The Day I Might have Quit

Well since I did take my Prozac yesterday I am feeling a little better today.  That or the children at work weren’t here today…so that may have also added to the better mood.

On another note, I think I might have decided to quit smoking today.  I wasn’t planning on it but somebody came by and they were talking to me and another lady about her having just quit.  I had no plans of quitting right now but when she started talking about it, and the lady I was working with agreed it was a good idea, I started thinking about it.

So I told the lady I was working with that I would quit if she would and we had to turn over our smokes to the strong-willed non-smoker among us.  She will also be our cheerleader.  Right now…I could fucking use one!

What I’m afraid of is what I’m going to do when I’m left to my own vices.  What I might do when I’m not at work and passing by the gas station.

Or like right this fucking moment….  I’m thinking about going and getting one because I want to smoke really, really, really fucking bad!  What I DO NOT want to do is start eating every-fucking-thing in sight!  I don’t want to get big as a fucking house because I actually need to LOSE weight, not gain it.

Since I’m not going to be spending money on cigarettes, I might go buy a scale.

Fuck me, fuck me now!

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Seriously, right now I want to at least go buy a Black & Mild to smoke that.  Like…I’m really fucking tempted to!

But the lady I work with who has quit smoking said she was proud of me when I gave her my cigarettes, two and a half fucking packs, to throw away for me.  She even hugged me.  I don’t want to let her down BUT I REALLY WANT TO FUCKING SMOKE!!!!!

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4.19.12

I have got to start taking my Prozac every fucking day, otherwise I’m going to lose my fucking mind!  If you have ever lived with depression and mild bi-polar it can be a really big bitch!

And to make it even worse, people at work are acting like fucking children!  All that is doing is aggravating my fucking problems.

I wish I were rich.  Then I wouldn’t have to put up with this fucking bullshit and I could just stay at home, under the fucking covers, anytime I wanted to!

Some days it would have been better to just stay in bed and this is one of those days.  I think tomorrow is looking the same.  I’m going to take a pill right now.  I’ve really got to start doing that every day!

Fuck me is really all I have to say right now.

I know, this one wasn’t interesting, but it did feel good to vent and let it out.

A Lonely Heart

We make a lot of our own mistakes.  I know I’m making one with my love life.

The first mistake I’m making I think is the biggest one of all and it causes others: I’m fat.

I think the reason I am 32, still single, and never really had a boyfriend is because I’m fat, out of shape, and don’t look like most in the gay community, and certainly don’t look “acceptable” to the community.  Therefore, nobody wants to date me.

I think I’m a nice person but I do often times have a crappy look on my face which might also be helping me repel potential suitors, but I think my biggest problem is the fact that I’m about 60 to 80 pounds overweight.

Since I’m fat and very self conscious about the way I look it makes me even more shy than I already am.  Hell, maybe if I didn’t look so bad I wouldn’t be shy at all.  I don’t know.  I have never known the answer to that question because since the 3rd grade I have been fat and ugly.

The mistake I’m making is that I keep talking about wanting to lose weight and get it shape but I also keep doing absolutely nothing about it.  I don’t work out or eat right.  I did lose a few pounds because I did start to walk and run after work but then I let work get in the way again so I stopped going to the track.  And I still haven’t joined the gym even though I keep talking about it.

The second mistake is that I’m not getting out there and trying to meet people.  I can’t date people at work because I work with a very small group of people, and most importantly, I’m the boss so I can’t and wouldn’t date employees.

But I really think I would make a good boyfriend.  That’s what I really want.  I want to love and be loved.  I want somebody I can marry, grow old with, and know that no matter what happens I will also have him to pick me up when I’m down and that I can do the same for.  I want somebody to snuggle with at night.  I want somebody to have sex with when I’m horny.  I want somebody to share my life with and that wants to share my life.

I also think I would be good domestically, which is a plus.  I just want somebody so bad but I don’t, at least not yet, want somebody who is not everything – or most of the things – that I’m looking for.  I don’t want somebody who is mean and abusive but I can also kind of see why some people would get into that situation.  Some people would just go there because they feel it is better to have somebody than nobody.  I’m not there yet, but I don’t know if I will feel that way forever.

I watch these couples on YouTube and am just so fucking jealous until it’s not even funny.  They seem happy, in love, and that’s so what I’m looking for!

The other mistake I’m making is living in the place I live because there aren’t many gay people around.  I am between two big cities, both about an hour away, that does have a larger gay population but I’m not even looking in those places.  I need to lose weight and start looking.  If I still don’t find somebody around my area then it’s really time to move.  I’m 32 and not getting any fucking younger!

Who Are You

For the last several days I’ve had 5 people come to my site.

When I started the site I did it not only to write my life, but I also wanted readers.  I would love to have people leave comments and maybe some of you could help me and maybe I could help you, too.

But now that I have people coming to it, even if it is only 5 people, I’m kind of surprised.  So, who are you?

I would love for your to leave me a comment, or send me an email, letting me know who you are…maybe say a little about yourself.

Peace!