Confused People

So clearly some people are confused.  Clearly they don’t know me very well.

With a few people – the person I’m talking about in this blog is one of them – I’m very open about having depression and taking medication for it.  When I’m not taking my pills things that get ugly.  And even when I am taking my pills things aren’t always pretty.  Sometimes I just have a bad day.  Sometimes I just don’t feel like being around people.  I don’t really want to be bothered and I’m not going to be all happy and cherry.  I’m not a ray of fucking sunshine…and certainly not all the time!

I thought this particular person knew that, but I guess she didn’t.

We have been thinking about starting a writing project together.  We’ve been talking about it for…about a week now.  That isn’t a long time but for whatever reason things seemed to be going really well and everything was looking like we were going to get our first piece finished today.  That was on…Wednesday.  Thursday, yesterday, things clearly took a turn for the worst.

I’ve been doing pretty well all week with taking my medicine like I’m supposed to.  I started last Friday – a week from today – because that is the day I thought I was going to fucking snap!  I really wanted to lose my fucking mind.  I think that was the day after I went out of town to pick up my new computer – which I haven’t even written about…I don’t think.  I think I started those posts but haven’t finished them.

Anyway, so, all week I’ve been in a pretty good mood.  Well for a day or two I did forget to take my medicine.  I don’t know if it was a coincidence or what but on Thursday – the day we were going to take of from the writing project – I was in a crappy mood.  I guess I was too “negative” and pissed her off.

Now we haven’t known each other for a long time, only a couple of months, but we’ve been hanging out a lot!  And she has seen my mood swings so I think she should know what I’m like.  Maybe I was wrong.

She basically said my negativity is not going to be good for the project.  I’m sorry.

If you think I’m going to go every day of my life without being in a bad mood then you are wrong!  Severely wrong!  I wish I could but that’s just not how my mind was made, chemically.  It isn’t how I function.

I have a very high-stress job and I just have bad days.  It is what it is and if that is what is stopping us from working together, or stopping you from wanting to work for me, then go for it.  I can’t do anything about that.  Even if I take my medicine every fucking day I’m still going to have days when I feel moody and depressed.  That’s just how I am and anybody who can’t deal with that has to get over it or just not be friends with me.

I’m curious to see if we remain as close of friends as we have been.  Only time will tell but I’m really curious.

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