The Car Makes me Feel – Part One


I’m in one of those moods.  I want to be alone, not seen.  I’m shy.  I’m stressed.  I think when I get stressed, and the Prozac wears off, I get this one.

But I’ve wanted to do a whole post about cars, cars I would like to have.  This, the 1996-1999 Mercedes-Benz E320 Wagon. One of the things I really like about this car, in this moment, I think, is the tinted windows.  I mean I also like the body style.  It’s big, but I normally don’t like big.

But I imagine it to be safe.  And secure.  And with the dark windows I feel more secure.  Private.  Alone.

I feel secure, like nobody could get to me.

And while it is not new, I do feel like it says something about the person driving it.  It says they have class.  Money.  They like the finer things in life.  And since I do have an inferiority complex it would be nice to have something like this.  That is a subject I should write more about.  And unpack with a therapist.

And I get that nice cozy safe feeling when I look at this picture, too.  And I’ve got to say how much I love the scene in which it sits.  It’s the cozy weekend getaway house in the country.  Or the house you escape to when you need a time-out from the crazy of life.  When you just need to get away.

I’m always wanting to get away.  To escape.


And in this color it looks so regal and classy.  But it still needs the tint to be perfect.


And I love this picture.  This is the life I want.  The life I’m dreaming for.  For me and my boyfriend, who will eventually be my husband, to go bring home our real Christmas tree.  Wearing complimentary outfits that are hip and trendy.


This is the interior of the 2002, the pictures above are the 97-99 models.  The next generation, the 2002, looks much so softer and nicer on the inside.  And let’s face it, that’s a very big deal.  I mean that is where we spend most of our time.  Not looking at it from the outside.  I like a nice interior.  This is nice.  I really like the steering wheel.  I’m strange.

There are other cars I like to.  Some of them I think I like better than the Mercedes.

BMW 5-Series E39 wagon

For some reason these BMWs pop into mind.  They seem more sporty than the Mercedes.  And this particular body style of BMW,the 1999 528i, is one that I really like.  I even like it in sedan.

1997 BMW 318I

I love blue.  This one be nice to have on the days I don’t mind being seen.

And I love the idea about having the car kept in the house.  I know, I’m strange.





1992 Volvo 240 Wagon 2





But then I keep coming back to this: the Volvo.  I just think I like them better, and I think they would be a better, safer car.

It was what I was brought home from the hospital in.  The first car I rode in.  A 1970-something blue wagon.  I just love a Volvo.  And it says “writer” to me.

I think I would like a mid 90s model wagon.  But this white one is a 1990ish.  Huge.  And nothing says writer more than this.  It’s an old car and you cannot judge my by the same standards as everyone else.  I’m a writer.  And artist.  And I walk to the beat of a different drum.  I don’t live in the same world as you.

Obligatory “I’m Coming Back” Post

So this is my obligatory “I’m going to start blogging again” post.  Not that there are a lot of people, if any, reading right now but that is to be expected since I don’t post a lot.  Hell, I haven’t posted in months.  I am going to start working harder on gaining new readers and posting on a regular basis.  This is going to be a lot of life journal and things I’m going through so if that’s not what you’re interested in…I guess it won’t work between us.  We’re going to have to breakup.   #funnyface

One of the other things I want to start writing about is my sex life.  I know that is also going to be something that a lot of people probably won’t be into but I really want to start using this blog as a journal, which I have in the past, and as a “session with a therapist,” if you will.  I know there are a lot of things that I should be unpacking with a therapist but for now I’m going to have to use this blog.  (That is one of the things I’m looking forward to when I get insurance thanks to “Obamacare” as everyone likes to derogatorily call it.)  I hope you find my therapy writing sessions interesting.  I do think opening up about a lot of things will – and can – help others because most of us think we are alone in our struggles when in fact we are not.

But, today’s topic is going to be about work and stress.  I’m going to try not to make this very long because there is another post I would like to get written, or at least mostly written, for tomorrow.  I would like to start posting at least 4 times a week, at the least.  I know some days there really isn’t anything new and exciting to talk about, but we will just have to sit back together and see what happens.

So we all know – or should know – stress can kill you.  I have heard a lot of people talk about how if you’re sick or going through a big medical problem/disease, you need to try and reduce stress as much as possible.  My mother suffered, and eventually died from, cancer for most of my life. My dad worked tirelessly to make sure she was as happy, comfortable, and as stress free as she could possibly be.  That was one of his two biggest goals and challenges, and jobs, really, while she was sick.  I think that is also the reason she lived so much longer than her doctors thought she would and why she did as well, for as long, as she did.  That was part of how she was able to not give up and give in to the disease.  That and the fact that she had me and I was her biggest life goals.  I remember my dad saying after she passed that her biggest goal was to see me turn 18.  She did not get to do that but she tried.

So keeping that in mind, I am trying really hard not to get stressed.  There are some things that we just can’t do anything about and there is no productive reason for us to bitch about those things or stress about those things.  Well, today I learned of another thing that I would normally want to stress about but I’m just going to tell my self not to stress and that everything will be okay.

Payroll might not clear the bank this week.  And, on top of that, when I hold off until Monday to cash my check, it could bounce.  We get paid on Friday.  Today my boss asked if there was any way some of my employees might be able to wait to get paid.

“No, I really don’t think so,” I said.

Yes, let’s tell my ghetto employees who are only here for their paycheck and not because this is any kind of career for them that they need to wait a few extra days to get paid.  On top of that, let’s tell my employees who don’t even fucking make that much that they have to wait to get paid.  No, no that will not work.

It is difficult enough, and big enough of a deal that I’m going to wait to cash my check.  I know I’m helping them out with that and I pretty much offered that solution before he had to ask.  I’m not sure if he would have asked, but I offered.  I’m making a sacrifice for them and I really hope they see that as being as big of a deal as that really is!  That is not just me waiting until next week to cash my check.  That is me, someone who does not really make that much money in the grand scheme of things, and someone who does not have any savings, waiting an entire weekend extra to cash my check when I have bills due on Friday. Not only do I have bills due but I also don’t have a whole not of money to tide me over until then.  The said fact of my life, and I know this part is my fault, is that I live paycheck to paycheck.  Granted, I realize that is not his fault.  But that is the fact of the matter and that is something that I am going to have to deal with this weakened.  I also realize that it is not my problem to have to wait until Monday to cash my check when I am supposed to be paid every other Friday.  Additionally, I’m going to have to make some phone calls and see if some of the bills that I have due on Friday can wait until next week.  I don’t know what I’m going to do if they say no.

What I’m going to try not to do is jump to conclusions, which is something that I normally like to do.  I’m very good at that.  I’m not going to think about the fact that we could be about to lose the company even though I really don’t think that is the case.  I’m also not going to think about the possibility of them getting rid of my job so that they can save some money.  I’m not going there right now.

This does, however, make me think more about the fact that I really do need to look for another job, and soon!  There are some other things that have happen that I want to talk about and write about but I will do that in a later post.  I will say this though: I feel like if I don’t get the fuck out of this area, and from away from these people, I’m going to lose my goddamn mind!

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I’m Happy, Can I Spend Now?

I just got off the phone with the student loan people and had my student loan payment reduced by half.  Now I only have to

English: Day 3 of the protest Occupy Wall Stre...

English: Day 3 of the protest Occupy Wall Street in Manhattan’s Zuccotti Park. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

pay $135 for the next two years.

I was in a recovery program for a year so now the loan went back to the original loaners, I guess.  Hopefully the bad stuff will soon be taken off my credit.

But now that I got my loan payment reduced, I want to celebrate…by spending money.  Money I don’t really have this week.

I really shouldn’t spend any extra money this week and I told myself that I wouldn’t.  But I want to.  I really, really want to now because I’m happy.

I want to send money when I’m happy.  I want to spend money with I’m sad.  I want to spend money when I’m depressed.  I just want to spend money.

My name is Gi, and I have a problem.  A spending problem.


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Can I Cry Now, or Should I Wait

I’m not sure if I should cry now or wait…but I’m thinking now sounds pretty good.

I used to live the solo life but that didn’t seem to go so well.  I had a cheap place that I didn’t like because it was falling apart that I had the option to buy.  I toyed with that idea for a little while but thought it was really a horrid idea because I didn’t have the time or money to fix it up…and it would have had to be almost completely gutted to really make decent.  There was, I’m pretty fucking sure, some mold involved in the walls.  I know there was, along with a leaking roof, in one of the bedrooms.  It just wasn’t worth it.

So now I’m not living alone and I don’t like that at all.  I also have a lot of gas to pay for because I have to drive 35 miles each way to work…and my car does not get 35 miles to the gallon!

Anyway.  So I’ve been thinking about moving to the city I work in because not only am I tried of living with someone, I am also tired of spending so much money in gas.  Today, after all, gas is $3.82 a gallon and I’m guess it’s not going down anytime soon.  Summer is just around the corner, after all.  And thieves are running the country.

So I was adding up the bills that I have now, which equal about $1,620 per month…which would explain why I’m always broke.  And I also added up what I think my bills would be if I moved, $1,940.  And those totals are per month.  And they are just guesstimates.  I’m not exactly sure what I’m spending right now but I do need to find out.

As for what I’m spending right now, the only things I’m not completely sure about are the variables like food, gas, cigarettes, and then the other crap I spend my money on but probably shouldn’t.

As for the bills I think I would have when I moved everything is a variable at this point.  Well, at least almost everything.  My $340 car payment – which I will have for another 2 more years; my $250 student loan payment – which I will have…until I fucking die; and my $100 cell phone bill – which I will also have until I die…or become really, really poor.  While it is true I could reduce my cell phone bill by about $55 to $70 by going to a cheap ass Straight Talk prepaid minute phone, I don’t want to!  I’ve become quite accustomed to having a smartphone and do not want to live without it.  I had much rather quit smoking which would be a really fucking smart idea!

I’m actually hoping my student loan will go down soon because right now I’m in a recovery program because some dumbass ignored the payments for quite some time and was almost garnished.  I only have 2 to 5 more payments left at which time the bad marks on my credit should be removed.  I’m also hoping at that time, which is what they said, I will be able to lower my payment.  I’m really hoping to reduce it by about $100.  They did say I would be able to then qualify for more student loans or stop paying for them all together if I go back to school.  I would like to return to school but my current GPA would not allow for me to qualify for student loans at the moment and I don’t have the money, at the moment, to pay for the classes out right.

(When I got promoted a few years ago I quit school in the middle of the semester which completely  annihilated my previously good GPA.)

What I have guesstimated as the living expenses is $200 for food – which I’m not sure if it will be enough…certainly not if I want to start “eating healthy;” $500 for rent – which I’m really hoping will be about $100 less for a studio apartment instead of the one bedroom which I was hoping I would be able to afford but I now totally see is out of the question; $60 for internet – which I couldn’t live with out…at least I really wouldn’t want to; $130 for car insurance – which I’m currently not paying for because my day still pays my insurance; $100 for power – which I’m also hoping will be about $50 less since it will be a studio apartment which…is about 288 square feet; $40 for water/sewer; and $150 for gas.

The problem comes in that I only bring home $2,080 a month after taxes.  That would leave, if the bills are $1,940, only about $140 A MONTH left for any and everything extra…and all emergencies that come up, clothing, etc.  That is not enough!

I guess I should just wait until I get out of the student loan recovery and see how much my loan payments really do go down.  (But I sure as fucking hell don’t want to have to wait until my car is paid off…which will take another 2 years!)

And it’s not like I have the money for deposits and other stuff so it’s not like I could move out tomorrow if I wanted to.  I was thinking I should start buying stuff little by little for the new place – since I lost everything I owned in a storage unit incident – but now I’m thinking I should just save that money instead.

This is just depressing.  I really want to fucking move!  I want my own place.  I want to be able to fix the place just the way I want it…which will take fucking money I obviously won’t have!

More Listening, Less Starbucks

Ok, I’ve been thinking about getting an account with and I was also thinking I should stop going to Starbucks so much.

Now the whole thing about not going to Starbucks so much is really tough for me.  I freaking LOVE Starbucks.  Like, a lot!  I love everything about Starbucks.  The way I (hear) they treat them employees.  I love the books about them.  I haven’t read all of them, yet, and I will admit some of them seem to be just about the people who wrote them, bragging about themselves.  But they all, so far, have good ideas in them.

So I really don’t want to stop going.  But I do need to stop spending so much money.  And I would like an account.

At first I was thinking I should just “stop” going to Starbucks so much.  But then I got to thinking, maybe I should just stop getting so many expensive latte’s.  I could get something less expensive like just a cup of coffee (I love their new roast – Blond!), and I could just stop going…so often.

Maybe that will work.  But I do love my latte’s but I also need to help the waist line which the latte’s don’t help.

Anyway, if I got the Audible account I could listen to more of the audiobooks I would like to listen to because I don’t have enough time to do all the reading I would like to do.

P.S.: My head is just so crazy that there are a million things running through it!  All the time!