You Can’t See Me

I wear my sunglasses and ear buds like a protective security blanket.

I don’t like large groups of people.  And even though I listen to loud music, and sometimes really like it, I don’t like being in large crowds of people when it’s noisy.  One of the ways I deal with this is my sunglasses and ear buds.  Every time I go somewhere like Walmart I always have my ears stuffed with ear buds and, if it’s daytime, my sunglasses on.  Some people think that’s strange.  They don’t know it’s for security and so I can deal with people.

I look at these necessities like a baby’s security blanket.  It’s my adult baby blanket…my security blanket.

I feel like, when I’m walking around with these things, like people can’t see me.  I know that’s irrational because it’s not true, but it makes me feel better.  I don’t know why I don’t want to “be seen,” but I do.  I know this probably isn’t helping me find a boyfriend because it’s probably an indication I don’t want to be bothered or talked to.  But it’s true.  I don’t want people to notice me.

I think the reason I don’t want to be “seen” is because I’m ashamed of the way I look.  And the truth is I really don’t look that bad!  I’m actually a pretty decent looking guy, I think.  And I do think that…I know that, but I still feel like I’m ugly and don’t look good.  Maybe when I lose weight I’ll feel different.

I think that also may be why I kind of like small homes and small cars: a cozy  safe feeling.  I also really like my desk space kind of…hidden off, or out of the way.  In classrooms and conferences I always like to sit in the back away from everyone.  And when I move I would like to have my desk surrounded by large indoor plants and trees.  A couple of nice big Corn Plants on each side.