More thoughts before bed

At first I was just going to write a couple of different posts but since it is 1:27 in the morning and I have to get up at 5 so I can get to work by 7 in the morning to prepare for a meeting I have decided I would just include everything in a very quick update.  There are some things I need to say.

First, the work issue:

I have decided that I feel strongly enough about this that if we have to get rid of Good Employee I will start looking for another job.  I will take this as a sign that it is time to move on.  There are some possible difficulties in this, but I will discuss all of those later.  Even though I would like to quit immediately on moral grounds, I can not afford to.  And I also cannot afford to make a rash decision about my employment.  But I will take this as a sign that, considering all the other legitimate problems I have with this company, it is time for me to start looking for something else.

I hate to have to do that because I have finally gotten to a position, mentally, where my job is concerned that I am happy and did not have any plans on moving on any time soon.  I finally got to a point where I was happy and planned on staying with this company for a very long time.  I hate to see that go, but I will if this decision does not work out the way I want it to and then it should, morally.

Second, my sister:

A few weeks ago I found on iTunes a podcast called The Mental Illness Happy Hour.  As I was coming home from work tonight, thinking about tomorrow’s visit with my sister, I was listening to an episode of the podcast and had quite the ah-ha moment.  I had an epiphany of why, exactly, I have been so angry at my sister and why I am still angry at her and afraid of her saying something about me being gay.  And the real epiphany is that the one particular thing she said a long time ago, which I was very angry about because I knew was not true, might actually be true.  I am still angry about that one thing and that is the reason I had in my mind that I would not give her any kind of break if she said something wrong to me.  I had made the decision that if she pissed me off I was going to let her have it with both barrels, because I’m still pissed about that one thing she said so long ago…almost 20 years ago.

But then I realized, she might be right.

So when I got home I emailed the guy, Paul, who does the podcasts just to say thank you and that he helped me.  I went into a tiny bit of detail about the situation but didn’t write much because it’s so late.  I do want to write more to him, even if he never has a chance to read it, because, as I’ve said before, writing is a form of therapy for me.  (Turns out I need it more than I thought I did.)

I haven’t decided if I will post a copy of that email on my blog because it goes into more detail than I might want to put on here…I haven’t decided yet, we’ll see.  But I did want to say that I think I have figured out why I am – or was – so pissed and now hopefully it won’t be so bad.

It’s bedtime now.  Maybe now I can sleep better…but not for long because I still need to iron my clothes and it’s 1:44 in the morning and I have to get up in about 3 or 3 1/2 hours and…shit.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s