Can I Run Away?

Big surprise, I’ve been away for a while. Quite a while, really. Since I don’t have many readers I guess it’s not a big deal. Altgough I’m sure I would have more readers if I would post more but that’s something I’ve talked about before. 

Nonetheless, it’s always a good idea to be negative right out of the gate. But, that’s pretty much how I feel right now. It’s how I have felt for a while now. 

As I write this I’m sitting in my car with the air running in the parking lot of a Starbucks. 

Ok, change of location. Now I’m resting my iPad on the trunk of my y lifecar while I smoke a cigarit outside. Still, though, in the parking lot of a Starbucks. 

Since last posting there have been quite a few changes in my life. Pretty big changes.  All of which I plan to write about, have been planning to write about, as soon as I figure out how much I want to say. And as soon as I get out if this depression I have been in. At the moment the depression is pretty big and it is manifesting itself in anger. That is usually what happens for a while before the despair sets in. Though when the despair sets in I am still angry with people, and myself. Mainly with other people. 

Right now I really feel like I just want to run away. I have been feeling like that fir a while lately. I get the urge a lot, it seems.  

Yesterday I had a small fight with someone at work which really, really pissed me off. Then today there was a bigger fight with someone that just pisses me off. I’m not so much pissed at the lady today, I’m pissed about the fight and I think it’s a petty issue which really pisses me off the most. And I’m not apologizing for anything so…there you go. If space is what she wants then space is what she will get. 

I left work for an hour so I could wait before going back until she isn’t there anymore. I thought it was the best thing to do because had I stayed there and she tried to say anything to me I know I would end up saying something she wouldn’t like and something I would refuse to apologize for.  

Quick Thoughts on the Paula Deen Issue and Race

Oh there are some people who aren’t going to like this, but it’s the truth.

So everyone is up in arms with Paula Deen and what she said.  At first I was thinking…people are getting a little carried away.  And I really got upset today when I heard that the Food Network will not be renewing her contract that is set to expire at the end of this month.  Then…I did a little digging.

So here’s the thing: I like Paula Deen.  Some people say her voice is fake, (that is coming from a “friend” of mine who doesn’t like her but that “friend” is just a bitch anyway) but I love listening to her.  I even bought her memoir on audio because she read it and I like hearing her talk.  She seems like a nice person – from what I have seen on TV.  I also saw that she, at least at one point, had a gay personal assistant and I know she has some gay help with hair, makeup and wardrobe.  I think that is even something she has said in an interview before.  I do think she is genially a nice person!  And I do hate to hear what is happening to her and I do not think she is a mean or bad person!  With that being said….

I saw online that the transcript was leaked on a deposition she did.  I read over what Huffington Post used in an article they did: it doesn’t make her look good.  But then I read some of the actual transcript and it actually makes her look worse, I think.  But part of me really believes she did not think this would be out in public and that it was better to tell the truth – since she didn’t think it would be leaked – than lie and stick to something politically correct.  And keep in mind, I have not read every word!  All I did was skim through parts of the news articles and transcript!  At the moment I’m not interested enough to read every word!

So now we know Paula doesn’t always know when to keep her mouth closed and she’s capable of horrible fucking ideas when she thought for a minute about doing a “plantation-style wedding.”  That was stupid.  But have any of us not also come up with some stupid ideas?  I think we have.  The problem is she let too many people know about them.  Sometimes you just need to keep a few things between your fucking ears and never let those ideas escape your mouth!

And she shouldn’t use phrases like “I try to go with whatever the black race is wanting to call themselves at each given time. I try to go along with that and remember that.”  (This phrase comes directly from the transcript, not from a news report I have read.)

Now for real life, here comes the real truth: people are racist.  In the year 2013 there are still a ton of people who are racist.  Especially people in the fucking south!  How do I know this?  Because I’m from the fucking south and that is not something that I admit to a lot of people!  Do I think what she said is right?  No!  Do I think she should be burned at the stake for it?  No!  Why?  Because all these people who want to burn her at the stake need to clean out their own fucking closets before they try to complain about the skeletons in hers!

The honest truth is that most people in the south area at least a little racist.  And when I say that I am including black people.  I can tell you from personal experience there are a lot of black people who do not like white people and they do not like having to deal with them!  There is still a ton of people who are racist in this country and I do not know how that will ever change.  Part of me thinks we’re just going to have to wait for them to die off.  I know that sounds bad but I don’t know any other way to put it that will make it sound better.  Just like the progression in gay rights, we are going to have to wait for the people who don’t like us to die off and get out of office before we will be able to completely progress to where we should be.  I feel the same way about civil rights and people who are racist.

You have to remember that it was not all that long ago that schools were segregated in this country.  The Civil Rights movement didn’t come about until the 1960s.  That is less than 60 years ago!  There are still a lot of people – black people – who are very distrusting of white people.  Is that good?  No.  Is that substantiated?  Yes.  Do we all need to move past that?  Yes.  Will we?  I’m not really holding out hope anymore.

I just hope Paula Deen has enough money to continue her lifestyle without working anymore.  I’m not saying she won’t work in the future, or won’t make money, but I really hope she can continue her current lifestyle…or live even better!  I still like her and really don’t think she meant to do anything “bad.”  She’s just from a different generation and I guess nobody told her how to be politically correct after she got money.  I still don’t think she should completely be excused, but part of me does think she should have been a little less honest in the deposition.

These are just some quick thoughts I’m having right now.  Race in America is something that I have been wanting to write about.  These are just quick thoughts and I’m not taking the time to go back and edit this and make it sound better or more professional.  I think race is something that we need to talk about because there are a lot of people who have some work to do regarding this subject.  While we have moved a long way, there is still a much further way we need to move.

Was Paula wrong for what she said?  YES!

What are your honest thoughts and opinions on this?

Life Happens

So life has been happening.  Which, is a good thing, but it can occasionally get in the way of other plans.

Coffee shop, café.

Coffee shop, café. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s actually a good thing because I’ve been socializing more.  I met a couple people who are friends with some other people I meet at the coffee house I always go to so for the last…3 days, I think…I’ve been talking to them instead of writing.

A couple of days ago – 3, 4, I don’t remember – I came up here with the sole intentions of getting some work done.  My friends were here so I talked to them the entire time.  2 days ago, I thought the same thing but while I was taking a break outside these other friends – and by friends I just mean new aquatints – came up and sat with me.  We talked for the rest of the night until it was time for the coffee shop to close.

Yesterday I pretty much knew work wasn’t going to happen, and I was right: it didn’t.

Today I didn’t leave work – after fucking something up and having to fix it – until almost 9.  I sat outside with the aquatints for a little while and then came inside.  They close at 10 and I don’t have a lot of time.

As soon as I sat down at a table inside and opened my laptop my real friend came in.

For the moment she’s busy helping them at the shop because she’s off but they were busy today, thus behind on their closing duties.  I’m writing this quick post while she works.

I really had meant to start writing every day…at least every other day.  Clearly that ship went down in flames.  But I will try to get better…that’s the bright side.

I actually have a few posts in mind that you might find interesting.  All things that have to do with things going on in my life right now.

  1. I need to decide what I want to do when I grow up.  I know it isn’t what I’m doing right now.  I’m getting more and more tired of my job, and not just my job but my profession.  I’m beginning to think I want to start doing something that doesn’t have me in charge.  However, I don’t want to make a lot less money than I’m making right now.
  2. I started, but haven’t yet finished, a post that is basically about getting rid of bad friends.  I have one that I need to get rid of.

So that’s something to look forward to.  I would also like to expound on a few things that I wrote on my “Fear List,” especially the thing about suicide.  I do have something intelligent to say about that.

Anyway, thanks for reading.  COMMENT!  Follow, and all those other good things!

 

Manic?

It is 1:27AM on Wednesday, April 24, 2013.

I think I might start saying when I actually write a post.  Some days, like today, I have been meaning to write a couple but I don’t want to post five entries in one day and then not post anything for the next five or more days.  I mean, I know I’ve said I was going to start writing more often and never do.  But…I really am going to try.

But leave me a comment!  Tell me what YOU would like me to do?  Would you rather me post things as soon as I write them even if it’s five things in one day?  I want to increase my followers and I’m just not sure if that would be a good thing or not.  I mean, I do want what I write to be read so…I’m thinking posting something every day might be good.  Just one post a day.  Then sometimes I might post two things in one day.  And I’m going to tell you now…don’t think I will post something EVERY day.  That just won’t happen.  I don’t think I can do that, especially right now.  And I don’t want to post variations on the same thing every day like “I’m feeling crazy” today.  Eventually that shit will get tired.

Look, this is just a work in progress.  I’m not completely sure what I’m going to do.  I think I’m rambling now.

Anyway.

I’ve wondering if I’m feeling a little manic right now.  Well, it’s not that I’m “feeling” a little manic, I just wonder if at the moment I’m not experiencing a state of mania.  This is why.

I was going to try going to bed earlier.  I had actually crawled into bed with my laptop at about 9:50 today.  (By tonight I so totally mean Tuesday night the 23rd because as far as I’m concerned it’s still Tuesday night because I haven’t sent to sleep yet.)  My plan was to read a few blogs that I found and then call it a night.  I was going to try to go to bed by 10:30 or 11 at the latest and, hopefully, get a good nights sleep.

Last night, Monday night, I did go to bed at midnight but I woke up at 3 with slight heartburn and having to pee.  Then I couldn’t go back to sleep until around 5.  I almost got up and said the hell with it and went to work but then I fell asleep.  Then I let my clock go off at 8, I think, and set it for 8:30 and the next thing I knew it was 9:30 and I should have been at work 30 minutes before I woke up.  That’s normally for me.  That’s something I really need to fucking change!

Anyway, back to tonight.  At almost 10 my boss texts me asking if I’m tried of the way this company does things.  She was trying to find out if I was past the point of no return yet or not.

I don’t really know what she would have done if I had said yes, and I’m not sure if talking to her about it would do any good.  More on that at a later time.

The point is I was somewhere I should not have been at the time she called.  I was supposed to be somewhere else (Vague, right? I know, this part of confusion is intentional but I’m keeping it that way for privacy matters.) so I got out of bed and left the place I should not have been because I didn’t want her calling me.

Anyway, I went back to my office and started doing some work.  I didn’t have anything better to do so I did.  I was going to clean things up a bit because, I swear.  My fucking office looks like a god damn file cabinet exploded in there and all the fucking paper humped like hell and multiplied like mother-fucking rabbits!  I mean it really is a problem.  If you want to talk about being unorganized, that is totally what my office looks like at the moment.

Anyway.  I did a little work and then left.  I came to the Diner where I have been for…at least 2 hours, drinking coffee and working.

Now the good thing is this: I needed to get this work done.  I needed a little extra time in my day.  Especially since I didn’t come into work today until 11 and I left around…hell, I don’t remember.  I think around 7 or 7:30, but still.  I have a lot I need to do.  It’s not like I went to work on time on Monday, either.  And I sure didn’t work past 6 because I had another date.  Did I write about that yet?  I don’t remember.  I did.  I think.  I think I went to the Coffee House and wrote about it today while I was on “lunch.”  Or was that yesterday.  See, I just can’t keep shit straight.  No, I know the answer to this, it’s an open book test.  I have the blog right in front of me so let me look.

Yes, it was today that I wrote about that…good for me.  So anyway.

The downside to this is that it is 2AM right now and I should be sleeping.  I do not do well getting up early, any day.  Especially on the days that I didn’t get much sleep!  I mean it’s nothing for me to sleep for 10 hours so getting only 4 or 5 hours just isn’t good for me.  Not to mention then I get really tired during the day and afternoon.

So back to right now.  I don’t know if this is mania or if I’m just concentrating and being productive.  What’s the difference?  How do you know what’s what? (I should totally look into that and write about it later.)

I know I have a problem concentrating.  And it’s usually late at night, I think, when I really can concentrate and get things done.  I mean sometimes at night and can go at it for a few hours on end and not be interrupted.  But most of the time, anytime, I will start something and then immediately get sidetracked.

The internet is the worst thing.  I can sit down to write and then end up going to YouTube or Amazon and looking at things and the next thing I know it’s 3 hours later and I’m halfway around the internet.  Then I end up getting tired or running out of time and I don’t write anything.  And the whole reason I sat down in the first place was to write something…or do something else that I just end of not doing.

But I’ve experienced this feeling before.  It’s almost like when I used to smoke pot.

Now I never smoked an illegal drug, but if I had this is how it made me feel.

I would go on and on and on talking for, what seemed like, hours on the stupidest subject.  I could go on endlessly about the way a blade of grass looked.  It was a very hard concentration.  I do wish I could get that feeling when I’m working during the day.  I would be much more productive if I could.

I’ve thought about looking into seeing if my doctor would put me on something for ADD because I REALLY think I have it.  I think I would be better at work if I took something like Adderall.  I don’t know.

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Dating

So I’ve gone on a date!

I meet this guy online, on a website that is mainly used for hooking up.  Actually, when the site first came out that IS all it was used for.  Now they have a “networking” option…you can put on your profile that you are looking to “network” which I think is total bullshit because who…and mean…what the fuck!

Anyway.

I saw him and even looked at his profile but thought I wouldn’t have a snowballs chance in hell with him so I didn’t send him a message.  And day later, I think, I got a funny little message from him that was a joke on what I had written in my profile.  I thought, good!

Damn there’s a crying fucking baby in the cafe right now that really needs to be taken out!

Back to my story….

So we talked online for a few hours over a few days and then we even talked on the phone for 4 hours one night.

The next day we meet at a cafe for coffee and stayed there talking for like 3 hours.  Then he said he was going home because he was tired but I found out later he went to his friends house.  I though…?… but I didn’t say anything.  Then I didn’t really think about it anymore.

We talked for about an hour that night, I think, then yesterday we meet for drinks.  We hung out for about 5 hours.  We haven’t had sex yet, which I’m fine with, but that might be the problem.

I really don’t know what he’s thinking but I think I could really like him.  He seems okay.  There are a couple issues I don’t like but I think the problem we might have is that he’s a bottom, too!  So am I!

I never, in a million fucking years, would have guessed that he was a bottom.  I thought he was a top.  I mean, I know this is stereotyping, but let’s look at a few facts, shall we!

1.  He used to be MARRIED!  And NOT to a man…to a WOMAN!

They got married because, according to his story, after only having sex three times they got pregnant.  That sucks.  So they were married for a little while – I don’t know how long – but divorced after they lost the child about…3 weeks after it was born, I think he said.

I asked him what his life would have been like now had the baby not died.  He said nothing would be different except half his check would be going to her to help support the baby.  I was wondering if he would still be married because he sounded like the sex wasn’t a huge problem but they also didn’t have much of it.  I don’t know.  I wouldn’t mind pressing a little more into that subject because I do find it a bit interesting.

I mean, I can’t relate to that…and I told him as much.  But I can’t relate to that becuase while he might be somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale, I’m a firm fucking 6!  I’m gay.  I mean GAY gay!  And I like that.

And, on a quick side-note  he wanted to see how I would act if I got drunk and last night he succeeded in finding out.  I asked him what he thought but I never got a good answer.  I was wondering if I should text him today or leave him alone but just now, as I’m writing this, I think I will text him to see if I can get a better answer out of him.  And I’m curious if he wants to talk today.

I mean, this is a problem I have with dating: I don’t know what the fuck to do!?!  My new friend from the cafe is out of town this week so I can’t even ask her.  I certainly can’t ask my Old Friend…that’s her name, by the way, Old Friend.  I’ll be writing about her later but haven’t gotten around to it yet.  Maybe later tonight.

P.S.: I texted him and he texted back and said “Haha.  He was okay.  It was fun.”  I retexted him and said “”Okay.”  Bite Me.”

What?!?  I’m just “okay!?!?”  Fuck you.  Anyway.

I really don’t know where this is going.  I wouldn’t mind being friends with him at the least, but then again I don’t know if I have the energy to do that right now.  I mean, I do really need someone to date.  I need a relationship.  I think I might be entering desperate territory and that’s not a good thing.  I really know that’s not a good thing!  I don’t want to be that person and I don’t want to settle for someone but then I was thinking, “I’m not really the person whom anyone good would want to date.”  That is something I need to think about and write about later.

I need to go now.  I need to go back to work.  I just wanted to make a quick post and tell you what I was doing right now.  What happen.  I’ll talk more about the trip I was going to take, later.

P.P.S.: He texted back saying “Boo.  You read in to that negatively. :-p”

We will just have to ride the ride and see where this goes.

 

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A Little Housekeeping on God

So I saw something that made me want to make a little “housekeeping” note.  I wanted to say something about my blog and the followers of my blog.

First and foremost, I must say this: I am very thankful to everyone who follows and reads my blog.  When I say “follows,” I’m assuming those people actually read the words I wrote.  All of them.  And I would love for more people to comment.  I don’t get a lot of comments but I also know I’m not, yet, known for posting on a regular basis.  That is something I’m going to try very hard to start doing.  I think it would both help me increase my followers and readers, but it would also help me.  It would help me by getting some of this stuff out.

Surprisingly, and I think this isn’t something that is unique to me, it helps to write this stuff down.  To journal.  This blog is basically my journal.  I used to keep one on my computer, before that I used to keep on my pad and paper, and I never knew why.  I always thought maybe I would go back later and use parts of it for some of the stores I wanted to write.  If I will actually do that, I don’t know.  If some of my experiences will ever become part of the characters I will write in the future, I don’t know.

On a related note, I have since lost all of the old journals I had.  I also lost most of the ones I kept on the computer because they were on diskette.  All of my things were stolen from a storage unit I once rented so that is one of the reasons I also thought I would start posting online.  That way I felt my journal would be safe.  It would be somewhere online and if I ever lost valuable possessions again, I would at least be able to go on the internet, to my site, and get them.  Hopefully that will be true, but more importantly, I hope I don’t lose anything else like that again.  It wasn’t a very good experience.  Especially since I was in the middle of a house move and everything I had, that I had worked for a built up, was lost.  Anyway.

So keeping in mind that I am thankful and appreciate of all of my followers, I noticed one that made me stop and think.  It is from a religious person…I think a preacher.  That made me stop and pause.

The reasons it made me pause is two-fold.  First, I am gay.  I make it very evident.  It is one of the things in my life that I am most proud of.  It takes, even know, I think, a lot of strength and courage to be gay in public.  While we are getting a tremendous amount of support and forward progress, there is still work that needs to be done.  It is even more evident that must progress still needs to be made in the country and south.

While I don’t live in the “deep south,” I am very close to it.  I am lucky.  I live in a reasonably nice place where I don’t actually fear for my life for being out and proud.  I have a gay sticker on my car.  Everyone I know knows I’m gay and everyone I work with does as well.  I am very proud of that.  I love the gay person I am.  While I might have mental issues that I need to deal with and fix, being gay is not something I am ashamed of in the least.  I will shout it to the world from the rooftops.

The second thing that gives me pause is the fact that I do have “mental issues.”  I have depression.  Might be slightly bipolar and god knows what else.

Seeing that I’m gay and have mental issues, and considering some of the people I have meet and been around, I have a problem with “religious” people.  I don’t like religion and don’t honestly known why people would want to follow “god” considering the things that have been done and violent acts rendered in his name.

Additionally, there are a lot of people out there who feel like “god” can cure, heal, and fix all the mental problems people have.  They also feel like being gay is wrong and you need to know god and he will “deliver” you from the “evilness.”  I couldn’t disagree with that more.

Now I don’t know this person.  I don’t know exactly what he or she believes.  I tried looking at some of the posts and they just seem a bit outlandish for me.  I would almost describe it as philosophical religion.  I just can’t bear to read it.  I’m sorry.

But I want to be very clear on this one thing: I do not feel that I would be better off if I believed in god.  I think religion can be beneficial to some people, but I still don’t believe in it.

Maybe I will later write more on my feelings on religion and the people I think it can help.  But I also thin it has hurt more people than it has helped.

Thanks for reading, and COMMENT and subscribe!  🙂

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A Thought

There is something about the show Friends.  I would watch that show every day…even though I have probably seen all the episodes.  I even like watching it when it’s in the background while I’m doing something else around the house.  Will and Grace is the same way.  

But I think the thing with Friends is because I have always wanted that life.  Friends to hang out with, live with, enjoy.  It’s the loneliness that I feel and have always had in my life that I would like to get rid of…I don’t have the life I really want…and I never have.  

 

[I think I’m going to start doing more of the “thoughts.”  I might start posting them more.  Quick little bits because, like I said, it would be good to get them off my chest just for the hell of it and this is my journal.]