June 5, 2013 – So Far, So Good

Well I think I’m pissing some people off, but that’s okay.  They really haven’t seen anything yet.  It will be a little extra work for me, but that’s okay.

I didn’t get up at 6:30 like I had planned, but I did get to work by 9:30 which really, for me lately, isn’t that bad.  I was able to get things started like I wanted.  There is still a lot of work left to do today but we will just have to deal with a long day.  I, too, will have to deal with a long day.

It’s break time again.  And yes, I did upset a few people and more are to come.

So here’s the thing.  There is one guy who is really upset about some of the new rules and so far they don’t even affect him.  The funny thing is, while I don’t know he has stolen something from me, if I had to guess I would say he has.  And, on top of that, I know he would!

But the big thing with him is that he is friends with the other people…some of which I “know” has been taking things.  While I can’t prove it, I know I’m right.  I would love to be able to catch her.  In fact, there were some things that were left unattended last night when I left work and this morning they were not there.  I’m guessing she took them.  Somebody did and this one person in particular is about the phone one who was there.

One of the things I did figure out between yesterday and today is that I really do need to change my hiring practices.  But the area I am in is really difficult to hire good people – especially for what we pay.  While we don’t pay the absolute minimum, we don’t pay that much above it, either.  But there has got to be something I could do and I think some heads are really going to roll.  I don’t know if this will work but we will just have to sit back and see.

And this might not change anything.  And, some of the things I think people are taking are things I can’t really keep under lock and key.  That truly is the frustrating part.  Actually, that is one of two frustrating parts.  The other is that everyone involved, and who I think “might” be involved are friends.

Some of the new hiring practices are not that “far,” and by fair I mean “legal.”  I don’t want to go there but I really think I might need to.

I think I’ve rambled enough and had a long enough break.  I need to get back and take care of some of the other things I need to get done.  I have a lot of notes I need to make tonight and a lot of sorting through paper in my office that I need to do.  I still have a lot of paperwork…and cleaning…that needs to get done.

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June 4, 2013 – The Start of Something New?

So here’s the thing…I manage people.  That’s my big confession for today.

I know, right?  Can you fucking imagine?  A crazy person who doesn’t like people not only having to deal with people but having to actually manage them, too.

A the moment I’m taking a little break from work – at 8:07P-fucking-M – because I’m catching up on a lot of stuff I need to do…have been wanting to get done for a while.  I’m also doing a lot of work in one particular department because I think they’ve been fucking things up left, right, and center and I’ve got to get a handle on that.  Overall I think they’re doing well but there’s about to be a lot of changes all over the place.

I do have a lot left to do and there’s some important paperwork that I need to create and implement in order for part of the problems I’m trying to fix to remain solved.  It will take a little initial work on my part but I think after that we’ll be okay.  I just hope I get up in time in the morning and still feel like doing crap when I get back tonight.  I was hoping I could go to bed around 9 but clearly that will not happen.  Plus I’m hungry…I need to eat.  I’ll be doing really good to get into bed at 11:30 but at the moment that’s my goal.

There are a few things at work that I would like to get better at.  Lately I’ve been thinking about what I want to do next and if I do stay in this line of work, which I think will be the only way I can continue making the money I’m making…which isn’t much.  The only thing is, if I start doing something else I don’t know that I’ll be able to make as much and this is what I need – at least – to live.  And I don’t live a “nice” life….  Oh well.

Confused People

So clearly some people are confused.  Clearly they don’t know me very well.

With a few people – the person I’m talking about in this blog is one of them – I’m very open about having depression and taking medication for it.  When I’m not taking my pills things that get ugly.  And even when I am taking my pills things aren’t always pretty.  Sometimes I just have a bad day.  Sometimes I just don’t feel like being around people.  I don’t really want to be bothered and I’m not going to be all happy and cherry.  I’m not a ray of fucking sunshine…and certainly not all the time!

I thought this particular person knew that, but I guess she didn’t.

We have been thinking about starting a writing project together.  We’ve been talking about it for…about a week now.  That isn’t a long time but for whatever reason things seemed to be going really well and everything was looking like we were going to get our first piece finished today.  That was on…Wednesday.  Thursday, yesterday, things clearly took a turn for the worst.

I’ve been doing pretty well all week with taking my medicine like I’m supposed to.  I started last Friday – a week from today – because that is the day I thought I was going to fucking snap!  I really wanted to lose my fucking mind.  I think that was the day after I went out of town to pick up my new computer – which I haven’t even written about…I don’t think.  I think I started those posts but haven’t finished them.

Anyway, so, all week I’ve been in a pretty good mood.  Well for a day or two I did forget to take my medicine.  I don’t know if it was a coincidence or what but on Thursday – the day we were going to take of from the writing project – I was in a crappy mood.  I guess I was too “negative” and pissed her off.

Now we haven’t known each other for a long time, only a couple of months, but we’ve been hanging out a lot!  And she has seen my mood swings so I think she should know what I’m like.  Maybe I was wrong.

She basically said my negativity is not going to be good for the project.  I’m sorry.

If you think I’m going to go every day of my life without being in a bad mood then you are wrong!  Severely wrong!  I wish I could but that’s just not how my mind was made, chemically.  It isn’t how I function.

I have a very high-stress job and I just have bad days.  It is what it is and if that is what is stopping us from working together, or stopping you from wanting to work for me, then go for it.  I can’t do anything about that.  Even if I take my medicine every fucking day I’m still going to have days when I feel moody and depressed.  That’s just how I am and anybody who can’t deal with that has to get over it or just not be friends with me.

I’m curious to see if we remain as close of friends as we have been.  Only time will tell but I’m really curious.

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A Day for a New Adventure

Today, I think I shall try something new.  I think, today, I shall drive to the city an hour and half north of me.

I go there often, to a particular area, but today I think I will do a little exploring.

There’s a section of town that is quite artsy.  It’s knows for being a place of hipsters, people who are trendy, the upper echelon, the place for people who are creative.

And since I want to be one of those people I think I will go join them.

I also don’t want to sleep all day – even though I could totally go home right now, crawl into bed, and sleep half the day.  I didn’t get much sleep last night and woke up this morning, on a fucking SATURDAY, at 6:23 and got out of bed.  I don’t remember what time I went to bed last night.  Originally I was planning to take a “nap” and get up around 2 this morning to piddle around and then go back to bed.

I’m not sure why I fight sleep so much.  I mean I certainly don’t in the morning when I need to get out of bed.  I hate getting up of a morning, always have.

And I’m afraid my mind won’t work today after I get down there.  Driving in the car, especially lately, has made me tired a lot.  Really I don’t know what hasn’t made me tired.  I’m always tired.  I always want to crawl into bed and stay there.

But I digress.

It’s a rainy day but I don’t want to stay at home all day.  I don’t want to call my friend who I think I need to get rid of, and I don’t want to call my other friend because she’s usually busy.  I kind of just want to go off into the day and see where it takes me.  See where I land.

I want to go off and discover today, a new area of town, and just be.  I want to be not alone, but free.  I want to freely explore.

I’m single.  I’m alone.  And I don’t want to have to rely on other people for my happiness or entertainment.  I don’t need other people to do things with.  We should be able to travel and explore alone.

And, if I were being honest, I would tell you that I hope, alone the journey, I will find someone.  I will find my husband.

He’s not going to come to me sitting in my office at work – which is where I spend a lot of my time if I have noting to do on the weekends – nor will he find me if I’m sitting at home alone.

So off to explore I will go, confidently.

I went online and found two coffee houses I and I plan to at least check out one.  I’m going to check out the one in the hip part of town because there’s also a store that I haven’t been to in a very long time that is earthy and has a lot of neat, interesting stuff.

Those are my plans.  That and I hope to do a little more writing in the coffee house.  I want to sit and watch people, too.  Today should be a fun day.  And I’ll try driving carefully since it’s raining.

Thanks for reading.  Comment and subscribe, please.  🙂

Prozac Time

I initially started writing this on Friday.  It is now Saturday.  I’m still going to post this but I will first finish it with the now necessary updates.  I think it is very telling.

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Friday

I didn’t take my Prozac this morning, and I didn’t take it yesterday…and I can’t recall if I took it the day before that or not.

Fluoxetine HCl 20mg Capsules (Prozac)

Fluoxetine HCl 20mg Capsules (Prozac) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What I do know, however, is that I’m said right now.

I’m not sure if it is because I don’t have anything to do tonight…or anyone to do it with.  Or if I am just really feeling down because of the chemical imbalance in my brain, or what.  I don’t know.  I just know this moment isn’t a great moment.  It hasn’t been all afternoon.  I’m not sure if it started before or after he told me he had plans and wouldn’t be able to do anything.  I was hoping we could get together.  I was hoping I could see him.  I was hoping I would finally get to kiss him.

What I do know, is that I wish I had taken the pills earlier.  I did finally take them around 6 or 7 tonight when I was leaving work.  I just wish I had taken them earlier.

I wish I wouldn’t wait to take them.  I wish I would take them every day like I’m supposed to.

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Sunday

Later that night, around 12:30 on Saturday morning but really to me it was still Friday night, he called me.  Or texted me.

He told me he was leaving the party and wanted to know where I was and if I wanted to get together.  I told him where I was and that he could come over…I’d love to get together.  Instantly I was no longer in a downer of a mood.

He came over and wanted me to get in the car; I did.

We went driving and he had two 40s in his car.  Well, now I had never:

1. Drank a 40.

2. Gone drinking in riding.

3. Never been in the car while they were drinking and driving.

But I thought there’s always a first for everything so I soon loosened up and went along with the ride.  He said I had to drink the 40 before we went back to my place.

Actually, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds.  He said if I was uncomfortable – because I’m sure he could tell I was less than ecstatic about the plans – we could go back.  It was actually kind of fun.  Not what I would think to do, but it was okay.  He even let me know this was a “date.”  More on that will come in a different post.

We ended up spending the night together.  But the point of this was that I guess sometimes I’m sad because I have nothing better to do.

Well, let me rephrase that: maybe I’m sometimes sad because I really am “lonely.”

I do live a solitary life.  That is something that bothers me.

So that is all for now.  I have  a lot more writing I hope to get done today because I want to catch you up and tell you the story of J – the guy I have been seeing/talking to.

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Dating

So I’ve gone on a date!

I meet this guy online, on a website that is mainly used for hooking up.  Actually, when the site first came out that IS all it was used for.  Now they have a “networking” option…you can put on your profile that you are looking to “network” which I think is total bullshit because who…and mean…what the fuck!

Anyway.

I saw him and even looked at his profile but thought I wouldn’t have a snowballs chance in hell with him so I didn’t send him a message.  And day later, I think, I got a funny little message from him that was a joke on what I had written in my profile.  I thought, good!

Damn there’s a crying fucking baby in the cafe right now that really needs to be taken out!

Back to my story….

So we talked online for a few hours over a few days and then we even talked on the phone for 4 hours one night.

The next day we meet at a cafe for coffee and stayed there talking for like 3 hours.  Then he said he was going home because he was tired but I found out later he went to his friends house.  I though…?… but I didn’t say anything.  Then I didn’t really think about it anymore.

We talked for about an hour that night, I think, then yesterday we meet for drinks.  We hung out for about 5 hours.  We haven’t had sex yet, which I’m fine with, but that might be the problem.

I really don’t know what he’s thinking but I think I could really like him.  He seems okay.  There are a couple issues I don’t like but I think the problem we might have is that he’s a bottom, too!  So am I!

I never, in a million fucking years, would have guessed that he was a bottom.  I thought he was a top.  I mean, I know this is stereotyping, but let’s look at a few facts, shall we!

1.  He used to be MARRIED!  And NOT to a man…to a WOMAN!

They got married because, according to his story, after only having sex three times they got pregnant.  That sucks.  So they were married for a little while – I don’t know how long – but divorced after they lost the child about…3 weeks after it was born, I think he said.

I asked him what his life would have been like now had the baby not died.  He said nothing would be different except half his check would be going to her to help support the baby.  I was wondering if he would still be married because he sounded like the sex wasn’t a huge problem but they also didn’t have much of it.  I don’t know.  I wouldn’t mind pressing a little more into that subject because I do find it a bit interesting.

I mean, I can’t relate to that…and I told him as much.  But I can’t relate to that becuase while he might be somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale, I’m a firm fucking 6!  I’m gay.  I mean GAY gay!  And I like that.

And, on a quick side-note  he wanted to see how I would act if I got drunk and last night he succeeded in finding out.  I asked him what he thought but I never got a good answer.  I was wondering if I should text him today or leave him alone but just now, as I’m writing this, I think I will text him to see if I can get a better answer out of him.  And I’m curious if he wants to talk today.

I mean, this is a problem I have with dating: I don’t know what the fuck to do!?!  My new friend from the cafe is out of town this week so I can’t even ask her.  I certainly can’t ask my Old Friend…that’s her name, by the way, Old Friend.  I’ll be writing about her later but haven’t gotten around to it yet.  Maybe later tonight.

P.S.: I texted him and he texted back and said “Haha.  He was okay.  It was fun.”  I retexted him and said “”Okay.”  Bite Me.”

What?!?  I’m just “okay!?!?”  Fuck you.  Anyway.

I really don’t know where this is going.  I wouldn’t mind being friends with him at the least, but then again I don’t know if I have the energy to do that right now.  I mean, I do really need someone to date.  I need a relationship.  I think I might be entering desperate territory and that’s not a good thing.  I really know that’s not a good thing!  I don’t want to be that person and I don’t want to settle for someone but then I was thinking, “I’m not really the person whom anyone good would want to date.”  That is something I need to think about and write about later.

I need to go now.  I need to go back to work.  I just wanted to make a quick post and tell you what I was doing right now.  What happen.  I’ll talk more about the trip I was going to take, later.

P.P.S.: He texted back saying “Boo.  You read in to that negatively. :-p”

We will just have to ride the ride and see where this goes.

 

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Lonely

I sit and watch you.
I watch you participate in life.  I watch you have life.
I watch you go along on the rolling tide of life.
Living, laughing, enjoying, being.
You are being
human.
 
I see you loving.
Loving the one you’re with.
Laughing and joking,
flirting.
Being in love.
Enjoying what life has to offer.
Enjoying the comfort of companionship.
Enjoying what life is about.
 
I watch you love.
I watch you live.
 
I sit here and watch.
Alone.
Alone and lonely.
Lonely.
 

Why? It Just Knows!

I was just online doing some research for work and it just so happens for some reason I decided to take a little sidetrack and went to meetup.com.  When I arrived, it just happened to show groups in the city that I want to move to and the city that I was recently called to see if I would like to take a job there.

How did it know to do this?  Why was that the screen it showed?  I’m sure that’s not the screen it first shows to everyone who pulls up that website.  And I didn’t find the site through a web search.  I just pulled up www.meetup.com and that’s what popped up.

Why?

Now I know, it probably has something to do with Google and the fact that I use Chrome.  But still, that’s beside the point.

The point is, now I really want to fucking move there!

I don’t know if I have written about any of this…I’m too tired and lazy to look right now.  But I’m actually waiting on a call that will tell me if I will or won’t get a particular job I have interviewed for.  It is the next town over, about the same distance I’m currently driving…just in the opposite direction.  I would move there.  I can’t fucking wait and it is driving me nuts to have to wait to get the call.

Why Do I Do This?!?!

STEIN, GERMANY - JULY 05:  Count Alexander von...

STEIN, GERMANY – JULY 05: Count Alexander von Faber-Castell, sixth-generation company principal worked in this office in Faber-Castell castle near the Faber-Castell factory on July 5, 2011 in Stein near Nuremberg, Germany. Faber-Castell is among Germany’s leading manufacturer of pencils, pens, art supplies, office supplies and high-end writing instruments, and was founded in Stein in 1761 by Kaspar Faber. Through a marriage in 1900 to the noble Castell family the company took its present name and is currently lead by Count Anton von Faber-Castell. The company still has two production plants in Germany but has its biggest manufacturing centers overseas, including in South America, Indonesia and China. The company will mark its 250th anniversary on July 8. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)

I really don’t know I do this but I do it all the time.

I’m leaving town tomorrow (actually today since it is currently Sunday fucking morning, 3:29 AM) for a business trip.  I have about a 5 hour drive.  I was hoping to leave around noon, at the latest, so I could get there in plenty of time to relax and get a good nights sleep.  I also wanted to see if I could, maybe, get into a little trouble by finding some hot out-of-town guy to hook-up with.  I also want plenty of time to drive from the hotel to the office building where my meeting is so I can make sure my GPS will not take me to the wrong place.

AND, right now I still have to finish laundry, pack, need to go by my office and clean up my office in case my bosses decided to come by while I’m off for 2 days.  AND I still have a lot of work that I need to do to prepare for the presentation I will be giving!  That is probably the most important part!

I had this big grand plan of a presentation I wanted to put together which I thought would really blow everyone away.  I had plenty of time to do it because I have known about this meeting for over a week.  And guess what…I haven’t done a fucking thing!  And I can’t exactly do it in the hotel room the night before because I won’t have my printer and some other office supplies I’ll need to put everything together.  So, that means I really need to get up early and go by my office in the morning and put it together!

We’ll see what actually gets done because so far it’s not looking very good!

I really think this whole thing has to do with the mental illness problems floating around in my head.

Ooah, and can I say just how much I’d like to have that office and that desk that I put in the top corner of this blog!

English: A Diagram of procrastination cycle. T...

English: A Diagram of procrastination cycle. Task features, internal factors, irrational beliefs, behavior and consequences are shown. used for a university assessment. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Fuck me…fuck me now…my sister is coming to town.

You know how you have some people in your lives who are just a little more difficult to handle and deal with than others?  And some of those people just require more energy to deal with than you sometimes have.  Well, that’s how I feel about my sister.  And right now I just don’t feel like I have the energy to deal with her…or her teenage daughter she is brining.

I’ve known for almost a month, at least 3 weeks, that she was coming to town.  She’s not saying with us, she is only staying overnight at a hotel and will spend the morning with us.  This visit will make the second time we have seen her in 10 years.  She lives across the country, has been living there for the last 5ish years, I think.  We haven’t made an effort to go see her, either, because neither one of us can afford to fly out there.  I’m not sure how often she has been back to see her son, who lives about 5 hours from us.

But there is some…history…between her, me, and my father.  This is the main reason I haven’t dealt with her.  Not to mention she’s a big Mormon and I’m sure can’t be in love with the whole gay thing.  For the past few days all I have been able to think about is the fact that she’s coming and I don’t know how this is going to go.  I’m hoping it doesn’t set off World War 3, but I’m also not going to keep my mouth shut if she does say something stupid.

She will be getting to town tonight and I don’t know if I will see her tonight or in the morning.  I should find out shortly.

I’ve been thinking about going to her Facebook page an see if she has said anything stupid about gays.  If she has, that will really make me pissed going into this whole visit.  If she hasn’t, well, so she hasn’t put anything on Facebook about it.  I’m still sure she feels the same.  She’s a “Christian” and she hates gays.  End of story.

I don’t “need” her in my life.  I’ll write more about this later.

Now let’s talk about the daughter: she is just like her mother and will not shut up.  Granted, I haven’t seen her since she was…crawling on the fucking floor.  (Which, I’ll just quickly add, my cat at the time did not like her.)