Another old post, hope you enjoy.
This was originally posted on 12.24.12
Earlier this week I was thinking if I didn’t get fired this week, maybe I should call Mr. Calm, my boss, and have a “confessional conversation” with him and explain some of the mental issues I have been dealing with for the past several months (about 6 to 8 months…but really it has been more like a year). This is, after all, the reason for my lackluster performance. All this stress of “am I getting fired,” “will I get fired,” is just getting to me and it’s stopping me from doing the things I really need to do so I don’t get fired…if I haven’t done anything big enough, so far.
Then I was thinking, maybe I’m just being too hard on myself. He doesn’t know – and I hope he doesn’t find out – some of the “secrets and details” of some of the things I’ve done…or not done. (Keep in mind, none of the things I’ve done is illegal; they are just things I’ve done that are against company policy. Well…there might be one thing I’ve allowed that is against labor laws…but I didn’t ask, they just volunteered. I’ll go into that on a completely different blog because it deserves an entry of its own.)
Keep in mind, if I did have that conversation with him, I wouldn’t tell him all the details, and I can’t think of too many that are really that big with the exception of two…or three. (Again, another blog.)
The only other problem I would have is dealing with all the little things that keep popping up when someone does something wrong and makes a mistake. Although, I could correct a lot of this by working longer hours and working with people and training them better., then if I really had to, if people kept making the same mistakes over and over I could write them up and get rid of them. But I really wouldn’t want to do that because I don’t want to fire one of the people I might have to because I really like her.
So basically I’m now thinking I shouldn’t have that talk with him. I should only try that talk if…he comes down to ask my why he shouldn’t fire me.
I do wish I knew how much my unemployment check would be and how long it would take to start collecting. But I don’t even know if I would qualify because my company is notorious on doing everything possible to keep from having to pay benefits – big surprise. They would probably use the phrase “failure to follow company policy” which I’ve heard is the phrase to you so people can’t collect. And to be honest, it would aptly apply in my case. I have failed to follow company policy.
But the laws of Unemployment Benefits have a huge flaw when it comes to people with mental illness and depression. Sometimes, it’s not that people are lazy or they don’t care enough to do the right thing and follow company policy, but they can’t because of their mental issues that they can’t really get adequate help for! I’m sure there are some tests I could have that would help both me and the doctors and therapists help me better. Not only can I not afford to go to some of the people I need to, but I also can’t afford the tests that would probably help. And how would I get the time off work to do some of these longer tests. My bosses aren’t going to want to know that I need time off because I’m a mental case who needs lots and lots of help! They are going to want to get rid of me and find somebody who isn’t crazy!