Is This Anxiety?

I might have given my computer a sort of big bump and I swear I think it’s running a little slower now. I’m working on a whole post about how I want a new computer and if I keep this crap up I’ll really need one.

Coffee cup

Coffee cup (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

So I was supposed to post at least one blog already…several days ago…and then I planned on posting two blogs this weekend. That would have given me 4 for this week which is what I wanted. Well, as you can see that didn’t happen. But right now I’m up at the coffee shop and I want to talk about this for a minute.

There are 4 coffee shops in town that I know of. One I really like, one I really don’t like because it’s not in the best area because there is absolutely no shad on the small patio. The small patio that only has a few tables. The whole place is small. There is almost nowhere to sit because it is usually busy and all the space is taken.

There are two others in a nice area but 12 miles away…one way. While I don’t mind driving, I just never go to those because they are a bit far away. One of them is really nice but all the hipsters and rich people go there and I have such a problem being in there because I feel so bad. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb and I just don’t belong. I don’t fit. I feel like everybody would be staring at me. I feel like everybody is staring at me. I feel like I’m so hideous. And today I really feel like I don’t look good so that is another reason I wouldn’t want to go.

I was supposed to get up this morning and go to my friend’s house about an hour away from where I am right now because her husband needs to fix something for me. I wanted to get up early but I didn’t set my clock and I did wake up a couple times this morning but just rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to sleep in and stay away from everybody. I didn’t want to be seen and I didn’t want to be bothered. I didn’t get up until 1. This afternoon.

I don’t know why I’m so depressed right now. There is no other explanation for it, I am depressed and I don’t know why. I took my medicine yesterday and the day before and the day before that. I have been taking it this week like I’m supposed to. I know I’ve taken it for the last 3 days and I think I have taken it all week! I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t like it. It would be one thing if I weren’t taking my Prozac like I’m supposed to because I would have an explanation for what is going on. Right now I don’t.

And as I sit up here right now I’m wondering if what I’m experiencing and feeling is anxiety. The problem with this coffee shop is that it is right off the interstate. The other problem with this coffee shop, which I’m glad they have because it means business is good and the economy must not be in the total crapper, they are busy right now. It’s only a few days before the holidays and they are busy with all the people getting off the interstate to get coffee. But there are so many people coming and going and it’s just freaking me out!

I don’t want to go home because I’ll just sleep some more and won’t get anything done. I might get some writing done, but the chances are drastically reduced. But sitting up here is just driving me crazy.

One of the things I do is keep my earbuds in listening to music. Sometimes I will just put on an ambient noise app to drown everything out. The earbuds I use aren’t noise cancelling but I need to get some that are just for times like this. The only problem with the ambient noise app is sometimes finding one that doesn’t hurt my ears. I have to turn it so loud with these earbuds to actually conceal the noise that it will occasionally be too loud not to hurt or make me even that much more crazy. I have run into that problem a couple of times; the app is loud enough to enter in another noise problem but not loud enough, with these particular earbuds, to drown out the other noise which makes me crazy because of all the different noises I’m hearing. I know…it’s all a bit strange.

But this is also what I do when I’m in the store. Especially Walmart!

I don’t like the noise and the crowd and it’s such a bad grade of people in the particular Walmart I have to go to so I try to get rid of all that distraction and interference with my sanity that I wear by sunglasses if it’s still light out and I wear by earbuds. Most of the time when I’m in the store though I either listen to music, or must often, I listen to a podcast or the audio book I’m listening to at the time.

This blog has turned into a great big ol ramble!

But is this anxiety, or social anxiety if there is a thing, that I’m experiencing?

I often eat in my car so I can be alone. Plus I don’t always like to be seen eating. It’s a thing, I know.

When I left the house to come up here I thought I would sit outside because it was a nice day. I did for a while but it began to get cool and the gnats started coming out so I moved inside. I had to come in for more coffee and I was either going to move inside, if I could find a spot I liked, or I was going to go home. My spot was finally open, it wasn’t when I first got here, so I was happy. I’m okay here in my spot. Still a little overwhelmed by all the people but it’s not as bad. This is where I always sit. At least where I always sit when it’s open. Sometimes I will use one of the comfy chairs but most of the time it’s at this big table.

You would think, since I don’t like to be around a lot of people I wouldn’t sit at the biggest table in the house but I do. I like to spread my stuff out when I’m not just writing on the computer and it’s comfy. It’s usual. It’s my spot!

And sweaters help. I don’t know why but they just do. It’s another reason I like winter. I like being covered up.

So I think I’ve ran this post into the ground as much as I can. I also think I’m going to run to my friends house and drop off what I need fixed, and try not to stay very long. Then I think I’ll go into town and go to the bookstore. I might go to the Chinese restaurant where I like to eat when I’m there.

Oh, and this reminds me of another story I need to write about. The Bathhouse.

So I’ve said I wanted to write about my sex life and this is certainly one of those stories. It isn’t something I’m proud of, it’s it is something. It is something I have done in the past and hopefully will not do in the future but I’m not going to lie and say I’m not occasionally tempted. Hell, I was tempted earlier this week.

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My Own Bit of Personal Hell

So let me begin this by saying, at the moment, I am in no pain.  For that I am very grateful!!!  I have been in no pain for about a day now.  And the only real hellish pain was one night, Thursday night, and I hope we don’t go back to that place.

I am, however, tired, weak, and feeling “funny.”  At times I get the sweats that almost remind me of the beginning of those two times I had the panic attacks.  That was some hell, I just want to let you know!  I really feel for anyone who has really bad panic attacks because I felt like I was about to die!

So the reason I’m in my own little personal hell right now is because of a toothache.  I have a tooth right next to my wisdom tooth that has cracked off, eroded you might say, and I think is splitting in half.  I’ve known about this problem for a little while but it hasn’t hurt.  Until now!

Earlier in the week it started hurting and I was hoping it would hurt for a little while and then go away.  I’ve had that problem with this particular tooth, and my other wisdom teeth, before.  But I guess this is worse.

Thursday night it had me in so much fucking pain that I swear to god I just wanted to blow my brains out!  I was on the way from work to the city I live in to go to the ER but on my way home, thankfully, it quit hurting so I just came home.  The next morning, Friday, I called to the dentist I’ve gone to before and his office was closed on Friday.  I called to some other dentists and they don’t take my insurance.  I called my insurance for a list of providers and they told me since there is no network they don’t have a list of providers.  I will just have to call around until I find one that accepts it.  And if I can’t find one, or the dentist I want to see doesn’t accept it, I can pay out of pocket and then submit something for reimbursement.  Well that’s convenient if you don’t have a lot of money now isn’t it.

So in the mean time I have been gargling with peroxide and a couple of times put Clove Oil on it to help draw out any infection.  Both of which can agitate it and case a little pain when I’m not already feeling any.  A lady from work did give me 4 pain pills; I don’t know which ones, in case I get into a lot of pain.  I haven’t had to take them yet but will keep them just in case.

Today I’m going to try to eat something because I’m getting hungry and I think that’s why I’ve been so weak.  I’ve been taking a lot of Advil but no food.  I also took my Prozac for the last 2 days because I’ve been getting near that crazy place because of the worry over my tooth.

I truly don’t know what I’m going to do if my dentist a.) can’t/won’t pull the tooth or b.) is going to charge me more than $200.  While I’m not in pain I’m trying not to think about that, though.  I’ll leave that bridge to worry about when I have to cross it.  Or when I start hurting again.

It doesn’t help that I haven’t felt good in several days and am supposed to be doing a big project for work.  Everything for the project is supposed to be done before Friday, along with everything else I need to do, and I’m not sure that it will be finished in time.  I might have to tell them we have to push the deadline back a little.

I’m beginning to feel a little lightheaded again.  I go through these spells lately.  I don’t know why.  This has caused me to really worry about my whole body, medically, and what might/could happen.  I don’t deal well with pain and sickness.

And while I wouldn’t do anything now that my father is still alive, it has made me think a lot about the possibility of suicide.  If it will make the pain stop, I don’t see how it’s a bad idea.  And it’s not like I have a lot of friends that will miss me.  That is something I want to talk about later.

I’ve got to get the strength to get showered and dressed now so I can go to the store.  I think I’m going to get some Boost because I think that has the vitamins you need.  Along with going to KFC for some mashed potatoes and gravy and macaroni and cheese.    Maybe that will be some good carbs to fill my stomach and give me a little energy.  I do feel really weak.  Not long after I woke up at noon I wanted to lie back down because I felt a little weird/weak.  The weird feeling is a little difficult to explain.

But for now I’m fine.  I’m making it through.

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