My Own Bit of Personal Hell

So let me begin this by saying, at the moment, I am in no pain.  For that I am very grateful!!!  I have been in no pain for about a day now.  And the only real hellish pain was one night, Thursday night, and I hope we don’t go back to that place.

I am, however, tired, weak, and feeling “funny.”  At times I get the sweats that almost remind me of the beginning of those two times I had the panic attacks.  That was some hell, I just want to let you know!  I really feel for anyone who has really bad panic attacks because I felt like I was about to die!

So the reason I’m in my own little personal hell right now is because of a toothache.  I have a tooth right next to my wisdom tooth that has cracked off, eroded you might say, and I think is splitting in half.  I’ve known about this problem for a little while but it hasn’t hurt.  Until now!

Earlier in the week it started hurting and I was hoping it would hurt for a little while and then go away.  I’ve had that problem with this particular tooth, and my other wisdom teeth, before.  But I guess this is worse.

Thursday night it had me in so much fucking pain that I swear to god I just wanted to blow my brains out!  I was on the way from work to the city I live in to go to the ER but on my way home, thankfully, it quit hurting so I just came home.  The next morning, Friday, I called to the dentist I’ve gone to before and his office was closed on Friday.  I called to some other dentists and they don’t take my insurance.  I called my insurance for a list of providers and they told me since there is no network they don’t have a list of providers.  I will just have to call around until I find one that accepts it.  And if I can’t find one, or the dentist I want to see doesn’t accept it, I can pay out of pocket and then submit something for reimbursement.  Well that’s convenient if you don’t have a lot of money now isn’t it.

So in the mean time I have been gargling with peroxide and a couple of times put Clove Oil on it to help draw out any infection.  Both of which can agitate it and case a little pain when I’m not already feeling any.  A lady from work did give me 4 pain pills; I don’t know which ones, in case I get into a lot of pain.  I haven’t had to take them yet but will keep them just in case.

Today I’m going to try to eat something because I’m getting hungry and I think that’s why I’ve been so weak.  I’ve been taking a lot of Advil but no food.  I also took my Prozac for the last 2 days because I’ve been getting near that crazy place because of the worry over my tooth.

I truly don’t know what I’m going to do if my dentist a.) can’t/won’t pull the tooth or b.) is going to charge me more than $200.  While I’m not in pain I’m trying not to think about that, though.  I’ll leave that bridge to worry about when I have to cross it.  Or when I start hurting again.

It doesn’t help that I haven’t felt good in several days and am supposed to be doing a big project for work.  Everything for the project is supposed to be done before Friday, along with everything else I need to do, and I’m not sure that it will be finished in time.  I might have to tell them we have to push the deadline back a little.

I’m beginning to feel a little lightheaded again.  I go through these spells lately.  I don’t know why.  This has caused me to really worry about my whole body, medically, and what might/could happen.  I don’t deal well with pain and sickness.

And while I wouldn’t do anything now that my father is still alive, it has made me think a lot about the possibility of suicide.  If it will make the pain stop, I don’t see how it’s a bad idea.  And it’s not like I have a lot of friends that will miss me.  That is something I want to talk about later.

I’ve got to get the strength to get showered and dressed now so I can go to the store.  I think I’m going to get some Boost because I think that has the vitamins you need.  Along with going to KFC for some mashed potatoes and gravy and macaroni and cheese.    Maybe that will be some good carbs to fill my stomach and give me a little energy.  I do feel really weak.  Not long after I woke up at noon I wanted to lie back down because I felt a little weird/weak.  The weird feeling is a little difficult to explain.

But for now I’m fine.  I’m making it through.

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