The Car Makes me Feel – Part One


I’m in one of those moods.  I want to be alone, not seen.  I’m shy.  I’m stressed.  I think when I get stressed, and the Prozac wears off, I get this one.

But I’ve wanted to do a whole post about cars, cars I would like to have.  This, the 1996-1999 Mercedes-Benz E320 Wagon. One of the things I really like about this car, in this moment, I think, is the tinted windows.  I mean I also like the body style.  It’s big, but I normally don’t like big.

But I imagine it to be safe.  And secure.  And with the dark windows I feel more secure.  Private.  Alone.

I feel secure, like nobody could get to me.

And while it is not new, I do feel like it says something about the person driving it.  It says they have class.  Money.  They like the finer things in life.  And since I do have an inferiority complex it would be nice to have something like this.  That is a subject I should write more about.  And unpack with a therapist.

And I get that nice cozy safe feeling when I look at this picture, too.  And I’ve got to say how much I love the scene in which it sits.  It’s the cozy weekend getaway house in the country.  Or the house you escape to when you need a time-out from the crazy of life.  When you just need to get away.

I’m always wanting to get away.  To escape.


And in this color it looks so regal and classy.  But it still needs the tint to be perfect.


And I love this picture.  This is the life I want.  The life I’m dreaming for.  For me and my boyfriend, who will eventually be my husband, to go bring home our real Christmas tree.  Wearing complimentary outfits that are hip and trendy.


This is the interior of the 2002, the pictures above are the 97-99 models.  The next generation, the 2002, looks much so softer and nicer on the inside.  And let’s face it, that’s a very big deal.  I mean that is where we spend most of our time.  Not looking at it from the outside.  I like a nice interior.  This is nice.  I really like the steering wheel.  I’m strange.

There are other cars I like to.  Some of them I think I like better than the Mercedes.

BMW 5-Series E39 wagon

For some reason these BMWs pop into mind.  They seem more sporty than the Mercedes.  And this particular body style of BMW,the 1999 528i, is one that I really like.  I even like it in sedan.

1997 BMW 318I

I love blue.  This one be nice to have on the days I don’t mind being seen.

And I love the idea about having the car kept in the house.  I know, I’m strange.





1992 Volvo 240 Wagon 2





But then I keep coming back to this: the Volvo.  I just think I like them better, and I think they would be a better, safer car.

It was what I was brought home from the hospital in.  The first car I rode in.  A 1970-something blue wagon.  I just love a Volvo.  And it says “writer” to me.

I think I would like a mid 90s model wagon.  But this white one is a 1990ish.  Huge.  And nothing says writer more than this.  It’s an old car and you cannot judge my by the same standards as everyone else.  I’m a writer.  And artist.  And I walk to the beat of a different drum.  I don’t live in the same world as you.

The 16 Year-Old New Car

So I bought a new car.  By new I mean it’s 16 years old but new to me.

I have a 2000 Chevy Cavalier which I really like.  I bought it back when I was going to school.  The day I bought it I got fired from my job and it is the first car I bought and paid for without letting it get repossessed first.  I’ve never been able to make a car payment on time.  This is one of the many reasons I think I’m an absolute loser, and one of the reason that I think suicide is just a backup plan, but I will save that little gem for another day.

I kept the Cavalier but bought a 2006 Sonata because I wanted something bigger and nicer.  It isn’t very often – only once since I bought the car, and it was broken then so I couldn’t use it – that I travel with other people but I always like to be the driver.  I’m not often a good passenger and I think part of it is because I’m a minor control freak.  Also, I deal with a lot of business people in my line of work and I didn’t want to be seen driving a bottom of the line car.  It also didn’t have AC…I had been needing to fix that for over 50,000 miles.  (I drive about 30,000 miles a year.)

So I was desperate for a car and decided to put $800 down on the Sonata, and take on a $350 a month car payment instead of spending $1,000 to get the AC fixed in my car.  I could afford to put the $800 down that day, but couldn’t afford the additional $200.  I wanted AC like, yesterday, because that year it was hot as fuck!

As soon as I got into the car I liked it because it was nicer, quieter, and prettier than the Chevy.  Plus, it had an AC that would blow you out of the car!  It rode really well and was comfortable.  It was the only car on the lot that was only $800 down, so I took it.  I almost didn’t try getting the car because he told me it wasn’t a buy here, pay here lot and I didn’t think I would be able to go through a bank for financing.  It turns out I was approved because the finance company was just for high-risk buyers.  That fact made the like the car even more because they did report to the credit agencies and I would be able to build my credit.  Actually, that made the love the car.  After thinking about it a little while it was the only reason I bought the car because I didn’t “love it,” but I liked it.

Well, turns out the car was a piece of crap.  Or it still is, I still have it but I’m thinking I’m going to call the finance company and tell them to pick it up.  This is why….

For the last 4 months I’ve been driving the Chevy again because the Sonata is messed up.  Just to get it running again I need to spend at least $1,000.  And that grand doesn’t even guarantee that it will be drivable.  That grand is just for the two things I know is wrong with it.  On top of the fact that the Chevy isn’t running reliably, I was up shit creek!

My dad and the annoying-ass neighbor insisted they could fix the Chevy without having to take it to the shop and have it put on the diagnostic computer.  In doing so, they fucked up the wiring harness which is over $2,000 to have replaced.  The harness itself is $800 and that doesn’t include the labor to have the dash completely taken out!  Otherwise, the car is doing ok which really pisses me off because nothing is really wrong with the car.  I’m not sure it would take me across country, but considering I drive about 30,000 miles a year it has been doing just fine for a while.  This particular neighbor is really getting on my nerves but maybe I will talk about that later.

So considering everything else I need to get straight – financially – I think the best thing to do right now would be to let the Sonata go.  I can always save up a better down payment and go through another high-risk finance company later when I finances are better in order.  I do have quite a few important things that I need to get taken care of right now and I think I might be about to get garnished because of my student loans.  That’s what I was thinking about when I wrote this post.  I hate to do it because right now that car is the best thing on my credit – that is before I let it get almost 3 months behind.

It’s just that my financial life is catching up with me right now and I think this is the only option.  The car I just bought is only $200 a month and $2,500 from now I’ll have it paid off.  Even though I know I’ll still have to probably pay 2 or 3 grand for the Sonata after it is resold.  (Hopefully they don’t just junk it and charge me the whole price for it!)