The Prozac is Wearing Off

Good times.

Fluoxetine (Prozac), an SSRI

Fluoxetine (Prozac), an SSRI (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not really, but not horrible, either.

At least not yet.

I haven’t taken my Prozac in several days but that is partially because I’m running out of money and I’m also running out of Prozac.  I just took 3 pills, my normal dose (not with my current doctor but with my old doctor).

The doctor I’m going to now – because my old doctor is no longer in business – prescribed me 40MG a day.  That would be two pills a day which, I realize, is better than taking what I’m currently taking which is…two or three pills every few days with little regularity.  I realize this, but still….

I just counted and I have 13 pills left.  There are 11 days until I get paid again.  If I call now maybe I can get an appointment on that 11th day.  I think taking one pill a day would be better than what I have been doing.  Hell, it isn’t like I have much of a choice.  I could see if a friend of mine has any medicine left but I really don’t want to start something new.  I did that before when I was completely out – for a while – and what she gave me I believe was expired.  I wanted to kill myself by the time I got more Prozac.

I could also ask my boss because she said if I needed I could get a few pills from her because I guess she was prescribed it but never takes it.  I don’t know why.  I believe she and I had the conversation that it helps her but, like me, I guess she’s just hard headed.

Another thing that hot me down is that I saw a gay guy who looked cute today.  He was from the capital and I believe where it works, and probably lives, is near a big gay, trendy, area.  I wish I weren’t ugly but that’s the way I feel.  I just feel like I’m not good enough.  And to be honest, I’m not.

Nothing about me is good enough.  I don’t look good, I’m not the best at my job, I haven’t been able to write and I don’t really think I’m smart enough to, anyway, and I don’t have a lot of money.

This is what life with depression is like.

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Flat Tire – I Was Proud of Myself

So I woke up this morning at 7.  Good for me.  Then I went back to bed and didn’t actually get up until 9.  Why 9?  Because my boss called me on my cell phone.  I don’t think she knew I had just woke up…I played it cool with my voice, I think.  If she did know she didn’t say anything.  I do know she first called my office but she didn’t say anything.  I’m cutting it close, I know.

So then I was thinking, “well, if I quickly shower and get dressed and leave by 9:30 that will put me in the office by 10 and that should be about the time” – I was totally guessing – “she is getting to her office.  So if she calls me after that there will be no questions.”

Well, I didn’t iron clothes last night, either.  So that took even longer.  It was about 10 minutes before 10 when I finally left the house.

On Sunday I realized I needed to replace one of the tires on my car; mettle threads were showing and sticking out of the tire.  I realized there was a problem when my car started bouncing down the road more than it usually does.  I looked.  I saw.  I did not curse or use fowl language.  (I was really proud of myself.)

Monday I went to the guy I normally use so I could get a new tire.  He’s a really nice guy and I trust him.  That, in my opinion, is huge.  I always feel…at a disadvantage, for the lack of a better word…when I need to have anything done to my car.  I know how to drive it but I don’t know how to fix it.  He wasn’t there.  Some other guy was there so I don’t know if he took over or is just taking some time off.  From the way the new guy sounded, he’s the new owner.  Hopefully he’s not because I don’t like him as much as the other guy.

He said he didn’t have the size I needed but should on Wednesday: that is today.

This morning my tire went flat.  I did not curse or say anything bad.  (I was very proud of myself.)

A flat tire on a Mercury Villager van.

A flat tire on a Mercury Villager van. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I saw him he asked me how many miles I drive everyday.  I told him about 70.  That’s a low number, but whatever.  He said it wouldn’t last that long.  I thought he might be right, but I’ve been told that by other tire people – not with this tire and not with tires that were this bad – and they were wrong.  I knew I needed to be careful because I knew it could go out at any time.

Turns out he was right.

There are not a lot of things I would say I’m good at but admitting with I’m legitimately wrong is one of them.  Beyond that, admitting when I have done something stupid.  I have done a lot of stupid things in life.  If I took the time to list all the stupid things I’ve done, and continue to do, I would be here all day.

So I was very proud of myself – not for the first time with something like this – when I did not get upset when my tire went flat.  I didn’t get upset and I acted like it was no big deal because with all things considered, it wasn’t.

It also probably helped that I have been taking my Prozac like I’m supposed to and I haven’t been in a rageful mood.

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The Never-ending Day

Tuesday, June 11, 2013 – 3:13PM

I’m not having a bad day or anything, I just want it to be over with.  I want to be able to go home.  And by go home I really mean

Interior of the 1938 Diner in Wellsboro, Tioga...

Interior of the 1938 Diner in Wellsboro, Tioga County, Pennsylvania, United States (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

just go to the coffee shop and relax and maybe do some writing.  Or play on the internet…I do that a lot, too.  This just seems like one of those days that is crawling by and will never end.  And the funny thing is I got a pretty good amount of sleep last night.  I shouldn’t be tired.  And I’m not really, I’m just in one of those moods where I want to go home.  I don’t want to be “on” and I don’t want to be around people I have to be remotely cheery around.

I got the idea for a new story and I would also like to start work on that, at least the outline.  I think it will be good but there will be some research I first need to know.  I don’t know how long it will be, but it won’t bet past the first sentence if I don’t at least start it!

I had to run an errand for work this morning and stopped to get lunch while I was gone.  It was actually around noon so it was time for lunch.  I had been wanting breakfast food since I went to bed last night but didn’t get up early enough this morning to go before work.  I stopped at this diner that I have only been to once before.  It’s on a side of town that I don’t usually go to.

While I was there it wasn’t very busy but I was wishing I had my computer with me.  It was probably only one step down from what I would consider a true diner.  The reason I say one step down is because it is a chain, but it really felt like a diner.  Diners kind of interest me.

I never think of anything really great when I think of a diner.  I always think of something kind of dirty and kind of poor.  Where the lower classes of society go.  I know I’m wrong for a variety of reasons when I say that but it’s still what always comes to mind.  I would like to do some writing in that diner because I think I could hit on something good.  I know, I’m strange.

I’m going to go so I can get back to work and hopefully get this day over with.  Only a few more hours to go.  I can’t wait to go home.

And, I hope the tire on my car lasts to get me home and then back to work!  It’s looking quite “ratchet.”

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Nervous & Straight – Part 1

Monday, June 10, 2013

So when I get nervous one of the things that happens to me is I get tired.  If all of a sudden I’m tired and yawning, it could be a sign

Get Nervous

Get Nervous (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m nervous.  I don’t know what the deal is.  Most people have the fight or flight mechanism kick in when they’re upset, or nervous – when they since fear, or something to be fearful of, is present.  Not me, I just want to roll over and play dead.  I want to crawl into bed – or a corner – and pull the covers over my eyes and pretend you can’t see me and the problem isn’t here.

I think I’m about to go visit my fuck buddy.  I’ve turned him away several times and when he texted me earlier today asking if I wanted to get together I said “maybe.”  Then he texted back a frowning face and asked me if I was getting tired of him.  I said “no.”  What I would have liked to say is, “No, but it would be nice if you would fucking kiss me!”

We’ve had this conversation before.  In fact, the last time we talked about this it was…maybe about a month…before we hooked up again.  Something about kissing is just the line drawn in the sand for “straight men.”  Oh, did I forget that part?  Yeah, this guy is “straight.”  If he were bi I wouldn’t put bi in parentheses, “straight,” however, deserves some added scrutiny.

So it’s been a couple of hours since I started this post.  I was taking a quick coffee break from work.  Now it’s after work and I texted him to see if he was still free and wanted to get together.  He said no, he was “spent.”

I asked him if he had found someone else.  He had, it some girl.  We might hook up later tonight but he doesn’t know yet.  I told him we should.

Before I end this for now, I want to finish my point about getting nervous.

I’m not sure why I do it.  When we are about to get together – and we have several times – I get nervous.  And most of the time I also get sleepy.  The part I don’t understand is the getting sleepy part.  I mean I also don’t understand why I get nervous when I’m about to see him.  And it’s not just him, it’s other guys I’m about to hook up with regardless of if this is our first time or now.

And I get sleepy when I get nervous about other things, too.  I don’t get it.  Does that happen to any of you?

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So there’s more to this story.  Would you be opposed to hearing sexual details?  Would you be opposed to hearing more about my sex life?  Leave a comment and let me know.

I think I could turn this into a little series and talk about this guy, and a few others.  Or even a few other experiences.  Tell me what you think about that!  I’d love to hear what you have to say.  You can comment or email me at lifeonmygayisland at gmail dot com.

So for now, comment and like and there will be more to come in this story.

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Sunday, June 9, 2013 – This Weekend Was Fun

Sunday, June 9, 2013 – Actually Monday morning at 12:17AM – This Weekend Was Fun

I didn’t do anything special, but this was a fun, relaxing weekend.

I had planned to get up around 10ish this morning (Sunday morning), however I did not.  I did not get up until 1.  And then at 2 I took a nap.  It was supposed to be a thirty minute nap, but it turned into a 2 hour nap.  I’m okay with that.

Yesterday, Saturday, I went to Sun City which is about an hour north of where I work and an hour and half north of where I live.  I like it there and I have to go there for work a lot but I never go to any of the stores or do anything other than pass through it when I go.  Yesterday I went to the mall and bookstore.  I didn’t go downtown, which I really like, but still, I enjoyed the city and had fun.  (Down town is pretty much an entirely different place compared to the rest of Sun City.)

I also went to Best Buy because I was looking for a new computer bag…and I just wanted to shop.

I’ve been thinking a lot about not spending money lately, and I haven’t spent that much.  But I did spend about $50 in the bookstore, and $20 on a pair of sunglasses.  I also bought some Van’s, which I really like, that were on sale for $30, but I didn’t.  And they were even in my new favorite color and I still resisted.

I figured I had already spent enough and I didn’t need any more shoes right now, which is all true.

While I was at Best Buy I found a laptop bag I thought I wanted and I was going to go back and get it if I didn’t find anything better in the mall.  For whatever reason, I did not return to get it after leaving the mall.  I think that is because I had decided to go to another city on Sunday and would go to the computer store and see what they had.  I thought they might have a bigger selection.

Well then on Sunday I didn’t get up in time to go…it’s about an hour south of where I live.  I did, however, end up going to Best Buy there and bought it.  It is Swiss Gear or Swiss Guard and I paid $79 for it.  I wanted something with a better name if I was going to spend that much but I went with it.  Now, I’m not sure I like it.  I will return it if I don’t…but I think Best Buy charges a restock fee for returns.  Actually, I returned something the other day and they didn’t.  It was a while back, not the other day, but still.

The thing I don’t like about it is that it feels top heavy…and it doesn’t sit on my shoulder right.  If it’s not going to be comfortable it will be returned.  But, it does have plenty of space for my stuff!

Oh, and the most exciting purchase I made on Saturday was a new Screaming Meanie alarm clock.  Truckers use them; they are super loud.  Maybe I can wake up on time now.  It was $35.

I’m having problems with either the internet or my computer, I’m not sure which.

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June 1, 2013 – 1:54PM

This was written on the date above but I’m not posting it until now because I was having a computer issue.  I couldn’t get my Mac to connect to my home network and when I was at the coffee house I forgot to post it.  I also forgot about it when I was at home and could have moved it to my flash drive and then posted it online using my other computer.  So, a day late, but here it is.  

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Before I went to bed last night I set my alarm for 9:30 and 10AM.  I had the intentions of getting up and going to town – about an hour away from where I live, an hour and half away from where I work – because I wanted to enjoy a day out and needed to do some shopping for work.  There’s a few items we need and can’t get in the town I work in.  Then I remembered….

I forgot to get money from work to pay for the things I needed and I had also left most of the money I had left in my office, too.  I know, it’s always a good idea to leave your personal money in your office at work.  I haven’t gone to the banking center yet to deposit it and didn’t want to carry it around with me.  Smart, I know.

And I was just reminded, when I had to type in my password to install an update, I need to go through all my websites which I have a password for and change the password.  I had to give my password out to two different people this week – again, I know, not smart – and I would like to change that.

So I remembered this little fuck up while I was at Walmart looking for a cool pad for my Mac.

I recently tweeted, I think, that I had resisted the urge to buy some things that I don’t need.  I also resisted the urge to buy a cool pad last night because I do have one I don’t like that I can clean the dust and cat hair from that my dad used to use.  (#runon much?)  I’m also going to go online and look for one that is 13 inches but I don’t have to buy that one right now.  So there has been a little progress in the life of a serial shopping: a shopaholic.  But part of that may also be the fact that I think I’m about out of money.

So last night I decided I would have to drive into work before going to town.  This morning – and by morning I totally mean “noon” – when I finally got out of bed I didn’t move very far.  I was reading a book a little while ago and got sleepy.  Luckily I decided not to go back to bed.  I got up and started moving by ironing my clothes for today.  So props to me for resisting that urge, too.

I also wanted to clean out and wash my car today, but I don’t think that is going to get done.  At least if it does it won’t happen until late tonight, right before I return home.

One of the places I needed to go in town closes at 5 and are closed on Sunday.  It is now 3PM and that will not happen.  I don’t want to go next week so I don’t know what I’ll do.  Maybe I will go next week but that will just take even more time out of what I really need to do!  That or I’ll have to get up super early one morning which I don’t like doing.

As for today, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I want to get some writing done.  I would like to go in and get a little paperwork done at work.  I really need to clean my fucking office, and organize all the paperwork that is strewn all over the fucking place.  At the moment I think I’ll get ready, pick up my money, probably go to the coffee shop first and get a little writing done.  I’m not going to go to town.  The other place I wanted to go in town was a used bookstore that I know will be closed tomorrow.  But I didn’t really need to go there…but I really, really wanted to.  I bet I could find some books about my Mac there.  That thought really makes me want to go but, oh well.

But the biggest point I’d like to make is that I’m not going to beat myself up for not getting up and 9:30 like I wanted to and not getting more accomplished today.  It is, after all, Saturday, a day for me to rest and recoup my sanity.  Something that really does need to be done frequently!  Maybe more will get done tomorrow, and maybe it won’t.  We will just have to see how today ends up.

Confused People

So clearly some people are confused.  Clearly they don’t know me very well.

With a few people – the person I’m talking about in this blog is one of them – I’m very open about having depression and taking medication for it.  When I’m not taking my pills things that get ugly.  And even when I am taking my pills things aren’t always pretty.  Sometimes I just have a bad day.  Sometimes I just don’t feel like being around people.  I don’t really want to be bothered and I’m not going to be all happy and cherry.  I’m not a ray of fucking sunshine…and certainly not all the time!

I thought this particular person knew that, but I guess she didn’t.

We have been thinking about starting a writing project together.  We’ve been talking about it for…about a week now.  That isn’t a long time but for whatever reason things seemed to be going really well and everything was looking like we were going to get our first piece finished today.  That was on…Wednesday.  Thursday, yesterday, things clearly took a turn for the worst.

I’ve been doing pretty well all week with taking my medicine like I’m supposed to.  I started last Friday – a week from today – because that is the day I thought I was going to fucking snap!  I really wanted to lose my fucking mind.  I think that was the day after I went out of town to pick up my new computer – which I haven’t even written about…I don’t think.  I think I started those posts but haven’t finished them.

Anyway, so, all week I’ve been in a pretty good mood.  Well for a day or two I did forget to take my medicine.  I don’t know if it was a coincidence or what but on Thursday – the day we were going to take of from the writing project – I was in a crappy mood.  I guess I was too “negative” and pissed her off.

Now we haven’t known each other for a long time, only a couple of months, but we’ve been hanging out a lot!  And she has seen my mood swings so I think she should know what I’m like.  Maybe I was wrong.

She basically said my negativity is not going to be good for the project.  I’m sorry.

If you think I’m going to go every day of my life without being in a bad mood then you are wrong!  Severely wrong!  I wish I could but that’s just not how my mind was made, chemically.  It isn’t how I function.

I have a very high-stress job and I just have bad days.  It is what it is and if that is what is stopping us from working together, or stopping you from wanting to work for me, then go for it.  I can’t do anything about that.  Even if I take my medicine every fucking day I’m still going to have days when I feel moody and depressed.  That’s just how I am and anybody who can’t deal with that has to get over it or just not be friends with me.

I’m curious to see if we remain as close of friends as we have been.  Only time will tell but I’m really curious.

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