I wear my sunglasses and ear buds like a protective security blanket.
I don’t like large groups of people. And even though I listen to loud music, and sometimes really like it, I don’t like being in large crowds of people when it’s noisy. One of the ways I deal with this is my sunglasses and ear buds. Every time I go somewhere like Walmart I always have my ears stuffed with ear buds and, if it’s daytime, my sunglasses on. Some people think that’s strange. They don’t know it’s for security and so I can deal with people.
I look at these necessities like a baby’s security blanket. It’s my adult baby blanket…my security blanket.
I feel like, when I’m walking around with these things, like people can’t see me. I know that’s irrational because it’s not true, but it makes me feel better. I don’t know why I don’t want to “be seen,” but I do. I know this probably isn’t helping me find a boyfriend because it’s probably an indication I don’t want to be bothered or talked to. But it’s true. I don’t want people to notice me.
I think the reason I don’t want to be “seen” is because I’m ashamed of the way I look. And the truth is I really don’t look that bad! I’m actually a pretty decent looking guy, I think. And I do think that…I know that, but I still feel like I’m ugly and don’t look good. Maybe when I lose weight I’ll feel different.
I think that also may be why I kind of like small homes and small cars: a cozy safe feeling. I also really like my desk space kind of…hidden off, or out of the way. In classrooms and conferences I always like to sit in the back away from everyone. And when I move I would like to have my desk surrounded by large indoor plants and trees. A couple of nice big Corn Plants on each side.