Unnecessary

(Written 12.31.14)
So I had to go to Walmart for a couple things tonight and I’m not good at just going in for what I need – what is supposed to be on my list – and leaving.  I’m especially not good and making it a quick trip if I just got off work.  Why?  I don’t know.

New K-Cup Canister

New K-Cup Canister

Backing up to a couple weeks ago, my coffee pot “broke” when I accidentally threw away the brew basket.  (Long story we’re not getting into right now.)  So, one night, again, after work, I went to Walmart to buy a new coffee pot because I was tired of not having coffee in the morning.

So while I was walking around looking for a coffee pot, I was trying to find the cheapest one I could that was a 4-cup coffee maker with a timer.  Maybe if I had coffee waiting for me when I rolled my fat ass out of bed I would be more included to get out of bed one time.

Side note: I’ve tried this before and it totally doesn’t even work for me.  In fact, I have even gotten up, had a couple of cups of coffee along with a few smokes, and then went back to bed for “30 minutes” which turned into about 3 hours.  ON a fucking WORK DAY, no less.  But anyway….

And so I found the 2 different ones that I was thinking about getting and I couldn’t make up my mind.  I think I did finally make up my mind and I put one of them in the buggy.  I was about the leave the isle and on my way out of that isle I looked to my left as I was pushing my buggy and ….

…. I saw the Keurigs.

So here’s the thing.  I have been thinking about these.  A good friend of mine just got one of these and another friend of mine has had one for a while.  Both really like them.  At first, when they first came out, I was totally opposed to them because a) I’m a little bit of a coffee snob, and b) I never have “one cup.”  In fact, the mugs I use are pretty big.  So the little 4-cup coffee makers I always buy – more than that and I’ll burn it so I’d just rather make several pots – are perfect for me.  And, it’s not like I ever have anyone over in my house.

But lately I have been thinking about them more and more because I realized they have multiple settings.  And I have had a few cups of coffee from them and some of them aren’t bad.  Plus you can buy those little things – which I bought one of and still haven’t used – that allows you to use your own grownds.  So, with that little accessory I can be a coffee snob and still make one cup at a time.

So…I bought one.

When I got it home I opened it and made a cup of coffee before bed and LOVED IT!

I’m totally thinking about making a cup now because even though it’s 1 in the morning (December 31st to me but officially January 1, 2015) I wouldn’t mind having a cup of coffee.  And that’s just the thing!  Not only does it make a cup of coffee super quick, but you can really make one pretty good cup of coffee at a time.  PLUS, there’s no fucking mess!  That’s the other great part about it!  All you do is open the lid, pull the used k-cup out, and toss it!  NO MESS!

SO!  Six-hundred plus words later, we’re getting close to the point of this post so if you’ve made it this far just hang in a little longer because we’re getting close to the end….

Since I bought the Keurig, the one for home that night and the very next day I bought another one to have in my office at work, I have been thinking that I would like something nice to put my k-cups in.

I was thinking about that small rectangle decorative cardboard box you guy at some of the crafting stores.  You can also pick them up at TJ Maxx and the like.  I have one that would work.  Now that I think about it I don’t think I still have that one, but I still have several things I could use.  And while I was at Walmart I initially picked up a little $3 plastic screw-top container but when I say this, the picture above, I put it back and picked up not one, but 2 of these.  But the point is, and the bottom line, I DON’T FUCKING NEED THIS!

At home, there is nothing nice and pretty about my counter.  I’m living with my dad and he is very practical and there is NO space for anything.  He wouldn’t know something nice, or what it was for, if it hit him in the head.  He doesn’t like nice, he doesn’t do nice, he has no time for it.  How I turned out how I am is beyond me!  Actually, now that I say that…that happens to be something that I would like to spend quite some time writing about because I have some very strong opinions on that subject.

Anyway, nobody comes over so there is really no reason to have this.  But, I was thinking all of this when I was looking at it and putting them both in my buggy but I thought, “well, I can get and use this now and I will have something nice for my k-cups to be in when I move to my new apartment because all of this stuff is going with me.  The Keurig isn’t staying here because dad doesn’t like it or really use it.  So that will just be one less thing that I will have to buy when I find a home.

And as for my office…well…there’s a long story why I’m not putting my k-cups in cabinets there.  So I do kind of need something nice and tidy to put them in.  I could have only bought one but, oh well.  This is what I did.  And this is one of those things that I need to stop doing.  It is one of those things that makes me not have any money!

Now, on another side note, I think they’re kind of cute.  I mean, to be inexpensive.  I really like the glass version which has a brushed silver lid which is only a couple dollars more and I really kind of want to go buy several of them.  I mean, I’m not going to because I totally don’t have my own place right now so there’s no reason to buy more crap for a place I don’t have yet.  But, just sayin’.

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Life Update – Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Maybe I should start calling these quick “what I’ve been up to” posts “Life Updates.”  That sounds better than what I was using.  Not that I remember what I was using.  It’s early.  In fact, it’s fucking early!

Early bird coffee queue #picnic09

Early bird coffee queue #picnic09 (Photo credit: @10)

It’s 7:46 in the morning.  Do you know how early that is for me?!?

The sun is rising, dew is still drenching the cars, and I’m not only out of bed but I’m dressed and at the coffee shop!  Like I’m all put together and presentable.  I’m ready for the day!

And this is actually the second day in a row that I have gotten up early.  Yesterday was because I needed to have a one-on-one with a dumbass at work.  As per the usual she denied any wrongdoing.  She did catch me a little off guard.  I could be wrong, but I highly doubt it.  That’s okay though, if she wants to play hardball we can do that.  She is either about to turn into a really good employee or it’s about to get ugly.  Either way, I’m tired of playing with her.

But now on to a better subject: me!

I worked my butt off yesterday.  I went in at 6 in the morning and didn’t leave until 6 at night.  But when I left I came to the coffee shop and went over reports for work!  So I worked all day.  I left to go home about 7:30ish and just got ready for bed.  I’m not sure why it took me so long, unless I left closer to 8, but I was crawling into bed at 8:30.  I took a 3mg Melatonin and slept!

I did wake up about 10:30 to pee and in one of those night-time sleep stupid stoopers I ate like 7 or 8 Kit Kat singles that I bought – and never should have – in the grocery store the other day because I was hungry when I went shopping.  I’ve been getting those lately, the sleep eating stoopers.  Well, here’s the thing.

I also know I haven’t been eating regularly and we already know I don’t have any self control, especially when I’m tired.  And when you wake up in the middle of a heavy sleep to go pee you are clearly tired.  At least I am.  If I feel stupid – like I’m in a sleep-stooper – I pretty much know I’ll be able to go back to sleep.  But sometimes when I wake up I’m hungry and if I have something quick and easy to eat, I usually will.

The other day it was chips and dip but last week it was making a turkey and ham sandwich with the lunch meat I had bought.  I know, good idea, right!  Anyway.

So I went back to bed and I had set my clock for something like 5:30 or 6.  I might have set one of the clocks for 5 but I sure didn’t get up.  I didn’t want to get up at 5:30 and I think I just hit the snooze button.  But then at 6 another clock went off and shortly after that the 3rd clock went off.  I actually got out of bed!  I’m fucking surprised.  But I did sleep for like 10+ hours.  My back was beginning to hurt from laying in bed so long.

And since I didn’t want to go to work this early, after going in so yearly yesterday and working so long, I decided to come to the coffee shop because I had to come here anyway.  I just decided to sit inside and write this blog.  Maybe I should start doing this every morning!

I’m going to try to start getting 8 hours of sleep every night and getting up early.  We will see how that works.  Otherwise, in order to get up early I might just have to start going to bed much earlier and trying to sleep longer.  We will see because I have got to do something to start getting to work on-time.  It’s 8:21 right now and I don’t really want to go to work but I think I should.  I have to be there should be there by 9 every morning.

That’s all folks.  Comment, subscribe via the email thingy.  If you have other comments or anything just send me at email to lifeonmygayisland at gmail dot com.  I look forward to hearing from you all!

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The Prozac is Wearing Off

Good times.

Fluoxetine (Prozac), an SSRI

Fluoxetine (Prozac), an SSRI (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not really, but not horrible, either.

At least not yet.

I haven’t taken my Prozac in several days but that is partially because I’m running out of money and I’m also running out of Prozac.  I just took 3 pills, my normal dose (not with my current doctor but with my old doctor).

The doctor I’m going to now – because my old doctor is no longer in business – prescribed me 40MG a day.  That would be two pills a day which, I realize, is better than taking what I’m currently taking which is…two or three pills every few days with little regularity.  I realize this, but still….

I just counted and I have 13 pills left.  There are 11 days until I get paid again.  If I call now maybe I can get an appointment on that 11th day.  I think taking one pill a day would be better than what I have been doing.  Hell, it isn’t like I have much of a choice.  I could see if a friend of mine has any medicine left but I really don’t want to start something new.  I did that before when I was completely out – for a while – and what she gave me I believe was expired.  I wanted to kill myself by the time I got more Prozac.

I could also ask my boss because she said if I needed I could get a few pills from her because I guess she was prescribed it but never takes it.  I don’t know why.  I believe she and I had the conversation that it helps her but, like me, I guess she’s just hard headed.

Another thing that hot me down is that I saw a gay guy who looked cute today.  He was from the capital and I believe where it works, and probably lives, is near a big gay, trendy, area.  I wish I weren’t ugly but that’s the way I feel.  I just feel like I’m not good enough.  And to be honest, I’m not.

Nothing about me is good enough.  I don’t look good, I’m not the best at my job, I haven’t been able to write and I don’t really think I’m smart enough to, anyway, and I don’t have a lot of money.

This is what life with depression is like.

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Flat Tire – I Was Proud of Myself

So I woke up this morning at 7.  Good for me.  Then I went back to bed and didn’t actually get up until 9.  Why 9?  Because my boss called me on my cell phone.  I don’t think she knew I had just woke up…I played it cool with my voice, I think.  If she did know she didn’t say anything.  I do know she first called my office but she didn’t say anything.  I’m cutting it close, I know.

So then I was thinking, “well, if I quickly shower and get dressed and leave by 9:30 that will put me in the office by 10 and that should be about the time” – I was totally guessing – “she is getting to her office.  So if she calls me after that there will be no questions.”

Well, I didn’t iron clothes last night, either.  So that took even longer.  It was about 10 minutes before 10 when I finally left the house.

On Sunday I realized I needed to replace one of the tires on my car; mettle threads were showing and sticking out of the tire.  I realized there was a problem when my car started bouncing down the road more than it usually does.  I looked.  I saw.  I did not curse or use fowl language.  (I was really proud of myself.)

Monday I went to the guy I normally use so I could get a new tire.  He’s a really nice guy and I trust him.  That, in my opinion, is huge.  I always feel…at a disadvantage, for the lack of a better word…when I need to have anything done to my car.  I know how to drive it but I don’t know how to fix it.  He wasn’t there.  Some other guy was there so I don’t know if he took over or is just taking some time off.  From the way the new guy sounded, he’s the new owner.  Hopefully he’s not because I don’t like him as much as the other guy.

He said he didn’t have the size I needed but should on Wednesday: that is today.

This morning my tire went flat.  I did not curse or say anything bad.  (I was very proud of myself.)

A flat tire on a Mercury Villager van.

A flat tire on a Mercury Villager van. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I saw him he asked me how many miles I drive everyday.  I told him about 70.  That’s a low number, but whatever.  He said it wouldn’t last that long.  I thought he might be right, but I’ve been told that by other tire people – not with this tire and not with tires that were this bad – and they were wrong.  I knew I needed to be careful because I knew it could go out at any time.

Turns out he was right.

There are not a lot of things I would say I’m good at but admitting with I’m legitimately wrong is one of them.  Beyond that, admitting when I have done something stupid.  I have done a lot of stupid things in life.  If I took the time to list all the stupid things I’ve done, and continue to do, I would be here all day.

So I was very proud of myself – not for the first time with something like this – when I did not get upset when my tire went flat.  I didn’t get upset and I acted like it was no big deal because with all things considered, it wasn’t.

It also probably helped that I have been taking my Prozac like I’m supposed to and I haven’t been in a rageful mood.

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This Isn’t Working

If there’s one thing I know for sure it is that this, what I’m doing right now and the way I’m living, isn’t working.  This cannot continue.  I can’t keep going like this and I can, I just can’t, keep up with this bullshit!  Something has got to go!

Today was one of those days when I just wanted to snap.  By the end of the day I wanted to go the fuck off on someone until it wasn’t even funny!

I was sitting at a red light.  I was fumbling with something, I think it might have been my phone, and I knew there was a six-pack of IBC Cream Soda – glass bottles – sitting in my back floorboard with one sitting in the back seat.

I was several cars behind the red light, maybe the 4th one in line.

There was a red Honda Accord Coupe driven by a tallish young guy.  The light turned green and there were 2 car length in front of me before I noticed.  In the split second before I went, after I noticed what was going on, I thought of the guy in the car behind me.  I thought if he honked his fucking horn I would slam on brakes, grab the amber-colored bottle from my backseat, get out of my car and yell at him telling him “if you want to fuck with me you blog that God-damn horn one more fucking time,” then throw the bottle at his windshield.

I thought how much I wish I had a taser in case he then tried to get out of his car and come after me.

That is when I fucking knew I needed to go home.  I didn’t, but it’s when I thought I really needed to.

Before that event, I had already slammed my car door – which I never usually do – to go back into my office to get something I forgot.  My coffee.  I had forgot to get my coffee out of the microwave.  I also wanted to throw my phone across my car – which I also never do because I don’t even set my iPhone down hard…I am only gental and kind to that wonderful devise – because the internet wasn’t working.  Fucking Sprint!

Today is when I wanted to snap.  I wanted to fucking go the fuck off at anybody.

It is days like today that I can’t take many more of.  Something has GOT to give!  Something has got to change!

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You Can’t See Me

I wear my sunglasses and ear buds like a protective security blanket.

I don’t like large groups of people.  And even though I listen to loud music, and sometimes really like it, I don’t like being in large crowds of people when it’s noisy.  One of the ways I deal with this is my sunglasses and ear buds.  Every time I go somewhere like Walmart I always have my ears stuffed with ear buds and, if it’s daytime, my sunglasses on.  Some people think that’s strange.  They don’t know it’s for security and so I can deal with people.

I look at these necessities like a baby’s security blanket.  It’s my adult baby blanket…my security blanket.

I feel like, when I’m walking around with these things, like people can’t see me.  I know that’s irrational because it’s not true, but it makes me feel better.  I don’t know why I don’t want to “be seen,” but I do.  I know this probably isn’t helping me find a boyfriend because it’s probably an indication I don’t want to be bothered or talked to.  But it’s true.  I don’t want people to notice me.

I think the reason I don’t want to be “seen” is because I’m ashamed of the way I look.  And the truth is I really don’t look that bad!  I’m actually a pretty decent looking guy, I think.  And I do think that…I know that, but I still feel like I’m ugly and don’t look good.  Maybe when I lose weight I’ll feel different.

I think that also may be why I kind of like small homes and small cars: a cozy  safe feeling.  I also really like my desk space kind of…hidden off, or out of the way.  In classrooms and conferences I always like to sit in the back away from everyone.  And when I move I would like to have my desk surrounded by large indoor plants and trees.  A couple of nice big Corn Plants on each side.

When I’m Alone in Public

shy boy

shy boy (Photo credit: allerleirau)


I got dressed this afternoon after not getting out of bed until almost 3PM.  I actually did wake up when my alarm went off, got up to go to the bathroom, and then crawled back into bed sitting my alarm to let me sleep another 30 minutes.  That’s when the good intentions all went to hell.  The next thing I knew it was 2:30.

I didn’t do a whole lot but I did go to Starbucks for my “morning” coffee.  I finally found my Starbucks card I had lost and was able to use my free drink.  Go me…I saved $5.41.  (I’m now at Starbucks again and am using my $5.41 that I didn’t spend earlier.  On the drive over here I was going to just get regular coffee because that is only about $2.35ish but I decided against that idea.  Even though this latte isn’t helping my wallet nor my waistline.

So after I got dressed around 5:30, I had been planning on maybe running to Sam’s Club for something I didn’t get when I was in that area yesterday.  Or, if I couldn’t get in contact with a friend of mine who I needed to go with because she has a Sam’s Club membership and I don’t, I was going to go to Starbucks and do some writing. I really wanted to go do some writing because I had a few things on my mind I wanted to write about.

After getting dressed though, and going outside to smoke, I didn’t feel like it.  I didn’t feel like going to Starbucks, or anywhere, but especially Starbucks to write, because I didn’t feel like dealing – and mainly being seen by – people…all those people who would be there.  I didn’t feel like being seen in public.  By people.  I wanted to stay at home, alone.  Where no one would see me.  Where no one could see me.  Alone.

That is a problem that I have to deal with a lot.  When I’m out running errands and doing things, for myself or for work, I often come across that.  I will be doing okay, but then I’ll get to there I just don’t want to be seen.  Or I’ll have all the greatest intentions of going to some store, or doing something, and then when I get there I just feel like I can’t do it because I don’t want all those people looking at me.  And often times, when I get to that place, I don’t go.  I don’t do it.  I will have just parked my car and then I will just pull right back out of the parking lot and go back to my office.  Or I’ll go somewhere else.  I eat in my car a lot because of that.  I don’t want to be seen.  I especially don’t like being seen in public eating.

But the funny thing is this: I don’t have a problem being seen in public when I’m with other people.  It’s only when I’m alone, by myself, that I have a problem.  That’s when all this comes to mind and it really bothers me.