for a list of providers and they told me since there is no network they don’t have a list of providers.  I will just have to call around until I find one that accepts it.  And if I can’t find one, or the dentist I want to see doesn’t accept it, I can pay out of pocket and then submit something for reimbursement.  Well that’s convenient if you don’t have a lot of money now isn’t it.

So in the mean time I have been gargling with peroxide and a couple of times put Clove Oil on it to help draw out any infection.  Both of which can agitate it and case a little pain when I’m not already feeling any.  A lady from work did give me 4 pain pills; I don’t know which ones, in case I get into a lot of pain.  I haven’t had to take them yet but will keep them just in case.

Today I’m going to try to eat something because I’m getting hungry and I think that’s why I’ve been so weak.  I’ve been taking a lot of Advil but no food.  I also took my Prozac for the last 2 days because I’ve been getting near that crazy place because of the worry over my tooth.

I truly don’t know what I’m going to do if my dentist a.) can’t/won’t pull the tooth or b.) is going to charge me more than $200.  While I’m not in pain I’m trying not to think about that, though.  I’ll leave that bridge to worry about when I have to cross it.  Or when I start hurting again.

It doesn’t help that I haven’t felt good in several days and am supposed to be doing a big project for work.  Everything for the project is supposed to be done before Friday, along with everything else I need to do, and I’m not sure that it will be finished in time.  I might have to tell them we have to push the deadline back a little.

I’m beginning to feel a little lightheaded again.  I go through these spells lately.  I don’t know why.  This has caused me to really worry about my whole body, medically, and what might/could happen.  I don’t deal well with pain and sickness.

And while I wouldn’t do anything now that my father is still alive, it has made me think a lot about the possibility of suicide.  If it will make the pain stop, I don’t see how it’s a bad idea.  And it’s not like I have a lot of friends that will miss me.  That is something I want to talk about later.

I’ve got to get the strength to get showered and dressed now so I can go to the store.  I think I’m going to get some Boost because I think that has the vitamins you need.  Along with going to KFC for some mashed potatoes and gravy and macaroni and cheese.    Maybe that will be some good carbs to fill my stomach and give me a little energy.  I do feel really weak.  Not long after I woke up at noon I wanted to lie back down because I felt a little weird/weak.  The weird feeling is a little difficult to explain.

But for now I’m fine.  I’m making it through.

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