Obligatory “I’m Coming Back” Post

So this is my obligatory “I’m going to start blogging again” post.  Not that there are a lot of people, if any, reading right now but that is to be expected since I don’t post a lot.  Hell, I haven’t posted in months.  I am going to start working harder on gaining new readers and posting on a regular basis.  This is going to be a lot of life journal and things I’m going through so if that’s not what you’re interested in…I guess it won’t work between us.  We’re going to have to breakup.   #funnyface

One of the other things I want to start writing about is my sex life.  I know that is also going to be something that a lot of people probably won’t be into but I really want to start using this blog as a journal, which I have in the past, and as a “session with a therapist,” if you will.  I know there are a lot of things that I should be unpacking with a therapist but for now I’m going to have to use this blog.  (That is one of the things I’m looking forward to when I get insurance thanks to “Obamacare” as everyone likes to derogatorily call it.)  I hope you find my therapy writing sessions interesting.  I do think opening up about a lot of things will – and can – help others because most of us think we are alone in our struggles when in fact we are not.

But, today’s topic is going to be about work and stress.  I’m going to try not to make this very long because there is another post I would like to get written, or at least mostly written, for tomorrow.  I would like to start posting at least 4 times a week, at the least.  I know some days there really isn’t anything new and exciting to talk about, but we will just have to sit back together and see what happens.

So we all know – or should know – stress can kill you.  I have heard a lot of people talk about how if you’re sick or going through a big medical problem/disease, you need to try and reduce stress as much as possible.  My mother suffered, and eventually died from, cancer for most of my life. My dad worked tirelessly to make sure she was as happy, comfortable, and as stress free as she could possibly be.  That was one of his two biggest goals and challenges, and jobs, really, while she was sick.  I think that is also the reason she lived so much longer than her doctors thought she would and why she did as well, for as long, as she did.  That was part of how she was able to not give up and give in to the disease.  That and the fact that she had me and I was her biggest life goals.  I remember my dad saying after she passed that her biggest goal was to see me turn 18.  She did not get to do that but she tried.

So keeping that in mind, I am trying really hard not to get stressed.  There are some things that we just can’t do anything about and there is no productive reason for us to bitch about those things or stress about those things.  Well, today I learned of another thing that I would normally want to stress about but I’m just going to tell my self not to stress and that everything will be okay.

Payroll might not clear the bank this week.  And, on top of that, when I hold off until Monday to cash my check, it could bounce.  We get paid on Friday.  Today my boss asked if there was any way some of my employees might be able to wait to get paid.

“No, I really don’t think so,” I said.

Yes, let’s tell my ghetto employees who are only here for their paycheck and not because this is any kind of career for them that they need to wait a few extra days to get paid.  On top of that, let’s tell my employees who don’t even fucking make that much that they have to wait to get paid.  No, no that will not work.

It is difficult enough, and big enough of a deal that I’m going to wait to cash my check.  I know I’m helping them out with that and I pretty much offered that solution before he had to ask.  I’m not sure if he would have asked, but I offered.  I’m making a sacrifice for them and I really hope they see that as being as big of a deal as that really is!  That is not just me waiting until next week to cash my check.  That is me, someone who does not really make that much money in the grand scheme of things, and someone who does not have any savings, waiting an entire weekend extra to cash my check when I have bills due on Friday. Not only do I have bills due but I also don’t have a whole not of money to tide me over until then.  The said fact of my life, and I know this part is my fault, is that I live paycheck to paycheck.  Granted, I realize that is not his fault.  But that is the fact of the matter and that is something that I am going to have to deal with this weakened.  I also realize that it is not my problem to have to wait until Monday to cash my check when I am supposed to be paid every other Friday.  Additionally, I’m going to have to make some phone calls and see if some of the bills that I have due on Friday can wait until next week.  I don’t know what I’m going to do if they say no.

What I’m going to try not to do is jump to conclusions, which is something that I normally like to do.  I’m very good at that.  I’m not going to think about the fact that we could be about to lose the company even though I really don’t think that is the case.  I’m also not going to think about the possibility of them getting rid of my job so that they can save some money.  I’m not going there right now.

This does, however, make me think more about the fact that I really do need to look for another job, and soon!  There are some other things that have happen that I want to talk about and write about but I will do that in a later post.  I will say this though: I feel like if I don’t get the fuck out of this area, and from away from these people, I’m going to lose my goddamn mind!

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Flat Tire – I Was Proud of Myself

So I woke up this morning at 7.  Good for me.  Then I went back to bed and didn’t actually get up until 9.  Why 9?  Because my boss called me on my cell phone.  I don’t think she knew I had just woke up…I played it cool with my voice, I think.  If she did know she didn’t say anything.  I do know she first called my office but she didn’t say anything.  I’m cutting it close, I know.

So then I was thinking, “well, if I quickly shower and get dressed and leave by 9:30 that will put me in the office by 10 and that should be about the time” – I was totally guessing – “she is getting to her office.  So if she calls me after that there will be no questions.”

Well, I didn’t iron clothes last night, either.  So that took even longer.  It was about 10 minutes before 10 when I finally left the house.

On Sunday I realized I needed to replace one of the tires on my car; mettle threads were showing and sticking out of the tire.  I realized there was a problem when my car started bouncing down the road more than it usually does.  I looked.  I saw.  I did not curse or use fowl language.  (I was really proud of myself.)

Monday I went to the guy I normally use so I could get a new tire.  He’s a really nice guy and I trust him.  That, in my opinion, is huge.  I always feel…at a disadvantage, for the lack of a better word…when I need to have anything done to my car.  I know how to drive it but I don’t know how to fix it.  He wasn’t there.  Some other guy was there so I don’t know if he took over or is just taking some time off.  From the way the new guy sounded, he’s the new owner.  Hopefully he’s not because I don’t like him as much as the other guy.

He said he didn’t have the size I needed but should on Wednesday: that is today.

This morning my tire went flat.  I did not curse or say anything bad.  (I was very proud of myself.)

A flat tire on a Mercury Villager van.

A flat tire on a Mercury Villager van. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I saw him he asked me how many miles I drive everyday.  I told him about 70.  That’s a low number, but whatever.  He said it wouldn’t last that long.  I thought he might be right, but I’ve been told that by other tire people – not with this tire and not with tires that were this bad – and they were wrong.  I knew I needed to be careful because I knew it could go out at any time.

Turns out he was right.

There are not a lot of things I would say I’m good at but admitting with I’m legitimately wrong is one of them.  Beyond that, admitting when I have done something stupid.  I have done a lot of stupid things in life.  If I took the time to list all the stupid things I’ve done, and continue to do, I would be here all day.

So I was very proud of myself – not for the first time with something like this – when I did not get upset when my tire went flat.  I didn’t get upset and I acted like it was no big deal because with all things considered, it wasn’t.

It also probably helped that I have been taking my Prozac like I’m supposed to and I haven’t been in a rageful mood.

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A Blast from the Past – Part Nine – Quickie

Another old post, enjoy!

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This was originally posted on 1.27.10

Quickie

I haven’t written in a while but here’s a quick update.

I’m tried and want to sleep for a whole day.  That’s just what I feel like right now.

I have some work I need to do tonight but won’t.  It’s 12:17 in the morning and I just got home.  I need to get up early because I’ve got A LOT of work to do and REALLY, REALLY, REALLY NEED to get it done because I’m having visitor(s) tomorrow.  My boss is coming and we might have inspection this week.  I’ve been sick lately and haven’t had the energy to do it.  Not that that’s a total “true” excuse.

Had to take Ms. Kitty to the vet on Saturday and walked about with a good bill of health and $300 check heading to my bank that I knew would bounce.  But the good news, the bank paid it.

My new BlackBerry arrived today.

I’m done for now.  Hope my company goes well!

Oh, and other good news…this isn’t an “unannounced” visit from my boss which must be good, considering what he wrong in an email to all of us recently.  I’ll have to come back to that one and elaborate on it more.

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A Blast from the Past – Part Four – Randomness #2

Another old blog post.  This one I found on my computer when I was looking for the old ones but it isn’t listed on the old blog I’m closing.  I guess I meant to post this but never did…I don’t know what might have happened to it.  I thought it was good to post, though, since it does deal with depression and medication which is something that is an important and ongoing issue in my life…even today.  Hope you enjoy.

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This was supposed to have been originally posted on 12.22.09, but I don’t think it ever was.

Randomness #2

 My doctor has me on a drug called Paxeva.  I’ve only been to this doctor once because I wanted to start going to a Psychiatrist as opposed to just a general practitioner.  My thinking was that a doctor specializing in my problems would be better able to help me.

When I walked into his office – which had a beautiful view of the marsh, river, and marina! – I wasn’t so sure I like him.  I just didn’t think he had an inviting, friendly manner.  Then, to make it worse, they charged me over 3 times what they should have and my dumb ass didn’t protest much!  I was in a depressed mood and didn’t want to fight about it.  Even though, I called the insurance company before I went to see him to see what my copay would be.  I used to work for a PBM and know how much of a hassle dealing with insurance companies and policies can be: I didn’t want any surprises!

As soon as I returned to my car I called the insurance company and asked what my copay should be because, since I have worked in this type of company before I know what can happen, I wanted to make sure the person I originally spoke with didn’t make a mistake by giving me the wrong information.  No, the mistake wasn’t made by the insurance company…the person I had on the phone this time was nice enough to call the doctor’s office and tell them, in fact, they made the mistake because they should have only charged me $40 as opposed to $143 dollars…the full cost of the visit!

(I just checked my work email because I’m at home right now.  I’m working this afternoon because a good friend of mine is working this afternoon and I like hanging out with her.  I don’t have a “set” schedule so there’s nothing wrong with me occasionally working the afternoon shift as opposed to the morning: it’s a good chance for me to get to see what goes on during that shift and what customers say/think/ask/etc… and find out what we might be able to improve on, etc.  My boss, Mr. Calm, just emailed me because somebody from the Home Office just emailed EVERY-FUCKING-BODY about an important credit card issue I have to take care of which has a due date of the 25th.  I REALIZE THAT, BITCH so back off and let me fucking handle things!  GOD!)

So after I got off the phone with the insurance, I called the doctor’s office back so they could refund the money they over charged me to my bank card.  “I’m sorry” they said, “we have an old system and are unable to do refunds.”  WTF!?!

I work with credit card machines and you are always supposed to be able to refund money.  What if you accidently had typed in one too many 1’s and charged my debit card $1,143.00, and what if the bank accepted it?!?  Not only would I be way over drawn, but I also wouldn’t be able to get my money back?!?!?!  Would you have issued me a check and _paid all the overdraft fee’s!?!?  I was pissed!

So I canceled the appointment with the therapist he wanted me to see because it was a therapist in his office.  Now I don’t know if I want to go back to my old doctor I saw in town before I ever got promoted…when I had insurance with my last job, or if I want to go back to this ass.

One of the other things I didn’t like about him was that he didn’t want to write me a prescription for a generic drug.  I was taking the generic form of Prozac and it was working fine.  I didn’t have any side affects I could recognize so I was pretty happy with it.  The one side affect to Paxeva is that I’m not “in the mood” as often.  Which, isn’t as big of a deal since I’m single but I still like “getting in the mood” because I can take care of any “issues” myself (I know…a little TMI (too much info) but I did say this was going to be honest and unedited…and certain “issues” is a natural part of life!  If you don’t like it…don’t read my blog).  And to be honest, I feel like I’m getting old when I don’t regularly have “issues” to take care of.  I didn’t experience that side affect while I was taking Prozac.

The only other thing, I didn’t feel like I had any more energy with Prozac and I can’t yet tell if that’s a problem with Paxeva…because I’ve let a two month supply last me…about 4 or so months.  (Maybe even longer.)  I might be willing to try this medicine again, but only if he has another one of those discount card to give me.  On my insurance, this medicine is $60 a month.  The one good thing he did was give me a discount card that lasted the life of the prescription so it took $50 off the cost so I only have to pay $10 a month…that’s what I was paying for Prozac.  If he doesn’t have another card, I’m not going to take this medicine again.  He’s just going to have to give me a generic of something and up the dose – because he says the dose could be off +/- 30%.

(I just checked my email again and since the bitch sent the email to EVERYBODY say I STILL haven’t done anything with credit card issue, I replied back to EVERYBODY telling them I would be working on this TODAY.  Two of the people on that email chain have their email accounts sending an auto reply telling everyone who emails them that they are “out of the office” until after Christmas.  They are fairly high ranking people yet I can’t take any fucking time off during the holidays!  I think I’m getting pissy again.)

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More Work Bullshit

I have a whole category on this blog for work related content.  I haven’t written much about that.  Since I started this blog I haven’t had much workplace bullshit to deal with, but I do have quite a few stories I could tell.  I don’t know if I will ever use this blog to talk about some of that old stuff.  One reason is I just don’t like to think about it because it stresses me out and I don’t like being stressed out.  I certainly don’t like thinking about old history that stressed me out at the time so I can get stressed out all over again.  Stress will kill you.

I just found out I have more fucking stress to deal with at work.

I’m the boss of my department, but of course I have a boss, too.  One of the reasons she is there is so I can bounce things off of (her own words).  She is also there so I can ask questions so I don’t make a mistake.  I did that today and in doing so I think I opened up a whole new can or worms.  I want to scream and curse and run away now and throw up my hands and just say fuck it!

Let me say this first: I am passive-aggressive.  As much as I may not want that to be true, it is.

Tomorrow my boss will be paying me a visit.  She knows when I clean out my office, I’m missed and thinking about quitting.  I’ve done it before.  This is not the first time I’ve done this; I used to do it when I worked for my last company (which was the first company that I ever had an office to clean out).

While I was discussing this issue on the phone with her today, after she told me about where she’s standing, I let her know her thinking is a mistake and I was pissed about it.  If I stand idly by and allow her to get her way on this, which I will have no other choice but to do if I can’t talk her out of it, it will be, by far, the biggest, most egregious mistake I have ever made in my career.  I feel so strongly about this that, if I had the money to life for a while without a job, I would quit over this one issue if she makes the decision I’m thinking she might make…the decision she’s leaning toward.  Since I can’t afford to quit over this, it would certainly make me thinking about finding another job.

I won’t go into detail on what exactly happen to cause all this, but two people were involved, as far as my boss is concerned.  In my opinion, only one employee was actually in the wrong.  I was going to write up the employee who I thought was in the wrong and I sent the paperwork to my boss for review to make sure I could legally enact the particular punishment I was calling for.  My boss says, because our reputation was somewhat involved, this is grounds for termination but she did not feel you could terminate one without terminating both.

It is true that I think this particular employee, the one who actually did the wrong, needs to be fired.  I don’t, however, feel we should sacrifice one person, who happens to be one of the best employees, for the greater good.

We have been going through a bit of a reputation crisis lately, which I am trying to fix.  That, I think, is the biggest reason my boss is so upset about this particular incident because it did nothing to help that matter.  Boss feels like had Good Employee not allowed this particular incident to happen Bad Employee would haven’t have been able to do what she did.  My point is I am the only enforcing entity here so it was not Good Employee’s problem to stop this particular incident.  I just didn’t know about it at the time so I couldn’t have stopped it.

We will see how this all turns out.

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