You Can’t See Me

I wear my sunglasses and ear buds like a protective security blanket.

I don’t like large groups of people.  And even though I listen to loud music, and sometimes really like it, I don’t like being in large crowds of people when it’s noisy.  One of the ways I deal with this is my sunglasses and ear buds.  Every time I go somewhere like Walmart I always have my ears stuffed with ear buds and, if it’s daytime, my sunglasses on.  Some people think that’s strange.  They don’t know it’s for security and so I can deal with people.

I look at these necessities like a baby’s security blanket.  It’s my adult baby blanket…my security blanket.

I feel like, when I’m walking around with these things, like people can’t see me.  I know that’s irrational because it’s not true, but it makes me feel better.  I don’t know why I don’t want to “be seen,” but I do.  I know this probably isn’t helping me find a boyfriend because it’s probably an indication I don’t want to be bothered or talked to.  But it’s true.  I don’t want people to notice me.

I think the reason I don’t want to be “seen” is because I’m ashamed of the way I look.  And the truth is I really don’t look that bad!  I’m actually a pretty decent looking guy, I think.  And I do think that…I know that, but I still feel like I’m ugly and don’t look good.  Maybe when I lose weight I’ll feel different.

I think that also may be why I kind of like small homes and small cars: a cozy  safe feeling.  I also really like my desk space kind of…hidden off, or out of the way.  In classrooms and conferences I always like to sit in the back away from everyone.  And when I move I would like to have my desk surrounded by large indoor plants and trees.  A couple of nice big Corn Plants on each side.

When I’m Alone in Public

shy boy

shy boy (Photo credit: allerleirau)

I got dressed this afternoon after not getting out of bed until almost 3PM.  I actually did wake up when my alarm went off, got up to go to the bathroom, and then crawled back into bed sitting my alarm to let me sleep another 30 minutes.  That’s when the good intentions all went to hell.  The next thing I knew it was 2:30.

I didn’t do a whole lot but I did go to Starbucks for my “morning” coffee.  I finally found my Starbucks card I had lost and was able to use my free drink.  Go me…I saved $5.41.  (I’m now at Starbucks again and am using my $5.41 that I didn’t spend earlier.  On the drive over here I was going to just get regular coffee because that is only about $2.35ish but I decided against that idea.  Even though this latte isn’t helping my wallet nor my waistline.

So after I got dressed around 5:30, I had been planning on maybe running to Sam’s Club for something I didn’t get when I was in that area yesterday.  Or, if I couldn’t get in contact with a friend of mine who I needed to go with because she has a Sam’s Club membership and I don’t, I was going to go to Starbucks and do some writing. I really wanted to go do some writing because I had a few things on my mind I wanted to write about.

After getting dressed though, and going outside to smoke, I didn’t feel like it.  I didn’t feel like going to Starbucks, or anywhere, but especially Starbucks to write, because I didn’t feel like dealing – and mainly being seen by – people…all those people who would be there.  I didn’t feel like being seen in public.  By people.  I wanted to stay at home, alone.  Where no one would see me.  Where no one could see me.  Alone.

That is a problem that I have to deal with a lot.  When I’m out running errands and doing things, for myself or for work, I often come across that.  I will be doing okay, but then I’ll get to there I just don’t want to be seen.  Or I’ll have all the greatest intentions of going to some store, or doing something, and then when I get there I just feel like I can’t do it because I don’t want all those people looking at me.  And often times, when I get to that place, I don’t go.  I don’t do it.  I will have just parked my car and then I will just pull right back out of the parking lot and go back to my office.  Or I’ll go somewhere else.  I eat in my car a lot because of that.  I don’t want to be seen.  I especially don’t like being seen in public eating.

But the funny thing is this: I don’t have a problem being seen in public when I’m with other people.  It’s only when I’m alone, by myself, that I have a problem.  That’s when all this comes to mind and it really bothers me.