Nervous & Straight – Part 1

Monday, June 10, 2013

So when I get nervous one of the things that happens to me is I get tired.  If all of a sudden I’m tired and yawning, it could be a sign

Get Nervous (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m nervous.  I don’t know what the deal is.  Most people have the fight or flight mechanism kick in when they’re upset, or nervous – when they since fear, or something to be fearful of, is present.  Not me, I just want to roll over and play dead.  I want to crawl into bed – or a corner – and pull the covers over my eyes and pretend you can’t see me and the problem isn’t here.

I think I’m about to go visit my fuck buddy.  I’ve turned him away several times and when he texted me earlier today asking if I wanted to get together I said “maybe.”  Then he texted back a frowning face and asked me if I was getting tired of him.  I said “no.”  What I would have liked to say is, “No, but it would be nice if you would fucking kiss me!”

We’ve had this conversation before.  In fact, the last time we talked about this it was…maybe about a month…before we hooked up again.  Something about kissing is just the line drawn in the sand for “straight men.”  Oh, did I forget that part?  Yeah, this guy is “straight.”  If he were bi I wouldn’t put bi in parentheses, “straight,” however, deserves some added scrutiny.

So it’s been a couple of hours since I started this post.  I was taking a quick coffee break from work.  Now it’s after work and I texted him to see if he was still free and wanted to get together.  He said no, he was “spent.”

I asked him if he had found someone else.  He had, it some girl.  We might hook up later tonight but he doesn’t know yet.  I told him we should.

Before I end this for now, I want to finish my point about getting nervous.

I’m not sure why I do it.  When we are about to get together – and we have several times – I get nervous.  And most of the time I also get sleepy.  The part I don’t understand is the getting sleepy part.  I mean I also don’t understand why I get nervous when I’m about to see him.  And it’s not just him, it’s other guys I’m about to hook up with regardless of if this is our first time or now.

And I get sleepy when I get nervous about other things, too.  I don’t get it.  Does that happen to any of you?

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So there’s more to this story.  Would you be opposed to hearing sexual details?  Would you be opposed to hearing more about my sex life?  Leave a comment and let me know.

I think I could turn this into a little series and talk about this guy, and a few others.  Or even a few other experiences.  Tell me what you think about that!  I’d love to hear what you have to say.  You can comment or email me at lifeonmygayisland at gmail dot com.

So for now, comment and like and there will be more to come in this story.

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Sunday, June 9, 2013 – This Weekend Was Fun

Sunday, June 9, 2013 – Actually Monday morning at 12:17AM – This Weekend Was Fun

I didn’t do anything special, but this was a fun, relaxing weekend.

I had planned to get up around 10ish this morning (Sunday morning), however I did not.  I did not get up until 1.  And then at 2 I took a nap.  It was supposed to be a thirty minute nap, but it turned into a 2 hour nap.  I’m okay with that.

Yesterday, Saturday, I went to Sun City which is about an hour north of where I work and an hour and half north of where I live.  I like it there and I have to go there for work a lot but I never go to any of the stores or do anything other than pass through it when I go.  Yesterday I went to the mall and bookstore.  I didn’t go downtown, which I really like, but still, I enjoyed the city and had fun.  (Down town is pretty much an entirely different place compared to the rest of Sun City.)

I also went to Best Buy because I was looking for a new computer bag…and I just wanted to shop.

I’ve been thinking a lot about not spending money lately, and I haven’t spent that much.  But I did spend about $50 in the bookstore, and $20 on a pair of sunglasses.  I also bought some Van’s, which I really like, that were on sale for $30, but I didn’t.  And they were even in my new favorite color and I still resisted.

I figured I had already spent enough and I didn’t need any more shoes right now, which is all true.

While I was at Best Buy I found a laptop bag I thought I wanted and I was going to go back and get it if I didn’t find anything better in the mall.  For whatever reason, I did not return to get it after leaving the mall.  I think that is because I had decided to go to another city on Sunday and would go to the computer store and see what they had.  I thought they might have a bigger selection.

Well then on Sunday I didn’t get up in time to go…it’s about an hour south of where I live.  I did, however, end up going to Best Buy there and bought it.  It is Swiss Gear or Swiss Guard and I paid $79 for it.  I wanted something with a better name if I was going to spend that much but I went with it.  Now, I’m not sure I like it.  I will return it if I don’t…but I think Best Buy charges a restock fee for returns.  Actually, I returned something the other day and they didn’t.  It was a while back, not the other day, but still.

The thing I don’t like about it is that it feels top heavy…and it doesn’t sit on my shoulder right.  If it’s not going to be comfortable it will be returned.  But, it does have plenty of space for my stuff!

Oh, and the most exciting purchase I made on Saturday was a new Screaming Meanie alarm clock.  Truckers use them; they are super loud.  Maybe I can wake up on time now.  It was $35.

I’m having problems with either the internet or my computer, I’m not sure which.

June 4, 2013 – The Start of Something New?

So here’s the thing…I manage people.  That’s my big confession for today.

I know, right?  Can you fucking imagine?  A crazy person who doesn’t like people not only having to deal with people but having to actually manage them, too.

A the moment I’m taking a little break from work – at 8:07P-fucking-M – because I’m catching up on a lot of stuff I need to do…have been wanting to get done for a while.  I’m also doing a lot of work in one particular department because I think they’ve been fucking things up left, right, and center and I’ve got to get a handle on that.  Overall I think they’re doing well but there’s about to be a lot of changes all over the place.

I do have a lot left to do and there’s some important paperwork that I need to create and implement in order for part of the problems I’m trying to fix to remain solved.  It will take a little initial work on my part but I think after that we’ll be okay.  I just hope I get up in time in the morning and still feel like doing crap when I get back tonight.  I was hoping I could go to bed around 9 but clearly that will not happen.  Plus I’m hungry…I need to eat.  I’ll be doing really good to get into bed at 11:30 but at the moment that’s my goal.

There are a few things at work that I would like to get better at.  Lately I’ve been thinking about what I want to do next and if I do stay in this line of work, which I think will be the only way I can continue making the money I’m making…which isn’t much.  The only thing is, if I start doing something else I don’t know that I’ll be able to make as much and this is what I need – at least – to live.  And I don’t live a “nice” life….  Oh well.

Sunday, June 2, 2013 – 10:11PM

So when I get home I need to iron my clothes for tomorrow so I won’t have to do that when I get up.  And I also hope that will help

Mac 512K Keyboard (Photo credit: yllan)

me get the fuck out of bed in the morning – hopefully hearing my god damn alarm clock when it first goes off at 6:30 in the morning – and getting ready and my ass to work!  On fucking time!  Early, in fact!

There are a ton of things I need to do, none of which I did this weekend, and would like to get them done tomorrow.  Maybe tomorrow I can start off on a new leaf and getting things done.

I also have a lot of newspapers I need to read to see if there is anything good that I should know.  I have been buying newspapers like fucking crazy but reading almost none of them.

This weekend was good.  I didn’t get a lot accomplished but I did rest.  I rested too much today, but still I’m okay with that.  I have a new week to start and maybe things will go well.  I took my medicine last night and need to take it tonight before I leave the diner.  I stopped here because I wanted to post the blog post I wrote yesterday and I’m not sure that my Mac will get online when I get home.  If it does like it has for the last 2 days, it won’t.  I don’t know what that’s

Mid-1970s digital alarm clock radio (AM/FM) using split-flap display (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

about but it is annoying.  I think it has something to do with the neighbors wifi that I use.  They know it…that’s the deal.  It’s a long story that I’m not going to get into.

I also need to check and see if I can connect to the internet via my phone.  I know before I got my new iPhone I could, it was on my account but a pain in the ass to get to work.  I think after renewing my contract they took that feature off.  I need to look into that because while I do have my other computer I can use – when my dad isn’t using it – I don’t want to have to use that one while I’m at home.  That would be stupid.

But on a bring note, maybe it would get me to write and read more…though I doubt it.

June 1, 2013 – 1:54PM

This was written on the date above but I’m not posting it until now because I was having a computer issue.  I couldn’t get my Mac to connect to my home network and when I was at the coffee house I forgot to post it.  I also forgot about it when I was at home and could have moved it to my flash drive and then posted it online using my other computer.  So, a day late, but here it is.  

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Before I went to bed last night I set my alarm for 9:30 and 10AM.  I had the intentions of getting up and going to town – about an hour away from where I live, an hour and half away from where I work – because I wanted to enjoy a day out and needed to do some shopping for work.  There’s a few items we need and can’t get in the town I work in.  Then I remembered….

I forgot to get money from work to pay for the things I needed and I had also left most of the money I had left in my office, too.  I know, it’s always a good idea to leave your personal money in your office at work.  I haven’t gone to the banking center yet to deposit it and didn’t want to carry it around with me.  Smart, I know.

And I was just reminded, when I had to type in my password to install an update, I need to go through all my websites which I have a password for and change the password.  I had to give my password out to two different people this week – again, I know, not smart – and I would like to change that.

So I remembered this little fuck up while I was at Walmart looking for a cool pad for my Mac.

I recently tweeted, I think, that I had resisted the urge to buy some things that I don’t need.  I also resisted the urge to buy a cool pad last night because I do have one I don’t like that I can clean the dust and cat hair from that my dad used to use.  (#runon much?)  I’m also going to go online and look for one that is 13 inches but I don’t have to buy that one right now.  So there has been a little progress in the life of a serial shopping: a shopaholic.  But part of that may also be the fact that I think I’m about out of money.

So last night I decided I would have to drive into work before going to town.  This morning – and by morning I totally mean “noon” – when I finally got out of bed I didn’t move very far.  I was reading a book a little while ago and got sleepy.  Luckily I decided not to go back to bed.  I got up and started moving by ironing my clothes for today.  So props to me for resisting that urge, too.

I also wanted to clean out and wash my car today, but I don’t think that is going to get done.  At least if it does it won’t happen until late tonight, right before I return home.

One of the places I needed to go in town closes at 5 and are closed on Sunday.  It is now 3PM and that will not happen.  I don’t want to go next week so I don’t know what I’ll do.  Maybe I will go next week but that will just take even more time out of what I really need to do!  That or I’ll have to get up super early one morning which I don’t like doing.

As for today, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I want to get some writing done.  I would like to go in and get a little paperwork done at work.  I really need to clean my fucking office, and organize all the paperwork that is strewn all over the fucking place.  At the moment I think I’ll get ready, pick up my money, probably go to the coffee shop first and get a little writing done.  I’m not going to go to town.  The other place I wanted to go in town was a used bookstore that I know will be closed tomorrow.  But I didn’t really need to go there…but I really, really wanted to.  I bet I could find some books about my Mac there.  That thought really makes me want to go but, oh well.

But the biggest point I’d like to make is that I’m not going to beat myself up for not getting up and 9:30 like I wanted to and not getting more accomplished today.  It is, after all, Saturday, a day for me to rest and recoup my sanity.  Something that really does need to be done frequently!  Maybe more will get done tomorrow, and maybe it won’t.  We will just have to see how today ends up.

Confused People

So clearly some people are confused.  Clearly they don’t know me very well.

With a few people – the person I’m talking about in this blog is one of them – I’m very open about having depression and taking medication for it.  When I’m not taking my pills things that get ugly.  And even when I am taking my pills things aren’t always pretty.  Sometimes I just have a bad day.  Sometimes I just don’t feel like being around people.  I don’t really want to be bothered and I’m not going to be all happy and cherry.  I’m not a ray of fucking sunshine…and certainly not all the time!

I thought this particular person knew that, but I guess she didn’t.

We have been thinking about starting a writing project together.  We’ve been talking about it for…about a week now.  That isn’t a long time but for whatever reason things seemed to be going really well and everything was looking like we were going to get our first piece finished today.  That was on…Wednesday.  Thursday, yesterday, things clearly took a turn for the worst.

I’ve been doing pretty well all week with taking my medicine like I’m supposed to.  I started last Friday – a week from today – because that is the day I thought I was going to fucking snap!  I really wanted to lose my fucking mind.  I think that was the day after I went out of town to pick up my new computer – which I haven’t even written about…I don’t think.  I think I started those posts but haven’t finished them.

Anyway, so, all week I’ve been in a pretty good mood.  Well for a day or two I did forget to take my medicine.  I don’t know if it was a coincidence or what but on Thursday – the day we were going to take of from the writing project – I was in a crappy mood.  I guess I was too “negative” and pissed her off.

Now we haven’t known each other for a long time, only a couple of months, but we’ve been hanging out a lot!  And she has seen my mood swings so I think she should know what I’m like.  Maybe I was wrong.

She basically said my negativity is not going to be good for the project.  I’m sorry.

If you think I’m going to go every day of my life without being in a bad mood then you are wrong!  Severely wrong!  I wish I could but that’s just not how my mind was made, chemically.  It isn’t how I function.

I have a very high-stress job and I just have bad days.  It is what it is and if that is what is stopping us from working together, or stopping you from wanting to work for me, then go for it.  I can’t do anything about that.  Even if I take my medicine every fucking day I’m still going to have days when I feel moody and depressed.  That’s just how I am and anybody who can’t deal with that has to get over it or just not be friends with me.

I’m curious to see if we remain as close of friends as we have been.  Only time will tell but I’m really curious.

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Poopy Day

So poo-poo on this day.

So I think we all know by now I suck at taking my medicine every day.  In fact, with this heading where it’s going to I will even tell you now…I haven’t even taken my medicine yet for today.  That should tell you how stellar I am.  And it’s not like my pills were all the way at my house while I was at work.  (In the past I have been keeping them at my desk at work.)  No, I decided to start keeping them in my computer bag because that way I can remember to take them.

Actually, a friend of mine with whom I was talking about my shitty moods and not taking my pills like I should suggested I start keeping them in my bag.  I took her up on the suggestion.  And today, while I was at work and knew I was in a foul mood, my bag sat next to my desk.  All day.  With the pills inside.  Waiting for me to take them.  I didn’t.  I still haven’t.  Even after sitting at the coffee shop and talking to her about it.

I think I pissed her off today, actually, but I can’t say I give a fuck.  I mean I did tell her this was one of those days where I have no fucks left to give.  Someone at work today asked me what was wrong.  She said I didn’t seem this way when I first came in.

The thing is, most of the time I don’t feel like I’m in a bad mood or like this is going to be a bad day when I first get up.  It’s usually at work that I get pissed off.  Like, as soon as I fucking walk in the god damn door I get pissed!  Something about being at work sends me over the edge.  They don’t have to do anything.  Nobody has to piss me off when I get there.  All they have to do is say “hi” and I’ll get pissed.

But I wasn’t in a rageful mood, I just didn’t feel like doing anything and didn’t feel like being bothered.  Today was one of those days when I just wanted to be left alone.

I’m going to get up and take my pills now.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

And maybe my missing 1 day – or maybe 2 – of pills has nothing to do with my mood, I don’t know.  It wasn’t a “bad” day but it wasn’t a “good” day, either.  It was one of those days that when I was coming home I was thinking I would like to go somewhere alone this weekend and just get away.

I should look for some gay cabins or gay campgrounds with cabins.  I need a little bit of “home comforts.”  Like running fucking water, an air conditioner, and a nice CLEAN toilet!  But that would be fun.

This Isn’t Working

If there’s one thing I know for sure it is that this, what I’m doing right now and the way I’m living, isn’t working.  This cannot continue.  I can’t keep going like this and I can, I just can’t, keep up with this bullshit!  Something has got to go!

Today was one of those days when I just wanted to snap.  By the end of the day I wanted to go the fuck off on someone until it wasn’t even funny!

I was sitting at a red light.  I was fumbling with something, I think it might have been my phone, and I knew there was a six-pack of IBC Cream Soda – glass bottles – sitting in my back floorboard with one sitting in the back seat.

I was several cars behind the red light, maybe the 4th one in line.

There was a red Honda Accord Coupe driven by a tallish young guy.  The light turned green and there were 2 car length in front of me before I noticed.  In the split second before I went, after I noticed what was going on, I thought of the guy in the car behind me.  I thought if he honked his fucking horn I would slam on brakes, grab the amber-colored bottle from my backseat, get out of my car and yell at him telling him “if you want to fuck with me you blog that God-damn horn one more fucking time,” then throw the bottle at his windshield.

I thought how much I wish I had a taser in case he then tried to get out of his car and come after me.

That is when I fucking knew I needed to go home.  I didn’t, but it’s when I thought I really needed to.

Before that event, I had already slammed my car door – which I never usually do – to go back into my office to get something I forgot.  My coffee.  I had forgot to get my coffee out of the microwave.  I also wanted to throw my phone across my car – which I also never do because I don’t even set my iPhone down hard…I am only gental and kind to that wonderful devise – because the internet wasn’t working.  Fucking Sprint!

Today is when I wanted to snap.  I wanted to fucking go the fuck off at anybody.

It is days like today that I can’t take many more of.  Something has GOT to give!  Something has got to change!

Dating

So I’ve gone on a date!

I meet this guy online, on a website that is mainly used for hooking up.  Actually, when the site first came out that IS all it was used for.  Now they have a “networking” option…you can put on your profile that you are looking to “network” which I think is total bullshit because who…and mean…what the fuck!

Anyway.

I saw him and even looked at his profile but thought I wouldn’t have a snowballs chance in hell with him so I didn’t send him a message.  And day later, I think, I got a funny little message from him that was a joke on what I had written in my profile.  I thought, good!

Damn there’s a crying fucking baby in the cafe right now that really needs to be taken out!

Back to my story….

So we talked online for a few hours over a few days and then we even talked on the phone for 4 hours one night.

The next day we meet at a cafe for coffee and stayed there talking for like 3 hours.  Then he said he was going home because he was tired but I found out later he went to his friends house.  I though…?… but I didn’t say anything.  Then I didn’t really think about it anymore.

We talked for about an hour that night, I think, then yesterday we meet for drinks.  We hung out for about 5 hours.  We haven’t had sex yet, which I’m fine with, but that might be the problem.

I really don’t know what he’s thinking but I think I could really like him.  He seems okay.  There are a couple issues I don’t like but I think the problem we might have is that he’s a bottom, too!  So am I!

I never, in a million fucking years, would have guessed that he was a bottom.  I thought he was a top.  I mean, I know this is stereotyping, but let’s look at a few facts, shall we!

1.  He used to be MARRIED!  And NOT to a man…to a WOMAN!

They got married because, according to his story, after only having sex three times they got pregnant.  That sucks.  So they were married for a little while – I don’t know how long – but divorced after they lost the child about…3 weeks after it was born, I think he said.

I asked him what his life would have been like now had the baby not died.  He said nothing would be different except half his check would be going to her to help support the baby.  I was wondering if he would still be married because he sounded like the sex wasn’t a huge problem but they also didn’t have much of it.  I don’t know.  I wouldn’t mind pressing a little more into that subject because I do find it a bit interesting.

I mean, I can’t relate to that…and I told him as much.  But I can’t relate to that becuase while he might be somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale, I’m a firm fucking 6!  I’m gay.  I mean GAY gay!  And I like that.

And, on a quick side-note  he wanted to see how I would act if I got drunk and last night he succeeded in finding out.  I asked him what he thought but I never got a good answer.  I was wondering if I should text him today or leave him alone but just now, as I’m writing this, I think I will text him to see if I can get a better answer out of him.  And I’m curious if he wants to talk today.

I mean, this is a problem I have with dating: I don’t know what the fuck to do!?!  My new friend from the cafe is out of town this week so I can’t even ask her.  I certainly can’t ask my Old Friend…that’s her name, by the way, Old Friend.  I’ll be writing about her later but haven’t gotten around to it yet.  Maybe later tonight.

P.S.: I texted him and he texted back and said “Haha.  He was okay.  It was fun.”  I retexted him and said “”Okay.”  Bite Me.”

What?!?  I’m just “okay!?!?”  Fuck you.  Anyway.

I really don’t know where this is going.  I wouldn’t mind being friends with him at the least, but then again I don’t know if I have the energy to do that right now.  I mean, I do really need someone to date.  I need a relationship.  I think I might be entering desperate territory and that’s not a good thing.  I really know that’s not a good thing!  I don’t want to be that person and I don’t want to settle for someone but then I was thinking, “I’m not really the person whom anyone good would want to date.”  That is something I need to think about and write about later.

I need to go now.  I need to go back to work.  I just wanted to make a quick post and tell you what I was doing right now.  What happen.  I’ll talk more about the trip I was going to take, later.

P.P.S.: He texted back saying “Boo.  You read in to that negatively. :-p”

We will just have to ride the ride and see where this goes.

 

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One of those Days

Today was one of those days.  One of those days I just wanted to go home and crawl back into bed.

A depressed man sitting on a bench (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And…that’s just what I did when I got off work.  And then I went to a diner and ate crappy food that totally fucks up everything I might have done positively at work when eating.

I guess I could look at it like this: I didn’t eat fast food for lunch today at work.  Actually…now that I think about it I don’t think I ate anything at work today…other than snacking on a few cold cuts.  So I guess really that isn’t good because your body holds on to the fat if you’re not eating regularly to give it proper nutrition.  So maybe today was a total day of fuck up eating.  Oh well.

At first thought when I eat something bad that I know I shouldn’t I just want to say “fuck it, love me the way I am.  I need to find someone who will love me like this.”  But you know that’s not true.  The problem isn’t that I”m hideously overweight or ugly.  I mean I am overweight…probably about 80 pounds.

Oh shit.  I totally just googled “how much should a x’xx” male weight” and I’m actually, according to the chart I found online 100 pounds overweight.  The “high” target weight would put me needing to lose 80 pounds…but my actual target weight means I’m officially obese if you’re going my the definition which says obese is anyone who is 100 or more pounds overweight.

Take a minute for that depressing fact to set in, why don’t we!

But you know.  On another side note.  When I’m thinking “rationally.”  When my “medicated” mind is present I know that I’m not ugly.  Yes, I’m overweight.  But no, I’m not ugly.  When I dress up I actually don’t look that bad.  Especially when I’m having a good face day and everything.  But where I live, which comes back to the original point, I just can’t find anyone who wants to date me.  And the other truth is…I don’t get out there so I “can” be seen to date.  Now the reason I don’t is because I’m so afraid of rejection.

It’s a double-edged sword.  Sometimes I just want to give up.

But back to today….

So last Tuesday I went to the doctor to get another prescription for my “happy pills”…otherwise known as my “bitch pills” or “don’t-be-a-bitch pills” or my “don’t-kill-pills.”

Previously I had run out of my pills (I don’t know if I’ve talked about this before) so I called my doctor to make an appointment so I could get a new prescription.  When I called her I found out she was no longer there.  Since my life is so fucking chaotic, I had moved and got rid of my post office box so I did not know she was going to – or had – closed her practice.

When I realized all this it was too late to wait.  We were in the full-blown shit-just-got-real cray cray fucking crazy-town!  So, since it was too late to wait because I honestly didn’t know what I might do, I called a friend who has been on several anti-depressants in the past and is known for keeping old medication.  Luckily she had some Pristiq she no longer needed.

I’ve always been kind of leery of taking medications that aren’t prescribed to me by a doctor.  I don’t really like self-medicating.  But I had a feeling that nothing to get worse than it already was since I was entrenched in cray-cray-ville.

So I took them, not like I was supposed to, but I was trying to stretch them out because I didn’t have money to get any more.  That is a reoccurring theme with me and my medicine…not taking it like I should.  Why, I don’t know.  I know how good it can feel – well…not so much good as “normal” and bearable – when I take my medicine regularly.  But still, I don’t.

So a couple of weeks ago I was feeling like the pills weren’t really working.  I looked at the bottle and they had been expired for over a year.  That, and what was probably a smaller does…not to mention not taking it every day, was probably the problem.  So last Tuesday I went to the doctor for more of what I normally take.

Now, when I went, like I always do, I said I was going to start taking it every day.  So far, I’ve taken it twice.  In the morning I will take it for a third time and really try hard this time to take it every day.  I’m tired of feeling like this.  Full of despair.  I won’t get anywhere like this.