A Blah Day

(Written 1.1.15)

This is not the start to anything new…certainly not the start to anything good.

I feel very…blah…today. I’m in one of those moods where I don’t want to be around people. Nothing new. And my face is set in


blah… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

that resting frown. It’s a face I have a lot. A face I have when it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m in a bad mood. Just calm and, sometimes, okay not to be bothered.

And while sometimes it is a face that really means I’m peaceful and okay, just calm and slightly sedate, today that isn’t what it means.

Because deeper, I just want to be left alone. Part of me just wants to crawl under the covers in a cool bedroom, and part of me just wants to cry.

I’ve been wanting to cry a lot, lately.

And being in this unproductive mood does not lend itself well to what I had planned to do today.

I didn’t come to work until 3, and I’m not making big plans or spectacular New Year’s Resolutions. All I want to do is get my stuff in order. Get my life in order. I want to start living the life that I want to live and I want to start living the life I know, at least really think, I’m capable to live.

To do that, things will have to be done differently. To do that, it will be difficult. Considering the mental state I’m currently in, it will be extremely difficult but I want to fight with everything that I have in me to make it happen. I want to become the person that I want to be and the person I really think I can become. I want to do great things like everyone used to tell me I was capable of and that I would do.

My plan for today was to clean and organize my office. It’s not dirty, but very unorganized. I have papers, some in neat piles, some not so much, all over the place. My filing system has gone to shit. It doesn’t look like the office of a person who is leading a company and knows what he’s doing. It looks like the home of someone who has given up on life and doesn’t have a handle on the future. As it were, that would be a pretty apropos description of me.

Now it’s January 2nd

So now it’s the next day.

I might have been writing the beginning of this post while I was still at work and at some point I got distracted. I think I started working again but cleaning and organizing wasn’t part of it.

Then I went home. And today I was too busy to do it. And “after work” when I could have stayed, I didn’t.


(Written 12.31.14)
So I had to go to Walmart for a couple things tonight and I’m not good at just going in for what I need – what is supposed to be on my list – and leaving.  I’m especially not good and making it a quick trip if I just got off work.  Why?  I don’t know.

New K-Cup Canister

New K-Cup Canister

Backing up to a couple weeks ago, my coffee pot “broke” when I accidentally threw away the brew basket.  (Long story we’re not getting into right now.)  So, one night, again, after work, I went to Walmart to buy a new coffee pot because I was tired of not having coffee in the morning.

So while I was walking around looking for a coffee pot, I was trying to find the cheapest one I could that was a 4-cup coffee maker with a timer.  Maybe if I had coffee waiting for me when I rolled my fat ass out of bed I would be more included to get out of bed one time.

Side note: I’ve tried this before and it totally doesn’t even work for me.  In fact, I have even gotten up, had a couple of cups of coffee along with a few smokes, and then went back to bed for “30 minutes” which turned into about 3 hours.  ON a fucking WORK DAY, no less.  But anyway….

And so I found the 2 different ones that I was thinking about getting and I couldn’t make up my mind.  I think I did finally make up my mind and I put one of them in the buggy.  I was about the leave the isle and on my way out of that isle I looked to my left as I was pushing my buggy and ….

…. I saw the Keurigs.

So here’s the thing.  I have been thinking about these.  A good friend of mine just got one of these and another friend of mine has had one for a while.  Both really like them.  At first, when they first came out, I was totally opposed to them because a) I’m a little bit of a coffee snob, and b) I never have “one cup.”  In fact, the mugs I use are pretty big.  So the little 4-cup coffee makers I always buy – more than that and I’ll burn it so I’d just rather make several pots – are perfect for me.  And, it’s not like I ever have anyone over in my house.

But lately I have been thinking about them more and more because I realized they have multiple settings.  And I have had a few cups of coffee from them and some of them aren’t bad.  Plus you can buy those little things – which I bought one of and still haven’t used – that allows you to use your own grownds.  So, with that little accessory I can be a coffee snob and still make one cup at a time.

So…I bought one.

When I got it home I opened it and made a cup of coffee before bed and LOVED IT!

I’m totally thinking about making a cup now because even though it’s 1 in the morning (December 31st to me but officially January 1, 2015) I wouldn’t mind having a cup of coffee.  And that’s just the thing!  Not only does it make a cup of coffee super quick, but you can really make one pretty good cup of coffee at a time.  PLUS, there’s no fucking mess!  That’s the other great part about it!  All you do is open the lid, pull the used k-cup out, and toss it!  NO MESS!

SO!  Six-hundred plus words later, we’re getting close to the point of this post so if you’ve made it this far just hang in a little longer because we’re getting close to the end….

Since I bought the Keurig, the one for home that night and the very next day I bought another one to have in my office at work, I have been thinking that I would like something nice to put my k-cups in.

I was thinking about that small rectangle decorative cardboard box you guy at some of the crafting stores.  You can also pick them up at TJ Maxx and the like.  I have one that would work.  Now that I think about it I don’t think I still have that one, but I still have several things I could use.  And while I was at Walmart I initially picked up a little $3 plastic screw-top container but when I say this, the picture above, I put it back and picked up not one, but 2 of these.  But the point is, and the bottom line, I DON’T FUCKING NEED THIS!

At home, there is nothing nice and pretty about my counter.  I’m living with my dad and he is very practical and there is NO space for anything.  He wouldn’t know something nice, or what it was for, if it hit him in the head.  He doesn’t like nice, he doesn’t do nice, he has no time for it.  How I turned out how I am is beyond me!  Actually, now that I say that…that happens to be something that I would like to spend quite some time writing about because I have some very strong opinions on that subject.

Anyway, nobody comes over so there is really no reason to have this.  But, I was thinking all of this when I was looking at it and putting them both in my buggy but I thought, “well, I can get and use this now and I will have something nice for my k-cups to be in when I move to my new apartment because all of this stuff is going with me.  The Keurig isn’t staying here because dad doesn’t like it or really use it.  So that will just be one less thing that I will have to buy when I find a home.

And as for my office…well…there’s a long story why I’m not putting my k-cups in cabinets there.  So I do kind of need something nice and tidy to put them in.  I could have only bought one but, oh well.  This is what I did.  And this is one of those things that I need to stop doing.  It is one of those things that makes me not have any money!

Now, on another side note, I think they’re kind of cute.  I mean, to be inexpensive.  I really like the glass version which has a brushed silver lid which is only a couple dollars more and I really kind of want to go buy several of them.  I mean, I’m not going to because I totally don’t have my own place right now so there’s no reason to buy more crap for a place I don’t have yet.  But, just sayin’.

My Mind is Killing Me (and this is what rambling trains of thought look like)

Ok, so it’s not quite that extreme, but sometimes I feel it’s getting close.  Not close as in I’m going to kill myself but close as in…my mind is driving me fucking CRAZY!  Actually, my mind really is crazy.

I was diagnosed with Depression, Manic Depression, and mild Bipolar a while back.  Depression is what I’ve been diagnosed with the most but one actual Psychiatrist said I was Manic Depressive and mildly Bipolar.  I think he was right.

I remember a while back…like 10ish years ago…the actual Psychiatrist who gave me those diagnosis actually sat and talked to me for the entire 45 minutes to an hour.  He was even the one who was going to do the talk therapy with me without giving that task to someone else.  I’ve been to one since then and he only spent – at most – twenty minutes with me.  All talk therapy he recommended was to be done by someone else.  Someone in his office, but someone else nonetheless.

If you ever watch Frasier, a sitcom I absolutely love partially because I’m in love with Niles, they are Psychiatrists, not Psychologists, and they seem to spend the entire “almost hour” with their patients.  Now, however,  you don’t get that and I miss it.  (But we all know American Healthcare is in the fucking toilet so I guess I’m just beating an already dead horse (excuse the metaphor) on that one.)  While I do eventually want to be a Psychologist, I think it would be better if I was with an actual Psychiatrist for the entire time and I would like him, or her, to do the talk therapy with me so he can try to figure out what it is I really need without fucking guessing.  Sometimes people just need talk therapy, which I know is part of what I need, but I also need actual medicine because there is a chemical imbalance which is causing me to have some of the thoughts and feelings I’m having and I would really like one person to take care of all of this!

But, I’m getting off on a tangent…again.

So anyway, I do have a chemical imbalance in my brain and I’m quite fine with that.  I don’t think there’s anything really “wrong” with me in a “bad” way, I just think I have a chemical imbalance and I need medicine to cope with that, and fix it, and I’m fine with that.

What I’m not fine with is my dumb ass continues to NOT take my fucking medicine and then I get a little crazy.  Or at least I get a little crazier than normal.  What I really hate is when I actually get depressed.  Most of my “episodes” aren’t so much depression as anger which I kindly take out on the people I work with; I’m sure they love that.  I’m sure they love that even more since they are technically working “for me” as in I’m the boss, bitch.

God this just reads like a rambling fucking mess right now.  Hope you enjoy!

So now that you know I’m a little crazy, I’ll get to the point of this post.  I was also kind of thinking about what I wanted to use this blog for…or what some of the things I wanted to talk about are.  This is one of them: dealing with mental illness and mental issues.

I think there are probably a lot of people out there who have these problems and they just don’t want to discuss them.  Things are getting better for “us,” but I think we still have a long way to go.  I’ve already said that I don’t want to give out my real name, or associate my “real-life” self with this blog because of my job, but I’m also not afraid of or ashamed of this issue I have.  Some of my colleagues who I have kind of become friends with now that I have some of these issues.  They know there’s a medication I take for this issue, and they know what it is.  (I’m not going to say which one I take in this blog because I really don’t think it’s important.)

So that’s what all of this is saying, one of the things I want to start writing about is mental illness, how I deal with it, what my problems are, and what I find online regarding the illness and how to cope with it.  Maybe it will help somebody.  Maybe there’s a reader out that who found – or will find – this blog and it will help them.  I think we have already discovered by some of what I’ve written that I’m not completely “healthy.”

But don’t be misled.  Nothing that I write means I hate myself.  I don’t.  I think I’m great just the way I am.  I just need to work on a few things and fine tune and polish some others.  I’m a smartass.  I’m sarcastic.  Some of the things I say are more me being sarcastic than me being “down on myself.”

I’m going to save this for a later date, but one of the things I would like to discuss is one of those things we have “a long way to go on” which is the fact that people don’t like those with mental health issues to be in leadership roles or positions such as managers, or executives in general.  I think that’s a mistake.