A Blah Day

(Written 1.1.15)

This is not the start to anything new…certainly not the start to anything good.

I feel very…blah…today. I’m in one of those moods where I don’t want to be around people. Nothing new. And my face is set in

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blah… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

that resting frown. It’s a face I have a lot. A face I have when it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m in a bad mood. Just calm and, sometimes, okay not to be bothered.

And while sometimes it is a face that really means I’m peaceful and okay, just calm and slightly sedate, today that isn’t what it means.

Because deeper, I just want to be left alone. Part of me just wants to crawl under the covers in a cool bedroom, and part of me just wants to cry.

I’ve been wanting to cry a lot, lately.

And being in this unproductive mood does not lend itself well to what I had planned to do today.

I didn’t come to work until 3, and I’m not making big plans or spectacular New Year’s Resolutions. All I want to do is get my stuff in order. Get my life in order. I want to start living the life that I want to live and I want to start living the life I know, at least really think, I’m capable to live.

To do that, things will have to be done differently. To do that, it will be difficult. Considering the mental state I’m currently in, it will be extremely difficult but I want to fight with everything that I have in me to make it happen. I want to become the person that I want to be and the person I really think I can become. I want to do great things like everyone used to tell me I was capable of and that I would do.

My plan for today was to clean and organize my office. It’s not dirty, but very unorganized. I have papers, some in neat piles, some not so much, all over the place. My filing system has gone to shit. It doesn’t look like the office of a person who is leading a company and knows what he’s doing. It looks like the home of someone who has given up on life and doesn’t have a handle on the future. As it were, that would be a pretty apropos description of me.

Now it’s January 2nd

So now it’s the next day.

I might have been writing the beginning of this post while I was still at work and at some point I got distracted. I think I started working again but cleaning and organizing wasn’t part of it.

Then I went home. And today I was too busy to do it. And “after work” when I could have stayed, I didn’t.

My Mind is Killing Me (and this is what rambling trains of thought look like)

Ok, so it’s not quite that extreme, but sometimes I feel it’s getting close.  Not close as in I’m going to kill myself but close as in…my mind is driving me fucking CRAZY!  Actually, my mind really is crazy.

I was diagnosed with Depression, Manic Depression, and mild Bipolar a while back.  Depression is what I’ve been diagnosed with the most but one actual Psychiatrist said I was Manic Depressive and mildly Bipolar.  I think he was right.

I remember a while back…like 10ish years ago…the actual Psychiatrist who gave me those diagnosis actually sat and talked to me for the entire 45 minutes to an hour.  He was even the one who was going to do the talk therapy with me without giving that task to someone else.  I’ve been to one since then and he only spent – at most – twenty minutes with me.  All talk therapy he recommended was to be done by someone else.  Someone in his office, but someone else nonetheless.

If you ever watch Frasier, a sitcom I absolutely love partially because I’m in love with Niles, they are Psychiatrists, not Psychologists, and they seem to spend the entire “almost hour” with their patients.  Now, however,  you don’t get that and I miss it.  (But we all know American Healthcare is in the fucking toilet so I guess I’m just beating an already dead horse (excuse the metaphor) on that one.)  While I do eventually want to be a Psychologist, I think it would be better if I was with an actual Psychiatrist for the entire time and I would like him, or her, to do the talk therapy with me so he can try to figure out what it is I really need without fucking guessing.  Sometimes people just need talk therapy, which I know is part of what I need, but I also need actual medicine because there is a chemical imbalance which is causing me to have some of the thoughts and feelings I’m having and I would really like one person to take care of all of this!

But, I’m getting off on a tangent…again.

So anyway, I do have a chemical imbalance in my brain and I’m quite fine with that.  I don’t think there’s anything really “wrong” with me in a “bad” way, I just think I have a chemical imbalance and I need medicine to cope with that, and fix it, and I’m fine with that.

What I’m not fine with is my dumb ass continues to NOT take my fucking medicine and then I get a little crazy.  Or at least I get a little crazier than normal.  What I really hate is when I actually get depressed.  Most of my “episodes” aren’t so much depression as anger which I kindly take out on the people I work with; I’m sure they love that.  I’m sure they love that even more since they are technically working “for me” as in I’m the boss, bitch.

God this just reads like a rambling fucking mess right now.  Hope you enjoy!

So now that you know I’m a little crazy, I’ll get to the point of this post.  I was also kind of thinking about what I wanted to use this blog for…or what some of the things I wanted to talk about are.  This is one of them: dealing with mental illness and mental issues.

I think there are probably a lot of people out there who have these problems and they just don’t want to discuss them.  Things are getting better for “us,” but I think we still have a long way to go.  I’ve already said that I don’t want to give out my real name, or associate my “real-life” self with this blog because of my job, but I’m also not afraid of or ashamed of this issue I have.  Some of my colleagues who I have kind of become friends with now that I have some of these issues.  They know there’s a medication I take for this issue, and they know what it is.  (I’m not going to say which one I take in this blog because I really don’t think it’s important.)

So that’s what all of this is saying, one of the things I want to start writing about is mental illness, how I deal with it, what my problems are, and what I find online regarding the illness and how to cope with it.  Maybe it will help somebody.  Maybe there’s a reader out that who found – or will find – this blog and it will help them.  I think we have already discovered by some of what I’ve written that I’m not completely “healthy.”

But don’t be misled.  Nothing that I write means I hate myself.  I don’t.  I think I’m great just the way I am.  I just need to work on a few things and fine tune and polish some others.  I’m a smartass.  I’m sarcastic.  Some of the things I say are more me being sarcastic than me being “down on myself.”

I’m going to save this for a later date, but one of the things I would like to discuss is one of those things we have “a long way to go on” which is the fact that people don’t like those with mental health issues to be in leadership roles or positions such as managers, or executives in general.  I think that’s a mistake.