A Blah Day

(Written 1.1.15)

This is not the start to anything new…certainly not the start to anything good.

I feel very…blah…today. I’m in one of those moods where I don’t want to be around people. Nothing new. And my face is set in

blah...

blah… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

that resting frown. It’s a face I have a lot. A face I have when it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m in a bad mood. Just calm and, sometimes, okay not to be bothered.

And while sometimes it is a face that really means I’m peaceful and okay, just calm and slightly sedate, today that isn’t what it means.

Because deeper, I just want to be left alone. Part of me just wants to crawl under the covers in a cool bedroom, and part of me just wants to cry.

I’ve been wanting to cry a lot, lately.

And being in this unproductive mood does not lend itself well to what I had planned to do today.

I didn’t come to work until 3, and I’m not making big plans or spectacular New Year’s Resolutions. All I want to do is get my stuff in order. Get my life in order. I want to start living the life that I want to live and I want to start living the life I know, at least really think, I’m capable to live.

To do that, things will have to be done differently. To do that, it will be difficult. Considering the mental state I’m currently in, it will be extremely difficult but I want to fight with everything that I have in me to make it happen. I want to become the person that I want to be and the person I really think I can become. I want to do great things like everyone used to tell me I was capable of and that I would do.

My plan for today was to clean and organize my office. It’s not dirty, but very unorganized. I have papers, some in neat piles, some not so much, all over the place. My filing system has gone to shit. It doesn’t look like the office of a person who is leading a company and knows what he’s doing. It looks like the home of someone who has given up on life and doesn’t have a handle on the future. As it were, that would be a pretty apropos description of me.

Now it’s January 2nd

So now it’s the next day.

I might have been writing the beginning of this post while I was still at work and at some point I got distracted. I think I started working again but cleaning and organizing wasn’t part of it.

Then I went home. And today I was too busy to do it. And “after work” when I could have stayed, I didn’t.

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I Broke my Wagon

Writing journal

Writing journal (Photo credit: avrdreamer)

Well damn.  I came up with A New Plan, then I fell off the fucking wagon before I even started!  What the hell!?!

Actually I’ve kind of been busy this week.  Or…wait…no, that’s a lie.  I could have written something over the weekend because I sure as hell didn’t work…but I didn’t do that, either.

I mean, hell, it’s only been 10 damn days since I wrote that post.

But I do have something to discuss, which I will save for another post.  🙂

How do you feel about…let’s say…detailed sexual encounters?  See, what happen was….

Once of the reasons I started this blog, and am doing it anonymously, is because I want it to be a) truthful, and b) this to be kind of like my online journal that I’m sharing with everyone.

I’ve actually kept a journal for quite a while, and most of the time it’s been digital.  Actually it has been completely digital since I got my first laptop.  And while writing in my journal, I always write it as if I were talking to someone.  Well, I pretty much write it the same way I have been writing in this blog.  I never knew exactly why I was writing it, but I just knew it made me feel better.  I thought maybe, one day in the future, I would go back and re-read it and it would be, in some way, helpful.  Maybe I could use some of it for some writing ideas…or use parts of it in stories I wrote.

So on to the point: how would you all feel about reading those somewhat detailed encounters?  I would put some type of warning in the title because I realize not everyone will want to read such things.  Then again I’m sure some people would only be interested in reading such posts and find nothing else I write entertaining.

So comment below and let me know.

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