Flat Tire – I Was Proud of Myself

So I woke up this morning at 7.  Good for me.  Then I went back to bed and didn’t actually get up until 9.  Why 9?  Because my boss called me on my cell phone.  I don’t think she knew I had just woke up…I played it cool with my voice, I think.  If she did know she didn’t say anything.  I do know she first called my office but she didn’t say anything.  I’m cutting it close, I know.

So then I was thinking, “well, if I quickly shower and get dressed and leave by 9:30 that will put me in the office by 10 and that should be about the time” – I was totally guessing – “she is getting to her office.  So if she calls me after that there will be no questions.”

Well, I didn’t iron clothes last night, either.  So that took even longer.  It was about 10 minutes before 10 when I finally left the house.

On Sunday I realized I needed to replace one of the tires on my car; mettle threads were showing and sticking out of the tire.  I realized there was a problem when my car started bouncing down the road more than it usually does.  I looked.  I saw.  I did not curse or use fowl language.  (I was really proud of myself.)

Monday I went to the guy I normally use so I could get a new tire.  He’s a really nice guy and I trust him.  That, in my opinion, is huge.  I always feel…at a disadvantage, for the lack of a better word…when I need to have anything done to my car.  I know how to drive it but I don’t know how to fix it.  He wasn’t there.  Some other guy was there so I don’t know if he took over or is just taking some time off.  From the way the new guy sounded, he’s the new owner.  Hopefully he’s not because I don’t like him as much as the other guy.

He said he didn’t have the size I needed but should on Wednesday: that is today.

This morning my tire went flat.  I did not curse or say anything bad.  (I was very proud of myself.)

A flat tire on a Mercury Villager van.

A flat tire on a Mercury Villager van. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I saw him he asked me how many miles I drive everyday.  I told him about 70.  That’s a low number, but whatever.  He said it wouldn’t last that long.  I thought he might be right, but I’ve been told that by other tire people – not with this tire and not with tires that were this bad – and they were wrong.  I knew I needed to be careful because I knew it could go out at any time.

Turns out he was right.

There are not a lot of things I would say I’m good at but admitting with I’m legitimately wrong is one of them.  Beyond that, admitting when I have done something stupid.  I have done a lot of stupid things in life.  If I took the time to list all the stupid things I’ve done, and continue to do, I would be here all day.

So I was very proud of myself – not for the first time with something like this – when I did not get upset when my tire went flat.  I didn’t get upset and I acted like it was no big deal because with all things considered, it wasn’t.

It also probably helped that I have been taking my Prozac like I’m supposed to and I haven’t been in a rageful mood.

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The Never-ending Day

Tuesday, June 11, 2013 – 3:13PM

I’m not having a bad day or anything, I just want it to be over with.  I want to be able to go home.  And by go home I really mean

Interior of the 1938 Diner in Wellsboro, Tioga...

Interior of the 1938 Diner in Wellsboro, Tioga County, Pennsylvania, United States (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

just go to the coffee shop and relax and maybe do some writing.  Or play on the internet…I do that a lot, too.  This just seems like one of those days that is crawling by and will never end.  And the funny thing is I got a pretty good amount of sleep last night.  I shouldn’t be tired.  And I’m not really, I’m just in one of those moods where I want to go home.  I don’t want to be “on” and I don’t want to be around people I have to be remotely cheery around.

I got the idea for a new story and I would also like to start work on that, at least the outline.  I think it will be good but there will be some research I first need to know.  I don’t know how long it will be, but it won’t bet past the first sentence if I don’t at least start it!

I had to run an errand for work this morning and stopped to get lunch while I was gone.  It was actually around noon so it was time for lunch.  I had been wanting breakfast food since I went to bed last night but didn’t get up early enough this morning to go before work.  I stopped at this diner that I have only been to once before.  It’s on a side of town that I don’t usually go to.

While I was there it wasn’t very busy but I was wishing I had my computer with me.  It was probably only one step down from what I would consider a true diner.  The reason I say one step down is because it is a chain, but it really felt like a diner.  Diners kind of interest me.

I never think of anything really great when I think of a diner.  I always think of something kind of dirty and kind of poor.  Where the lower classes of society go.  I know I’m wrong for a variety of reasons when I say that but it’s still what always comes to mind.  I would like to do some writing in that diner because I think I could hit on something good.  I know, I’m strange.

I’m going to go so I can get back to work and hopefully get this day over with.  Only a few more hours to go.  I can’t wait to go home.

And, I hope the tire on my car lasts to get me home and then back to work!  It’s looking quite “ratchet.”

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Nervous & Straight – Part 1

Monday, June 10, 2013

So when I get nervous one of the things that happens to me is I get tired.  If all of a sudden I’m tired and yawning, it could be a sign

Get Nervous

Get Nervous (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m nervous.  I don’t know what the deal is.  Most people have the fight or flight mechanism kick in when they’re upset, or nervous – when they since fear, or something to be fearful of, is present.  Not me, I just want to roll over and play dead.  I want to crawl into bed – or a corner – and pull the covers over my eyes and pretend you can’t see me and the problem isn’t here.

I think I’m about to go visit my fuck buddy.  I’ve turned him away several times and when he texted me earlier today asking if I wanted to get together I said “maybe.”  Then he texted back a frowning face and asked me if I was getting tired of him.  I said “no.”  What I would have liked to say is, “No, but it would be nice if you would fucking kiss me!”

We’ve had this conversation before.  In fact, the last time we talked about this it was…maybe about a month…before we hooked up again.  Something about kissing is just the line drawn in the sand for “straight men.”  Oh, did I forget that part?  Yeah, this guy is “straight.”  If he were bi I wouldn’t put bi in parentheses, “straight,” however, deserves some added scrutiny.

So it’s been a couple of hours since I started this post.  I was taking a quick coffee break from work.  Now it’s after work and I texted him to see if he was still free and wanted to get together.  He said no, he was “spent.”

I asked him if he had found someone else.  He had, it some girl.  We might hook up later tonight but he doesn’t know yet.  I told him we should.

Before I end this for now, I want to finish my point about getting nervous.

I’m not sure why I do it.  When we are about to get together – and we have several times – I get nervous.  And most of the time I also get sleepy.  The part I don’t understand is the getting sleepy part.  I mean I also don’t understand why I get nervous when I’m about to see him.  And it’s not just him, it’s other guys I’m about to hook up with regardless of if this is our first time or now.

And I get sleepy when I get nervous about other things, too.  I don’t get it.  Does that happen to any of you?

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So there’s more to this story.  Would you be opposed to hearing sexual details?  Would you be opposed to hearing more about my sex life?  Leave a comment and let me know.

I think I could turn this into a little series and talk about this guy, and a few others.  Or even a few other experiences.  Tell me what you think about that!  I’d love to hear what you have to say.  You can comment or email me at lifeonmygayisland at gmail dot com.

So for now, comment and like and there will be more to come in this story.

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June 5, 2013 – So Far, So Good

Well I think I’m pissing some people off, but that’s okay.  They really haven’t seen anything yet.  It will be a little extra work for me, but that’s okay.

I didn’t get up at 6:30 like I had planned, but I did get to work by 9:30 which really, for me lately, isn’t that bad.  I was able to get things started like I wanted.  There is still a lot of work left to do today but we will just have to deal with a long day.  I, too, will have to deal with a long day.

It’s break time again.  And yes, I did upset a few people and more are to come.

So here’s the thing.  There is one guy who is really upset about some of the new rules and so far they don’t even affect him.  The funny thing is, while I don’t know he has stolen something from me, if I had to guess I would say he has.  And, on top of that, I know he would!

But the big thing with him is that he is friends with the other people…some of which I “know” has been taking things.  While I can’t prove it, I know I’m right.  I would love to be able to catch her.  In fact, there were some things that were left unattended last night when I left work and this morning they were not there.  I’m guessing she took them.  Somebody did and this one person in particular is about the phone one who was there.

One of the things I did figure out between yesterday and today is that I really do need to change my hiring practices.  But the area I am in is really difficult to hire good people – especially for what we pay.  While we don’t pay the absolute minimum, we don’t pay that much above it, either.  But there has got to be something I could do and I think some heads are really going to roll.  I don’t know if this will work but we will just have to sit back and see.

And this might not change anything.  And, some of the things I think people are taking are things I can’t really keep under lock and key.  That truly is the frustrating part.  Actually, that is one of two frustrating parts.  The other is that everyone involved, and who I think “might” be involved are friends.

Some of the new hiring practices are not that “far,” and by fair I mean “legal.”  I don’t want to go there but I really think I might need to.

I think I’ve rambled enough and had a long enough break.  I need to get back and take care of some of the other things I need to get done.  I have a lot of notes I need to make tonight and a lot of sorting through paper in my office that I need to do.  I still have a lot of paperwork…and cleaning…that needs to get done.

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June 4, 2013 – The Start of Something New?

So here’s the thing…I manage people.  That’s my big confession for today.

I know, right?  Can you fucking imagine?  A crazy person who doesn’t like people not only having to deal with people but having to actually manage them, too.

A the moment I’m taking a little break from work – at 8:07P-fucking-M – because I’m catching up on a lot of stuff I need to do…have been wanting to get done for a while.  I’m also doing a lot of work in one particular department because I think they’ve been fucking things up left, right, and center and I’ve got to get a handle on that.  Overall I think they’re doing well but there’s about to be a lot of changes all over the place.

I do have a lot left to do and there’s some important paperwork that I need to create and implement in order for part of the problems I’m trying to fix to remain solved.  It will take a little initial work on my part but I think after that we’ll be okay.  I just hope I get up in time in the morning and still feel like doing crap when I get back tonight.  I was hoping I could go to bed around 9 but clearly that will not happen.  Plus I’m hungry…I need to eat.  I’ll be doing really good to get into bed at 11:30 but at the moment that’s my goal.

There are a few things at work that I would like to get better at.  Lately I’ve been thinking about what I want to do next and if I do stay in this line of work, which I think will be the only way I can continue making the money I’m making…which isn’t much.  The only thing is, if I start doing something else I don’t know that I’ll be able to make as much and this is what I need – at least – to live.  And I don’t live a “nice” life….  Oh well.

Confused People

So clearly some people are confused.  Clearly they don’t know me very well.

With a few people – the person I’m talking about in this blog is one of them – I’m very open about having depression and taking medication for it.  When I’m not taking my pills things that get ugly.  And even when I am taking my pills things aren’t always pretty.  Sometimes I just have a bad day.  Sometimes I just don’t feel like being around people.  I don’t really want to be bothered and I’m not going to be all happy and cherry.  I’m not a ray of fucking sunshine…and certainly not all the time!

I thought this particular person knew that, but I guess she didn’t.

We have been thinking about starting a writing project together.  We’ve been talking about it for…about a week now.  That isn’t a long time but for whatever reason things seemed to be going really well and everything was looking like we were going to get our first piece finished today.  That was on…Wednesday.  Thursday, yesterday, things clearly took a turn for the worst.

I’ve been doing pretty well all week with taking my medicine like I’m supposed to.  I started last Friday – a week from today – because that is the day I thought I was going to fucking snap!  I really wanted to lose my fucking mind.  I think that was the day after I went out of town to pick up my new computer – which I haven’t even written about…I don’t think.  I think I started those posts but haven’t finished them.

Anyway, so, all week I’ve been in a pretty good mood.  Well for a day or two I did forget to take my medicine.  I don’t know if it was a coincidence or what but on Thursday – the day we were going to take of from the writing project – I was in a crappy mood.  I guess I was too “negative” and pissed her off.

Now we haven’t known each other for a long time, only a couple of months, but we’ve been hanging out a lot!  And she has seen my mood swings so I think she should know what I’m like.  Maybe I was wrong.

She basically said my negativity is not going to be good for the project.  I’m sorry.

If you think I’m going to go every day of my life without being in a bad mood then you are wrong!  Severely wrong!  I wish I could but that’s just not how my mind was made, chemically.  It isn’t how I function.

I have a very high-stress job and I just have bad days.  It is what it is and if that is what is stopping us from working together, or stopping you from wanting to work for me, then go for it.  I can’t do anything about that.  Even if I take my medicine every fucking day I’m still going to have days when I feel moody and depressed.  That’s just how I am and anybody who can’t deal with that has to get over it or just not be friends with me.

I’m curious to see if we remain as close of friends as we have been.  Only time will tell but I’m really curious.

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A Day for a New Adventure

Today, I think I shall try something new.  I think, today, I shall drive to the city an hour and half north of me.

I go there often, to a particular area, but today I think I will do a little exploring.

There’s a section of town that is quite artsy.  It’s knows for being a place of hipsters, people who are trendy, the upper echelon, the place for people who are creative.

And since I want to be one of those people I think I will go join them.

I also don’t want to sleep all day – even though I could totally go home right now, crawl into bed, and sleep half the day.  I didn’t get much sleep last night and woke up this morning, on a fucking SATURDAY, at 6:23 and got out of bed.  I don’t remember what time I went to bed last night.  Originally I was planning to take a “nap” and get up around 2 this morning to piddle around and then go back to bed.

I’m not sure why I fight sleep so much.  I mean I certainly don’t in the morning when I need to get out of bed.  I hate getting up of a morning, always have.

And I’m afraid my mind won’t work today after I get down there.  Driving in the car, especially lately, has made me tired a lot.  Really I don’t know what hasn’t made me tired.  I’m always tired.  I always want to crawl into bed and stay there.

But I digress.

It’s a rainy day but I don’t want to stay at home all day.  I don’t want to call my friend who I think I need to get rid of, and I don’t want to call my other friend because she’s usually busy.  I kind of just want to go off into the day and see where it takes me.  See where I land.

I want to go off and discover today, a new area of town, and just be.  I want to be not alone, but free.  I want to freely explore.

I’m single.  I’m alone.  And I don’t want to have to rely on other people for my happiness or entertainment.  I don’t need other people to do things with.  We should be able to travel and explore alone.

And, if I were being honest, I would tell you that I hope, alone the journey, I will find someone.  I will find my husband.

He’s not going to come to me sitting in my office at work – which is where I spend a lot of my time if I have noting to do on the weekends – nor will he find me if I’m sitting at home alone.

So off to explore I will go, confidently.

I went online and found two coffee houses I and I plan to at least check out one.  I’m going to check out the one in the hip part of town because there’s also a store that I haven’t been to in a very long time that is earthy and has a lot of neat, interesting stuff.

Those are my plans.  That and I hope to do a little more writing in the coffee house.  I want to sit and watch people, too.  Today should be a fun day.  And I’ll try driving carefully since it’s raining.

Thanks for reading.  Comment and subscribe, please.  🙂