This is not the start to anything new…certainly not the start to anything good.
I feel very…blah…today. I’m in one of those moods where I don’t want to be around people. Nothing new. And my face is set in
that resting frown. It’s a face I have a lot. A face I have when it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m in a bad mood. Just calm and, sometimes, okay not to be bothered.
And while sometimes it is a face that really means I’m peaceful and okay, just calm and slightly sedate, today that isn’t what it means.
Because deeper, I just want to be left alone. Part of me just wants to crawl under the covers in a cool bedroom, and part of me just wants to cry.
I’ve been wanting to cry a lot, lately.
And being in this unproductive mood does not lend itself well to what I had planned to do today.
I didn’t come to work until 3, and I’m not making big plans or spectacular New Year’s Resolutions. All I want to do is get my stuff in order. Get my life in order. I want to start living the life that I want to live and I want to start living the life I know, at least really think, I’m capable to live.
To do that, things will have to be done differently. To do that, it will be difficult. Considering the mental state I’m currently in, it will be extremely difficult but I want to fight with everything that I have in me to make it happen. I want to become the person that I want to be and the person I really think I can become. I want to do great things like everyone used to tell me I was capable of and that I would do.
My plan for today was to clean and organize my office. It’s not dirty, but very unorganized. I have papers, some in neat piles, some not so much, all over the place. My filing system has gone to shit. It doesn’t look like the office of a person who is leading a company and knows what he’s doing. It looks like the home of someone who has given up on life and doesn’t have a handle on the future. As it were, that would be a pretty apropos description of me.
Now it’s January 2nd
So now it’s the next day.
I might have been writing the beginning of this post while I was still at work and at some point I got distracted. I think I started working again but cleaning and organizing wasn’t part of it.
Then I went home. And today I was too busy to do it. And “after work” when I could have stayed, I didn’t.