A Blah Day

(Written 1.1.15)

This is not the start to anything new…certainly not the start to anything good.

I feel very…blah…today. I’m in one of those moods where I don’t want to be around people. Nothing new. And my face is set in

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blah… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

that resting frown. It’s a face I have a lot. A face I have when it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m in a bad mood. Just calm and, sometimes, okay not to be bothered.

And while sometimes it is a face that really means I’m peaceful and okay, just calm and slightly sedate, today that isn’t what it means.

Because deeper, I just want to be left alone. Part of me just wants to crawl under the covers in a cool bedroom, and part of me just wants to cry.

I’ve been wanting to cry a lot, lately.

And being in this unproductive mood does not lend itself well to what I had planned to do today.

I didn’t come to work until 3, and I’m not making big plans or spectacular New Year’s Resolutions. All I want to do is get my stuff in order. Get my life in order. I want to start living the life that I want to live and I want to start living the life I know, at least really think, I’m capable to live.

To do that, things will have to be done differently. To do that, it will be difficult. Considering the mental state I’m currently in, it will be extremely difficult but I want to fight with everything that I have in me to make it happen. I want to become the person that I want to be and the person I really think I can become. I want to do great things like everyone used to tell me I was capable of and that I would do.

My plan for today was to clean and organize my office. It’s not dirty, but very unorganized. I have papers, some in neat piles, some not so much, all over the place. My filing system has gone to shit. It doesn’t look like the office of a person who is leading a company and knows what he’s doing. It looks like the home of someone who has given up on life and doesn’t have a handle on the future. As it were, that would be a pretty apropos description of me.

Now it’s January 2nd

So now it’s the next day.

I might have been writing the beginning of this post while I was still at work and at some point I got distracted. I think I started working again but cleaning and organizing wasn’t part of it.

Then I went home. And today I was too busy to do it. And “after work” when I could have stayed, I didn’t.

A Blast from the Past – Part Two – Silent Treatment

Another old blog post.  Hope you enjoy.  

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This was originally posted on 12.20.09

Silent Treatment

 Would someone like to place a little wager with me on rather or not they think my boss will can my ass 4 or 5 days before Christmas?  Nothing says Merry Christmas like the gift of unemployment.

The reason I think this might be possible is because…I think I’ve been getting the silent treatment.

There has been an “ongoing incident” we have been dealing them as of late…and there was also a conversation about “the incident” or should I say “the lack of the proper actions” recently and ever since I responded to his email – the way we spoke about “the lack of proper actions” – I haven’t gotten but one word from him, and that was all in lowercase letters.

Now I realize some might be thinking I’m jumping to conclusions, which is entirely possible because of my petite bank balance…as I find those funds my employer drops into my account every two weeks very helpful.  However, I do think he not only has good reason to be upset with me, but it is also unusual for him to only say “thanks” as opposed to “Thanks!!” when I send him my weekly business increasing efforts report.

We shall see over the next couple of days.

I was thinking that I should have used Saturday morning to go fill out applications near the airport because I never get a chance to do that during the week…since I’m required to be onsite Monday thru Friday.  But I just learned that I have to work tonight because someone is sick so if I get out in a timely manner and can stay awake long enough in the morning maybe I could fill out some applications.  That, I think, would be one of the best choices I have done in a long time.

What wouldn’t be a good idea, however, is to do like I did last week and now show up for an interview I had scheduled.  It wasn’t anything special, just a night auditor position – some money coming in is better than no money coming in.  The reason I didn’t show up for that interview is because the afternoon previous I spoke with my boss and he relieved my concerns as the possibility of being fired because of this “incident.”

But then the next day he sent “the email” where we briefly discussed “the lack of proper actions” and ever since then I haven’t heard from him.  That’s with I thought what the fuck have I done!?!

On a side note: to my readers, which I hope will increase, please don’t take offence to my use of certain words….  And lastly, I know this may not be very grammatically correct as I’m not going to be editing this before posting.  It’s just a random post of what I’m thinking right now and that’s just what you’re going to get for now.

I’ll go into more detail later about some of the issues that have transpired at work.  For now, I’m off to take a nap to get ready to go into work tonight.

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