A Lonely Heart

We make a lot of our own mistakes.  I know I’m making one with my love life.

The first mistake I’m making I think is the biggest one of all and it causes others: I’m fat.

I think the reason I am 32, still single, and never really had a boyfriend is because I’m fat, out of shape, and don’t look like most in the gay community, and certainly don’t look “acceptable” to the community.  Therefore, nobody wants to date me.

I think I’m a nice person but I do often times have a crappy look on my face which might also be helping me repel potential suitors, but I think my biggest problem is the fact that I’m about 60 to 80 pounds overweight.

Since I’m fat and very self conscious about the way I look it makes me even more shy than I already am.  Hell, maybe if I didn’t look so bad I wouldn’t be shy at all.  I don’t know.  I have never known the answer to that question because since the 3rd grade I have been fat and ugly.

The mistake I’m making is that I keep talking about wanting to lose weight and get it shape but I also keep doing absolutely nothing about it.  I don’t work out or eat right.  I did lose a few pounds because I did start to walk and run after work but then I let work get in the way again so I stopped going to the track.  And I still haven’t joined the gym even though I keep talking about it.

The second mistake is that I’m not getting out there and trying to meet people.  I can’t date people at work because I work with a very small group of people, and most importantly, I’m the boss so I can’t and wouldn’t date employees.

But I really think I would make a good boyfriend.  That’s what I really want.  I want to love and be loved.  I want somebody I can marry, grow old with, and know that no matter what happens I will also have him to pick me up when I’m down and that I can do the same for.  I want somebody to snuggle with at night.  I want somebody to have sex with when I’m horny.  I want somebody to share my life with and that wants to share my life.

I also think I would be good domestically, which is a plus.  I just want somebody so bad but I don’t, at least not yet, want somebody who is not everything – or most of the things – that I’m looking for.  I don’t want somebody who is mean and abusive but I can also kind of see why some people would get into that situation.  Some people would just go there because they feel it is better to have somebody than nobody.  I’m not there yet, but I don’t know if I will feel that way forever.

I watch these couples on YouTube and am just so fucking jealous until it’s not even funny.  They seem happy, in love, and that’s so what I’m looking for!

The other mistake I’m making is living in the place I live because there aren’t many gay people around.  I am between two big cities, both about an hour away, that does have a larger gay population but I’m not even looking in those places.  I need to lose weight and start looking.  If I still don’t find somebody around my area then it’s really time to move.  I’m 32 and not getting any fucking younger!

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3 responses to “A Lonely Heart

  1. So what’s the plan? You need to outline the changes you intend to make, my friend. Set yourself targets, dates… and then the world is your oyster 😉
    Use your blog to keep track of your progress and a place where people can encourage you and help you along.

  2. Was really moved by your post. Wishing you self compassion in your Quest for love… i can certainly relate to the essence of your story about feeling ugly… and its been an ongoing journey to cultivate self love and acceptance…….. it sounds like you have all the qualities anyone would want in a partner, so i am sure he is out there.. waiting for you to find him………

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